1.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, “That’s them”.
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
“Yeah, we’ll take four of the birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry.
“Put them in a paper bag.”
The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
“This looks like a grand place, eh?” says Gerry.
“Oh, yeah, this looks good,” replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss.
“I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?” says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, followed by a ‘SPLAT’.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says.
“SCRW THAT !! THIS BUDGIE JUMPING IS TOO DANGEROUS FOR ME !!”
A minute later…Seamus arrives at the cliff
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar “peeper bag”.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun….
“Hi, Paddy – watch this”, Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the poor parrot’s head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, “Bejesus, that PARROTSHOOTIN’ is also too dangerous for me.”
A few minutes later, Sean strolls up.
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar paper bag.
However, instead of a parrot or a budgie, he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the same result as the other two men.
Once more Paddy shakes his head –
“Ahh, first there was Gerry wit’ his BUDGIE JUMPING, then Seamus PARROTSHOOTIN’ and now Sean with this HEN GLIDING !!!…”
A very complicated operation
Two men were hunting in the woods
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, “That’s them”.
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
“Yeah, we’ll take four of the birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry.
“Put them in a paper bag.”
The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
“This looks like a grand place, eh?” says Gerry.
“Oh, yeah, this looks good,” replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss.
“I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?” says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, followed by a ‘SPLAT’.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says.
“SCRW THAT !! THIS BUDGIE JUMPING IS TOO DANGEROUS FOR ME !!”
A minute later…Seamus arrives at the cliff
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar “peeper bag”.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun….
“Hi, Paddy – watch this”, Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the poor parrot’s head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, “Bejesus, that PARROTSHOOTIN’ is also too dangerous for me.”
A few minutes later, Sean strolls up.
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar paper bag.
However, instead of a parrot or a budgie, he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the same result as the other two men.
Once more Paddy shakes his head –
“Ahh, first there was Gerry wit’ his BUDGIE JUMPING, then Seamus PARROTSHOOTIN’ and now Sean with this HEN GLIDING !!!…”
A very complicated operation
Two men were hunting in the woods
2.
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet h*le he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.”
Then he felt the bullet h*le and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7 mm Mag rifle.
He was right again through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.
Where did I get this black eye?”
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you got into bed and put your hand down my underclothes.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axes.”
The Bearded Fool
Dr. Darns said George
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet h*le he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.”
Then he felt the bullet h*le and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7 mm Mag rifle.
He was right again through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.
Where did I get this black eye?”
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you got into bed and put your hand down my underclothes.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axes.”
The Bearded Fool
Dr. Darns said George
3.
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem you see, only you’ve got to promise not to laugh”.
The doctor replies, “Of course I won’t laugh!
That would be thoroughly unprofessional.
In over twenty years of being a doctor I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“OK then,” says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest weenie he has ever seen in his life.
Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably.
Several minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” he says to the patient.
“I don’t know what came over me, I won’t let it happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?
The man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says, “It’s swollen.”
A man goes into a restaurant
A boy starts his first day at Walmart
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem you see, only you’ve got to promise not to laugh”.
The doctor replies, “Of course I won’t laugh!
That would be thoroughly unprofessional.
In over twenty years of being a doctor I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“OK then,” says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest weenie he has ever seen in his life.
Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably.
Several minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” he says to the patient.
“I don’t know what came over me, I won’t let it happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?
The man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says, “It’s swollen.”
A man goes into a restaurant
A boy starts his first day at Walmart
4.
There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, “Just a minute, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the confessional and says, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.”
The Father says, “You need to say 40 Hail Mary’s and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.”
The confessor replies, “Yes Father, they were.”
The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.
The man said, “Father, I don’t kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions.”
The priest responded, “Well, was one of them Mrs. O’Reilly?”
The man replied, “No Father, and I wouldn’t say anyway. I’ve told you that!”
The priest says, “Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?”
Exasperated the man said, “No Father, and I told you I’m not telling you the names of the women!!!”
The priest said, “Well then I’m going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!”
The man said, “OK, fine,” and left.
As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said, “So, how did it go?”
The confessor said, “Great! 6 months off, and two leads
Three devout nuns were summoned
A guy’s partner called him late
There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, “Just a minute, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the confessional and says, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.”
The Father says, “You need to say 40 Hail Mary’s and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.”
The confessor replies, “Yes Father, they were.”
The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.
The man said, “Father, I don’t kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions.”
The priest responded, “Well, was one of them Mrs. O’Reilly?”
The man replied, “No Father, and I wouldn’t say anyway. I’ve told you that!”
The priest says, “Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?”
Exasperated the man said, “No Father, and I told you I’m not telling you the names of the women!!!”
The priest said, “Well then I’m going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!”
The man said, “OK, fine,” and left.
As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said, “So, how did it go?”
The confessor said, “Great! 6 months off, and two leads
Three devout nuns were summoned
A guy’s partner called him late
5.
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast.
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside…
“That laundry is not very clean”, she said.
“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”
Her husband looked on but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
“Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”
The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.
Wife questioned her husband about his new secretary
A elderly couple walk into a restaurant
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast.
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside…
“That laundry is not very clean”, she said.
“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”
Her husband looked on but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
“Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”
The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.
Wife questioned her husband about his new secretary
A elderly couple walk into a restaurant
6.
An old woman had 3 daughters.
One day she decided to test her Sons-in-law.
One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
Another day she was walking along a lakeshore with the second son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same.
But that guy didn’t respond to her cries for help and didnt move a single step to save her.
The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.
The next day he found a brand new Rolls-Royce in his doorsteps with the following wordings…
“Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law.!!!”
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt
Tax his land, tax his wage
An old woman had 3 daughters.
One day she decided to test her Sons-in-law.
One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
Another day she was walking along a lakeshore with the second son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same.
But that guy didn’t respond to her cries for help and didnt move a single step to save her.
The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.
The next day he found a brand new Rolls-Royce in his doorsteps with the following wordings…
“Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law.!!!”
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt
Tax his land, tax his wage
7.
One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning.
They soon noticed that a man was following them.
They would speed up, and he would speed up they would stop, and he would stop.
Sister Mathematical started to become afraid.
“Oh dear… this man has been chasing us for 2.5 blocks now! What does he want?”
“It’s only logical,” Sister Logical replied.
“He wants to have his way with us.”
“Oh dear God!” Sister Mathematical exclaimed.
They tried to move as fast as they could, but the man was gaining on them.
“In 3.5 minutes, he will be upon us!” Sister Mathematical shrieked.
“What do we do?”
“Oh, that’s logical,” Sister Logical said calmly.
“You and I will have to split up you run one way to the convent, and I will join you there.”
Without asking another question, the nuns split up.
Sister Mathematical, who could run faster, made it to the convent while the man took off after Sister Logical.
A few minutes after Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent, Sister Logical entered.
“Sister, I am so glad to see you,” Sister Mathematical gasped.
“It took you 7.6 minutes longer to get home I was so worried! How in heaven’s name did you escape?”
“Oh that’s logical,” Sister Logical began, catching her breath.
“He got to me and grabbed me I knew what he wanted so, I pulled up my habit.”
“Oh dear, Sister then what?”
“He pulled down his pants…”
“Oh, Sister!” Sister Mathematical exclaimed.
“Then what happened?!”
“Well, that’s logical,” Sister Logical explained.
“A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down!”
Two Government maintenance guys
A large bag of money
One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning.
They soon noticed that a man was following them.
They would speed up, and he would speed up they would stop, and he would stop.
Sister Mathematical started to become afraid.
“Oh dear… this man has been chasing us for 2.5 blocks now! What does he want?”
“It’s only logical,” Sister Logical replied.
“He wants to have his way with us.”
“Oh dear God!” Sister Mathematical exclaimed.
They tried to move as fast as they could, but the man was gaining on them.
“In 3.5 minutes, he will be upon us!” Sister Mathematical shrieked.
“What do we do?”
“Oh, that’s logical,” Sister Logical said calmly.
“You and I will have to split up you run one way to the convent, and I will join you there.”
Without asking another question, the nuns split up.
Sister Mathematical, who could run faster, made it to the convent while the man took off after Sister Logical.
A few minutes after Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent, Sister Logical entered.
“Sister, I am so glad to see you,” Sister Mathematical gasped.
“It took you 7.6 minutes longer to get home I was so worried! How in heaven’s name did you escape?”
“Oh that’s logical,” Sister Logical began, catching her breath.
“He got to me and grabbed me I knew what he wanted so, I pulled up my habit.”
“Oh dear, Sister then what?”
“He pulled down his pants…”
“Oh, Sister!” Sister Mathematical exclaimed.
“Then what happened?!”
“Well, that’s logical,” Sister Logical explained.
“A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down!”
Two Government maintenance guys
A large bag of money
8.
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks.”
The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.
“When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.”
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from skipping.”
A man and his wife are driving they hit a baby skunk
Two blonde gals at the casino
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks.”
The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.
“When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.”
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from skipping.”
A man and his wife are driving they hit a baby skunk
Two blonde gals at the casino
9.
One man was reading the newspaper in the afternoon when his wife suddenly came out from behind him and hit him in the head with the pan.
“Why did you do that?!” He shouted. “I found a piece of paper in your coat pocket, with the name ‘Suzy’ on it.” She answered.
“Jesus Christ, honey, remember that last week I went out with friends to hang out at the racing track?”
Susy was the name of the horse I was betting on.“ The woman was silent.
Three days later, as he read the newspaper again, his wife emerged from behind him and hit him again on his head with the frying pan.
“Why did you do that this time?!” He shouted. “I just wanted to let you know… your horse called.”
A man and his wife were at odds
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself
One man was reading the newspaper in the afternoon when his wife suddenly came out from behind him and hit him in the head with the pan.
“Why did you do that?!” He shouted. “I found a piece of paper in your coat pocket, with the name ‘Suzy’ on it.” She answered.
“Jesus Christ, honey, remember that last week I went out with friends to hang out at the racing track?”
Susy was the name of the horse I was betting on.“ The woman was silent.
Three days later, as he read the newspaper again, his wife emerged from behind him and hit him again on his head with the frying pan.
“Why did you do that this time?!” He shouted. “I just wanted to let you know… your horse called.”
A man and his wife were at odds
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself
10.
An elderly gentleman had been experiencing serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said,
“Oh, I haven’t told my family yet
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I’ve changed my will five times!”
A priest was being honoured
I forgot my teeth
An elderly gentleman had been experiencing serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said,
“Oh, I haven’t told my family yet
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I’ve changed my will five times!”
A priest was being honoured
I forgot my teeth
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11.
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited:
“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”
“No way!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place.
A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her,
“Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house,
“Roger, the pig that shit in your trombone is here!”
A little old lady answered a knock on her door
A Harley biker is riding
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited:
“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”
“No way!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place.
A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her,
“Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house,
“Roger, the pig that shit in your trombone is here!”
A little old lady answered a knock on her door
A Harley biker is riding
12.
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof, watching the world.
One of them notices a jet plane roaring high up at the sky. ?
He nudges his friend,
”Wow, would you look at that! Look how fast he is!”
The other one shrugs,
“You’d fly like the blazes too if somebody lit your bum on fire.”
A man has been drinking all day at a bar
A little old lady answered a knock on her door
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof, watching the world.
One of them notices a jet plane roaring high up at the sky. ?
He nudges his friend,
”Wow, would you look at that! Look how fast he is!”
The other one shrugs,
“You’d fly like the blazes too if somebody lit your bum on fire.”
A man has been drinking all day at a bar
A little old lady answered a knock on her door
13.
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.
She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”
The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.”
The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”
The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.”
The blonde says, “Oh! I could use something like that!! I’ll take it!”
The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful! It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!”
The boss asks, “And what do you have in it?”
The blonde replies, “Some coffee and a popsicle.”
A young boy says to his father
She told her new husband
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.
She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”
The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.”
The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”
The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.”
The blonde says, “Oh! I could use something like that!! I’ll take it!”
The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful! It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!”
The boss asks, “And what do you have in it?”
The blonde replies, “Some coffee and a popsicle.”
A young boy says to his father
She told her new husband
14.
Three guys are sitting around the campfire…
…exchanging their worst experiences.
The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was,
he was up on scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.
The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.
The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.
He said, “Well, I’ll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me,
I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into the position.”
“Yeah? What happened next?” asks his friend.
“I got a little too close to the ground and — WHAM — a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles.”
The other guy says, “God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?”
He calmly replied, “Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital
Ted was a young boy
Three guys are sitting around the campfire…
…exchanging their worst experiences.
The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was,
he was up on scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.
The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.
The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.
He said, “Well, I’ll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me,
I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into the position.”
“Yeah? What happened next?” asks his friend.
“I got a little too close to the ground and — WHAM — a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles.”
The other guy says, “God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?”
He calmly replied, “Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital
Ted was a young boy
15.
Tax day, April 15, was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS.
She said she required a thick stack of tax forms.
“Why so many?” the clerk asked.
“My son is stationed overseas,” she said.
“He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base.”
“You shouldn’t have to do this,” the clerk told her.
“It’s the base commander’s job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need.”
“I know,” said the woman.
“I’m the base commander’s mother.”
A fox observing a fish cart coming
A Irishman walks into a bar
Tax day, April 15, was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS.
She said she required a thick stack of tax forms.
“Why so many?” the clerk asked.
“My son is stationed overseas,” she said.
“He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base.”
“You shouldn’t have to do this,” the clerk told her.
“It’s the base commander’s job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need.”
“I know,” said the woman.
“I’m the base commander’s mother.”
A fox observing a fish cart coming
A Irishman walks into a bar
16.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.
Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary.
I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.” The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar!
You’ve been playing golf!”
The groom approaches the pastor
Three women are about to be executed for crimes
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.
Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary.
I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.” The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar!
You’ve been playing golf!”
The groom approaches the pastor
Three women are about to be executed for crimes
17.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I didn’t have any clothes with me.”
I asked again: “Matty, are you sure you did not have an accident?”
“No,” he replied. I just knew that he must have because the smell was getting worse.
Sooooo… I asked one more time: “Matty, did you have an accident?”
Stopped by an old gentleman Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!”
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.
Johnny went to confession
A doctor drives by a small town
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I didn’t have any clothes with me.”
I asked again: “Matty, are you sure you did not have an accident?”
“No,” he replied. I just knew that he must have because the smell was getting worse.
Sooooo… I asked one more time: “Matty, did you have an accident?”
Stopped by an old gentleman Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!”
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.
Johnny went to confession
A doctor drives by a small town
18.
A guy is eating breakfast with his wife….
When he hears a knock at the door, he gets up and opens the door and sees two people
“You need to be saved!” the first person at the door says
“Get outta here with that bullsh*t” the guy says
“But sir, if you don’t get saved, you’ll burn!” the second person says
“I don’t give a rats ass, now scram!”
The guy slams the door, goes back to the table and opens his newspaper
“Who was at the door, dear?” His wife asked
“A couple of fireman
A kangaroo at the zoo
A Londoner meets a stereotypical American
A guy is eating breakfast with his wife….
When he hears a knock at the door, he gets up and opens the door and sees two people
“You need to be saved!” the first person at the door says
“Get outta here with that bullsh*t” the guy says
“But sir, if you don’t get saved, you’ll burn!” the second person says
“I don’t give a rats ass, now scram!”
The guy slams the door, goes back to the table and opens his newspaper
“Who was at the door, dear?” His wife asked
“A couple of fireman
A kangaroo at the zoo
A Londoner meets a stereotypical American
19.
A family enters a large store.
After browsing for several moments they purchase some goods and head for the large counter at the front of the store.
They notice a robotic seal standing in a corner situated near the counter.
It is dressed in a tuxedo and each time goods are packaged the seal nods as if in agreement.
After the third purchase is made the father asks the counter assistant why the robot nods each time.
The assistant replies, “Isn’t it obvious? It’s our seal of approval.”
The husband was falling asleep
Two kids are talking to each other
A family enters a large store.
After browsing for several moments they purchase some goods and head for the large counter at the front of the store.
They notice a robotic seal standing in a corner situated near the counter.
It is dressed in a tuxedo and each time goods are packaged the seal nods as if in agreement.
After the third purchase is made the father asks the counter assistant why the robot nods each time.
The assistant replies, “Isn’t it obvious? It’s our seal of approval.”
The husband was falling asleep
Two kids are talking to each other
20.
There was a loser who couldn’t get a date.
He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, “It’s simple.
I just say, I’m a lawyer.”
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said “No,” he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, “Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?”
He said, “Why,… Yes I am!”
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, lovemaking, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already lovemaking someone.
One knight told his best friend
Young lady drove a little yellow sports car
There was a loser who couldn’t get a date.
He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, “It’s simple.
I just say, I’m a lawyer.”
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said “No,” he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, “Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?”
He said, “Why,… Yes I am!”
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, lovemaking, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already lovemaking someone.
One knight told his best friend
Young lady drove a little yellow sports car
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21.
A man walking along the beach found a bottle.
When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
“I will grant you three wishes,” announced the genie.
“But there is one condition. I am a lawyer’s genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well – only double.”
The man thought about this for a while.
“For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars,” he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited.
“But every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000,” the genie said.
“I’ve always wanted a Ferrari,” the man said. “That’s my second wish.”
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. “But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferrari’s,” the genie said. “And what is your last wish?”
“Well,” said the man, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant.”
A student comes to a young professors office
Jane met Tarzan in the jungle
A man walking along the beach found a bottle.
When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
“I will grant you three wishes,” announced the genie.
“But there is one condition. I am a lawyer’s genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well – only double.”
The man thought about this for a while.
“For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars,” he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited.
“But every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000,” the genie said.
“I’ve always wanted a Ferrari,” the man said. “That’s my second wish.”
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. “But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferrari’s,” the genie said. “And what is your last wish?”
“Well,” said the man, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant.”
A student comes to a young professors office
Jane met Tarzan in the jungle
22.
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery,
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes Dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”
A very wealthy lawyer
A man went to his lawyer
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery,
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes Dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”
A very wealthy lawyer
A man went to his lawyer
23.
A Husband And Wife Went To Have Dinner At A 5-Star Restaurant.
As the waiter comes with their food, the husband says,
“Our food has arrived! Let’s eat it!”
The wife reminds him “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before eating our dinner!”
The husband says, “That’s at home but here the chef knows how to cook food.”
A couple had been married for 40 years
A man shops for groceries with his wife
A Husband And Wife Went To Have Dinner At A 5-Star Restaurant.
As the waiter comes with their food, the husband says,
“Our food has arrived! Let’s eat it!”
The wife reminds him “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before eating our dinner!”
The husband says, “That’s at home but here the chef knows how to cook food.”
A couple had been married for 40 years
A man shops for groceries with his wife
24.
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid..
The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David,” she answered.
“They’re all named David?” he asked.
“What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said.
“I just call ‘David,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘David, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said.
“I just use their last name”.
A woman a wakes during the night
A elderly couple were sitting outdoors
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid..
The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David,” she answered.
“They’re all named David?” he asked.
“What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said.
“I just call ‘David,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘David, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said.
“I just use their last name”.
A woman a wakes during the night
A elderly couple were sitting outdoors
25.
Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life, and it’s clear that they’re trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation,” and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,” and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don’t have much money and we don’t have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his self practice thing.”
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it’s not to the French Riviera, it’s to my folks’ house in Terrie Hate for two weeks.”
The second one says, “Your honesty has shamed me. It’s not a Mercedes; it’s a Plymouth.”
“Well, I’ve got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg.”
This guy goes into a doctor
Dan was a single guy living at home
Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life, and it’s clear that they’re trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation,” and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,” and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don’t have much money and we don’t have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his self practice thing.”
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it’s not to the French Riviera, it’s to my folks’ house in Terrie Hate for two weeks.”
The second one says, “Your honesty has shamed me. It’s not a Mercedes; it’s a Plymouth.”
“Well, I’ve got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg.”
This guy goes into a doctor
Dan was a single guy living at home
26.
A man visited the doctor.
“Doctor, I have terrible flatulence, I have it all the time.”
“Please undress so I can examine you,” said the doctor picking up a long pole with a brass hook on the end.
“My goodness doctor what are you going to do with that!” yelled the man.
The doctor smiled and said: I’m just going to open the window up there.
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar
A man went to his doctor and told
A man visited the doctor.
“Doctor, I have terrible flatulence, I have it all the time.”
“Please undress so I can examine you,” said the doctor picking up a long pole with a brass hook on the end.
“My goodness doctor what are you going to do with that!” yelled the man.
The doctor smiled and said: I’m just going to open the window up there.
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar
A man went to his doctor and told
27.
The bartender says, “Let me see and I’ll consider it.”
So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster.
The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing.
And not just banging out “Chopsticks”, the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock and roll.
After a few minutes the bartender says, “Okay, I am impressed
You can drink for free tonight.”
As the bartender is pouring the guy a drink, the guy says, “Hey, if I show you something even more amazing, will you let me drink for free for a month?”
The bartender says, “Okay, but this had better be pretty spectacular.”
So the guy reaches into his bag again and pulls out a microphone and a frog
The frog sits in front of the microphone and begins singing along with the hamster playing the piano.
The bartender says, “Okay, I’m impressed
You can drink here for free for a month.”
As all of this has been going on, another customer at the end of the bar has been watching
He walks over and says, “I’m a theater producer, and I’d like to buy that frog and put him in a show
Will you sell it to me for $500?”
The guy says no.
“$1,000?”
The guy still refuses.
“Okay, will you sell me the frog for $5,000?”
So the guy agrees, and gives the producer the frog for $5,000.
As the producer is leaving, the bartender says to the guy, “I can’t believe you sold the frog! Surely it was worth more than $5,000!”
“Not really.” The guy says
“The hamster’s a ventriloquist.”
She was standing on the sidewalk
A Buddhist monk
The bartender says, “Let me see and I’ll consider it.”
So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster.
The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing.
And not just banging out “Chopsticks”, the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock and roll.
After a few minutes the bartender says, “Okay, I am impressed
You can drink for free tonight.”
As the bartender is pouring the guy a drink, the guy says, “Hey, if I show you something even more amazing, will you let me drink for free for a month?”
The bartender says, “Okay, but this had better be pretty spectacular.”
So the guy reaches into his bag again and pulls out a microphone and a frog
The frog sits in front of the microphone and begins singing along with the hamster playing the piano.
The bartender says, “Okay, I’m impressed
You can drink here for free for a month.”
As all of this has been going on, another customer at the end of the bar has been watching
He walks over and says, “I’m a theater producer, and I’d like to buy that frog and put him in a show
Will you sell it to me for $500?”
The guy says no.
“$1,000?”
The guy still refuses.
“Okay, will you sell me the frog for $5,000?”
So the guy agrees, and gives the producer the frog for $5,000.
As the producer is leaving, the bartender says to the guy, “I can’t believe you sold the frog! Surely it was worth more than $5,000!”
“Not really.” The guy says
“The hamster’s a ventriloquist.”
She was standing on the sidewalk
A Buddhist monk
28.
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.
He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered.
“Yes. Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
He couldn’t remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
“When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
A city boy driving through passes a chicken farm
A couple were Christmas shopping
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.
He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered.
“Yes. Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
He couldn’t remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
“When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
A city boy driving through passes a chicken farm
A couple were Christmas shopping
29.
A lady rubbed a bottle and a genie popped out.
“You have one wish” said the genie.
“Hey” countered the lady “I thought I get three wishes?”
“Not from me” said the genie “I’m not that powerful.”
“OK” responded the lady taking out a map, “I am making a wish for peace between this country.”
“I’m really sorry” said the genie, “but I am not powerful enough for that.”
“That’s fine” said the lady, “instead I would like to find a cool, caring man, who loves children, and cooking.”
The genie sighed and said “alright let me see that map again.”
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
Two men met at a bus stop
A lady rubbed a bottle and a genie popped out.
“You have one wish” said the genie.
“Hey” countered the lady “I thought I get three wishes?”
“Not from me” said the genie “I’m not that powerful.”
“OK” responded the lady taking out a map, “I am making a wish for peace between this country.”
“I’m really sorry” said the genie, “but I am not powerful enough for that.”
“That’s fine” said the lady, “instead I would like to find a cool, caring man, who loves children, and cooking.”
The genie sighed and said “alright let me see that map again.”
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
Two men met at a bus stop
30.
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said:
“I’m so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious.
“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied:
“I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar
A man walked into the bar
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said:
“I’m so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious.
“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied:
“I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar
A man walked into the bar
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