1.
A man went to his father and said: ‘Father, I can’t take it anymore, my wife is driving me insane! I want to kill her, but I’m afraid someone might find out I did it Please help me?’
The Father replied: ‘Yes I can help you, but there’s a but… you’re going to have to make amends with her so no one would suspect that it was you, when she dies.
You’ll have to take very good care of her, be kind, grateful, patient, caring, listen more and help her with chores you see this powder here?
Every day you have to put a little in her food so, she dies slowly.’
Thirty days had passed and the son came back and said to his father:
‘I don’t want her to die! I have come to love her and now how do I cut the effect of the poison?’
Then the father said: ‘Don’t worry! What I gave you was rice powder she’s not going to die, because the poison was in you!’
When we feed grudges, our love slowly dies.
When we make peace with ourselves and with those who offended us, then we can deal with the other, as we would like to be treated.
Then, we will have the initiative to love, to give, to offer, to serve, to care for… and not just have the need to win, to be served, or to take advantage of and exploit the other.
We all need to stop, pray and ask for that antidote called forgiveness.
A old couple Abe and Esther
Mother-in-law
A man went to his father and said: ‘Father, I can’t take it anymore, my wife is driving me insane! I want to kill her, but I’m afraid someone might find out I did it Please help me?’
The Father replied: ‘Yes I can help you, but there’s a but… you’re going to have to make amends with her so no one would suspect that it was you, when she dies.
You’ll have to take very good care of her, be kind, grateful, patient, caring, listen more and help her with chores you see this powder here?
Every day you have to put a little in her food so, she dies slowly.’
Thirty days had passed and the son came back and said to his father:
‘I don’t want her to die! I have come to love her and now how do I cut the effect of the poison?’
Then the father said: ‘Don’t worry! What I gave you was rice powder she’s not going to die, because the poison was in you!’
When we feed grudges, our love slowly dies.
When we make peace with ourselves and with those who offended us, then we can deal with the other, as we would like to be treated.
Then, we will have the initiative to love, to give, to offer, to serve, to care for… and not just have the need to win, to be served, or to take advantage of and exploit the other.
We all need to stop, pray and ask for that antidote called forgiveness.
A old couple Abe and Esther
Mother-in-law
2.
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
“I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don’t try to fool me because I can tell the difference.”
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, scowls and says,
“Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch.”
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, grimaces and says,
“Bartender, I don’t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!”
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs,
“Ah, now that’s the real thing.”
A disgusting, grimy, stinking old drunk has been watching all this with great interest.
He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says,
“Hey, I think that’s really far out what you can do. Try this one.”
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries,
“Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!”
The drunk’s eyes light up and he says,
“Yeah, now tell me,… how old am I?”
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines
Three women one engaged, one married
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
“I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don’t try to fool me because I can tell the difference.”
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, scowls and says,
“Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch.”
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, grimaces and says,
“Bartender, I don’t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!”
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs,
“Ah, now that’s the real thing.”
A disgusting, grimy, stinking old drunk has been watching all this with great interest.
He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says,
“Hey, I think that’s really far out what you can do. Try this one.”
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries,
“Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!”
The drunk’s eyes light up and he says,
“Yeah, now tell me,… how old am I?”
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines
Three women one engaged, one married
3.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
“No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says,
“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $300?”
The passenger window and tapped lightly
Lawyer Asks Old Lady If She Knows Who He Is
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
“No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says,
“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $300?”
The passenger window and tapped lightly
Lawyer Asks Old Lady If She Knows Who He Is
4.
A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance.
When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused.
The lawyer replied that his wife couldn’t make it.
The woman asked him if he didn’t have relatives or friends who could have used the seat.
He replied, “Oh, they’re all at the funeral.”
A wood-chopping contest
A Policeman Catches A Man
A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance.
When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused.
The lawyer replied that his wife couldn’t make it.
The woman asked him if he didn’t have relatives or friends who could have used the seat.
He replied, “Oh, they’re all at the funeral.”
A wood-chopping contest
A Policeman Catches A Man
5.
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” you get an self enjoyment.
You should of seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.
I’m still looking for a place to live.
A mother and father took their son
A boy comes back from school
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” you get an self enjoyment.
You should of seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.
I’m still looking for a place to live.
A mother and father took their son
A boy comes back from school
6.
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.
He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man.
‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’
The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me.
I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.
That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’
The man shakes his head.
‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.
I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day
A German officer watches over his outpost
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.
He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man.
‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’
The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me.
I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.
That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’
The man shakes his head.
‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.
I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day
A German officer watches over his outpost
7.
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”
A elderly couple were sitting outdoors
He was at in the pub last night
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”
A elderly couple were sitting outdoors
He was at in the pub last night
8.
Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least.
After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable.
Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news.
A Instead, he gave the sorry job to Bob’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently.
“Honey”, said Bob’s wife Eva the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?”
Bob, always in a morbid state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “what do I care? Just give me the bad news!”
“Well dear,” said Eva cupping Bob’s hand with her two hands, “I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like your legs are going to have to be taken off.”
Bob, barely able to hold his voice from cracking croaked out, “Eva, what’s the good news?”
“The good news” said Eva happily, “is that that the gardener that was in here just before, said he may be interested in buying your slippers from you!”
Sam goes to the doctor
Anne was on her deathbed breathing
Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least.
After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable.
Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news.
A Instead, he gave the sorry job to Bob’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently.
“Honey”, said Bob’s wife Eva the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?”
Bob, always in a morbid state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “what do I care? Just give me the bad news!”
“Well dear,” said Eva cupping Bob’s hand with her two hands, “I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like your legs are going to have to be taken off.”
Bob, barely able to hold his voice from cracking croaked out, “Eva, what’s the good news?”
“The good news” said Eva happily, “is that that the gardener that was in here just before, said he may be interested in buying your slippers from you!”
Sam goes to the doctor
Anne was on her deathbed breathing
9.
John and Bob were discussing their married lives.
Although happily married to their wives, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
John said, “I’ve made one great discovery.
I know how to always have the last word.”
“Wow!” said Bob, “how did you manage that?”
“It’s easy,” replied John, “my last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”
A boy is selling fish
The man finally stops
John and Bob were discussing their married lives.
Although happily married to their wives, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
John said, “I’ve made one great discovery.
I know how to always have the last word.”
“Wow!” said Bob, “how did you manage that?”
“It’s easy,” replied John, “my last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”
A boy is selling fish
The man finally stops
10.
A guy is walking down the street with his friend.
He says to his friend, “I’m just a walking economy.”
His friend replies, “What do you mean?”
“It’s like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.
Two kids are arguing
A woman meets a man in a bar
A guy is walking down the street with his friend.
He says to his friend, “I’m just a walking economy.”
His friend replies, “What do you mean?”
“It’s like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.
Two kids are arguing
A woman meets a man in a bar
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11.
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked; Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?
The mother replied; Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand.
Two minutes later the young camel asked; Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?
They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert, the mother said.
Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?
They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time.
So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water.
Yes dear, said the mother.
So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?
A poor family
65-year-old woman has a baby
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked; Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?
The mother replied; Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand.
Two minutes later the young camel asked; Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?
They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert, the mother said.
Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?
They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time.
So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water.
Yes dear, said the mother.
So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?
A poor family
65-year-old woman has a baby
12.
A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert.
During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.
The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand,
“Today my best friend slapped me in the face.”
They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.
The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.
After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone,
“Today my best friend saved my life.”
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him,
“After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?”
The other friend replied,
“When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.
But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.”
Moral of the story, Don’t value the things you have in your life but value who you have in your life.
The pilot complains about the airman
A busload of politicians
A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert.
During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.
The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand,
“Today my best friend slapped me in the face.”
They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.
The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.
After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone,
“Today my best friend saved my life.”
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him,
“After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?”
The other friend replied,
“When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.
But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.”
Moral of the story, Don’t value the things you have in your life but value who you have in your life.
The pilot complains about the airman
A busload of politicians
13.
A homeless man decides to rob a Russian restaurant.
Since it was so early, the only one that was working at that time was the scrawny waitor as the chef/boss had gone to run a quick errand.
The homeless man, only waving his fists, threatened the waitor to give him his best food or “he would be in a world of hurt”.
Even though the waitor was as skinny as a rail, he decided to take on the homeless man.
Unsurprisingly the homeless man quickly beat him up and ran to the kitchen.
Before the waitor could get back up, the man had already taken off with a big pot of food.
Later as the boss returns to the kitchen, he sees that something is missing.
He goes out to the waitor and yells; “Where is the Goulash”.
He then notices that the waitor is pretty beat up and then proceeds to asks,
“WTF happened to you and why is our best selling dish gone”?
The waitor spills it all; “A homeless man came in, beat me up and stole the Goulash, if only it was stroganoff”
Rubbing a toilet paper
A famous scientist was on his way
A homeless man decides to rob a Russian restaurant.
Since it was so early, the only one that was working at that time was the scrawny waitor as the chef/boss had gone to run a quick errand.
The homeless man, only waving his fists, threatened the waitor to give him his best food or “he would be in a world of hurt”.
Even though the waitor was as skinny as a rail, he decided to take on the homeless man.
Unsurprisingly the homeless man quickly beat him up and ran to the kitchen.
Before the waitor could get back up, the man had already taken off with a big pot of food.
Later as the boss returns to the kitchen, he sees that something is missing.
He goes out to the waitor and yells; “Where is the Goulash”.
He then notices that the waitor is pretty beat up and then proceeds to asks,
“WTF happened to you and why is our best selling dish gone”?
The waitor spills it all; “A homeless man came in, beat me up and stole the Goulash, if only it was stroganoff”
Rubbing a toilet paper
A famous scientist was on his way
14.
Mary and Dave went out to a romantic dinner.
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage.
Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged,
So he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.
Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted:
“Well, don’t you have something to ask me?”
Dave then got down on bended knee.
“Honey,” he said,
“Will you buy me a new computer?”
A wife asked a question to her husband
A wife asked her husband to describe her
Mary and Dave went out to a romantic dinner.
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage.
Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged,
So he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.
Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted:
“Well, don’t you have something to ask me?”
Dave then got down on bended knee.
“Honey,” he said,
“Will you buy me a new computer?”
A wife asked a question to her husband
A wife asked her husband to describe her
15.
At one point during the game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb bastard’, is it?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach.
“Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”
A 97 year old midwife at the Pearly Gates
As he walked up to old lady’s car
At one point during the game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb bastard’, is it?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach.
“Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”
A 97 year old midwife at the Pearly Gates
As he walked up to old lady’s car
16.
A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison
He is slowly making progress day by day, but with just a spoon for a shovel it seems like an impossible task.
After numerous years of blood and sweat, he finally manages to reach the surface outside of the prison grounds.
He is overwhelmed with happiness and the thought of finally being free and can’t hold in his excitement any longer. He starts shouting at the top of his lungs,
“I am free, I am free, I am finally free”.
A passing little boy walks up to him and says “Big whoop! I just turned four!”
A kid asks his father
3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary
A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison
He is slowly making progress day by day, but with just a spoon for a shovel it seems like an impossible task.
After numerous years of blood and sweat, he finally manages to reach the surface outside of the prison grounds.
He is overwhelmed with happiness and the thought of finally being free and can’t hold in his excitement any longer. He starts shouting at the top of his lungs,
“I am free, I am free, I am finally free”.
A passing little boy walks up to him and says “Big whoop! I just turned four!”
A kid asks his father
3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary
17.
A man was driving his wife home after a night out, when they were stopped by the police.
“Sir, did you know you were speeding?” asked the officer.
“No, I had no idea that I was speeding,” replied the husband.
“Of course you were,” interrupted the wife, “you’re always speeding.”
The officer looked at the rear of the vehicle and said, “And did you know your brake light is broken sir?”
“No, I had no idea that it was broken,” replied the husband.
Again the wife interrupted, “Of course you knew it was broken.
You’re always saying you’ll get it repaired, but you never have.”
The officer began to sympathize for the husband and said, “Does she always talk to you like this?”
The wife said, “Only when he’s drunk.”
A man found a genie in a magic lamp
A woman stood up at a local pub
A man was driving his wife home after a night out, when they were stopped by the police.
“Sir, did you know you were speeding?” asked the officer.
“No, I had no idea that I was speeding,” replied the husband.
“Of course you were,” interrupted the wife, “you’re always speeding.”
The officer looked at the rear of the vehicle and said, “And did you know your brake light is broken sir?”
“No, I had no idea that it was broken,” replied the husband.
Again the wife interrupted, “Of course you knew it was broken.
You’re always saying you’ll get it repaired, but you never have.”
The officer began to sympathize for the husband and said, “Does she always talk to you like this?”
The wife said, “Only when he’s drunk.”
A man found a genie in a magic lamp
A woman stood up at a local pub
18.
Three men pass away on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter greets them and says, “You’re all sinners who should be sent to hell, but since it’s Christmas, I’ll give you a chance to enter heaven if you have something that represents the holiday.”
The first man pulls out a Christmas ornament and is allowed in.
The second man points to some pine needles stuck to his shirt and is also admitted.
The third man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of panties.
Peter, puzzled, asks, “How do those represent Christmas?”
The man grins and replies, “These are Carol’s.”
A watermelon farmer was determined
A special Christmas gift
Three men pass away on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter greets them and says, “You’re all sinners who should be sent to hell, but since it’s Christmas, I’ll give you a chance to enter heaven if you have something that represents the holiday.”
The first man pulls out a Christmas ornament and is allowed in.
The second man points to some pine needles stuck to his shirt and is also admitted.
The third man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of panties.
Peter, puzzled, asks, “How do those represent Christmas?”
The man grins and replies, “These are Carol’s.”
A watermelon farmer was determined
A special Christmas gift
19.
Johnny comes back from school crying
And says, “Mommy, all the kids in the school say I have a big head.”
His mother replies, “No, you don’t, Johnny.
You have a hideously deformed head.
The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings.”
A Father’s Last Request
Jack Falls Apart
Johnny comes back from school crying
And says, “Mommy, all the kids in the school say I have a big head.”
His mother replies, “No, you don’t, Johnny.
You have a hideously deformed head.
The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings.”
A Father’s Last Request
Jack Falls Apart
20.
A poor slave, ill-treated by his master, runs away to the forest.
There he comes across a lion in pain because of a thorn in his paw.
The slave bravely goes forward and removes the thorn gently.
The lion without hurting him goes away.
Some days later, the slave’s master comes hunting to the forest and catches many animals and cages them.
The slave is spotted by the masters’ men who catch him and bring him to the cruel master.
The master asks for the slave to be thrown into the lion’s cage.
The slave is awaiting his death in the cage when he realizes that it is the same lion that he had helped.
The slave rescued the lion and all other caged animals.
Moral of the story: One should help others in need, we get the rewards of our helpful acts in return.
Cimon And Pero’s Story
Tickle Me Elmo toys
A poor slave, ill-treated by his master, runs away to the forest.
There he comes across a lion in pain because of a thorn in his paw.
The slave bravely goes forward and removes the thorn gently.
The lion without hurting him goes away.
Some days later, the slave’s master comes hunting to the forest and catches many animals and cages them.
The slave is spotted by the masters’ men who catch him and bring him to the cruel master.
The master asks for the slave to be thrown into the lion’s cage.
The slave is awaiting his death in the cage when he realizes that it is the same lion that he had helped.
The slave rescued the lion and all other caged animals.
Moral of the story: One should help others in need, we get the rewards of our helpful acts in return.
Cimon And Pero’s Story
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21.
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.
There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he’d carved “I love you, Sally”.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet.
She quickly picked it up, but they didn’t know what to do with it, so they took it home.
There, she counted the money it was $50,000!
The husband said: “We’ve got to give it back”.
She said, “Finders keepers” and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home.
One knocked on the door and said: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
She said: “No.”
The husband said: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
She said: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile,” but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
The old man said: “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.”
At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said: “We’re outta here!”
She asked her mother to go out
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.
There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he’d carved “I love you, Sally”.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet.
She quickly picked it up, but they didn’t know what to do with it, so they took it home.
There, she counted the money it was $50,000!
The husband said: “We’ve got to give it back”.
She said, “Finders keepers” and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home.
One knocked on the door and said: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
She said: “No.”
The husband said: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
She said: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile,” but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
The old man said: “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.”
At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said: “We’re outta here!”
She asked her mother to go out
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa
22.
A man visited the doctor.
“Doctor, I have terrible flatulence, I have it all the time.”
“Please undress so I can examine you,” said the doctor picking up a long pole with a brass hook on the end.
“My goodness doctor what are you going to do with that!” yelled the man.
The doctor smiled and said: I’m just going to open the window up there.
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar
A man went to his doctor and told
A man visited the doctor.
“Doctor, I have terrible flatulence, I have it all the time.”
“Please undress so I can examine you,” said the doctor picking up a long pole with a brass hook on the end.
“My goodness doctor what are you going to do with that!” yelled the man.
The doctor smiled and said: I’m just going to open the window up there.
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar
A man went to his doctor and told
23.
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.
“My Father is better than your Father!” Billy declared.
“No, he’s not!” Johnny responded.
“My brother is better than you brother!” Billy said.
“He is not! He is not!” Yelled Little Johnny.
“My Mother is better than your Mother!” Billy continued.
A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, “Well, I guess ya got me there. I’ve heard my Father say the same thing more than once.”
They decided to go for a swim
Peter comes very drunk home
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.
“My Father is better than your Father!” Billy declared.
“No, he’s not!” Johnny responded.
“My brother is better than you brother!” Billy said.
“He is not! He is not!” Yelled Little Johnny.
“My Mother is better than your Mother!” Billy continued.
A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, “Well, I guess ya got me there. I’ve heard my Father say the same thing more than once.”
They decided to go for a swim
Peter comes very drunk home
24.
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.
The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks,
“What are you staring at?”
“A spider,” he replies.
“I don’t see anything,” she says.
“Oh, it must have fallen on your head,” he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming…
The man says, “While you’re up, can you get me another beer?”
A old man is 85 and take his wife
A angry wife was complaining about her husband
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.
The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks,
“What are you staring at?”
“A spider,” he replies.
“I don’t see anything,” she says.
“Oh, it must have fallen on your head,” he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming…
The man says, “While you’re up, can you get me another beer?”
A old man is 85 and take his wife
A angry wife was complaining about her husband
25.
A man working in an IT company became sick.
He consulted many multi-facility hospitals but still couldn’t get cured…
He was sad.
Then his wife advised, “why don’t you consult a veterinary doctor?”
He was shocked.
He screamed at her, ‘Are you mad?’
She spoke softly ‘Nothing happened to me… It is you have a problem. You wake up early in the morning like cock, take a half bath like a crow, eat something like a monkey, and then run to the office like a racehorse, there you work like a donkey, and you scream to your juniors like a wild bear, evening you reach home and bark at us like a dog, then you eat like a crocodile, at night you go to bed and sleep like a buffalo.
That’s the reason why I asked you to meet a veterinary doctor.’
The man just sat and gaped at her.
The wife asked, Now why are u looking at me like an owl?’
A man goes into a pet shop
A man and his wife were driving
A man working in an IT company became sick.
He consulted many multi-facility hospitals but still couldn’t get cured…
He was sad.
Then his wife advised, “why don’t you consult a veterinary doctor?”
He was shocked.
He screamed at her, ‘Are you mad?’
She spoke softly ‘Nothing happened to me… It is you have a problem. You wake up early in the morning like cock, take a half bath like a crow, eat something like a monkey, and then run to the office like a racehorse, there you work like a donkey, and you scream to your juniors like a wild bear, evening you reach home and bark at us like a dog, then you eat like a crocodile, at night you go to bed and sleep like a buffalo.
That’s the reason why I asked you to meet a veterinary doctor.’
The man just sat and gaped at her.
The wife asked, Now why are u looking at me like an owl?’
A man goes into a pet shop
A man and his wife were driving
26.
Eliza says to the other two, “You know girls, my husband bought me the most wonderful jewelry for our anniversary.
A lavish diamond necklace and some beautiful earrings.”
“How wonderful!” Josephine says.
Isabelle responds, “That’s nice, real nice.”
Josephine then says to the other two, “Well my husband spared no expense for our anniversary he took us on a beautiful trip to the Bahamas.”
“Amazing!” Responds Eliza.
“That’s nice, real nice.” Isabelle says.
Eliza and Josephine look to Isabelle.
“What did your husband get you for your anniversary?” asks Eliza.
“He bought me lessons in southern etiquette classes.” Isabelle says.
“Etiquette classes?” Eliza says.
“What did you learn there?” asks Josephine.
“Well,” says Isabelle, “I used to say, ‘I DON’T GIVE A RATS BUM.’ but now I say,
‘That’s nice, real nice.’”
Johnny and Billy are walking to the church
A old man gets on a crowded bus
Eliza says to the other two, “You know girls, my husband bought me the most wonderful jewelry for our anniversary.
A lavish diamond necklace and some beautiful earrings.”
“How wonderful!” Josephine says.
Isabelle responds, “That’s nice, real nice.”
Josephine then says to the other two, “Well my husband spared no expense for our anniversary he took us on a beautiful trip to the Bahamas.”
“Amazing!” Responds Eliza.
“That’s nice, real nice.” Isabelle says.
Eliza and Josephine look to Isabelle.
“What did your husband get you for your anniversary?” asks Eliza.
“He bought me lessons in southern etiquette classes.” Isabelle says.
“Etiquette classes?” Eliza says.
“What did you learn there?” asks Josephine.
“Well,” says Isabelle, “I used to say, ‘I DON’T GIVE A RATS BUM.’ but now I say,
‘That’s nice, real nice.’”
Johnny and Billy are walking to the church
A old man gets on a crowded bus
27.
A man prepares his donkey and dog for a long journey up a mountain.
He places a pack straddle on the donkey’s back and fills everything to maximum weight.
Because of the weight, he decides to pull the donkey along so that it does not become tired as easily.
The man, donkey, and his guard dog now begin the long trip up a mountain to get to the other side.
Hours into their long and quiet trip, the man becomes very tired.
He stops the donkey and decides that he is going to ride it.
Just as he starts to mount the donkey, out of nowhere the donkey says,
“STOP! I’m SICK OF BEING YOUR MULE! I HATE YOU! STOP USING ME!”
The man is bewildered, as he has never once before heard an animal speak, and takes off running as fast as he can back down the mountain, with the dog right behind him.
As he gets to the bottom in record time, he stops and catches his breath.
He is beyond scared and says in a scared tone, “Whoa, I have never heard a donkey speak before.”
The dog replies, “Me neither.”
The phone rings in Dr. Steins house
The pastor found a pink envelope
A man prepares his donkey and dog for a long journey up a mountain.
He places a pack straddle on the donkey’s back and fills everything to maximum weight.
Because of the weight, he decides to pull the donkey along so that it does not become tired as easily.
The man, donkey, and his guard dog now begin the long trip up a mountain to get to the other side.
Hours into their long and quiet trip, the man becomes very tired.
He stops the donkey and decides that he is going to ride it.
Just as he starts to mount the donkey, out of nowhere the donkey says,
“STOP! I’m SICK OF BEING YOUR MULE! I HATE YOU! STOP USING ME!”
The man is bewildered, as he has never once before heard an animal speak, and takes off running as fast as he can back down the mountain, with the dog right behind him.
As he gets to the bottom in record time, he stops and catches his breath.
He is beyond scared and says in a scared tone, “Whoa, I have never heard a donkey speak before.”
The dog replies, “Me neither.”
The phone rings in Dr. Steins house
The pastor found a pink envelope
28.
The Grandmother of a just got married grandson phoned that he was coming to present his beautiful lovely wife to grandma.
The delighted Grandma started giving instructions how to come to their high rise colony retirement Apartment.
She started blabbering,
“When you come to the front door of the apartment building inside vestibule,
My son there is a push button, push it with your Elbow,
I will hear and open the door from my apartment for you.
You will hear the pi……pi buzz.
You push the door with your Elbow and open. Enter and walk to the Elevator.
Push the UP button with your Elbow and elevator opens. Enter.
Push the #4 button with your Elbow carefully and elevator comes to fourth floor.
Walk to the room number 420 and push the button with your Elbow. I will open the door for you.”
The polite grand son said,
“Dear Grand Ma, my wife and I can handle all these, we have been born here. Don’t worry.
But explain one thing, why do you want me to push all the buttons with my Elbow.”
The Grandma yelled, “What? Shameless, are you coming without gifts in your hands for Grandma?”
Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey
The Grandmother of a just got married grandson phoned that he was coming to present his beautiful lovely wife to grandma.
The delighted Grandma started giving instructions how to come to their high rise colony retirement Apartment.
She started blabbering,
“When you come to the front door of the apartment building inside vestibule,
My son there is a push button, push it with your Elbow,
I will hear and open the door from my apartment for you.
You will hear the pi……pi buzz.
You push the door with your Elbow and open. Enter and walk to the Elevator.
Push the UP button with your Elbow and elevator opens. Enter.
Push the #4 button with your Elbow carefully and elevator comes to fourth floor.
Walk to the room number 420 and push the button with your Elbow. I will open the door for you.”
The polite grand son said,
“Dear Grand Ma, my wife and I can handle all these, we have been born here. Don’t worry.
But explain one thing, why do you want me to push all the buttons with my Elbow.”
The Grandma yelled, “What? Shameless, are you coming without gifts in your hands for Grandma?”
Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey
29.
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven.
When they get there, St.Peter greets them and tells them, “We only have one rule here in heaven don’t step on the ducks.”
So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It’s almost impossible not to step on a duck there’s so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.
St.Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.
St.Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck.
Once again, St.Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman.
He chains the woman to the second guy saying, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn’t want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he’s extremely careful where he steps.
Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks one day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on.
She’s tall, curvaceous, tanned.
Without a word, St.Peter chains the woman to the third guy.
The guy happily says to the woman, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?”
The woman replies, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Two elderly women were out driving
A Priest was being honored
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven.
When they get there, St.Peter greets them and tells them, “We only have one rule here in heaven don’t step on the ducks.”
So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It’s almost impossible not to step on a duck there’s so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.
St.Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.
St.Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck.
Once again, St.Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman.
He chains the woman to the second guy saying, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn’t want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he’s extremely careful where he steps.
Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks one day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on.
She’s tall, curvaceous, tanned.
Without a word, St.Peter chains the woman to the third guy.
The guy happily says to the woman, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?”
The woman replies, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Two elderly women were out driving
A Priest was being honored
30.
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math
His parents had tried everything: tutors, flash cards, special learning centers in short, everything they could think of.
Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face
He didn’t kiss his mother hello
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work his mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for sometime, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books with great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.
She could no longer hold back her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?”
Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, “No.”
“Well then,” she replied, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?”
Little Tommy looked at her and said, “Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy on the wall bared to the big plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”
A good cat
She calmly writes down his order
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math
His parents had tried everything: tutors, flash cards, special learning centers in short, everything they could think of.
Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face
He didn’t kiss his mother hello
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work his mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for sometime, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books with great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.
She could no longer hold back her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?”
Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, “No.”
“Well then,” she replied, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?”
Little Tommy looked at her and said, “Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy on the wall bared to the big plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”
A good cat
She calmly writes down his order
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