1.
As she was walking through a lovely park, she noticed a sad man sitting on a bench.
Next to him, there was a very tiny person playing a tiny piano. The woman got quite curious, and decided to approach and ask what was going on.
She said, “Hello, what a cute little musician you’ve got there. Where did you find him?”
The man replied, “I met a genie who told me that I could make a wish, any wish.”
“Really?!?” the woman asked.
“Where did you find him?”
“I came upon this lamp while I was vacationing in Egypt,” the man said, and pulled out a small lamp out of his backpack.
The woman was getting really excited.
“Wow! Can I try it?”
“Sure, but wait.”
The man didn’t have time to complete his sentence before the woman had grabbed the lamp and rubbed it vigorously.
A genie appeared and said in a booming voice, “You are hereby granted one wish Choose well!”
The man tried to interject, “Now wait just a-” but the woman instantly blurted out “I wish for a million bucks!”
Suddenly, one million ducks appeared around them. The noise from all the quacking around them was deafening.
The genie bowed and disappeared into the lamp.
The woman said, “Awh shoot I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks you know what, I think your genie’s hard of hearing.”
The man replied, “You’re telling me… Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”
The friendly usher
A Vicar goes to the dentist
As she was walking through a lovely park, she noticed a sad man sitting on a bench.
Next to him, there was a very tiny person playing a tiny piano. The woman got quite curious, and decided to approach and ask what was going on.
She said, “Hello, what a cute little musician you’ve got there. Where did you find him?”
The man replied, “I met a genie who told me that I could make a wish, any wish.”
“Really?!?” the woman asked.
“Where did you find him?”
“I came upon this lamp while I was vacationing in Egypt,” the man said, and pulled out a small lamp out of his backpack.
The woman was getting really excited.
“Wow! Can I try it?”
“Sure, but wait.”
The man didn’t have time to complete his sentence before the woman had grabbed the lamp and rubbed it vigorously.
A genie appeared and said in a booming voice, “You are hereby granted one wish Choose well!”
The man tried to interject, “Now wait just a-” but the woman instantly blurted out “I wish for a million bucks!”
Suddenly, one million ducks appeared around them. The noise from all the quacking around them was deafening.
The genie bowed and disappeared into the lamp.
The woman said, “Awh shoot I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks you know what, I think your genie’s hard of hearing.”
The man replied, “You’re telling me… Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”
The friendly usher
A Vicar goes to the dentist
2.
There once was a farmer who discovered that he had lost his watch in the barn.
It was no ordinary watch because it had sentimental value for him.
After searching for a while he gave up and enlisted the help of children playing outside the barn.
After they searched for a while, just when the farmer was about to give up, a little boy went up to him and asked for another chance.
The farmer looked at him and thought, why not?
After all your friends look sincere enough so the farmer sent the boy back in the barn.
After a moment, the boy came out with a watch on his hand.
The farmer was both happy and surprised so he asked the boy how he succeeded.
The boy replied, “I did nothing but sit on the ground and listen in silence,
I heard the ticking of the watch and just looked for it in that direction”
A woman walks into the City
A philosophy professor
There once was a farmer who discovered that he had lost his watch in the barn.
It was no ordinary watch because it had sentimental value for him.
After searching for a while he gave up and enlisted the help of children playing outside the barn.
After they searched for a while, just when the farmer was about to give up, a little boy went up to him and asked for another chance.
The farmer looked at him and thought, why not?
After all your friends look sincere enough so the farmer sent the boy back in the barn.
After a moment, the boy came out with a watch on his hand.
The farmer was both happy and surprised so he asked the boy how he succeeded.
The boy replied, “I did nothing but sit on the ground and listen in silence,
I heard the ticking of the watch and just looked for it in that direction”
A woman walks into the City
A philosophy professor
3.
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals
An attractive university student visits her young professor’s office after hours.
Seeing he is still working, she walks in, closes the door, and kneels down in front of him.
“I would do anything to pass this exam.” She pushes his chair back and moves in closer.
“I mean…” she says as she puts her hands on his knees, ” I would do…anything.”
The teacher, doing his best to maintain his composure, looks down at her and says: “Anything?”. “Anything.”, she answers assertively.
“Absolutely anything?”, he asks. “YES, absolutely anything!”, she responds, eager to please. “Would you…study?”
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals
An attractive university student visits her young professor’s office after hours.
Seeing he is still working, she walks in, closes the door, and kneels down in front of him. “I would do anything to pass this exam.”
She pushes his chair back and moves in closer. “I mean…” she says as she puts her hands on his knees, ” I would do…anything.” The teacher, doing his best to maintain his composure, looks down at her and says:
“Anything?”. “Anything.”, she answers assertively. “Absolutely anything?”, he asks.
“YES, absolutely anything!”, she responds, eager to please. “Would you…study?”
A broke and depressed guy is looking for a job
A guy and his wife go golfing
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals
An attractive university student visits her young professor’s office after hours.
Seeing he is still working, she walks in, closes the door, and kneels down in front of him.
“I would do anything to pass this exam.” She pushes his chair back and moves in closer.
“I mean…” she says as she puts her hands on his knees, ” I would do…anything.”
The teacher, doing his best to maintain his composure, looks down at her and says: “Anything?”. “Anything.”, she answers assertively.
“Absolutely anything?”, he asks. “YES, absolutely anything!”, she responds, eager to please. “Would you…study?”
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals
An attractive university student visits her young professor’s office after hours.
Seeing he is still working, she walks in, closes the door, and kneels down in front of him. “I would do anything to pass this exam.”
She pushes his chair back and moves in closer. “I mean…” she says as she puts her hands on his knees, ” I would do…anything.” The teacher, doing his best to maintain his composure, looks down at her and says:
“Anything?”. “Anything.”, she answers assertively. “Absolutely anything?”, he asks.
“YES, absolutely anything!”, she responds, eager to please. “Would you…study?”
A broke and depressed guy is looking for a job
A guy and his wife go golfing
4.
One day after the service a little boy approached the parish priest with a question:
Little Boy: “Father I heard you once say that we all came from dust”
Parish priest, “That’s right I did say that”.
Little boy: “And Father I heard you say that when we die we go back to dust.”
Parish Priest: “That’s right I did say that, I am glad you were listening so very well”.
Little Boy: “Well Father I think you should come to my place and look under my bed because someone is either coming or going!”
Two men were marooned on an Island
The Diaries Of A Married Couple
One day after the service a little boy approached the parish priest with a question:
Little Boy: “Father I heard you once say that we all came from dust”
Parish priest, “That’s right I did say that”.
Little boy: “And Father I heard you say that when we die we go back to dust.”
Parish Priest: “That’s right I did say that, I am glad you were listening so very well”.
Little Boy: “Well Father I think you should come to my place and look under my bed because someone is either coming or going!”
Two men were marooned on an Island
The Diaries Of A Married Couple
5.
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney.
“Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the blonde.
“I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know!”
A group of friends went deer hunting
Paddy was summoned to court
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney.
“Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the blonde.
“I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know!”
A group of friends went deer hunting
Paddy was summoned to court
6.
A couple went to a bang therapists office
The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us having lovemaking, for your expert analysis?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said,
“There’s nothing wrong with the way you have lovemaking,” and charged them $50/-.
This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an Appointment, have lovemaking with no problems pay the doctor fees and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find-out?”
The man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything.
She’s married And we can’t go to her house – I’m married and we can’t go to my house.
The 5 star hotel charges $3000/-, 3 star hotel charges $1500/-, Any other hotel charges minimum $500/- for one day room.
We do it here for $50/-, and I get that back from Medical Insurance.”
An elderly man walks into a confessional
A man came to visit his grandparents
A couple went to a bang therapists office
The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us having lovemaking, for your expert analysis?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said,
“There’s nothing wrong with the way you have lovemaking,” and charged them $50/-.
This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an Appointment, have lovemaking with no problems pay the doctor fees and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find-out?”
The man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything.
She’s married And we can’t go to her house – I’m married and we can’t go to my house.
The 5 star hotel charges $3000/-, 3 star hotel charges $1500/-, Any other hotel charges minimum $500/- for one day room.
We do it here for $50/-, and I get that back from Medical Insurance.”
An elderly man walks into a confessional
A man came to visit his grandparents
7.
“You’re going to jail for all that marijuana in your pocket!” the policeman stated.
“But officer, this weed isn’t mine It keeps appearing in my pocket every time I flush it down the toilet.”
The man replied,
“Oh, really? This I gotta see If you can prove it, you’re free to go!” the policeman challenged.
The man takes all the marijuana out of his pocket and puts it in the toilet.
He then pulls the handle and watches it go down the drain.
Several minutes go by and nothing happens.
“Well, why hasn’t the weed appeared back in your pocket?” the policeman asked.
“What weed?”
A lawyer trying to get tickets
A man and waiter
“You’re going to jail for all that marijuana in your pocket!” the policeman stated.
“But officer, this weed isn’t mine It keeps appearing in my pocket every time I flush it down the toilet.”
The man replied,
“Oh, really? This I gotta see If you can prove it, you’re free to go!” the policeman challenged.
The man takes all the marijuana out of his pocket and puts it in the toilet.
He then pulls the handle and watches it go down the drain.
Several minutes go by and nothing happens.
“Well, why hasn’t the weed appeared back in your pocket?” the policeman asked.
“What weed?”
A lawyer trying to get tickets
A man and waiter
8.
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk’s buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.
“That damned Pete!” the drunk chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”
The teacher decides to play game
A guy comes home from the bar drunk
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk’s buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.
“That damned Pete!” the drunk chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”
The teacher decides to play game
A guy comes home from the bar drunk
9.
A man and his son were once going with their donkey to market.
As they were walking along by his side a countryman passed them and said,
“You fools, what is a donkey for but to ride upon?”
So the man put the boy on the donkey, and they went on their way.
But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said, “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”
So the man ordered his boy to get off, and got on himself.
But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other, shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.
Well, the man didn’t know what to do, but at last he took his boy up before him on the donkey.
By this time they had come to the town, and the passersby began to jeer and point at them.
The man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at.
The men said, “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours, you and your hulking son?”
The man and boy got off and tried to think what to do.
They thought and they thought, until at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders.
They went along amid the laughter of all who met them until they came to a bridge, when the donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the boy to drop his end of the pole.
In the struggle the donkey fell over the bridge, and his forefeet being tied together, he was drowned.
Try to please everyone, and you will please no one.
Three Kids Are Arguing About
A photographer from a well known
A man and his son were once going with their donkey to market.
As they were walking along by his side a countryman passed them and said,
“You fools, what is a donkey for but to ride upon?”
So the man put the boy on the donkey, and they went on their way.
But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said, “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”
So the man ordered his boy to get off, and got on himself.
But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other, shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.
Well, the man didn’t know what to do, but at last he took his boy up before him on the donkey.
By this time they had come to the town, and the passersby began to jeer and point at them.
The man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at.
The men said, “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours, you and your hulking son?”
The man and boy got off and tried to think what to do.
They thought and they thought, until at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders.
They went along amid the laughter of all who met them until they came to a bridge, when the donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the boy to drop his end of the pole.
In the struggle the donkey fell over the bridge, and his forefeet being tied together, he was drowned.
Try to please everyone, and you will please no one.
Three Kids Are Arguing About
A photographer from a well known
10.
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said.
“If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out,
“You’d be his wife!”
The girl approaches the boy
A lady goes into a bar
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said.
“If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out,
“You’d be his wife!”
The girl approaches the boy
A lady goes into a bar
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11.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, Yes, I found the perfect girl.
She was just like my mother you were right, my mother liked her very much.
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
Two men were traveling in company
There was an old man who had a dream
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, Yes, I found the perfect girl.
She was just like my mother you were right, my mother liked her very much.
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
Two men were traveling in company
There was an old man who had a dream
12.
A husband got a message from his neighbour one day.
It read “Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now”
The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife.
He hide the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying “Sorry meant using your wifi”
Three construction workers where sitting on the bridge
One smart father goes to his son
A husband got a message from his neighbour one day.
It read “Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now”
The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife.
He hide the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying “Sorry meant using your wifi”
Three construction workers where sitting on the bridge
One smart father goes to his son
13.
An old man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work c*cktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and young woman entered.
She was so striking that the elderly man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him,
“I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The elderly man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.
He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, “Paint my house.”
A lady goes to the doctor
Johnny and Billy are walking to the church
An old man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work c*cktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and young woman entered.
She was so striking that the elderly man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him,
“I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The elderly man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.
He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, “Paint my house.”
A lady goes to the doctor
Johnny and Billy are walking to the church
14.
A couple is on their honeymoon.
The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink?
I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink.
Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife is sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath?
I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out.
Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve got a confession to make.”
She says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
The husband picked up the phone
A young man and woman got married
A couple is on their honeymoon.
The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink?
I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink.
Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife is sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath?
I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out.
Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve got a confession to make.”
She says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
The husband picked up the phone
A young man and woman got married
15.
An Irishman’s been at a pub all night drinking.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed.
So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”
“How did you know?” he asks.
“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
A blonde and a brunette were discussing
A man went into a bank
An Irishman’s been at a pub all night drinking.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed.
So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”
“How did you know?” he asks.
“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
A blonde and a brunette were discussing
A man went into a bank
16.
A blonde was driving down the Freeway when her Mobile phone rang.
It was her husband warning her:
“Darling”, he said,
“I just heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way down the Freeway.
Please be careful!”
“Its not just one car”, cried the blonde,
“There’s hundreds of them!”
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies
Juan comes up to the border on his bicycle
A blonde was driving down the Freeway when her Mobile phone rang.
It was her husband warning her:
“Darling”, he said,
“I just heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way down the Freeway.
Please be careful!”
“Its not just one car”, cried the blonde,
“There’s hundreds of them!”
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies
Juan comes up to the border on his bicycle
17.
A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right.
The woman’s husband sits patiently in the waiting room.
After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.
Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room, this time asking for a screwdriver.
The husband grows worried and begins to pace in circles.
Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer and at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied fear, runs up and asks, “Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?”
“I don’t know,” replies the flustered doctor, “I can’t get my damn bag open.”
Two older women were fussing
A truck driver was driving
A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right.
The woman’s husband sits patiently in the waiting room.
After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.
Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room, this time asking for a screwdriver.
The husband grows worried and begins to pace in circles.
Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer and at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied fear, runs up and asks, “Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?”
“I don’t know,” replies the flustered doctor, “I can’t get my damn bag open.”
Two older women were fussing
A truck driver was driving
18.
A man runs to the doctor and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The doctor asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
Three men want to become agents
A boy goes drug store with dad
A man runs to the doctor and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The doctor asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
Three men want to become agents
A boy goes drug store with dad
19.
A one day little Johnny asks his dad if he can take a shower with him.
The dad says “yes, but don’t look down.”
So the johnny is in the shower with his dad and he looks down and asks what it is.
The dad replies it’s a snake.
Then he asks if he can take a shower with his mom.
She says “yes, but don’t look up or down.”
They are in the shower and the boy looks up and asks what it is.
The mom replies they’re her headlights.
Then he looks down and asks what it is.
She says it’s her bush.
Then the little johnny asks if he can sleep with his parents.
They reply “yes, but don’t look down.”
He is in bed and then looks down and yells “mommy, turn on your headlights.
The snake is going into the bush!
A Football team was on the field
She turned to her class and said
A one day little Johnny asks his dad if he can take a shower with him.
The dad says “yes, but don’t look down.”
So the johnny is in the shower with his dad and he looks down and asks what it is.
The dad replies it’s a snake.
Then he asks if he can take a shower with his mom.
She says “yes, but don’t look up or down.”
They are in the shower and the boy looks up and asks what it is.
The mom replies they’re her headlights.
Then he looks down and asks what it is.
She says it’s her bush.
Then the little johnny asks if he can sleep with his parents.
They reply “yes, but don’t look down.”
He is in bed and then looks down and yells “mommy, turn on your headlights.
The snake is going into the bush!
A Football team was on the field
She turned to her class and said
20.
An elderly wealthy man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the elderly man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the man, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
After the old man leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the elderly wealthy man man returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The old man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?”
A accountant is in a car travelling
Two guys were playing golf
An elderly wealthy man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the elderly man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the man, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
After the old man leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the elderly wealthy man man returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The old man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?”
A accountant is in a car travelling
Two guys were playing golf
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21.
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend.
She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology.
A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
“Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing,” she said.
“So would I,” replied the technician.
“It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”
Two little boys go into the grocery store
There were five people aboard an airplane
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend.
She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology.
A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
“Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing,” she said.
“So would I,” replied the technician.
“It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”
Two little boys go into the grocery store
There were five people aboard an airplane
22.
Mom, why am I named Rosemary?”
“Because on the day you were born the cook of the hospital accidentally spilled a little rosemary on your cheek while you were in the incubator .”
Satisfied the girl leaves the room and her brother walks in. “Mom, why is my name Leaf?”
“Because on the day you were born a visitor was carry a bouquet of flowers and one of the leaves fell of and landed on your forehead.”
The satisfied boy left the room and his sister came in the room.
“Mommy, why was I named Lily?”
“Because on the day you were born-“
“Waaaaaahhhhhhhhh!”
” KEEP QUIET REAL LIFE MINECRAFT GRAVEL I’M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER! “
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson
A Kurdish man goes to a store
Mom, why am I named Rosemary?”
“Because on the day you were born the cook of the hospital accidentally spilled a little rosemary on your cheek while you were in the incubator .”
Satisfied the girl leaves the room and her brother walks in. “Mom, why is my name Leaf?”
“Because on the day you were born a visitor was carry a bouquet of flowers and one of the leaves fell of and landed on your forehead.”
The satisfied boy left the room and his sister came in the room.
“Mommy, why was I named Lily?”
“Because on the day you were born-“
“Waaaaaahhhhhhhhh!”
” KEEP QUIET REAL LIFE MINECRAFT GRAVEL I’M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER! “
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson
A Kurdish man goes to a store
23.
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
He has two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that.
Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart.
He empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something.
It’s driving me crazy.
It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
A blonde was driving down
The doctor says george everything looks great
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
He has two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that.
Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart.
He empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something.
It’s driving me crazy.
It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
A blonde was driving down
The doctor says george everything looks great
24.
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed,..
His grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
“Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!” he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
“Well… last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”
A couple went to a bang therapists office
When I was married 25 years
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed,..
His grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
“Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!” he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
“Well… last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”
A couple went to a bang therapists office
When I was married 25 years
25.
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies. “And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” she asks. “The one I asked for – an Italian girl!” “Oh, that.
I did what I could.
We’ll just have to wait 9 months to see if it’s a girl.
The old man wrote a letter to his son
Young woman ran up to me at the cemetery
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies. “And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” she asks. “The one I asked for – an Italian girl!” “Oh, that.
I did what I could.
We’ll just have to wait 9 months to see if it’s a girl.
The old man wrote a letter to his son
Young woman ran up to me at the cemetery
26.
Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”
“I sure do” Grandpa replied.
“What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”
“How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”
“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”
“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”
“Huh?” Questioned Grandpa.
“Why’s that?” “Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”
Bob asks his mom
A man and his wife were going
Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”
“I sure do” Grandpa replied.
“What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”
“How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”
“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”
“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”
“Huh?” Questioned Grandpa.
“Why’s that?” “Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”
Bob asks his mom
A man and his wife were going
27.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you, If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one biting the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
A man goes to the doctor
Getting late for a meeting
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you, If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one biting the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
A man goes to the doctor
Getting late for a meeting
28.
Years later, they get back together to discuss the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother for her 90th Birthday.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat.
You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can’t see very well.
I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible.
It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him.
I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it.
Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
“Milton,” she wrote the first son, “The house you built is so huge.
I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Marvin,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel.
I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Melvin,” she wrote to her third son, “You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes that chicken was delicious.”
The boss of a big company needed to call
I think my wife is having a affair
Years later, they get back together to discuss the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother for her 90th Birthday.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat.
You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can’t see very well.
I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible.
It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him.
I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it.
Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
“Milton,” she wrote the first son, “The house you built is so huge.
I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Marvin,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel.
I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Melvin,” she wrote to her third son, “You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes that chicken was delicious.”
The boss of a big company needed to call
I think my wife is having a affair
29.
A son took his old father to a restaurant for an evening dinner.
Father being very old and weak, while eating, dropped food on his shirt and trousers.
Other diners watched him in disgust while his son was calm.
After he finished eating, his son who was not at all embarrassed, quietly took him to the washroom, wiped the food particles, removed the stains, combed his hair and fitted his spectacles firmly.
When they came out, the entire restaurant was watching them in dead silence, not able to grasp how someone could embarrass themselves publicly like that.
The son settled the bill and started walking out with his father.
At that time, an old man among-st the diners called out to the son and asked him, “Don’t you think you have left something behind?”.
The son replied, “No sir, I haven’t”.
The old man retorted, Yes you have! You left a lesson for every son and hope for every father”.
The restaurant went silent.
A married couple went to the hospital
The John’s grandpa
A son took his old father to a restaurant for an evening dinner.
Father being very old and weak, while eating, dropped food on his shirt and trousers.
Other diners watched him in disgust while his son was calm.
After he finished eating, his son who was not at all embarrassed, quietly took him to the washroom, wiped the food particles, removed the stains, combed his hair and fitted his spectacles firmly.
When they came out, the entire restaurant was watching them in dead silence, not able to grasp how someone could embarrass themselves publicly like that.
The son settled the bill and started walking out with his father.
At that time, an old man among-st the diners called out to the son and asked him, “Don’t you think you have left something behind?”.
The son replied, “No sir, I haven’t”.
The old man retorted, Yes you have! You left a lesson for every son and hope for every father”.
The restaurant went silent.
A married couple went to the hospital
The John’s grandpa
30.
Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines.
He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage.
“Excuse me,” said Joe “dogs are not allowed on board, you have to check it in with the baggage.”
The lady wasn’t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene.
Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same.
Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog.
They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief.
“This isn’t my dog!” said the lady as soon as she saw it.
“I’m sure it is” insisted Joe “I was very careful about where I put it.”
“It’s not my dog” argued the lady, “you see, I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!”
The cop pulled over an old lady
A cop pulls her over and says
Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines.
He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage.
“Excuse me,” said Joe “dogs are not allowed on board, you have to check it in with the baggage.”
The lady wasn’t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene.
Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same.
Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog.
They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief.
“This isn’t my dog!” said the lady as soon as she saw it.
“I’m sure it is” insisted Joe “I was very careful about where I put it.”
“It’s not my dog” argued the lady, “you see, I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!”
The cop pulled over an old lady
A cop pulls her over and says
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Eng Jokes