1.
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it’s sitting in the seat next to him.
He thinks it’s unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it’s not a distraction he won’t mention it.
The movie starts and pretty soon there’s a funny part.
The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter.
In a little while there’s a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping.
This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded.
When the lights come up he taps the dog’s owner on the shoulder and tells him,
“I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie.”
The dog owner looks at the dog and nods.
“I know, it really is weird,” he says,
“because he absolutely hated the book.”
A pig walks into a bar and orders
A guys walking down the street
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it’s sitting in the seat next to him.
He thinks it’s unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it’s not a distraction he won’t mention it.
The movie starts and pretty soon there’s a funny part.
The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter.
In a little while there’s a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping.
This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded.
When the lights come up he taps the dog’s owner on the shoulder and tells him,
“I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie.”
The dog owner looks at the dog and nods.
“I know, it really is weird,” he says,
“because he absolutely hated the book.”
A pig walks into a bar and orders
A guys walking down the street
2.
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.
He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically.
“What if you get hungry?” he said.
“Then I’ll come home and eat!” bravely declared the child.
“And what if you run out of money?”
“I will come home and get some!”, readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”
“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home, he’s going off to college!!!”
A husband and wife got into a spat
A man and his wife went without talking
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.
He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically.
“What if you get hungry?” he said.
“Then I’ll come home and eat!” bravely declared the child.
“And what if you run out of money?”
“I will come home and get some!”, readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”
“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home, he’s going off to college!!!”
A husband and wife got into a spat
A man and his wife went without talking
3.
Two men died and went to Heaven.
St. Peter greeted them, and said “I’m sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren’t ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.”
“Great!” said the first guy, “I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!”
“No problem,” replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. “And what do you want to be,” St. Peter asked the other guy.
“I’d like to be one cool stud!” was the reply.
“Easy,” replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. “You’ll find them easily,” he says, “One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!”
A drunk comes stumbling into a bar
A local bar was so sure that its barman
Two men died and went to Heaven.
St. Peter greeted them, and said “I’m sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren’t ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.”
“Great!” said the first guy, “I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!”
“No problem,” replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. “And what do you want to be,” St. Peter asked the other guy.
“I’d like to be one cool stud!” was the reply.
“Easy,” replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. “You’ll find them easily,” he says, “One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!”
A drunk comes stumbling into a bar
A local bar was so sure that its barman
4.
The junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains.
Neither one could account for his trouble.
Arriving home from work one night, he informed her.
“I finally discovered why I’ve been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I’ve been sitting in the wastebasket.”
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single
A elderly man who sold flowers in a small town
The junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains.
Neither one could account for his trouble.
Arriving home from work one night, he informed her.
“I finally discovered why I’ve been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I’ve been sitting in the wastebasket.”
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single
A elderly man who sold flowers in a small town
5.
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook.
They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before.
They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook.
One of the men said to the other, “This is the place!”.
The other replied, “No, it’s not!”.
The first man said, “Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
To which the other man replied, “Silly, you can’t tell a brook by it’s clover.”
A woman said to her friend
A man and his dog walk into a bar
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook.
They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before.
They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook.
One of the men said to the other, “This is the place!”.
The other replied, “No, it’s not!”.
The first man said, “Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
To which the other man replied, “Silly, you can’t tell a brook by it’s clover.”
A woman said to her friend
A man and his dog walk into a bar
6.
A man found a genie in a magic lamp and was granted three wishes.
The genie said, “For every wish you make, your wife gets two.”
The man asked for a car and the genie gave his wife two.
Then the man asked for a house and again his wife got double.
The jealous husband said, “For my last wish, beat me half to death.”
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder
They were stopped by the police
A man found a genie in a magic lamp and was granted three wishes.
The genie said, “For every wish you make, your wife gets two.”
The man asked for a car and the genie gave his wife two.
Then the man asked for a house and again his wife got double.
The jealous husband said, “For my last wish, beat me half to death.”
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder
They were stopped by the police
7.
A teacher said to her student, “Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?”
After a few moments, Billy answered, “It depends.”
“It depends on what?” she asked.
“It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother.”
A man told his doctor
The husband picked up the phone
A teacher said to her student, “Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?”
After a few moments, Billy answered, “It depends.”
“It depends on what?” she asked.
“It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother.”
A man told his doctor
The husband picked up the phone
8.
So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter.
There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks,
“What are these clocks for?”
St. Peter replies, “These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell.
Here we have Mother Teresa’s clock.
She has never lied so the clock has not moved.
Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice.”
The man then asks, “So where is George Bush’s clock?”
St. Peter replies, “Oh, that is in Jesus’ office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!”
Mother superior tells two new nuns
Guy calls in to his Boss
So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter.
There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks,
“What are these clocks for?”
St. Peter replies, “These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell.
Here we have Mother Teresa’s clock.
She has never lied so the clock has not moved.
Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice.”
The man then asks, “So where is George Bush’s clock?”
St. Peter replies, “Oh, that is in Jesus’ office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!”
Mother superior tells two new nuns
Guy calls in to his Boss
9.
An old owl was perched on a tree on top of a hill one very cold night.
He looked down in the valley and saw a light in a window so he decided to fly down to the window ledge in hopes there was some warmth escaping.
Well sure enough it was warm, so he fell fast asleep.
He didn’t know that there were two veterinary students inside studying for final exams.
The two veterinary students spotted the owl and decided to use him as practice.
They eased the window open and gassed him.
The first student looked down the owls throat and said he has tonsillitis, so he operated.
The other looked at his butt and announced that the owl had hemorrhoids, so he operated.
They placed the owl back out on the ledge.
The owl woke up very groggy and flew away.
The next winter that same owl was perched on the same tree on a very cold night.
A young owl landed next to him and said brrrr it sure is cold out tonight.
The old owl agreed.
The young owl noticed there was a light down in the valley and suggested they both fly down there to the window ledge and maybe find some escaping heat.
The old owl replied “no way”, last year I did the same thing, passed out, woke up drunk and for the next six weeks I couldn’t sh!t worth a hoot or hoot worth a sh!t.
Joe was sitting at a bar
A alabama sheriff went fishing
An old owl was perched on a tree on top of a hill one very cold night.
He looked down in the valley and saw a light in a window so he decided to fly down to the window ledge in hopes there was some warmth escaping.
Well sure enough it was warm, so he fell fast asleep.
He didn’t know that there were two veterinary students inside studying for final exams.
The two veterinary students spotted the owl and decided to use him as practice.
They eased the window open and gassed him.
The first student looked down the owls throat and said he has tonsillitis, so he operated.
The other looked at his butt and announced that the owl had hemorrhoids, so he operated.
They placed the owl back out on the ledge.
The owl woke up very groggy and flew away.
The next winter that same owl was perched on the same tree on a very cold night.
A young owl landed next to him and said brrrr it sure is cold out tonight.
The old owl agreed.
The young owl noticed there was a light down in the valley and suggested they both fly down there to the window ledge and maybe find some escaping heat.
The old owl replied “no way”, last year I did the same thing, passed out, woke up drunk and for the next six weeks I couldn’t sh!t worth a hoot or hoot worth a sh!t.
Joe was sitting at a bar
A alabama sheriff went fishing
10.
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.
“I’m shocked!” she complained.
“This is three times what you normally charge.”
“Yes, I know,” said the dentist.
“But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients.”
A hunter ventures into the forest
A laywoman was driving down
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.
“I’m shocked!” she complained.
“This is three times what you normally charge.”
“Yes, I know,” said the dentist.
“But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients.”
A hunter ventures into the forest
A laywoman was driving down
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11.
A woman went to her dentist to have her dentures adjusted for the fifth time.
She said they still didn’t fit.
“Well,” said the dentist, “I’ll do it again this time, but no more.
There’s no reason why these shouldn’t fit your mouth easily.”
“Who said anything about my mouth?” the woman answered.
“They don’t fit in the glass!”
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident
The retired guy goes to the doctor
A woman went to her dentist to have her dentures adjusted for the fifth time.
She said they still didn’t fit.
“Well,” said the dentist, “I’ll do it again this time, but no more.
There’s no reason why these shouldn’t fit your mouth easily.”
“Who said anything about my mouth?” the woman answered.
“They don’t fit in the glass!”
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident
The retired guy goes to the doctor
12.
After 15 years of not having lovemaking, an old couple finally decide that it’s about time they did something about their make love life.
After much deliberation they decide to have a nudist day, they will walk around the house all day with nothing on, and just see what happens.
The next day comes and they decide to have breakfast round the kitchen table without a scrap of clothing on.
After a little while the old lady turns to here husband and says, “By love I think this is working, I’m getting really turned on!!”
They old man replies, “Well how do you mean love?”
His wife says, “Well I’m getting all hot… my melons are red hot!!!”
He replies, “Well I’m not bloody surprised woman! You’ve got one melons in your coffee and the other in your porridge!”
A young honeymoon couple were touring
A couple was lying in bed one evening
After 15 years of not having lovemaking, an old couple finally decide that it’s about time they did something about their make love life.
After much deliberation they decide to have a nudist day, they will walk around the house all day with nothing on, and just see what happens.
The next day comes and they decide to have breakfast round the kitchen table without a scrap of clothing on.
After a little while the old lady turns to here husband and says, “By love I think this is working, I’m getting really turned on!!”
They old man replies, “Well how do you mean love?”
His wife says, “Well I’m getting all hot… my melons are red hot!!!”
He replies, “Well I’m not bloody surprised woman! You’ve got one melons in your coffee and the other in your porridge!”
A young honeymoon couple were touring
A couple was lying in bed one evening
13.
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office.
The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.
“She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.”
The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.”
She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?”
“No, mummy,” said the girl.
“Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!”
The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again.
Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?”
“No, Madam,” said the doctor.
“It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”
A husband exclaims to his wife one day
A policeman pulled over a car
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office.
The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.
“She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.”
The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.”
She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?”
“No, mummy,” said the girl.
“Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!”
The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again.
Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?”
“No, Madam,” said the doctor.
“It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”
A husband exclaims to his wife one day
A policeman pulled over a car
14.
A queer couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The one who was giving the party said, “We`be blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I`be never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in His hand.
Next, it was the birthday boy`s turn.
He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, “Well, I`d like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
A Russian couple are walking
Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom
A queer couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The one who was giving the party said, “We`be blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I`be never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in His hand.
Next, it was the birthday boy`s turn.
He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, “Well, I`d like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
A Russian couple are walking
Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom
15.
There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle.
For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant’s tail, really hard.
Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.
The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.
“Why did you do that?” the giraffe asks.
“When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason,” the elephant replied.
“Wow! You must have a good memory!” exclaimed the giraffe.
“Yep!” said the elephant.
“I’ve got Turtle-Recall.”
Alan’s wife called him as he was at pub
A woman noticed a dog ad in the local newspaper
There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle.
For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant’s tail, really hard.
Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.
The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.
“Why did you do that?” the giraffe asks.
“When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason,” the elephant replied.
“Wow! You must have a good memory!” exclaimed the giraffe.
“Yep!” said the elephant.
“I’ve got Turtle-Recall.”
Alan’s wife called him as he was at pub
A woman noticed a dog ad in the local newspaper
16.
An Irishman’s been at a pub all night drinking.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed.
So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”
“How did you know?” he asks.
“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
A blonde and a brunette were discussing
A man went into a bank
An Irishman’s been at a pub all night drinking.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed.
So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”
“How did you know?” he asks.
“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
A blonde and a brunette were discussing
A man went into a bank
17.
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes.
His boss asked what happened.
The man said, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church.
When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out.
She turned around and punched me square in the eye.”
“Where did you get the other shiner?” the boss asked.
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover
A woman was terribly overweight
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes.
His boss asked what happened.
The man said, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church.
When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out.
She turned around and punched me square in the eye.”
“Where did you get the other shiner?” the boss asked.
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover
A woman was terribly overweight
18.
A chemist comes back from his lunch break.
He finds his assistant busy behind the counter, and a man twitching while leaning against the wall.
“What’s going on?” he asks. The assistant tells him that the man came in for some cough syrup.
“Well, did you give it to him?” asks the chemist.
“No, we didn’t have any,” replies the assistant. “So what *have* you given him?” asks the chemist.
“Laxatives,” replies the assistant.
The chemists stares at the assistant, then the man, then back again.
And the assistant says, “Well, he doesn’t want to cough now.”
Once there was a young man whose friends
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer
A chemist comes back from his lunch break.
He finds his assistant busy behind the counter, and a man twitching while leaning against the wall.
“What’s going on?” he asks. The assistant tells him that the man came in for some cough syrup.
“Well, did you give it to him?” asks the chemist.
“No, we didn’t have any,” replies the assistant. “So what *have* you given him?” asks the chemist.
“Laxatives,” replies the assistant.
The chemists stares at the assistant, then the man, then back again.
And the assistant says, “Well, he doesn’t want to cough now.”
Once there was a young man whose friends
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer
19.
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers” she said.
“That’s right” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her underwear and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell” he said. ”I can’t get into your underwear!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes!”
A man was on a bus tour
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers” she said.
“That’s right” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her underwear and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell” he said. ”I can’t get into your underwear!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes!”
A man was on a bus tour
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon
20.
A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”
The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America he’s a very busy man.”
“But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,” added the old woman.
The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices.
She came back and said, “You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,” and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.
When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk.
The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?”
She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,” and placed the bag of money on his desk.
“How much would you like to deposit?” he asked curiously.
One nun was called Sister Mathematical
The burnt light
A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”
The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America he’s a very busy man.”
“But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,” added the old woman.
The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices.
She came back and said, “You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,” and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.
When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk.
The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?”
She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,” and placed the bag of money on his desk.
“How much would you like to deposit?” he asked curiously.
One nun was called Sister Mathematical
The burnt light
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21.
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
A man went into a bar in a high rise
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
A man went into a bar in a high rise
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
22.
Little James is at a horse auction with his father.
He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, backside.
After a few minutes, little James asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
Nodding, his father replies, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I make a decision.”
Little James looks worried.
Finally, he says, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
A large cage containing a male rat
Little James is at a horse auction with his father.
He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, backside.
After a few minutes, little James asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
Nodding, his father replies, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I make a decision.”
Little James looks worried.
Finally, he says, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
A large cage containing a male rat
23.
A customer in a restaurant orders a bowl of soup.
However, the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over.
“Can you please taste the soup?”
“What’s wrong with the soup?”
“Just taste it.”
“Why?”
“Just taste it.”
“Sir, I–”
“Just taste it.”
“Fine, I’ll taste the soup. Where’s the spoon?”
“EXACTLY. BRING ME A G***DAMN SPOON.”
Two Arkansans Meet On A Dusty, Country Road
Sharing A Room
A customer in a restaurant orders a bowl of soup.
However, the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over.
“Can you please taste the soup?”
“What’s wrong with the soup?”
“Just taste it.”
“Why?”
“Just taste it.”
“Sir, I–”
“Just taste it.”
“Fine, I’ll taste the soup. Where’s the spoon?”
“EXACTLY. BRING ME A G***DAMN SPOON.”
Two Arkansans Meet On A Dusty, Country Road
Sharing A Room
24.
A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the wife.
“It’s on sale. Only $10 for a case,” he replies.
“We can’t afford it. Put it back,” demands the wife.
They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
“So does the Budweiser and it’s half the price,” retorts the husband.
John and David were both patients
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the wife.
“It’s on sale. Only $10 for a case,” he replies.
“We can’t afford it. Put it back,” demands the wife.
They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
“So does the Budweiser and it’s half the price,” retorts the husband.
John and David were both patients
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
25.
A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court.
He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, “Did anyone tell you what to say in court?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the boy.
“I thought so,” said the attorney. “Who was it?”
“My father, sir.”
“And what did he tell you?” the attorney asked accusingly.
“He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right.”
After many years of bachelorhood
One day Emma came home and asked her mother
A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court.
He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, “Did anyone tell you what to say in court?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the boy.
“I thought so,” said the attorney. “Who was it?”
“My father, sir.”
“And what did he tell you?” the attorney asked accusingly.
“He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right.”
After many years of bachelorhood
One day Emma came home and asked her mother
26.
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had manhood 24 inches long.
When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their shaft and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches it to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, “How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?”
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his willy.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”
“Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,” he replied.
“Wow, you’ve grown to 12 inches??”
“No…it’s turned black.”
A man and his wife are travelling through
A guy gets home late one night
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had manhood 24 inches long.
When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their shaft and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches it to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, “How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?”
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his willy.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”
“Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,” he replied.
“Wow, you’ve grown to 12 inches??”
“No…it’s turned black.”
A man and his wife are travelling through
A guy gets home late one night
27.
A little old lady answered a knock on her door one day to find a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man.
“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I’d like to demonstrate the latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
The old lady responded,
“Go away! I don’t have any money,” and began to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty! Let me show you what this vacuum can do.”
He then dumped a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove every trace of this mess, I’ll eat the rest of it myself.”
The old lady stepped back, smiled, and said,
“Well, I hope you’ve got a big appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning!”
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
Two teenagers meet after school
A little old lady answered a knock on her door one day to find a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man.
“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I’d like to demonstrate the latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
The old lady responded,
“Go away! I don’t have any money,” and began to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty! Let me show you what this vacuum can do.”
He then dumped a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove every trace of this mess, I’ll eat the rest of it myself.”
The old lady stepped back, smiled, and said,
“Well, I hope you’ve got a big appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning!”
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
Two teenagers meet after school
28.
Paddy and Murphy were watching a John Wayne movie.
Paddy said to Murphy,
“I bet you €5 John Wayne falls off this horse and the horse goes over the cliff.”
Murphy said,
“Ok Paddy.” So there they are, watching the film and John Wayne falls off the horse and the horse goes over the cliff.
Paddy turns round to Murphy.
“I told you what would happen.”
Murphy said,
“You’re right Paddy, there you go €5.
Paddy thinks and at the end of the film, says.
“I feel pretty bad here Murphy.”
“Why that Paddy?”
“Because I’ve seen this film before.”
Murphy says,
“So have I, but I didn’t expect him to make the same mistake twice.”
A rancher was minding his own business
The wise man
Paddy and Murphy were watching a John Wayne movie.
Paddy said to Murphy,
“I bet you €5 John Wayne falls off this horse and the horse goes over the cliff.”
Murphy said,
“Ok Paddy.” So there they are, watching the film and John Wayne falls off the horse and the horse goes over the cliff.
Paddy turns round to Murphy.
“I told you what would happen.”
Murphy said,
“You’re right Paddy, there you go €5.
Paddy thinks and at the end of the film, says.
“I feel pretty bad here Murphy.”
“Why that Paddy?”
“Because I’ve seen this film before.”
Murphy says,
“So have I, but I didn’t expect him to make the same mistake twice.”
A rancher was minding his own business
The wise man
29.
An elderly guy gets pulled over by a speed cop as he’s doing 80mph in a 30mph zone.
The guy winds his window down as the cop approaches him and says, “I’m really sorry officer I know I was speeding but there is a good reason.”
The officer retorts “I’ve heard all the good reasons and I’ll listen but I know I’ll end up arresting you.”
So the guy starts; “Do you see that woman in the passenger seat?”
The officer looks and sees this stone faced woman glaring at him with fire in her eyes and nods to say he can see her.
The guy then says “ Can you also see the woman in the back seat”?
The officer looks to see an older even more stone faced version of the first woman, again with fire in her eyes.
He nods in acknowledgement to the driver again.
The driver then says, “the woman in the passenger seat is my wife and the woman in the back is her mother who came to stay with us for 3 weeks 9 months ago”.
“This morning they had a massive argument and vowed never to speak to each other ever again”.
“So the reason I’m speeding is to get my mother in law back to her house as quickly as possible before they make up”
The officer looks at the driver, nods and says “Shit I didn’t know it was an emergency, I’ll radio ahead to get the road clear and put my siren and flashing lights on,you follow me and we’ll get her home before that happens”.
A old lady married four times
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town
An elderly guy gets pulled over by a speed cop as he’s doing 80mph in a 30mph zone.
The guy winds his window down as the cop approaches him and says, “I’m really sorry officer I know I was speeding but there is a good reason.”
The officer retorts “I’ve heard all the good reasons and I’ll listen but I know I’ll end up arresting you.”
So the guy starts; “Do you see that woman in the passenger seat?”
The officer looks and sees this stone faced woman glaring at him with fire in her eyes and nods to say he can see her.
The guy then says “ Can you also see the woman in the back seat”?
The officer looks to see an older even more stone faced version of the first woman, again with fire in her eyes.
He nods in acknowledgement to the driver again.
The driver then says, “the woman in the passenger seat is my wife and the woman in the back is her mother who came to stay with us for 3 weeks 9 months ago”.
“This morning they had a massive argument and vowed never to speak to each other ever again”.
“So the reason I’m speeding is to get my mother in law back to her house as quickly as possible before they make up”
The officer looks at the driver, nods and says “Shit I didn’t know it was an emergency, I’ll radio ahead to get the road clear and put my siren and flashing lights on,you follow me and we’ll get her home before that happens”.
A old lady married four times
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town
30.
One night four college students were out partying late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning, they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt.
Then they went to the Dean and said they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their way back the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back.
So they were in no condition to take the test.
The Dean thought for a minute and said they can have the re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day, they appeared before the Dean.
The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of only 2 questions with the total of 100 Points:
1) Your Name? __________ (1 Points)
2) Which tire burst? __________ (99 Points)
Options – (a) Front Left (b) Front Right (c) Back Left (d) Back Right
A Swedish truck
A king had his men place a boulder
One night four college students were out partying late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning, they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt.
Then they went to the Dean and said they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their way back the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back.
So they were in no condition to take the test.
The Dean thought for a minute and said they can have the re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day, they appeared before the Dean.
The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of only 2 questions with the total of 100 Points:
1) Your Name? __________ (1 Points)
2) Which tire burst? __________ (99 Points)
Options – (a) Front Left (b) Front Right (c) Back Left (d) Back Right
A Swedish truck
A king had his men place a boulder
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Eng Jokes