1.
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent ‘s Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab Sheik.
After the surgery, the Arab Sheik sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
Couple of days later, once again, the Arab Sheik had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab Sheik this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab Sheik & asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money… but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies”.
To this the Arab Sheik replied: “Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins”.
One night the Nasreddin Hodja
A leading local politician
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent ‘s Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab Sheik.
After the surgery, the Arab Sheik sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
Couple of days later, once again, the Arab Sheik had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab Sheik this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab Sheik & asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money… but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies”.
To this the Arab Sheik replied: “Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins”.
One night the Nasreddin Hodja
A leading local politician
2.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see eachvchild’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist
The patient ask to doctor
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see eachvchild’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist
The patient ask to doctor
3.
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer,
lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?”
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for…
“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”
“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging,
I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”
“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of melons I’ve ever seen. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess”
A chemist comes back from his lunch break
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer,
lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?”
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for…
“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”
“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging,
I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”
“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of melons I’ve ever seen. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess”
A chemist comes back from his lunch break
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson
4.
Little Johnny, 6 years old, gets home from school.
He had his first family planning lesson at school.
His mother, is very interested and she asks, “How did it go?”
“I died of shame” he answers!
Annie from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Timmy in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.
His mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”
“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders
Ethel and Mabel two elderly widows
Little Johnny, 6 years old, gets home from school.
He had his first family planning lesson at school.
His mother, is very interested and she asks, “How did it go?”
“I died of shame” he answers!
Annie from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Timmy in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.
His mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”
“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders
Ethel and Mabel two elderly widows
5.
The CEO of a large company was walking to the cafeteria along with two of his secretaries.
Upon tripping on a bottle, a genie appeared and asked the threesome if they would like to each make a wish.
The first secretary excitedly exclaimed, “I wish I was on a beach in a tropical island!” Immediately her wish was granted.
The next secretary proclaimed, “I wish I was on a tour of France!” Immediately her wish too, was granted.
Being that it was now his turn to make a wish the CEO exclaimed “I want the two of them back in their offices right after lunch!”
A man died and went up to heaven
Harry had been feeling sick lately
The CEO of a large company was walking to the cafeteria along with two of his secretaries.
Upon tripping on a bottle, a genie appeared and asked the threesome if they would like to each make a wish.
The first secretary excitedly exclaimed, “I wish I was on a beach in a tropical island!” Immediately her wish was granted.
The next secretary proclaimed, “I wish I was on a tour of France!” Immediately her wish too, was granted.
Being that it was now his turn to make a wish the CEO exclaimed “I want the two of them back in their offices right after lunch!”
A man died and went up to heaven
Harry had been feeling sick lately
6.
An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream.
She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her.
He asked what was wrong.
She said, “I had a dream that I died and you got remarried.”
She asked him, “If I died tomorrow would you get remarried?”
He said, “Sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely.”
Then she asked, “Well would you two live in this house?”
“Sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage.”
She asked again, angry now “well would she sleep in this bed?”
He snickered and said, “Yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there’s no reason to get rid of it.”
She asked irately, “Well would she use my golf clubs?”
He replied with a straight, serious face “No. She’s left handed.”
The mother asks little Johnny
A little boy asked his dad
An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream.
She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her.
He asked what was wrong.
She said, “I had a dream that I died and you got remarried.”
She asked him, “If I died tomorrow would you get remarried?”
He said, “Sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely.”
Then she asked, “Well would you two live in this house?”
“Sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage.”
She asked again, angry now “well would she sleep in this bed?”
He snickered and said, “Yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there’s no reason to get rid of it.”
She asked irately, “Well would she use my golf clubs?”
He replied with a straight, serious face “No. She’s left handed.”
The mother asks little Johnny
A little boy asked his dad
7.
“How did you start your spiritual life?” asked one of the Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples.
“My mother used to say that I was neither crazy enough to check in into a mad house nor saintly enough to enter a monastery,” Tabrizi answered.
“So I decided to devote myself to Sufism, where we learn through free meditation.”
“And how did you explain it to your mother?”
“With the following fable: someone entrusted a little cat to take care of a duck.
The duck followed his adoptive mother everywhere until the day both of them reached a lake.
Immediately, the duck plunged into the water while the cat yelled at the border: ‘get out of there! You’ll drown!’”
“And the little duck answered: ‘no, mommy, I discovered what is good for me and I can tell I am in my environment.
I will stay here even if you don’t know what a lake means.’”
Once while a travelling Tenali Rama
Every day Nasreddin went to beg
“How did you start your spiritual life?” asked one of the Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples.
“My mother used to say that I was neither crazy enough to check in into a mad house nor saintly enough to enter a monastery,” Tabrizi answered.
“So I decided to devote myself to Sufism, where we learn through free meditation.”
“And how did you explain it to your mother?”
“With the following fable: someone entrusted a little cat to take care of a duck.
The duck followed his adoptive mother everywhere until the day both of them reached a lake.
Immediately, the duck plunged into the water while the cat yelled at the border: ‘get out of there! You’ll drown!’”
“And the little duck answered: ‘no, mommy, I discovered what is good for me and I can tell I am in my environment.
I will stay here even if you don’t know what a lake means.’”
Once while a travelling Tenali Rama
Every day Nasreddin went to beg
8.
Once upon a time there were two men in a wood-chopping contest.
They were tasked with chopping down as many trees in the forest as they could from sun-up to sun-down.
The winner would be rewarded with both fame and fortune.
From morning till noon, both men steadily chopped and chopped.
By noon they were neck and neck, but then one man took a break and stopped chopping.
The other man saw this and thought to himself: “The lazy fool, he’s probably taken a break for lunch.
He’s given me a chance to get ahead of him and I will without doubt win this contest!”
A while later the man got back to work.
As the day continued he chopped more trees than his hard-working (and hungry) competitor and by mid-afternoon he had taken a clear lead.
When sundown came, the man who had taken the break at noon had chopped almost twice as many trees as the other man, who was drenched in sweat, hungry and exhausted.
“How did you beat me?” he asked puzzled
“You were lazier than I and even took a break for lunch!”
“Ah,” said the other man, “I did take a break, but it was during that break, that I sharpened my axe.”
A farmer is tending to his flock sheep
The baker decided to weigh the butter
Once upon a time there were two men in a wood-chopping contest.
They were tasked with chopping down as many trees in the forest as they could from sun-up to sun-down.
The winner would be rewarded with both fame and fortune.
From morning till noon, both men steadily chopped and chopped.
By noon they were neck and neck, but then one man took a break and stopped chopping.
The other man saw this and thought to himself: “The lazy fool, he’s probably taken a break for lunch.
He’s given me a chance to get ahead of him and I will without doubt win this contest!”
A while later the man got back to work.
As the day continued he chopped more trees than his hard-working (and hungry) competitor and by mid-afternoon he had taken a clear lead.
When sundown came, the man who had taken the break at noon had chopped almost twice as many trees as the other man, who was drenched in sweat, hungry and exhausted.
“How did you beat me?” he asked puzzled
“You were lazier than I and even took a break for lunch!”
“Ah,” said the other man, “I did take a break, but it was during that break, that I sharpened my axe.”
A farmer is tending to his flock sheep
The baker decided to weigh the butter
9.
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
“If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said,
“If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
A old man was in the hospital
A old lady married four times
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
“If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said,
“If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
A old man was in the hospital
A old lady married four times
10.
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade of an ancient walnut tree.
His body was at rest, but, befitting his calling as an imam, his mind did not relax.
Looking up into the mighty tree he considered the greatness and wisdom of Allah.
“Allah is great and Allah is good,” said the Hodja,
“but was it indeed wise that such a great tree as this be created to bear only tiny walnuts as fruit?
Behold the stout stem and strong limbs.
They could easily carry the pumpkins that grow from spindly vines in yonder field, vines that cannot begin to bear the weight of their own fruit.
Should not walnuts grow on weakly vines and pumpkins on sturdy trees?”
So thinking, the Hodja dosed off, only to be awakened by a walnut that fell from the tree, striking him on his forehead.
“Allah be praised!” he exclaimed, seeing what had happened.
“If the world had been created according to my meager wisdom,
it would have been a pumpkin that fell from the tree and hit me on the head.
It would have killed me for sure!
Allah is great! Allah is good! Allah is wise!” Never again did Nasreddin Hodja question the wisdom of Allah.
Who You Are Makes A Difference
The cop walks up to the truck and asks
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade of an ancient walnut tree.
His body was at rest, but, befitting his calling as an imam, his mind did not relax.
Looking up into the mighty tree he considered the greatness and wisdom of Allah.
“Allah is great and Allah is good,” said the Hodja,
“but was it indeed wise that such a great tree as this be created to bear only tiny walnuts as fruit?
Behold the stout stem and strong limbs.
They could easily carry the pumpkins that grow from spindly vines in yonder field, vines that cannot begin to bear the weight of their own fruit.
Should not walnuts grow on weakly vines and pumpkins on sturdy trees?”
So thinking, the Hodja dosed off, only to be awakened by a walnut that fell from the tree, striking him on his forehead.
“Allah be praised!” he exclaimed, seeing what had happened.
“If the world had been created according to my meager wisdom,
it would have been a pumpkin that fell from the tree and hit me on the head.
It would have killed me for sure!
Allah is great! Allah is good! Allah is wise!” Never again did Nasreddin Hodja question the wisdom of Allah.
Who You Are Makes A Difference
The cop walks up to the truck and asks
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11.
The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, “Look at these. They’re the most perfect ones God ever created, and I’m proud to own them.
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks The Queen the same question.
She then drops her skirt and underwear, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, “OK, Your Majesty, you may go in.”
Dolly is outraged.
She screams, “What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and gets in and I don’t?!!!”
“Sorry, Dolly,” says St. Peter, “but a royal flush beats a pair any day.”
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant
A woman consulted a divorce attorney
The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, “Look at these. They’re the most perfect ones God ever created, and I’m proud to own them.
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks The Queen the same question.
She then drops her skirt and underwear, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, “OK, Your Majesty, you may go in.”
Dolly is outraged.
She screams, “What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and gets in and I don’t?!!!”
“Sorry, Dolly,” says St. Peter, “but a royal flush beats a pair any day.”
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant
A woman consulted a divorce attorney
12.
They were stuck behind a really slow group of golfers.
The economist fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes.
That’s a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!.”
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”
The economist said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
A philosopher was strolling through
A police officer stopped a motorist
They were stuck behind a really slow group of golfers.
The economist fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes.
That’s a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!.”
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”
The economist said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
A philosopher was strolling through
A police officer stopped a motorist
13.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me
We’re the same age; We were the same size as kids
I just don’t get it.”
“Well, ” said the big Gator, “What have you been eating?”
“Lawyers and politicians, same as you, ” replied the small Gator.
“Hmm
Well, where do you catch them?”
“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.”
“Same here
Hmm
How do you catch them?”
“Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh.
out of them and eat ’em!”
“Ah!” says the big Alligator, “I think I see your problem.
“You’re not getting any real nourishment.”
“See, by the time you finish shaking the sh.
out of a lawyer or a politician, there’s nothing left but an as..
and a briefcase.”
The man said to the dentist
A young caveman
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me
We’re the same age; We were the same size as kids
I just don’t get it.”
“Well, ” said the big Gator, “What have you been eating?”
“Lawyers and politicians, same as you, ” replied the small Gator.
“Hmm
Well, where do you catch them?”
“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.”
“Same here
Hmm
How do you catch them?”
“Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh.
out of them and eat ’em!”
“Ah!” says the big Alligator, “I think I see your problem.
“You’re not getting any real nourishment.”
“See, by the time you finish shaking the sh.
out of a lawyer or a politician, there’s nothing left but an as..
and a briefcase.”
The man said to the dentist
A young caveman
14.
Ted was a young boy who used to spend all of his time playing sports and making music.
He never went on the computer because his parents forbid him from touching any computer because they knew all the bad stuff you could find on the internet.
Nevertheless, Ted was happy and went on without computers until he got to high school.
All his friends were playing video games and having fun and he started to feel a bit left out, so when he got home one day from school, he begged his mother to get him a computer.
“Please mother, please, all my friends are playing computer games!”
He would cry, but his mother continued to deny him.
1 week later the issue rose again in his friends group at school and everyone was confused why Ted couldn’t play video games with him.
After repetitive failure from his mother, he asked his dad.
“Please father, please, all my friends are playing it!” But his father denied him as well.
Ted was really angry and all he wanted to do was play online with his friends every once in a while.
He thought he’d take matters into his own hands and he stole his fathers computer and hid it in his room.
That night he played with his friends for hours and hours until morning, then he secretly stayed home and played all day.
His dad didn’t notice until that afternoon, when he walked into his office and his computer was missing, so he asked his son Ted if he touched it.
Ted owned up and gave the computer back, but had a tantrum afterwards.
“WHY DON’T I GET TO PLAY WITH MY FRIENDS” he yelled in tears.
Feeling pity, his dad finally bought him a laptop.
Ted was on it 10 hours a day and refused when his parents told him to get off.
After 2 months nothing had changed and his parents started to get worried about his well being.
They approached him to talk about it. Ted agreed, but only if he could play video games whilst they talked.
“So Ted” his mother said, “we’ve been worrying about you lately” “uh-hu” Ted said.
“Seriously son!” His father yelled, “this needs to stop!” “Mhm yep” Ted replied.
“Are you listening to us Ted?” His mother said, but Ted didn’t even reply.
“You know what son?” His father yelled, “you are a tool Ted.”
Three guys are sitting around the campfire
I was playing a big game of hide and seek
Ted was a young boy who used to spend all of his time playing sports and making music.
He never went on the computer because his parents forbid him from touching any computer because they knew all the bad stuff you could find on the internet.
Nevertheless, Ted was happy and went on without computers until he got to high school.
All his friends were playing video games and having fun and he started to feel a bit left out, so when he got home one day from school, he begged his mother to get him a computer.
“Please mother, please, all my friends are playing computer games!”
He would cry, but his mother continued to deny him.
1 week later the issue rose again in his friends group at school and everyone was confused why Ted couldn’t play video games with him.
After repetitive failure from his mother, he asked his dad.
“Please father, please, all my friends are playing it!” But his father denied him as well.
Ted was really angry and all he wanted to do was play online with his friends every once in a while.
He thought he’d take matters into his own hands and he stole his fathers computer and hid it in his room.
That night he played with his friends for hours and hours until morning, then he secretly stayed home and played all day.
His dad didn’t notice until that afternoon, when he walked into his office and his computer was missing, so he asked his son Ted if he touched it.
Ted owned up and gave the computer back, but had a tantrum afterwards.
“WHY DON’T I GET TO PLAY WITH MY FRIENDS” he yelled in tears.
Feeling pity, his dad finally bought him a laptop.
Ted was on it 10 hours a day and refused when his parents told him to get off.
After 2 months nothing had changed and his parents started to get worried about his well being.
They approached him to talk about it. Ted agreed, but only if he could play video games whilst they talked.
“So Ted” his mother said, “we’ve been worrying about you lately” “uh-hu” Ted said.
“Seriously son!” His father yelled, “this needs to stop!” “Mhm yep” Ted replied.
“Are you listening to us Ted?” His mother said, but Ted didn’t even reply.
“You know what son?” His father yelled, “you are a tool Ted.”
Three guys are sitting around the campfire
I was playing a big game of hide and seek
15.
A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of shoes she likes and must have…
The husband says, “No bang chance love,
They’re too expensive!”
Later on that night in bed,
The wife is just falling off to sleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hands on her hips….
She turns to him and says, “No bang chance love,
If you aunt prepared to shoe the horse then you aunt bang riding it!!”
A mother took 6-year-old son
Charlie was visiting an old friend
A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of shoes she likes and must have…
The husband says, “No bang chance love,
They’re too expensive!”
Later on that night in bed,
The wife is just falling off to sleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hands on her hips….
She turns to him and says, “No bang chance love,
If you aunt prepared to shoe the horse then you aunt bang riding it!!”
A mother took 6-year-old son
Charlie was visiting an old friend
16.
A young mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”
The mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”
She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”
A wife come home from a shopping
A couple was invited to a swanky masked
A young mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”
The mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”
She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”
A wife come home from a shopping
A couple was invited to a swanky masked
17.
So it was Jim first time leaving Europe, he was excited about visiting America and expanding his horizons.
Excuse me, said a woman to him at the airport.
Do you happen to be traveling to America?
As a matter of fact I am responded Jim.
Do me a favor, my husband left to America 2 months ago and I haven seen or heard from him since.
If you meet a fellow named John Dun, tell him to call his wife.
Jim happily complied and was on his way.
He was barely in America for a hour when he saw a big building with the words Dun Watches, Wow! thought Jim that was easy.
Jim walked into the building and asked the lady behind the desk do you have a John here? Second door on the left, was her reply.
Jim saw a man walking out of the door drying his hands are you Dun? he asked.
Yes came the mystified reply.
Call your wife, said Jim, she been waiting to hear from you.
A lady went to a psychiatrist
A man was married to a woman
So it was Jim first time leaving Europe, he was excited about visiting America and expanding his horizons.
Excuse me, said a woman to him at the airport.
Do you happen to be traveling to America?
As a matter of fact I am responded Jim.
Do me a favor, my husband left to America 2 months ago and I haven seen or heard from him since.
If you meet a fellow named John Dun, tell him to call his wife.
Jim happily complied and was on his way.
He was barely in America for a hour when he saw a big building with the words Dun Watches, Wow! thought Jim that was easy.
Jim walked into the building and asked the lady behind the desk do you have a John here? Second door on the left, was her reply.
Jim saw a man walking out of the door drying his hands are you Dun? he asked.
Yes came the mystified reply.
Call your wife, said Jim, she been waiting to hear from you.
A lady went to a psychiatrist
A man was married to a woman
18.
Shortly after British Airways 293 flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heath row to Toronto.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.
So sit back, relax and OH, MY GOD!
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you.
While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!’
One passenger yelled, ‘For God’s sake, you should see the back of mine!’
A elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico
Shortly after British Airways 293 flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heath row to Toronto.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.
So sit back, relax and OH, MY GOD!
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you.
While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!’
One passenger yelled, ‘For God’s sake, you should see the back of mine!’
A elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico
19.
Three married men are sitting in a pool club and arguing over who has the worst marriage.
One of the men says, “I have it the worst.
My prudish wife won’t sleep with me more than once a month!.
She refuses!” The other men shake their heads.
One of them asks, “what did you do about it?”
The man says “I slept with that horny blonde over there by the pool table.
Unlike my wife, she’ll do anything.” The men laugh.
The second man says, “You think that’s bad?
My uptight wife won’t even sleep with me once a year!”
The other men shake their heads and one of them asks, “so, what did you do about it?”
The man says “I got my rocks off with that same slutty blonde over there by the pool table.
She’ll literally do any guy.”
The men laugh, then the third man says,
“That too bad for you guys, but honestly,
I definitely have it the worst.”
The men say, “what’s the problem with your wife?”
The man says, “Well for one, she’s always down here playing pool.
A woman was having an affair
Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather
Three married men are sitting in a pool club and arguing over who has the worst marriage.
One of the men says, “I have it the worst.
My prudish wife won’t sleep with me more than once a month!.
She refuses!” The other men shake their heads.
One of them asks, “what did you do about it?”
The man says “I slept with that horny blonde over there by the pool table.
Unlike my wife, she’ll do anything.” The men laugh.
The second man says, “You think that’s bad?
My uptight wife won’t even sleep with me once a year!”
The other men shake their heads and one of them asks, “so, what did you do about it?”
The man says “I got my rocks off with that same slutty blonde over there by the pool table.
She’ll literally do any guy.”
The men laugh, then the third man says,
“That too bad for you guys, but honestly,
I definitely have it the worst.”
The men say, “what’s the problem with your wife?”
The man says, “Well for one, she’s always down here playing pool.
A woman was having an affair
Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather
20.
Mike was driving home from a long business trip in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car resuming the journey, Mike tried – in vain – to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man.
The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mike.
“What in bag?” asked the old man.
Mike looked down at the brown bag and said:
“Oh, it’s a bottle of wine I got it for my wife.”
The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.
Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: “Good trade!”
The old lady handed her bank card
A airline ticket counter
Mike was driving home from a long business trip in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car resuming the journey, Mike tried – in vain – to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man.
The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mike.
“What in bag?” asked the old man.
Mike looked down at the brown bag and said:
“Oh, it’s a bottle of wine I got it for my wife.”
The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.
Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: “Good trade!”
The old lady handed her bank card
A airline ticket counter
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21.
A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat.
They make love, but the girl wants to make love again so the guy complies.
She wants more and they do it once again.
She still wants more and the guy says “Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself.”
While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat.
He asks the man “Look, I’ve got this gal in my car and I’ve made love to her four or five times and she still wants more.
I’ll change your flat if you’ll take over for me.”
So that’s what the man does and he is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.
The cop asks, “What are you doing in there?”
The guy says, “I’m making love to my wife.”
The cop asks, “Why don’t you do that at home?”
The guy answers, “To tell you the truth, I didn’t know it was my wife until you shined the light on her.
I have become a victim
Wife discussing christmas presents with her maid
A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat.
They make love, but the girl wants to make love again so the guy complies.
She wants more and they do it once again.
She still wants more and the guy says “Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself.”
While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat.
He asks the man “Look, I’ve got this gal in my car and I’ve made love to her four or five times and she still wants more.
I’ll change your flat if you’ll take over for me.”
So that’s what the man does and he is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.
The cop asks, “What are you doing in there?”
The guy says, “I’m making love to my wife.”
The cop asks, “Why don’t you do that at home?”
The guy answers, “To tell you the truth, I didn’t know it was my wife until you shined the light on her.
I have become a victim
Wife discussing christmas presents with her maid
22.
A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, “At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about make love.”
The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his make love life.
When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, “Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting,” his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.
The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, “I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?”
His mate said smiling, ‘Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!.”
The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, “Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick.”
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to football game
A rabbit hops into a pub
A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, “At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about make love.”
The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his make love life.
When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, “Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting,” his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.
The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, “I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?”
His mate said smiling, ‘Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!.”
The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, “Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick.”
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to football game
A rabbit hops into a pub
23.
“You’re going to jail for all that marijuana in your pocket!” the policeman stated.
“But officer, this weed isn’t mine It keeps appearing in my pocket every time I flush it down the toilet.”
The man replied,
“Oh, really? This I gotta see If you can prove it, you’re free to go!” the policeman challenged.
The man takes all the marijuana out of his pocket and puts it in the toilet.
He then pulls the handle and watches it go down the drain.
Several minutes go by and nothing happens.
“Well, why hasn’t the weed appeared back in your pocket?” the policeman asked.
“What weed?”
A lawyer trying to get tickets
A man and waiter
“You’re going to jail for all that marijuana in your pocket!” the policeman stated.
“But officer, this weed isn’t mine It keeps appearing in my pocket every time I flush it down the toilet.”
The man replied,
“Oh, really? This I gotta see If you can prove it, you’re free to go!” the policeman challenged.
The man takes all the marijuana out of his pocket and puts it in the toilet.
He then pulls the handle and watches it go down the drain.
Several minutes go by and nothing happens.
“Well, why hasn’t the weed appeared back in your pocket?” the policeman asked.
“What weed?”
A lawyer trying to get tickets
A man and waiter
24.
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open.
Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.
“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”
The doctor came out and said
Two women were playing golf
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open.
Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.
“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”
The doctor came out and said
Two women were playing golf
25.
A young Mouse in search of adventure was running along the bank of a pond where lived a Frog.
When the Frog saw the Mouse, he swam to the bank and croaked.
“Won’t you pay me a visit? I can promise you a good time if you do.”
The Mouse did not need much coaxing, for he was very anxious to see the world and everything in it.
But though he could swim a little, he did not dare risk going into the pond without some help.
The Frog had a plan he tied the Mouse’s leg to his own with a tough reed.
Then into the pond he jumped, dragging his foolish companion with him.
The Mouse soon had enough of it and wanted to return to shore; but the treacherous Frog had other plans.
He pulled the Mouse down under the water and drowned him.
But before he could untie the reed that bound him to the dead Mouse, a Hawk came sailing over the pond.
Seeing the body of the Mouse floating on the water, the Hawk swooped down, seized the Mouse and carried it off, with the Frog dangling from its leg.
Thus at one swoop he had caught both meat and fish for his dinner.
She walked to the station to borrow
The Lamaze class was in full swing
A young Mouse in search of adventure was running along the bank of a pond where lived a Frog.
When the Frog saw the Mouse, he swam to the bank and croaked.
“Won’t you pay me a visit? I can promise you a good time if you do.”
The Mouse did not need much coaxing, for he was very anxious to see the world and everything in it.
But though he could swim a little, he did not dare risk going into the pond without some help.
The Frog had a plan he tied the Mouse’s leg to his own with a tough reed.
Then into the pond he jumped, dragging his foolish companion with him.
The Mouse soon had enough of it and wanted to return to shore; but the treacherous Frog had other plans.
He pulled the Mouse down under the water and drowned him.
But before he could untie the reed that bound him to the dead Mouse, a Hawk came sailing over the pond.
Seeing the body of the Mouse floating on the water, the Hawk swooped down, seized the Mouse and carried it off, with the Frog dangling from its leg.
Thus at one swoop he had caught both meat and fish for his dinner.
She walked to the station to borrow
The Lamaze class was in full swing
26.
The math teacher was giving a lesson on fractions and wrote an example on the chalkboard.
He explained that the numerator was the top and the denominator was the bottom.
Leaning against the board, he asked the class, “Are there any questions?”
When he turned back to face the board, laughter filled the room.
“Mr. Alexander,” one student giggled, “you have chalk dust all over your denominator!”
A man goes into a coffee shop
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital
The math teacher was giving a lesson on fractions and wrote an example on the chalkboard.
He explained that the numerator was the top and the denominator was the bottom.
Leaning against the board, he asked the class, “Are there any questions?”
When he turned back to face the board, laughter filled the room.
“Mr. Alexander,” one student giggled, “you have chalk dust all over your denominator!”
A man goes into a coffee shop
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital
27.
A US Sailor is in a Mexican harbor town
He’s a bit concerned about what time it is so he isn’t late to get back on board.
He sees a Mexican with a Donkey taking a siesta against the wall.
He asks the guy if he knows what the time is.
The Mexican then takes the donkey by the balls, lifts them a little and says ‘Si – is two-thirty signor’
The sailor is amazed – ‘Aw man that’s amazing! You have to show me how to do that!’
Mexican replies ‘Is simple signor – you lift the donkey by the balls and then you see that church clock over there…..’
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish
Two drunks were lost in the middle of the ocean
A US Sailor is in a Mexican harbor town
He’s a bit concerned about what time it is so he isn’t late to get back on board.
He sees a Mexican with a Donkey taking a siesta against the wall.
He asks the guy if he knows what the time is.
The Mexican then takes the donkey by the balls, lifts them a little and says ‘Si – is two-thirty signor’
The sailor is amazed – ‘Aw man that’s amazing! You have to show me how to do that!’
Mexican replies ‘Is simple signor – you lift the donkey by the balls and then you see that church clock over there…..’
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish
Two drunks were lost in the middle of the ocean
28.
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary lesson by asking the students to use a word in a sentence.
“Okay, class,” she announced, “who can use the word ‘fascinate’ properly in a sentence?”
Mary shot her hand up and, before Mrs. Jennings could call on her, she said “I went to Alaska over spring break and it was fascinating!”
Mrs. Jennings replied, “that’s good Mary, but I asked for the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.’”
Billy threw his hand up next: “My Dad want to see the museum and was fascinated by the paintings!”
Mrs. Jennings again corrected her student: “That’s also good, but remember the word is ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinated.’”
Finally, Carol waved her hand wildly from the back row: “My aunt just bought a new shirt with ten buttons.
She tried to put it on, but her boobs are too big, so she could only fasten eight.”
Thai woman marries American man
Three guys were walking through
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary lesson by asking the students to use a word in a sentence.
“Okay, class,” she announced, “who can use the word ‘fascinate’ properly in a sentence?”
Mary shot her hand up and, before Mrs. Jennings could call on her, she said “I went to Alaska over spring break and it was fascinating!”
Mrs. Jennings replied, “that’s good Mary, but I asked for the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.’”
Billy threw his hand up next: “My Dad want to see the museum and was fascinated by the paintings!”
Mrs. Jennings again corrected her student: “That’s also good, but remember the word is ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinated.’”
Finally, Carol waved her hand wildly from the back row: “My aunt just bought a new shirt with ten buttons.
She tried to put it on, but her boobs are too big, so she could only fasten eight.”
Thai woman marries American man
Three guys were walking through
29.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its h*le.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that h*le.”
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little h*le.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the h*le.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”
The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”
A couple walked into cheap restaurant
A young boy caught sight of his mother
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its h*le.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that h*le.”
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little h*le.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the h*le.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”
The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”
A couple walked into cheap restaurant
A young boy caught sight of his mother
30.
Two men were talking about a friend.
Who had recently passed away.
“By the time Jack died, he had a transplanted heart, a plastic hip joint, a plastic leg and a plastic arm.”
“Where did they bury him?'”
“They didn’t bury him — he was recycled!”
Johnny Big Head
Dead Donkey
Two men were talking about a friend.
Who had recently passed away.
“By the time Jack died, he had a transplanted heart, a plastic hip joint, a plastic leg and a plastic arm.”
“Where did they bury him?'”
“They didn’t bury him — he was recycled!”
Johnny Big Head
Dead Donkey
Tags:
Eng Jokes