1.
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
“Twenty bucks,” she says.
He’s never been with a call girl before, but he decides what the hell.
They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it’s a police officer.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “neither did I until you shined that light in her face.”
So my mom decided to sell her house
Three Engineers are Discussing God
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
“Twenty bucks,” she says.
He’s never been with a call girl before, but he decides what the hell.
They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it’s a police officer.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “neither did I until you shined that light in her face.”
So my mom decided to sell her house
Three Engineers are Discussing God
2.
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”
A mother was working in the kitchen
A woman is in bed with her lover
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”
A mother was working in the kitchen
A woman is in bed with her lover
3.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed
John was the cop in a small town
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed
John was the cop in a small town
4.
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in lovemaking.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental.
He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says,
“Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said!
It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!”
The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong!
The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”
“Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”
Bob was in trouble
A old man was sitting at a bar
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in lovemaking.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental.
He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says,
“Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said!
It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!”
The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong!
The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”
“Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”
Bob was in trouble
A old man was sitting at a bar
5.
A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday and three of her students decided to bring her a gift.
The first students was little Timmy and his dad owned a Candy Store.
Timmy walked up to his teacher and handed her a nice little gift wrapped box
The teacher thanked the student and told him, she wanted to see if she could guess what was in the box.
The little boy excitedly agreed and after about twenty seconds the teacher said, “Is it candy!?”
The little boy surprisingly and a little disappointed walked back to his desk.
The second student was Taylor and her dad owned a kitchen appliance store
She walked up to her teacher with a fancily wrapped box about the size of a Football.
The teacher took the box and asked if she could try to guess what was in the box.
Taylor excitedly agreed and handed the package over to her teacher.
The teacher stood there thinking for about forty five seconds then said, “Is it a Toaster!?”
The little girl was surprised and asked the teacher how she knew
The teacher smiled wide, thanked the student, and Taylor returned to her desk.
The third student was Sarah and her dad owned a winery
She walked up to the teacher with a box that was a little bigger than the teacher was expecting.
The teacher smiled and asked if she could guess what was in the box
Sarah happily agreed, and handed over the box to her teacher.
At this point, the entire classroom wanted to know if the teacher was going to get it right
The teacher started thinking, – the box felt a little lopsided, but she figured the gift just hadn’t been packaged well.
After about a minute the teacher noticed little yellow drops coming from the side of the box.
The teacher excitedly said, “Is it wine!?” and proceeded to taste some of the dripping liquid.
The student smiled, and said, “No It’s a puppy!”
A singles bar where he spotted
A gorgeous redhead woman
A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday and three of her students decided to bring her a gift.
The first students was little Timmy and his dad owned a Candy Store.
Timmy walked up to his teacher and handed her a nice little gift wrapped box
The teacher thanked the student and told him, she wanted to see if she could guess what was in the box.
The little boy excitedly agreed and after about twenty seconds the teacher said, “Is it candy!?”
The little boy surprisingly and a little disappointed walked back to his desk.
The second student was Taylor and her dad owned a kitchen appliance store
She walked up to her teacher with a fancily wrapped box about the size of a Football.
The teacher took the box and asked if she could try to guess what was in the box.
Taylor excitedly agreed and handed the package over to her teacher.
The teacher stood there thinking for about forty five seconds then said, “Is it a Toaster!?”
The little girl was surprised and asked the teacher how she knew
The teacher smiled wide, thanked the student, and Taylor returned to her desk.
The third student was Sarah and her dad owned a winery
She walked up to the teacher with a box that was a little bigger than the teacher was expecting.
The teacher smiled and asked if she could guess what was in the box
Sarah happily agreed, and handed over the box to her teacher.
At this point, the entire classroom wanted to know if the teacher was going to get it right
The teacher started thinking, – the box felt a little lopsided, but she figured the gift just hadn’t been packaged well.
After about a minute the teacher noticed little yellow drops coming from the side of the box.
The teacher excitedly said, “Is it wine!?” and proceeded to taste some of the dripping liquid.
The student smiled, and said, “No It’s a puppy!”
A singles bar where he spotted
A gorgeous redhead woman
6.
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo whose horns were set wide apart.
Hodja often felt an urge to sit on the animal’s head between the horns, but never dared try it.
One day the animal came and sat down very near him.
Hodja threw caution to the winds and seizing the horns swung himself into the space between them.
“Now I feel like a king on his throne!” he said exultantly to his wife
The buffalo, startled by the sudden invasion of its privacy, got indignantly to its feet and jerked its head violently forward.
Hodja went sailing into the air and fell head foremost into a ditch.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said to his wife who came running to help him.
“It’s not the first time a king has lost his throne.”
Thomas is 32 years old
A blonde and a lawyer
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo whose horns were set wide apart.
Hodja often felt an urge to sit on the animal’s head between the horns, but never dared try it.
One day the animal came and sat down very near him.
Hodja threw caution to the winds and seizing the horns swung himself into the space between them.
“Now I feel like a king on his throne!” he said exultantly to his wife
The buffalo, startled by the sudden invasion of its privacy, got indignantly to its feet and jerked its head violently forward.
Hodja went sailing into the air and fell head foremost into a ditch.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said to his wife who came running to help him.
“It’s not the first time a king has lost his throne.”
Thomas is 32 years old
A blonde and a lawyer
7.
One day, a little old lady went to see the doctor.
The kindly medical professional asked her, “What seems to be the problem, dear?”
She said, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.”
“My farts never smell, and are always silent.”
“As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor said, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week, the little old lady returned for her follow-up appointment.
“Doctor,” she said, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly…”
The doctor said: “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
A rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet
One day, a little old lady went to see the doctor.
The kindly medical professional asked her, “What seems to be the problem, dear?”
She said, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.”
“My farts never smell, and are always silent.”
“As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor said, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week, the little old lady returned for her follow-up appointment.
“Doctor,” she said, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly…”
The doctor said: “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
A rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet
8.
Nasruddin Hodja had a buffalo whose horns were set wide apart.
Hodja often felt an urge to sit on the animal’s head between the horns, but never dared try it.
One day the animal came and sat down very near him.
Hodja threw caution to the winds and seizing the horns swung himself into the space between them.
“Now I feel like a king on his throne!” he said exultantly to his wife.
The buffalo, startled by the sudden invasion of its privacy, got indignantly to its feet and jerked its head violently forward.
Hodja went sailing into the air and fell head foremost into a ditch.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said to his wife who came running to help him.
“It’s not the first time a king has lost his throne.”
The father shark said to the son shark
The guard stops him and says
Nasruddin Hodja had a buffalo whose horns were set wide apart.
Hodja often felt an urge to sit on the animal’s head between the horns, but never dared try it.
One day the animal came and sat down very near him.
Hodja threw caution to the winds and seizing the horns swung himself into the space between them.
“Now I feel like a king on his throne!” he said exultantly to his wife.
The buffalo, startled by the sudden invasion of its privacy, got indignantly to its feet and jerked its head violently forward.
Hodja went sailing into the air and fell head foremost into a ditch.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said to his wife who came running to help him.
“It’s not the first time a king has lost his throne.”
The father shark said to the son shark
The guard stops him and says
9.
A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”
The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church.
So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“
The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.
Husband crying uncontrollably
A poor family
A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”
The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church.
So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“
The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.
Husband crying uncontrollably
A poor family
10.
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in August,” his friend replied, “and left me $25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000.”
“Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” His friend continued.
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” concluded, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”
A man goes to a bar with his dog
The groom approaches the pastor
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in August,” his friend replied, “and left me $25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000.”
“Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” His friend continued.
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” concluded, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”
A man goes to a bar with his dog
The groom approaches the pastor
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11.
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife,
“Dear, there is something that I must ask you It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.”
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away.
But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed.
“Yes, Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks,
“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”
A elderly couple sitting down to lunch
A elderly couple was just settled down for bed
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife,
“Dear, there is something that I must ask you It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.”
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away.
But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed.
“Yes, Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks,
“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”
A elderly couple sitting down to lunch
A elderly couple was just settled down for bed
12.
When the expensive printer/ photocopier in an office began print black lines on every page.
The office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the unit probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged $100 for such cleaning, he said, the manager might try reading the manual and doing the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked,
“Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied.
“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”
The best positions for prayer
A direct line to heaven
When the expensive printer/ photocopier in an office began print black lines on every page.
The office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the unit probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged $100 for such cleaning, he said, the manager might try reading the manual and doing the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked,
“Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied.
“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”
The best positions for prayer
A direct line to heaven
13.
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner.
When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over.
There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa.
So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
“I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!”
“Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake home up now.”
“I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. ”
Certainly if I get on top of you and bang you, he’ll wake up won’t he?
“Sugar, he certainly won’t.
If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his bastard and see if that wakes him.”
Charlie did just that.
He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and bang her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.
It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again.
Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep.
This went on eight times during the night.
Each time Charlie scr*wed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s bastard hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you mating my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my bum for a scoreboard!”
A woman goes out shopping with her husband
A girl walks in class
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner.
When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over.
There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa.
So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
“I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!”
“Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake home up now.”
“I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. ”
Certainly if I get on top of you and bang you, he’ll wake up won’t he?
“Sugar, he certainly won’t.
If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his bastard and see if that wakes him.”
Charlie did just that.
He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and bang her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.
It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again.
Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep.
This went on eight times during the night.
Each time Charlie scr*wed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s bastard hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you mating my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my bum for a scoreboard!”
A woman goes out shopping with her husband
A girl walks in class
14.
The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper.
Money was tight and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.
Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, “This is for you, Daddy.“
He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty.
He yelled at her, “Don’t you know that when you give someone a present, there’s supposed to be something inside it?”
The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, “Oh, Daddy, it is not empty I blew kisses into the box all for you, Daddy.”
The father was crushed he put his arms around his little girl, and he begged for her forgiveness.
It is told that the man kept that gold box by his bed for years and whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.
In a very real sense, each of us as humans have been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, friends, family and God.
There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.
I have two female parrots
A elderly man in Louisiana
The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper.
Money was tight and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.
Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, “This is for you, Daddy.“
He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty.
He yelled at her, “Don’t you know that when you give someone a present, there’s supposed to be something inside it?”
The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, “Oh, Daddy, it is not empty I blew kisses into the box all for you, Daddy.”
The father was crushed he put his arms around his little girl, and he begged for her forgiveness.
It is told that the man kept that gold box by his bed for years and whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.
In a very real sense, each of us as humans have been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, friends, family and God.
There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.
I have two female parrots
A elderly man in Louisiana
15.
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs on it.
He hit a stone and fell down along with the cycle.
The eggs also fell down and broke.
A crowd gathered around the boy.
As usual, free advice started flowing from the onlookers.
“Couldn’t you be more careful?”
“What is this, you are cycling, casually without attention?”
An old man approached the crowd saw what had happened and said “Poor fellow this boy has to answer the Owner of the shop. Ok I will help him, as much as I can” saying this handed over Rs500/- to the boy.
And also said, “These onlookers are good people, they will not only give advice, but they will help you by giving money also, accept their help”.
The onlookers observing the sayings of the old man and his actions gave money to the boy.
The boy was very happy since the money collected was much more than the value of the eggs broken.
One of the onlookers asked the boy.
“Young man if that old man was not around, I do not know what difficulties you would have faced with your owner.”
The boy smiled and replied “Sir, that old man is the owner of the shop, where I work.”
A boy decides to learn the language of all animals
A farmer decides to tell his son
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs on it.
He hit a stone and fell down along with the cycle.
The eggs also fell down and broke.
A crowd gathered around the boy.
As usual, free advice started flowing from the onlookers.
“Couldn’t you be more careful?”
“What is this, you are cycling, casually without attention?”
An old man approached the crowd saw what had happened and said “Poor fellow this boy has to answer the Owner of the shop. Ok I will help him, as much as I can” saying this handed over Rs500/- to the boy.
And also said, “These onlookers are good people, they will not only give advice, but they will help you by giving money also, accept their help”.
The onlookers observing the sayings of the old man and his actions gave money to the boy.
The boy was very happy since the money collected was much more than the value of the eggs broken.
One of the onlookers asked the boy.
“Young man if that old man was not around, I do not know what difficulties you would have faced with your owner.”
The boy smiled and replied “Sir, that old man is the owner of the shop, where I work.”
A boy decides to learn the language of all animals
A farmer decides to tell his son
16.
A blonde was driving down the road and she looks up and she sees a tree so she swerves to the left.
The tree is still front of her so she swerves to the right, this time her car rolls into the ditch.
When the Police Officer came to the scene of the accident the blonde told the Police Officer about the tree that was in front of her.
The officer kindly explained that the tree was the green air freshener hanging off her rear view mirror.
A man hasn’t been feeling well
A Father is asked by his friend
A blonde was driving down the road and she looks up and she sees a tree so she swerves to the left.
The tree is still front of her so she swerves to the right, this time her car rolls into the ditch.
When the Police Officer came to the scene of the accident the blonde told the Police Officer about the tree that was in front of her.
The officer kindly explained that the tree was the green air freshener hanging off her rear view mirror.
A man hasn’t been feeling well
A Father is asked by his friend
17.
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.
He says to the other patrons, “Here’s the deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and insert my genitals.
The gator will close his mouth for one full minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed .
If it works everyone buys me drinks.”
All of the other patrons clap and cheer. It’s a deal.
So the guy opens the gator’s mouth. The gator closes its mouth.
After a minute, the guy grabs a bottle and smashes it to the gator’s head, he opens the mouth and removes his genitals unharmed.
Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says: “I’ll pay $100 to anyone else who’s willing to give it a try.”
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the room. It’s a woman.
“I’ll try.” She says. “But you have to promise not to hit me with the beer bottle after the minute is up.”
Two 90 year old men
3 sailors get stranded on an island
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.
He says to the other patrons, “Here’s the deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and insert my genitals.
The gator will close his mouth for one full minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed .
If it works everyone buys me drinks.”
All of the other patrons clap and cheer. It’s a deal.
So the guy opens the gator’s mouth. The gator closes its mouth.
After a minute, the guy grabs a bottle and smashes it to the gator’s head, he opens the mouth and removes his genitals unharmed.
Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says: “I’ll pay $100 to anyone else who’s willing to give it a try.”
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the room. It’s a woman.
“I’ll try.” She says. “But you have to promise not to hit me with the beer bottle after the minute is up.”
Two 90 year old men
3 sailors get stranded on an island
18.
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board from the nearby fence, and knocks the dog out.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
“Young 49ers Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Niners fan,” the little hero replied.
“Sorry, since we are in San Francisco I just assumed you were, ” said the reporter, who proceeds to write, “Little Oakland Raiders Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack.”
“I’m not a Raiders fan, either,” the boy said.
“I assumed everyone in the Bay Area was either for the Niners or Raiders.
What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.
“I’m a Dallas Cowboys fan,” the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Punk Kills Beloved Family Pet.”
Two brothers who lived on adjoining farms
A truck driver is driving through
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board from the nearby fence, and knocks the dog out.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
“Young 49ers Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Niners fan,” the little hero replied.
“Sorry, since we are in San Francisco I just assumed you were, ” said the reporter, who proceeds to write, “Little Oakland Raiders Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack.”
“I’m not a Raiders fan, either,” the boy said.
“I assumed everyone in the Bay Area was either for the Niners or Raiders.
What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.
“I’m a Dallas Cowboys fan,” the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Punk Kills Beloved Family Pet.”
Two brothers who lived on adjoining farms
A truck driver is driving through
19.
The alcoholic came to the yoga school.
Hi, I am an alcoholic.
I’ve read in the magazine that yoga helps alcoholics to change their lives. I think I am ready. Can you please give me a few lessons.
Of course, welcome to the family!
So how are you? Have your drinking habits changed?
Yes, that’s really a game changer! All my family and friends are impressed! Now I can drink shots standing on my head in the bar!
A deaf man enters a pharmacy
A young man came to an old man
The alcoholic came to the yoga school.
Hi, I am an alcoholic.
I’ve read in the magazine that yoga helps alcoholics to change their lives. I think I am ready. Can you please give me a few lessons.
Of course, welcome to the family!
So how are you? Have your drinking habits changed?
Yes, that’s really a game changer! All my family and friends are impressed! Now I can drink shots standing on my head in the bar!
A deaf man enters a pharmacy
A young man came to an old man
20.
“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits.
“Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it.”
“You’ll have to ask her.”
“Great Granny”, asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile grandmother in the nursing home.
“Why do you, Granny and Mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh for frick sake”, yells Great Granny.
“Are they still using that small goddamn frying pan??!!”
A man and his wife arrive from trip
A elderly husband and wife noticed
“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits.
“Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it.”
“You’ll have to ask her.”
“Great Granny”, asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile grandmother in the nursing home.
“Why do you, Granny and Mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh for frick sake”, yells Great Granny.
“Are they still using that small goddamn frying pan??!!”
A man and his wife arrive from trip
A elderly husband and wife noticed
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21.
There are two siblings.
A little brother and a big brother.
Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have s***.
So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night, and take her home.
So they get to the bigger brothers house, and walk in his room.
Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk bed.
When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have making love.
The big brother says, “whenever you feel good, say lettuce, and whenever you want to switch positions say tomato.”
The girl constantly is saying “lettuce, tomato” and then the little brother wakes up.
He quietly remarks, ” can you guys stop making sandwiches, you’re getting mayonnaise all over me.
Teacher asks what is love
Johnny catch’s parents having lovemaking
There are two siblings.
A little brother and a big brother.
Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have s***.
So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night, and take her home.
So they get to the bigger brothers house, and walk in his room.
Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk bed.
When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have making love.
The big brother says, “whenever you feel good, say lettuce, and whenever you want to switch positions say tomato.”
The girl constantly is saying “lettuce, tomato” and then the little brother wakes up.
He quietly remarks, ” can you guys stop making sandwiches, you’re getting mayonnaise all over me.
Teacher asks what is love
Johnny catch’s parents having lovemaking
22.
Four older women are sitting around playing Bridge.
The first lady says, “You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don’t worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long.”
The second Lady says, “Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I have never made a play for your husbands. They don’t interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long.”
“Well,” says the third lady, “I, too, must confess something. I am a queer. But do not worry, I will not bother you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship.”
The fourth lady stands up, says, “I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!
A man boarded an aeroplane
A old lady tried to phone
Four older women are sitting around playing Bridge.
The first lady says, “You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don’t worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long.”
The second Lady says, “Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I have never made a play for your husbands. They don’t interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long.”
“Well,” says the third lady, “I, too, must confess something. I am a queer. But do not worry, I will not bother you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship.”
The fourth lady stands up, says, “I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!
A man boarded an aeroplane
A old lady tried to phone
23.
The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighbourhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”
“Well, you did good, son!” the farmer beamed
“You left with seven!”
A Polish man had married a Canadian girl
A Irishman was terribly overweight
The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighbourhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”
“Well, you did good, son!” the farmer beamed
“You left with seven!”
A Polish man had married a Canadian girl
A Irishman was terribly overweight
24.
An old french man moves to America and begins looking for a job.
He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner.
The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.
“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”
And the old man says, in his thick accent,
“In France, we have a lot of trees. So tree plus tree plus tree equals nine.”
The owner, surprised, nonchalantly says
“Well, that was an easy one. Now I need you to express the number 99 with the same rules.”
The old man responds, “In France, we have a lot of trees and sometimes you see a lot of mud on the trees. So dirty tree, plus dirty tree, plus dirty tree, equals ninety-nine.”
The owner is impressed but worries that he’s actually going to have to hire the man.
“Okay, if you can answer this last question, you’re hired. Express the number 100 using the same rules.”
The old man replies “Well I have a doggy, and he no like dirty trees, so I take him for a walk and he goes to each of the trees and takes a tiny little sh!t right next to each one. Dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, equals a hundred. So when do I start?”
A man was riding on a full bus
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
An old french man moves to America and begins looking for a job.
He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner.
The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.
“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”
And the old man says, in his thick accent,
“In France, we have a lot of trees. So tree plus tree plus tree equals nine.”
The owner, surprised, nonchalantly says
“Well, that was an easy one. Now I need you to express the number 99 with the same rules.”
The old man responds, “In France, we have a lot of trees and sometimes you see a lot of mud on the trees. So dirty tree, plus dirty tree, plus dirty tree, equals ninety-nine.”
The owner is impressed but worries that he’s actually going to have to hire the man.
“Okay, if you can answer this last question, you’re hired. Express the number 100 using the same rules.”
The old man replies “Well I have a doggy, and he no like dirty trees, so I take him for a walk and he goes to each of the trees and takes a tiny little sh!t right next to each one. Dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, equals a hundred. So when do I start?”
A man was riding on a full bus
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
25.
A couple had just gotten married and where alone together on their first night.
This was to be the first time they had made love and it was while her new husband was getting undressed that she noticed a few things about him.
As her husband took off his trousers, the wife noticed that his knees were all mangled and scared.
She asked him what at happened and the husband explained “as a child I had kneasels”
“Kneesels?” she asked, “what on earth is that?”
He replied, “Kneaseles are like measeles except they only affect the knees”.
He continued to undress and as he pulled off his socks his wife looked at his toes and found that they two were all mangled and scared.
She asked about this and he replied, “oh as a child I had tolio”.
“Tolio?” she asked, “what on earth is that”
He explained, “Tolio is like polio except it only affects the toes”.
As he began to remove his boxer shorts she shouted, “Don’t tell me, let me guess small cox”.
A Blonde bought a brand new Car
A little boy first day in school
A couple had just gotten married and where alone together on their first night.
This was to be the first time they had made love and it was while her new husband was getting undressed that she noticed a few things about him.
As her husband took off his trousers, the wife noticed that his knees were all mangled and scared.
She asked him what at happened and the husband explained “as a child I had kneasels”
“Kneesels?” she asked, “what on earth is that?”
He replied, “Kneaseles are like measeles except they only affect the knees”.
He continued to undress and as he pulled off his socks his wife looked at his toes and found that they two were all mangled and scared.
She asked about this and he replied, “oh as a child I had tolio”.
“Tolio?” she asked, “what on earth is that”
He explained, “Tolio is like polio except it only affects the toes”.
As he began to remove his boxer shorts she shouted, “Don’t tell me, let me guess small cox”.
A Blonde bought a brand new Car
A little boy first day in school
26.
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet
‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days, then skip a day …… And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost 5 pounds.’
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
‘Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’
The Irishman nodded ‘I’ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.’
From the hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor.
‘No, from all the bloody skipping !!
The crate of chicken’s
A couple stays at the Watergate Hotel
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet
‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days, then skip a day …… And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost 5 pounds.’
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
‘Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’
The Irishman nodded ‘I’ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.’
From the hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor.
‘No, from all the bloody skipping !!
The crate of chicken’s
A couple stays at the Watergate Hotel
27.
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
A man went to the doctor complaining
The man approached the very beautiful woman
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
A man went to the doctor complaining
The man approached the very beautiful woman
28.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo
The Man Confesses To His Neighbor
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo
The Man Confesses To His Neighbor
29.
A man’s car stalled on a country road one morning.
When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.
“Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer.
The amazed man told the farmer his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh! I wouldn’t listen to Bessie,” said the farmer.
“She doesn’t know a thing about cars.”
A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert
A man spitting and cussing on a corner
A man’s car stalled on a country road one morning.
When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.
“Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer.
The amazed man told the farmer his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh! I wouldn’t listen to Bessie,” said the farmer.
“She doesn’t know a thing about cars.”
A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert
A man spitting and cussing on a corner
30.
A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch.
Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.
His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks.
When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, “What’d you do that fer?””
“That’s fer fifty years of bad make love,” she said.
He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again.
Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane.
He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.
As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, “What was that fer?”
That, said her husband as he began to rock again, “is fer knowing’ the difference!”
A woman woke in the middle of the night
A husband and a wife sit at the table
A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch.
Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.
His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks.
When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, “What’d you do that fer?””
“That’s fer fifty years of bad make love,” she said.
He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again.
Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane.
He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.
As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, “What was that fer?”
That, said her husband as he began to rock again, “is fer knowing’ the difference!”
A woman woke in the middle of the night
A husband and a wife sit at the table
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