1.
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven.
St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
“Come with me”, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion.
It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
“Wow, thank you.”, said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up.”, said the priest.
“Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.”
“Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!”
Saturday morning I got up early
One common question was asked to all
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven.
St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
“Come with me”, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion.
It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
“Wow, thank you.”, said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up.”, said the priest.
“Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.”
“Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!”
Saturday morning I got up early
One common question was asked to all
2.
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”
Sarah waves her hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!”
Miss Rogers says, “All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?”
Sarah says, “Mas-tur-bate.”
Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, Sarah, that’s a mouthful.”
Sarah says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a good job.”
A kid walks into a class
A man strolls into a pharmacy
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”
Sarah waves her hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!”
Miss Rogers says, “All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?”
Sarah says, “Mas-tur-bate.”
Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, Sarah, that’s a mouthful.”
Sarah says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a good job.”
A kid walks into a class
A man strolls into a pharmacy
3.
When I was interned in Dr
Eiras Hospital, I began to have panic crises.
One day, I decided to consult the psychiatrist in charge of my case;
“Doctor, I am overcome by fear; it takes from me the joy of living.”
“Here in my office there is a mouse that eats my books”, said the doctor.
“If I get desperate about this mouse, he will hide from me and I will do nothing else in life but hunt him.
Therefore, I put the most important books in a safe place and let him gnaw some others.
In this way, he is still a mouse and does not become a monster.
“Be afraid of some things and concentrate all your fear on them – so that you have courage in the rest.”
A State Trooper sees a car puttering
The Infuriated Atheist Neighbor
When I was interned in Dr
Eiras Hospital, I began to have panic crises.
One day, I decided to consult the psychiatrist in charge of my case;
“Doctor, I am overcome by fear; it takes from me the joy of living.”
“Here in my office there is a mouse that eats my books”, said the doctor.
“If I get desperate about this mouse, he will hide from me and I will do nothing else in life but hunt him.
Therefore, I put the most important books in a safe place and let him gnaw some others.
In this way, he is still a mouse and does not become a monster.
“Be afraid of some things and concentrate all your fear on them – so that you have courage in the rest.”
A State Trooper sees a car puttering
The Infuriated Atheist Neighbor
4.
A man applies for a job with the FBI.
The interviewer says: “Everything looks good, we just have one test to prove that you’ll take on any task we ask of you.”
He hands the man a semi-automatic handgun.
“Through that door, your wife is tied to a chair.
I need you to go in there and shoot her in the back of the head.”
Reluctantly, the man goes in and closes the door. A few moments later, he comes back.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t do it.” he says and they let him and his wife leave.
A woman applies for the same job and is told the same thing.
Her husband is tied to a chair in the next room.
She gets up and walks through the door.
The interviewer hears several gunshots and the some heavy grunting from the woman. She comes out of the room, covered in blood.
“This gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat him to death with it!”
After intense partying with their friends
A young recruit goes to the military office
A man applies for a job with the FBI.
The interviewer says: “Everything looks good, we just have one test to prove that you’ll take on any task we ask of you.”
He hands the man a semi-automatic handgun.
“Through that door, your wife is tied to a chair.
I need you to go in there and shoot her in the back of the head.”
Reluctantly, the man goes in and closes the door. A few moments later, he comes back.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t do it.” he says and they let him and his wife leave.
A woman applies for the same job and is told the same thing.
Her husband is tied to a chair in the next room.
She gets up and walks through the door.
The interviewer hears several gunshots and the some heavy grunting from the woman. She comes out of the room, covered in blood.
“This gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat him to death with it!”
After intense partying with their friends
A young recruit goes to the military office
5.
One evening, a family sat down for dinner.
The mother served fish and cauliflower.
They were all eating, until the boy, chewing on his fish, found a bone.
He pulled it out of his mouth and asked, “Mom, what do I do with this?”
“Put it where you’re sure you won’t eat it,” said his mother.
So the boy carefully stuck it into his cauliflower.
A son challenged his father game of golf
A gentleman enters a restaurant
One evening, a family sat down for dinner.
The mother served fish and cauliflower.
They were all eating, until the boy, chewing on his fish, found a bone.
He pulled it out of his mouth and asked, “Mom, what do I do with this?”
“Put it where you’re sure you won’t eat it,” said his mother.
So the boy carefully stuck it into his cauliflower.
A son challenged his father game of golf
A gentleman enters a restaurant
6.
3 guys crash land on an island and get captured by cannibals
Once they they are brought to the chieftain he tells them what they have to do if they want to live.
“Go in the woods, gather 10 fruits of the same kind. You have as long as you want to do so.
Once you’re back there will be another task”
The guys then leave to get the fruit.
The first one comes back with 10 apples.
The chieftain then tells him: “Now you have to shove all of those apples in your a***s, without making any sound”.
The guy reluctantly starts putting apples in his b*m, but by the 3rd one is in great pains and starts crying.
The cannibals then take him and tie him to a tree.
The second one arrives with 10 blueberries.
He is also told to put the fruit.
He manages to put 9 and as he was about to put in the last he starts laughing and gets tied to a tree next to his friend.
The first guy asks him “Why did you fail? You only had to endure one more.”
The second guy replies”Well putting the fruit in wasn’t that bad, but i saw the other guy come back with 10 pineapples”
There was once a mysterious man
A Man Was Driving Down the Road
3 guys crash land on an island and get captured by cannibals
Once they they are brought to the chieftain he tells them what they have to do if they want to live.
“Go in the woods, gather 10 fruits of the same kind. You have as long as you want to do so.
Once you’re back there will be another task”
The guys then leave to get the fruit.
The first one comes back with 10 apples.
The chieftain then tells him: “Now you have to shove all of those apples in your a***s, without making any sound”.
The guy reluctantly starts putting apples in his b*m, but by the 3rd one is in great pains and starts crying.
The cannibals then take him and tie him to a tree.
The second one arrives with 10 blueberries.
He is also told to put the fruit.
He manages to put 9 and as he was about to put in the last he starts laughing and gets tied to a tree next to his friend.
The first guy asks him “Why did you fail? You only had to endure one more.”
The second guy replies”Well putting the fruit in wasn’t that bad, but i saw the other guy come back with 10 pineapples”
There was once a mysterious man
A Man Was Driving Down the Road
7.
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist,
“May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?” She is shocked.
“Why would you want something like that?”
The man calmly tells her, I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover.
The pharmacist is now horrified.
She said, “I can not possibly give you that.
It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!”
At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having bed time with the pharmacist’s husband.
She examines it then looks up at him.
“Oh. I didn’t know you had a prescription.”
Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather
A guy meet his friends for drink
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist,
“May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?” She is shocked.
“Why would you want something like that?”
The man calmly tells her, I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover.
The pharmacist is now horrified.
She said, “I can not possibly give you that.
It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!”
At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having bed time with the pharmacist’s husband.
She examines it then looks up at him.
“Oh. I didn’t know you had a prescription.”
Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather
A guy meet his friends for drink
8.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her b**ttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret after all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?”
My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
A husband and wife have four sons
She never took an interest in religious studies
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her b**ttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret after all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?”
My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
A husband and wife have four sons
She never took an interest in religious studies
9.
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.
They searched for days and couldn’t find him.
So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship.
It read: “Ma’am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000….please advise.”
The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”
A man went to his dentist
Two guys were in a bar
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.
They searched for days and couldn’t find him.
So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship.
It read: “Ma’am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000….please advise.”
The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”
A man went to his dentist
Two guys were in a bar
10.
Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.
Dolly said, “Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside. I never hear from them neither receive a thank you message !”
Ruby replies. “I too send them a very generous cheque. I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit.”
“Wow !, How come?” remarked Dolly.
“Very simple solution, I don’t sign the cheque.”
A policeman goes home after a long
The judge asked the lady
Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.
Dolly said, “Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside. I never hear from them neither receive a thank you message !”
Ruby replies. “I too send them a very generous cheque. I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit.”
“Wow !, How come?” remarked Dolly.
“Very simple solution, I don’t sign the cheque.”
A policeman goes home after a long
The judge asked the lady
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11.
One evening this man drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12″ tall man standing on the bar.
Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him, “What the hell is that?”
The guy next to him answers, “He’s a pianist!”
The drunk replied, “Horse shit, your pulling my leg.”
So the guy next to him picks up the 12″ man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano.
Sure enough, this little man started hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars’ patrons.
Stunned, the drunk asks, “That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him?”
The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one wish.
All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish.
In a slur, the drunk says, “I wish for a million bucks”.
All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shitting all over him.
Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing, “You son of a b****, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit.”
The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed, “You don’t really think I wished for a 12″ pianist do you?”
Very Simple Operation
A Midwest farmer was describing
One evening this man drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12″ tall man standing on the bar.
Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him, “What the hell is that?”
The guy next to him answers, “He’s a pianist!”
The drunk replied, “Horse shit, your pulling my leg.”
So the guy next to him picks up the 12″ man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano.
Sure enough, this little man started hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars’ patrons.
Stunned, the drunk asks, “That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him?”
The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one wish.
All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish.
In a slur, the drunk says, “I wish for a million bucks”.
All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shitting all over him.
Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing, “You son of a b****, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit.”
The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed, “You don’t really think I wished for a 12″ pianist do you?”
Very Simple Operation
A Midwest farmer was describing
12.
The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a pure and I don’t know anything about lovemaking. Can you explain it to me first?”
“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles.
“Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of lovemaking, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”
Limply turning his head, He yells at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence, OK!”
A husband and wife decided
A young couple decided to wed
The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a pure and I don’t know anything about lovemaking. Can you explain it to me first?”
“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles.
“Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of lovemaking, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”
Limply turning his head, He yells at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence, OK!”
A husband and wife decided
A young couple decided to wed
13.
Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn’t miss a thing with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks,
But One day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Two men both seriously ill
The pilot announced
Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn’t miss a thing with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks,
But One day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Two men both seriously ill
The pilot announced
14.
Two old couples got together to reminiscent about the old times and laugh about life.
One of the gentlemen, Harold, started raving about this great restaurant he and his wife visited not too long ago.
“Really?” The other old man asked.
“What was the name of this place?”
Harold thought for a second before asking, “what do you call those flowers that smell really good?”
“Which ones?” The other guy asked. “Daisy?”
“No, that’s not it.”
“Tulip?”
“No, that doesn’t sound right either.”
“Rose?”
“Yes!” Harold snapped his fingers.
“That’s it!” Harold turns to his wife and asked, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”
A man walks into a bar
He tells his doctor of his concern
Two old couples got together to reminiscent about the old times and laugh about life.
One of the gentlemen, Harold, started raving about this great restaurant he and his wife visited not too long ago.
“Really?” The other old man asked.
“What was the name of this place?”
Harold thought for a second before asking, “what do you call those flowers that smell really good?”
“Which ones?” The other guy asked. “Daisy?”
“No, that’s not it.”
“Tulip?”
“No, that doesn’t sound right either.”
“Rose?”
“Yes!” Harold snapped his fingers.
“That’s it!” Harold turns to his wife and asked, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”
A man walks into a bar
He tells his doctor of his concern
15.
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect.
They end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds of cute, cuddly Teddy Bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall.
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn’t mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Just maybe, this could be the future father of my children.
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly and they continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, ‘Well, how was it?’
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
‘Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf
If you let me touch your wife
An old lady on the bus
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect.
They end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds of cute, cuddly Teddy Bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall.
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn’t mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Just maybe, this could be the future father of my children.
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly and they continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, ‘Well, how was it?’
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
‘Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf
If you let me touch your wife
An old lady on the bus
16.
A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on.
The only problem is that she is a nun.
He decides to approach her anyway.
“Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I must have lovemaking with you.” he says.
“I’m sorry but I’ve given my body to God” she replies and then leaves.
Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says “I know a way you can get her in the sack.”
The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.
The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he’s going to get some.
The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest.
When the nun approaches in the darkness he says “Sister, God has told me I must have lovemaking with you.”
She replies “Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the bum.”
The guy figures this isn’t a problem and proceeds to have the best lovemaking ever.
After it is over he whips off his outfit and says “Surprise I’m the guy on the bus”
With that the nun turns around and says “Surprise I’m the bus driver.”
A little boy was afraid of the dark
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner
A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on.
The only problem is that she is a nun.
He decides to approach her anyway.
“Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I must have lovemaking with you.” he says.
“I’m sorry but I’ve given my body to God” she replies and then leaves.
Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says “I know a way you can get her in the sack.”
The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.
The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he’s going to get some.
The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest.
When the nun approaches in the darkness he says “Sister, God has told me I must have lovemaking with you.”
She replies “Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the bum.”
The guy figures this isn’t a problem and proceeds to have the best lovemaking ever.
After it is over he whips off his outfit and says “Surprise I’m the guy on the bus”
With that the nun turns around and says “Surprise I’m the bus driver.”
A little boy was afraid of the dark
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner
17.
A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a bread stick in his right ear.
He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?”
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”
He rubs it and a Genie emerges
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident
A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a bread stick in his right ear.
He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?”
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”
He rubs it and a Genie emerges
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident
18.
Four-year old Johnny was curious about her mother’s grey hairs.
One day, he asked her, “Mommy, why is some of your hair turning grey?”
The mother seized the opportunity to give him a life lesson.
She replied, “You see, Johnny, every time a baby does something naughty, one of Mommy’s hair strand turns to grey.”
Johnny replied, “So that’s why grandmother has a head full of grey hair.”
Mr. Smith is reading his morning paper
A man came home from the mine
Four-year old Johnny was curious about her mother’s grey hairs.
One day, he asked her, “Mommy, why is some of your hair turning grey?”
The mother seized the opportunity to give him a life lesson.
She replied, “You see, Johnny, every time a baby does something naughty, one of Mommy’s hair strand turns to grey.”
Johnny replied, “So that’s why grandmother has a head full of grey hair.”
Mr. Smith is reading his morning paper
A man came home from the mine
19.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don`t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don`t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don`t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What`s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay”, the lawyer continues, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but he can`t find an answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress, but he still has no answer.
Frustrated, he e-mails all his friends and coworkers, which turns out to be to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
The doctor looked benignly at the woman
Three friends were at the bar
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don`t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don`t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don`t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What`s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay”, the lawyer continues, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but he can`t find an answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress, but he still has no answer.
Frustrated, he e-mails all his friends and coworkers, which turns out to be to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
The doctor looked benignly at the woman
Three friends were at the bar
20.
A grandfather and grandson were taking a nature hike together.
The grandfather remarked how nature can teach us many lessons.
The grandson asked which lesson was the most important one he had learned.
The grandfather replied, “Well, if you find a baby squirrel in the woods, don’t carry it in your shirt unless you’re wearing a very tight belt.”
A guy went fishing with his friend
A man told his doctor
A grandfather and grandson were taking a nature hike together.
The grandfather remarked how nature can teach us many lessons.
The grandson asked which lesson was the most important one he had learned.
The grandfather replied, “Well, if you find a baby squirrel in the woods, don’t carry it in your shirt unless you’re wearing a very tight belt.”
A guy went fishing with his friend
A man told his doctor
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21.
The 80-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon’s office.
“You know, Doc,” he said,
“I’ve made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand.”
“And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions?” the doctor asked.
“Hell, no!” the old fellow replied.
“I want to borrow your Lamborghini!”
He looks around and takes a seat
Two medical students were walking
The 80-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon’s office.
“You know, Doc,” he said,
“I’ve made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand.”
“And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions?” the doctor asked.
“Hell, no!” the old fellow replied.
“I want to borrow your Lamborghini!”
He looks around and takes a seat
Two medical students were walking
22.
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments,
“You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”
“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.
“Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died leaving me $50,000.”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing!”
A drunk was sitting in a bar
Sarah was reading a newspaper
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments,
“You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”
“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.
“Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died leaving me $50,000.”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing!”
A drunk was sitting in a bar
Sarah was reading a newspaper
23.
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset
when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find,
bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying,
“I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.
Please keep your photo and return the others.”
Two blondes, Jane and Sarah
There are three friends
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset
when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find,
bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying,
“I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.
Please keep your photo and return the others.”
Two blondes, Jane and Sarah
There are three friends
24.
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says,
“Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers,
“Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Thomas replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
One day he rushes into a lawyer
The junior executive had been complaining
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says,
“Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers,
“Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Thomas replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
One day he rushes into a lawyer
The junior executive had been complaining
25.
A guy had a dog that kept getting into the neighbors backyard.
The neighbor would come over, banging on the door,screaming,”Your dog has been in my yard again,digging holes and scaring my rabbit.”
“I’m real sorry about that neighbor, I’ll try to keep him penned up.”
“Next time,as God as my witness, I’ll shoot that dog of yours,”and his neighbor storms off.
The following day the man is calling for his dog,and the dog comes crawling from under his neighbors fence with dirt all over his face and a dead rabbit in it’s mouth.
The guy thinks up a plan.He takes the rabbit,gets him cleaned up,
blow dries him and fluffs him up a bit,
and puts him in his cage before his neighbor makes it home from work
.He then grabs his dog,puts him in the car and drives around until his neighbor gets home so he don’t look like the guilty culprit.
As he arrives home,there his neighbor is,standing on his front lawn,with a puzzled look on his face.”Something wrong neighbor?”
“Yeah.My rabbit died” “Oh, I’m sorry to hear about that.”
“Yeah,but what I don’t understand is some sick basterd dug him up,
fluffed him up,and stuck him back in his cage!”
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk
The police stops a man and woman
A guy had a dog that kept getting into the neighbors backyard.
The neighbor would come over, banging on the door,screaming,”Your dog has been in my yard again,digging holes and scaring my rabbit.”
“I’m real sorry about that neighbor, I’ll try to keep him penned up.”
“Next time,as God as my witness, I’ll shoot that dog of yours,”and his neighbor storms off.
The following day the man is calling for his dog,and the dog comes crawling from under his neighbors fence with dirt all over his face and a dead rabbit in it’s mouth.
The guy thinks up a plan.He takes the rabbit,gets him cleaned up,
blow dries him and fluffs him up a bit,
and puts him in his cage before his neighbor makes it home from work
.He then grabs his dog,puts him in the car and drives around until his neighbor gets home so he don’t look like the guilty culprit.
As he arrives home,there his neighbor is,standing on his front lawn,with a puzzled look on his face.”Something wrong neighbor?”
“Yeah.My rabbit died” “Oh, I’m sorry to hear about that.”
“Yeah,but what I don’t understand is some sick basterd dug him up,
fluffed him up,and stuck him back in his cage!”
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk
The police stops a man and woman
26.
Late one night, paramedics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital, suspecting a massive heart attack.
The medical team worked tirelessly through the night and well into the morning, finally stabilizing him and moving him to the Intensive Care Unit for ongoing treatment.
After a few days of recovery, Mr. Steinberg’s doctor visited him with great news.
“Sol, I’m thrilled to tell you that your heart is in remarkable shape—just like when you were 15! You’re being discharged tomorrow, and you can resume any physical activity you enjoy without worrying about your heart.”
Excited to return home, Mr. Steinberg eagerly shared the news with his wife that evening.
“Doris, you won’t believe this! I’m perfectly healthy. No heart problems whatsoever! Tonight, my darling, we’re going to have the most passionate, wild lovemaking you’ve ever experienced!”
Doris paused thoughtfully before responding. “I’m not so sure, Sol. I’ve heard about the risks of intense physical activity with heart conditions. If something happened to you, I’d feel awful. Maybe… if your doctor wrote me a note confirming it’s safe, I might consider it.”
Disheartened but determined, Mr. Steinberg visited his doctor the following day.
Dr. Katz cheerfully agreed. “Of course, Sol! I’ll write it up for you right now.”
He scribbled on his prescription pad: ‘Mr. Sol Steinberg, my patient, is in excellent health with the heart function of a 15-year-old. He may engage in passionate, adventurous intimacy whenever he desires. Signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.’
As he prepared the note, the doctor asked, “By the way, Sol, what’s your wife’s name?”
After a brief hesitation, Mr. Steinberg replied sheepishly, “Uh, Doctor, could you just address it, ‘To Whom It May Concern’?”
Two men are out just fishing quietly
Two old men were sitting on a park bench
Late one night, paramedics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital, suspecting a massive heart attack.
The medical team worked tirelessly through the night and well into the morning, finally stabilizing him and moving him to the Intensive Care Unit for ongoing treatment.
After a few days of recovery, Mr. Steinberg’s doctor visited him with great news.
“Sol, I’m thrilled to tell you that your heart is in remarkable shape—just like when you were 15! You’re being discharged tomorrow, and you can resume any physical activity you enjoy without worrying about your heart.”
Excited to return home, Mr. Steinberg eagerly shared the news with his wife that evening.
“Doris, you won’t believe this! I’m perfectly healthy. No heart problems whatsoever! Tonight, my darling, we’re going to have the most passionate, wild lovemaking you’ve ever experienced!”
Doris paused thoughtfully before responding. “I’m not so sure, Sol. I’ve heard about the risks of intense physical activity with heart conditions. If something happened to you, I’d feel awful. Maybe… if your doctor wrote me a note confirming it’s safe, I might consider it.”
Disheartened but determined, Mr. Steinberg visited his doctor the following day.
Dr. Katz cheerfully agreed. “Of course, Sol! I’ll write it up for you right now.”
He scribbled on his prescription pad: ‘Mr. Sol Steinberg, my patient, is in excellent health with the heart function of a 15-year-old. He may engage in passionate, adventurous intimacy whenever he desires. Signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.’
As he prepared the note, the doctor asked, “By the way, Sol, what’s your wife’s name?”
After a brief hesitation, Mr. Steinberg replied sheepishly, “Uh, Doctor, could you just address it, ‘To Whom It May Concern’?”
Two men are out just fishing quietly
Two old men were sitting on a park bench
27.
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said,
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
The priest said,
“Confess your sins and be forgiven.”
The young woman said,
“Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.”
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
“Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”
The young woman asked,
“Will this cleanse me of my sins?”
The priest said,
“No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”
A married Irishman went into the confessional
Roosevelt, Stalin, Mussolini, and Hitler are on a plane
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said,
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
The priest said,
“Confess your sins and be forgiven.”
The young woman said,
“Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.”
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
“Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”
The young woman asked,
“Will this cleanse me of my sins?”
The priest said,
“No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”
A married Irishman went into the confessional
Roosevelt, Stalin, Mussolini, and Hitler are on a plane
28.
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage.
Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.
Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted:
“Well, don’t you have something to ask me?”
Dave then got down on bended knee.
“Honey,” he said, “Will you buy me a new computer?”
The ninety-five-year-old woman
A man named Marty called his son
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage.
Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.
Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted:
“Well, don’t you have something to ask me?”
Dave then got down on bended knee.
“Honey,” he said, “Will you buy me a new computer?”
The ninety-five-year-old woman
A man named Marty called his son
29.
A man and his son were once going with their donkey to market.
As they were walking along by his side a countryman passed them and said,
“You fools, what is a donkey for but to ride upon?”
So the man put the boy on the donkey, and they went on their way.
But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said, “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”
So the man ordered his boy to get off, and got on himself.
But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other, shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.
Well, the man didn’t know what to do, but at last he took his boy up before him on the donkey.
By this time they had come to the town, and the passersby began to jeer and point at them.
The man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at.
The men said, “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours, you and your hulking son?”
The man and boy got off and tried to think what to do.
They thought and they thought, until at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders.
They went along amid the laughter of all who met them until they came to a bridge, when the donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the boy to drop his end of the pole.
In the struggle the donkey fell over the bridge, and his forefeet being tied together, he was drowned.
Try to please everyone, and you will please no one.
Three Kids Are Arguing About
A photographer from a well known
A man and his son were once going with their donkey to market.
As they were walking along by his side a countryman passed them and said,
“You fools, what is a donkey for but to ride upon?”
So the man put the boy on the donkey, and they went on their way.
But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said, “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”
So the man ordered his boy to get off, and got on himself.
But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other, shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.
Well, the man didn’t know what to do, but at last he took his boy up before him on the donkey.
By this time they had come to the town, and the passersby began to jeer and point at them.
The man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at.
The men said, “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours, you and your hulking son?”
The man and boy got off and tried to think what to do.
They thought and they thought, until at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders.
They went along amid the laughter of all who met them until they came to a bridge, when the donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the boy to drop his end of the pole.
In the struggle the donkey fell over the bridge, and his forefeet being tied together, he was drowned.
Try to please everyone, and you will please no one.
Three Kids Are Arguing About
A photographer from a well known
30.
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for a large cooking container, borrowed his neighbor’s copper cauldron, then returned it in a timely manner.
“What is this?” asked his neighbor upon examining the returned cauldron.
“There is a small pot inside my cauldron.”
“Oh,” responded the Hodja.
“While it was in my care your cauldron gave birth to a little one because you are the owner of the mother cauldron, it is only right that you should keep its baby and in any event, it would not be right to separate the child from its mother at such a young age.”
The neighbor, thinking that the Hodja had gone quite mad, did not argue.
Whatever had caused the crazy man to come up with this explanation, the neighbor had a nice little pot, and it had cost him nothing.
Some time later the Hodja asked to borrow the cauldron again.
“Why not?” thought the neighbor to himself.
“Perhaps there will be another little pot inside when he returns it.”
But this time the Hodja did not return the cauldron.
After many days had passed, the neighbor went to the Hodja and asked for the return of the borrowed cauldron.
“My dear friend,” replied the Hodja.
“I have bad news
Your cauldron has died, and is now in her grave.”
“What are you saying?” shouted the neighbor a cauldron does not live, and it cannot die return it to me at once!”
“One moment!” answered the Hodja.
“This is the same cauldron that but a short time ago gave birth to a child, a child that is still in your possession if a cauldron can give birth to a child, then it also can die.”
And the neighbor never again saw his cauldron.
A teacher in New York
The best positions for prayer
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for a large cooking container, borrowed his neighbor’s copper cauldron, then returned it in a timely manner.
“What is this?” asked his neighbor upon examining the returned cauldron.
“There is a small pot inside my cauldron.”
“Oh,” responded the Hodja.
“While it was in my care your cauldron gave birth to a little one because you are the owner of the mother cauldron, it is only right that you should keep its baby and in any event, it would not be right to separate the child from its mother at such a young age.”
The neighbor, thinking that the Hodja had gone quite mad, did not argue.
Whatever had caused the crazy man to come up with this explanation, the neighbor had a nice little pot, and it had cost him nothing.
Some time later the Hodja asked to borrow the cauldron again.
“Why not?” thought the neighbor to himself.
“Perhaps there will be another little pot inside when he returns it.”
But this time the Hodja did not return the cauldron.
After many days had passed, the neighbor went to the Hodja and asked for the return of the borrowed cauldron.
“My dear friend,” replied the Hodja.
“I have bad news
Your cauldron has died, and is now in her grave.”
“What are you saying?” shouted the neighbor a cauldron does not live, and it cannot die return it to me at once!”
“One moment!” answered the Hodja.
“This is the same cauldron that but a short time ago gave birth to a child, a child that is still in your possession if a cauldron can give birth to a child, then it also can die.”
And the neighbor never again saw his cauldron.
A teacher in New York
The best positions for prayer
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