1.
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly.
Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others.
I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy.
I am a bride of Christ.
I am doing what I love.
I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me.
I am content in all ways,” said the nun.
“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.
“Well, there is one thing,” she said.
“Just name it,” said God.
“It’s those blonde jokes.
They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop.”
“Consider it done,” said God.
“Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere.
But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”
“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.
“Name it. Please,” said God.
“It’s the M&M’s,” said the nun.
“They’re so hard to peel…”
A boy starts his first day at Walmart
Two friends went to interview
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly.
Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others.
I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy.
I am a bride of Christ.
I am doing what I love.
I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me.
I am content in all ways,” said the nun.
“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.
“Well, there is one thing,” she said.
“Just name it,” said God.
“It’s those blonde jokes.
They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop.”
“Consider it done,” said God.
“Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere.
But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”
“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.
“Name it. Please,” said God.
“It’s the M&M’s,” said the nun.
“They’re so hard to peel…”
A boy starts his first day at Walmart
Two friends went to interview
2.
There was once a small town called Redditville.
In this town lived a homeless man named ThunderingSacks.
Our homeless hero was well known for taking a dump in public at the same spot every day.
In this spot was a 2×4 piece of wood. It pointed straight up out the ground.
One day while doing his business, ThunderingSacks heard a scream. A young woman was being chased by a man with a knife.
ThunderingSacks pulled up his trousers and ran to her rescue. He was able to scare the attacker off but only after being stabbed.
Dying, ThunderingSacks beckoned the girl over.
He whispered in her ear, “Take care of my poop station.” ThunderingSacks was no more.
After his passing, word got out about his heroic deed.
People from all over town went to the 2×4 that was his restroom and threw money and jewelry at it to pay respect.
Two men stood watching. The first man said, “If only we appreciate him more when he was alive.”
The second man replies,
“Yes, he was a good man.
Nobody would have expected that his shitpost would be riddled with platinum, gold, and silver
A hunter had been out hunting bear
An elderly man and his wife
There was once a small town called Redditville.
In this town lived a homeless man named ThunderingSacks.
Our homeless hero was well known for taking a dump in public at the same spot every day.
In this spot was a 2×4 piece of wood. It pointed straight up out the ground.
One day while doing his business, ThunderingSacks heard a scream. A young woman was being chased by a man with a knife.
ThunderingSacks pulled up his trousers and ran to her rescue. He was able to scare the attacker off but only after being stabbed.
Dying, ThunderingSacks beckoned the girl over.
He whispered in her ear, “Take care of my poop station.” ThunderingSacks was no more.
After his passing, word got out about his heroic deed.
People from all over town went to the 2×4 that was his restroom and threw money and jewelry at it to pay respect.
Two men stood watching. The first man said, “If only we appreciate him more when he was alive.”
The second man replies,
“Yes, he was a good man.
Nobody would have expected that his shitpost would be riddled with platinum, gold, and silver
A hunter had been out hunting bear
An elderly man and his wife
3.
“I have an idea,” says the father.
He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table.
“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker if he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table.
He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down.
He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down.
He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
A Woman Wants A Compliment From Her Husband
So he asks his father
“I have an idea,” says the father.
He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table.
“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker if he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table.
He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down.
He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down.
He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
A Woman Wants A Compliment From Her Husband
So he asks his father
4.
A son challenged his boastful father to a game of golf.
The son was determined to beat his father in golf for the first time.
On the very first swing, the father got a hole in one.
“Okay, nice shot dad,” said the son, thinking quickly on his feet.
“Now I will take my practice shot and then we will start.”
Johnny runs to his dad and says
A family sat down for dinner
A son challenged his boastful father to a game of golf.
The son was determined to beat his father in golf for the first time.
On the very first swing, the father got a hole in one.
“Okay, nice shot dad,” said the son, thinking quickly on his feet.
“Now I will take my practice shot and then we will start.”
Johnny runs to his dad and says
A family sat down for dinner
5.
After a tiring day, a young lady settled down in her local train seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her, pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.
“Hi Sweetheart, its john, I’m on the Train”
“Yes, I know it’s Six thirty and not four thirty, but I had A Long Meeting”
“No, honey, I was not with Cathy from the Accounts Office, I was with the Boss attending the meeting”
“No Sweetheart,
You’re the only one in My life”
“Yes, I’m sure dear”.
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the Young Woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
“John darling, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”
That was the last time john used his cell phone in Public.
A elderly couple was celebrating their anniversary
A man and his wife were awakened
After a tiring day, a young lady settled down in her local train seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her, pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.
“Hi Sweetheart, its john, I’m on the Train”
“Yes, I know it’s Six thirty and not four thirty, but I had A Long Meeting”
“No, honey, I was not with Cathy from the Accounts Office, I was with the Boss attending the meeting”
“No Sweetheart,
You’re the only one in My life”
“Yes, I’m sure dear”.
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the Young Woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
“John darling, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”
That was the last time john used his cell phone in Public.
A elderly couple was celebrating their anniversary
A man and his wife were awakened
6.
3 thieves rob a bank
They run and try to hide in a farm
The cops follow them into the farm so they hide inside boxes
One cop comes and while searching sees these boxes so he kicks the first one “Baack buck b-buck” “chickens” he says
He kicks the second one “glogloglo “
“Hmm ,a turkey” Kicks the third one , no sound So he kicked harder ,no sound still He kicks as hard as he can and the thieve comes out yelling “a box of tomatoes mother fool ,tomatoes.”
A 95-Year-old woman goes to the Doctor
A man get a call girl
3 thieves rob a bank
They run and try to hide in a farm
The cops follow them into the farm so they hide inside boxes
One cop comes and while searching sees these boxes so he kicks the first one “Baack buck b-buck” “chickens” he says
He kicks the second one “glogloglo “
“Hmm ,a turkey” Kicks the third one , no sound So he kicked harder ,no sound still He kicks as hard as he can and the thieve comes out yelling “a box of tomatoes mother fool ,tomatoes.”
A 95-Year-old woman goes to the Doctor
A man get a call girl
7.
The doctor and his wife were playing golf at the club and she drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway.
The doctor said Wow I have never seen you play this well before! Marie says, I took lessons.
A couple of days later on the tennis court in mixed doubles, she smashes her serves and never misses a point.
The doctor said, Wow I have never seen you hit so well before! Marie says, I took lessons.
On the weekend they settled into a nice dinner at home.
Marie brings out the perfect plates of Beef Wellington and the doctor says Wow I have never seen you cook like this before! She says, I took lessons.
After dinner she gives him That look and they go upstairs.
About 30 minutes later the doctor rolls over and says Wow! That was incredible, amazing, so hot! I want a divorce.
A drunken Irishman is driving through
A young farm girl answers the door
The doctor and his wife were playing golf at the club and she drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway.
The doctor said Wow I have never seen you play this well before! Marie says, I took lessons.
A couple of days later on the tennis court in mixed doubles, she smashes her serves and never misses a point.
The doctor said, Wow I have never seen you hit so well before! Marie says, I took lessons.
On the weekend they settled into a nice dinner at home.
Marie brings out the perfect plates of Beef Wellington and the doctor says Wow I have never seen you cook like this before! She says, I took lessons.
After dinner she gives him That look and they go upstairs.
About 30 minutes later the doctor rolls over and says Wow! That was incredible, amazing, so hot! I want a divorce.
A drunken Irishman is driving through
A young farm girl answers the door
8.
A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared, ready to devour the man whole.
The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, “Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion.”
A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion.
The lion then drops to his knees, looks up to heavens and prays, “Dear God, bless you for this food I’m about to receive.”
The teacher asks a question
Frank always looked on the bright side
A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared, ready to devour the man whole.
The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, “Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion.”
A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion.
The lion then drops to his knees, looks up to heavens and prays, “Dear God, bless you for this food I’m about to receive.”
The teacher asks a question
Frank always looked on the bright side
9.
Two lawyers, Jon and Ethan, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf.
Jon offers Ethan a $50 bet.
Ethan agrees and they’re off.
They shoot a great game.
After the 8th hole, Ethan is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
“Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he says to Jon.
After a few minutes, neither has any luck.
Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Ethan secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.
“I’ve found my ball!” he announces.
“After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together,”
Jon says, “you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?”
“What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”
“And you’re a liar, too!” Jon says.
“I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”
Death comes to collect a man soul
Predicting the weather
Two lawyers, Jon and Ethan, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf.
Jon offers Ethan a $50 bet.
Ethan agrees and they’re off.
They shoot a great game.
After the 8th hole, Ethan is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
“Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he says to Jon.
After a few minutes, neither has any luck.
Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Ethan secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.
“I’ve found my ball!” he announces.
“After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together,”
Jon says, “you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?”
“What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”
“And you’re a liar, too!” Jon says.
“I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”
Death comes to collect a man soul
Predicting the weather
10.
Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home.
He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, “Oh, I’m sorry, dear, but I’ve got to do all of this laundry.
Another time, please.”
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, “Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn’t be any good.
I’ve got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check.”
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.
“How about it?” he said urgently.
Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped.
“This is the third night in a row you’ve asked.
What are you? Some kind of a bed time maniac?
A young couple with a box
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home.
He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, “Oh, I’m sorry, dear, but I’ve got to do all of this laundry.
Another time, please.”
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, “Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn’t be any good.
I’ve got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check.”
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.
“How about it?” he said urgently.
Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped.
“This is the third night in a row you’ve asked.
What are you? Some kind of a bed time maniac?
A young couple with a box
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
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11.
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board from the nearby fence, and knocks the dog out.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
“Young 49ers Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Niners fan,” the little hero replied.
“Sorry, since we are in San Francisco I just assumed you were, ” said the reporter, who proceeds to write, “Little Oakland Raiders Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack.”
“I’m not a Raiders fan, either,” the boy said.
“I assumed everyone in the Bay Area was either for the Niners or Raiders.
What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.
“I’m a Dallas Cowboys fan,” the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Punk Kills Beloved Family Pet.”
Two brothers who lived on adjoining farms
A truck driver is driving through
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board from the nearby fence, and knocks the dog out.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
“Young 49ers Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Niners fan,” the little hero replied.
“Sorry, since we are in San Francisco I just assumed you were, ” said the reporter, who proceeds to write, “Little Oakland Raiders Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack.”
“I’m not a Raiders fan, either,” the boy said.
“I assumed everyone in the Bay Area was either for the Niners or Raiders.
What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.
“I’m a Dallas Cowboys fan,” the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Punk Kills Beloved Family Pet.”
Two brothers who lived on adjoining farms
A truck driver is driving through
12.
A lady approaches a priest and tells him,
“Father, I have a problem.
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.
They keep saying “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed.
“But I do have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots,…
to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase,
and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house.
The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots,
and the female parrots say,
“Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams,
“Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered !!!
In a school science class four worms
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A lady approaches a priest and tells him,
“Father, I have a problem.
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.
They keep saying “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed.
“But I do have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots,…
to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase,
and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house.
The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots,
and the female parrots say,
“Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams,
“Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered !!!
In a school science class four worms
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
13.
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 …correct?
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
A man is lying on the beach and reply to hot girl
A Man Who Is Dating Three Women
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 …correct?
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
A man is lying on the beach and reply to hot girl
A Man Who Is Dating Three Women
14.
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.”
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that Ask me again some other time.”
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I’ll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!”
Fred and Mary got married
Two women go out one night
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.”
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that Ask me again some other time.”
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I’ll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!”
Fred and Mary got married
Two women go out one night
15.
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long train journey.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.
“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” he says.
This catches the senior’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”
The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the senior’s turn.
He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00.
The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the senior up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The senior reaches into his pocket hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
Age will overcome youth and technology anytime.
A professor sits with a farmer in a train
An elderly patient in a mental hospital
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long train journey.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.
“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” he says.
This catches the senior’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”
The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the senior’s turn.
He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00.
The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the senior up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The senior reaches into his pocket hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
Age will overcome youth and technology anytime.
A professor sits with a farmer in a train
An elderly patient in a mental hospital
16.
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
“What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a whole 31 days.”
The bartender thought about this for a while.
“But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked the bartender.
“Yeah, except today is the last night,” he muttered.
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag
A group of frogs was traveling through
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
“What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a whole 31 days.”
The bartender thought about this for a while.
“But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked the bartender.
“Yeah, except today is the last night,” he muttered.
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag
A group of frogs was traveling through
17.
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what’s worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late.
He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, “I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school.
I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home.
If I didn’t clean it and freeze it, my mom would’ve been angry that’s why I’m so late”.
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal’s office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, “I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me.
I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me.
He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs
He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear.
The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me what do you think of that, Johnny?”
Johnny replies, “Oh yeah, that’s my dog Sparky that’s his third bear this week.”
There was an engineer
Two elderly women were out driving
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what’s worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late.
He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, “I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school.
I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home.
If I didn’t clean it and freeze it, my mom would’ve been angry that’s why I’m so late”.
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal’s office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, “I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me.
I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me.
He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs
He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear.
The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me what do you think of that, Johnny?”
Johnny replies, “Oh yeah, that’s my dog Sparky that’s his third bear this week.”
There was an engineer
Two elderly women were out driving
18.
A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool.
They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased.
As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off.
As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom.
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel’s elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium.
Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium…that’s the swimming pool!”
A dentist was getting ready to clean
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging
A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool.
They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased.
As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off.
As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom.
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel’s elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium.
Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium…that’s the swimming pool!”
A dentist was getting ready to clean
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging
19.
Joan invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” Joan answered.
The girl thought for a minute, then bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
The teacher of the earth science class
John and Tony were in the bar
Joan invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” Joan answered.
The girl thought for a minute, then bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
The teacher of the earth science class
John and Tony were in the bar
20.
Little Johnny: Hello Teacher, let me ask you a question.
Teacher: Okay.
Little Johnny: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher: You can’t it’s too big.
Little Johnny: Wrong. All you have to do is open the fridge and put it in there.
Teacher: Hm. Okay then.
Little Johnny: Let me ask you another question. How do put a Donkey inside that fridge?
Teacher: Easy you just open the door and put it in there.
Little Johnny: Wrong again. You have to take the Elephant out first then put the Donkey in the fridge.
Teacher: Uh okay.
Little Johnny: Next question. If a Lion had a birthday party and all the animals went to it, what animal is missing?
Teacher: All of them because the Lion eats them.
Little Johnny: Wrong, the Donkey is missing because he’s still in the fridge.
Teacher: Are you kidding me?
Little Johnny: Okay last question. If you’re at a River and crocodiles live in it, how do you get across?
Teacher: You build a boat and float across. If you try to swim across you will be eaten.
Little Johnny: Nope. All you have to do is swim across because all the animals went to Lion’s birthday party.
Teacher: Get out.
A squirrel and 2 bees are going on a road trip
A teacher was giving an assignment
Little Johnny: Hello Teacher, let me ask you a question.
Teacher: Okay.
Little Johnny: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher: You can’t it’s too big.
Little Johnny: Wrong. All you have to do is open the fridge and put it in there.
Teacher: Hm. Okay then.
Little Johnny: Let me ask you another question. How do put a Donkey inside that fridge?
Teacher: Easy you just open the door and put it in there.
Little Johnny: Wrong again. You have to take the Elephant out first then put the Donkey in the fridge.
Teacher: Uh okay.
Little Johnny: Next question. If a Lion had a birthday party and all the animals went to it, what animal is missing?
Teacher: All of them because the Lion eats them.
Little Johnny: Wrong, the Donkey is missing because he’s still in the fridge.
Teacher: Are you kidding me?
Little Johnny: Okay last question. If you’re at a River and crocodiles live in it, how do you get across?
Teacher: You build a boat and float across. If you try to swim across you will be eaten.
Little Johnny: Nope. All you have to do is swim across because all the animals went to Lion’s birthday party.
Teacher: Get out.
A squirrel and 2 bees are going on a road trip
A teacher was giving an assignment
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21.
My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena,
after looking to the man using the urinal to his right,
my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims,
“Daddy, that man’s wiener is a lot bigger than yours!”
The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me.
So I put my hand around my kid and told him, “Well son, that’s because daddy isn’t aroused by men.
One day a father and son
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding
My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena,
after looking to the man using the urinal to his right,
my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims,
“Daddy, that man’s wiener is a lot bigger than yours!”
The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me.
So I put my hand around my kid and told him, “Well son, that’s because daddy isn’t aroused by men.
One day a father and son
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding
22.
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he’s lost.
Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.
The poodle thinks, “Uh, oh!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew!” says the leopard. “That was close! That poodle nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!”
Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.
“Where’s that damn monkey?” the poodle says. “I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”
She noticed several machetes in the car
The old lady was standing at the railing
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he’s lost.
Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.
The poodle thinks, “Uh, oh!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew!” says the leopard. “That was close! That poodle nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!”
Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.
“Where’s that damn monkey?” the poodle says. “I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”
She noticed several machetes in the car
The old lady was standing at the railing
23.
A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.”
So he continued: “Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator.
She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you.
Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.
Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, “Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use any more?”
Sam called his wife and said
A mother was working in the kitchen
A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.”
So he continued: “Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator.
She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you.
Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.
Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, “Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use any more?”
Sam called his wife and said
A mother was working in the kitchen
24.
Two guys were playing golf, one of them was about to swing the golf club when he noticed a funeral procession going by on the street.
The man stopped in mid-swing and closed his eyes and said a short prayer.
The other man truly inspired, remarked, clearing his throat, “wow that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.”
“Well”, the other man said “I was married to her for 35 years.”
A elderly wealthy man walks
A blonde and brunette are sitting
Two guys were playing golf, one of them was about to swing the golf club when he noticed a funeral procession going by on the street.
The man stopped in mid-swing and closed his eyes and said a short prayer.
The other man truly inspired, remarked, clearing his throat, “wow that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.”
“Well”, the other man said “I was married to her for 35 years.”
A elderly wealthy man walks
A blonde and brunette are sitting
25.
Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together.
They made a decision, one day to make it,..
“yesterday once more”.
They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young.
The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning,
dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise,
waited there for his sweetheart to come.
But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.
Grandpa went home in such anger.
He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow.
He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned:
“Why didn’t you come to our date?”
Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly
“Mom didn’t allow me to go…”
An elderly, faithful man died
A group of racist Americans
Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together.
They made a decision, one day to make it,..
“yesterday once more”.
They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young.
The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning,
dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise,
waited there for his sweetheart to come.
But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.
Grandpa went home in such anger.
He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow.
He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned:
“Why didn’t you come to our date?”
Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly
“Mom didn’t allow me to go…”
An elderly, faithful man died
A group of racist Americans
26.
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
“Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV,
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.”
“Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde,
and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.”
Aren’t older women great?
They really know how to solve your mid life crisis.
A man came to visit his grandparents
A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
“Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV,
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.”
“Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde,
and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.”
Aren’t older women great?
They really know how to solve your mid life crisis.
A man came to visit his grandparents
A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle
27.
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup.
“I think something is wrong with your back,” the doctor says.
“What makes you think that?” asks Quasimodo.
“I don’t know,” the doctor replies.
“It’s just a hunch.”
The lady sitting next to a man
A office exec was interviewing a blonde
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup.
“I think something is wrong with your back,” the doctor says.
“What makes you think that?” asks Quasimodo.
“I don’t know,” the doctor replies.
“It’s just a hunch.”
The lady sitting next to a man
A office exec was interviewing a blonde
28.
Two men went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”
A guy comes home completely drunk
Three boys are in the schoolyard
Two men went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”
A guy comes home completely drunk
Three boys are in the schoolyard
29.
It was Sally first time going for jury duty and she was a little bit apprehensive.
I would just like you to know said Sally as soon as she was in front of the judge that I feel very strongly that capital punishment is morally unjust and incorrect.
That’s OK , said the judge “capital punishment is not a possibility in this case so it’s perfectly fine for you to serve on this jury.
What the case about? Asked Sally.
Well Mrs. Smith is filing a suit against her husband for gambling away the money she had saved for remodeling her bathroom, replied the judge.
Alright replied Sally I’ll serve on this one, I may have been wrong about the capital punishment thing after all.
A Sales Associate at Walmart
An old man went to the doctor
It was Sally first time going for jury duty and she was a little bit apprehensive.
I would just like you to know said Sally as soon as she was in front of the judge that I feel very strongly that capital punishment is morally unjust and incorrect.
That’s OK , said the judge “capital punishment is not a possibility in this case so it’s perfectly fine for you to serve on this jury.
What the case about? Asked Sally.
Well Mrs. Smith is filing a suit against her husband for gambling away the money she had saved for remodeling her bathroom, replied the judge.
Alright replied Sally I’ll serve on this one, I may have been wrong about the capital punishment thing after all.
A Sales Associate at Walmart
An old man went to the doctor
30.
A boy decides to learn the language of all animals.
Dad, there is a school where you can learn the language of animals.
Please, give me money to go there and study.
Fathers agree and give him money.
After a year, the son returns home and the father decides to test his skills.
Son, did you learn the language?
Yes father. Do you hear the cow mooing? She says that she is about to give you 10 liters of milk.
That’s impossible, this cow can give no more than a liter.
Dad milked the cow and it actually gave him 10 liters of milk.
Dad’s super confused but decided that it was a coincidence.
Do you hear that hen? She says that she is about to lay 5 eggs now.
That’s impossible, that hen has never laid any eggs before.
Dad still goes there and checks for the eggs and there actually are 5 eggs laid.
Dad is confused but starts to believe his son.
The second day son sees a donkey running away from his dad and hee-hawing.
Dad trying to pull up his trousers and chase the donkey and screaming to his son: Don’t trust this donkey, she’s lying, don’t believe it son.
A man was in hurry to catch a train
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs
A boy decides to learn the language of all animals.
Dad, there is a school where you can learn the language of animals.
Please, give me money to go there and study.
Fathers agree and give him money.
After a year, the son returns home and the father decides to test his skills.
Son, did you learn the language?
Yes father. Do you hear the cow mooing? She says that she is about to give you 10 liters of milk.
That’s impossible, this cow can give no more than a liter.
Dad milked the cow and it actually gave him 10 liters of milk.
Dad’s super confused but decided that it was a coincidence.
Do you hear that hen? She says that she is about to lay 5 eggs now.
That’s impossible, that hen has never laid any eggs before.
Dad still goes there and checks for the eggs and there actually are 5 eggs laid.
Dad is confused but starts to believe his son.
The second day son sees a donkey running away from his dad and hee-hawing.
Dad trying to pull up his trousers and chase the donkey and screaming to his son: Don’t trust this donkey, she’s lying, don’t believe it son.
A man was in hurry to catch a train
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs
Tags:
Eng Jokes