1.
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him.
“I’ll take it.” The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better.”
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager. “He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained.
“I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
A customer in a restaurant
Little Pianist
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him.
“I’ll take it.” The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better.”
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager. “He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained.
“I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
A customer in a restaurant
Little Pianist
2.
A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court.
He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, “Did anyone tell you what to say in court?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the boy.
“I thought so,” said the attorney. “Who was it?”
“My father, sir.”
“And what did he tell you?” the attorney asked accusingly.
“He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right.”
After many years of bachelorhood
One day Emma came home and asked her mother
A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court.
He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, “Did anyone tell you what to say in court?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the boy.
“I thought so,” said the attorney. “Who was it?”
“My father, sir.”
“And what did he tell you?” the attorney asked accusingly.
“He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right.”
After many years of bachelorhood
One day Emma came home and asked her mother
3.
A young couple move into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging up the washing outside.
Wife: “That laundry isn’t very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly
Perhaps she needs better laundry detergent.”
Her husband looks on, remaining silent.
Every time her neighbor hangs out her washing to dry, the young woman makes the same comments.
A month later, the woman is surprised to see a nice clean load of washing on the line and says to her husband:
Wife: “Look, she’s finally learned how to wash her clothes correctly
I wonder who taught her this?”
The husband replies, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
Moral of the story:
Some people nowadays, what they see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which they look, not on what’s really behind/inside of it…
While rummaging through the boat
A doctor entered the hospital
A young couple move into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging up the washing outside.
Wife: “That laundry isn’t very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly
Perhaps she needs better laundry detergent.”
Her husband looks on, remaining silent.
Every time her neighbor hangs out her washing to dry, the young woman makes the same comments.
A month later, the woman is surprised to see a nice clean load of washing on the line and says to her husband:
Wife: “Look, she’s finally learned how to wash her clothes correctly
I wonder who taught her this?”
The husband replies, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
Moral of the story:
Some people nowadays, what they see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which they look, not on what’s really behind/inside of it…
While rummaging through the boat
A doctor entered the hospital
4.
This bloke went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance.
She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.
While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said, “You really smell terrific. What’s that you have on?”
The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5.
Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, “You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?”
“Well, I’ve got a harden, but I didn’t think you could smell it,” the guy replied.
A English teacher spent a lot of time
A foursome of senior golfers
This bloke went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance.
She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.
While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said, “You really smell terrific. What’s that you have on?”
The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5.
Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, “You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?”
“Well, I’ve got a harden, but I didn’t think you could smell it,” the guy replied.
A English teacher spent a lot of time
A foursome of senior golfers
5.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see eachvchild’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist
The patient ask to doctor
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see eachvchild’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist
The patient ask to doctor
6.
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
A man and a friend are playing golf
Three guys were drinking in a pub
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
A man and a friend are playing golf
Three guys were drinking in a pub
7.
Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole”, said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed.
“Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all’ woman?” he said.
“We need the height and she gives us the length!” Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks
One nun was called Sister Mathematical
Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole”, said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed.
“Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all’ woman?” he said.
“We need the height and she gives us the length!” Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks
One nun was called Sister Mathematical
8.
A woman went shopping.
At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse:
He could not control his curiosity and ask.
“Do you always carry your TV remote with you?”
She replied. “No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote.”
The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that the lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act. She asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said. “Your husband has blocked your credit card.”
A old man goes to his doctor
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
A woman went shopping.
At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse:
He could not control his curiosity and ask.
“Do you always carry your TV remote with you?”
She replied. “No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote.”
The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that the lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act. She asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said. “Your husband has blocked your credit card.”
A old man goes to his doctor
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
9.
A burglar is stalking stealthily around the living room of the house he’s just broken into.
He jumps with fright when he suddenly hears a voice behind him saying “Crook, beware, Jesus, watches you”
He turns around, swings the beam of his flashlight into the direction the voice comes from and sees what indeed the voice had made him think once he was over his first fright: a parrot.
The bird repeats “Crook, beware, Jesus watches you”
The burglar walks up to the cage and asks “And what may your name be?”
The parrot answers “Coco.”
The burglar sniggers and says, “I’ve always found that a very stupid name for a parrot.”
The parrot answers “Maybe, but not half as silly as Jesus for a Doberman.”
A man walks out onto a busy New York City
Joe was sitting at a bar
A burglar is stalking stealthily around the living room of the house he’s just broken into.
He jumps with fright when he suddenly hears a voice behind him saying “Crook, beware, Jesus, watches you”
He turns around, swings the beam of his flashlight into the direction the voice comes from and sees what indeed the voice had made him think once he was over his first fright: a parrot.
The bird repeats “Crook, beware, Jesus watches you”
The burglar walks up to the cage and asks “And what may your name be?”
The parrot answers “Coco.”
The burglar sniggers and says, “I’ve always found that a very stupid name for a parrot.”
The parrot answers “Maybe, but not half as silly as Jesus for a Doberman.”
A man walks out onto a busy New York City
Joe was sitting at a bar
10.
The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island.
They ask the man why he built the buildings.
“This first building is my house.”
“He says, I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing”.
The sailors are impressed and ask about the second building.
“This second building is my church,” he says “I am a Christian and my faith is very important to me”.
The sailors nod in understanding and ask about the third building.
“Oh, that one,” the man says.
“That’s the church I USED to go to”.
A hungry Wolf
A gorgeous 19 year old girl
The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island.
They ask the man why he built the buildings.
“This first building is my house.”
“He says, I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing”.
The sailors are impressed and ask about the second building.
“This second building is my church,” he says “I am a Christian and my faith is very important to me”.
The sailors nod in understanding and ask about the third building.
“Oh, that one,” the man says.
“That’s the church I USED to go to”.
A hungry Wolf
A gorgeous 19 year old girl
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11.
A young man went to his grandfather’s place to stay for the weekend.
He was sitting down to lunch when he noticed that the spoons and forks were encrusted in a thin filmy substance.
He asked his grandfather,
“Are you sure you washed it properly?”
“As clean as cold water can get it.” was the reply.
So the young man shrugged and started eating.
The next day at breakfast he noticed that the plates were dirty and grimy.
It also smelled a bit like dog.
“Are you sure you washed it properly?” He asked.
“Clean as cold water can get it.” was the reply again.
The man, a bit suspicious for his health, looked at his grandfather, than at his plate and started eating.
As he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog jumped out in front of him, growled and generally blocked him from going forward.
“Cold water, leave the poor boy alone!” shouted the old man from inside.
A man walks into a Bank gets in line
John bought his new colleague Peter home for dinner
A young man went to his grandfather’s place to stay for the weekend.
He was sitting down to lunch when he noticed that the spoons and forks were encrusted in a thin filmy substance.
He asked his grandfather,
“Are you sure you washed it properly?”
“As clean as cold water can get it.” was the reply.
So the young man shrugged and started eating.
The next day at breakfast he noticed that the plates were dirty and grimy.
It also smelled a bit like dog.
“Are you sure you washed it properly?” He asked.
“Clean as cold water can get it.” was the reply again.
The man, a bit suspicious for his health, looked at his grandfather, than at his plate and started eating.
As he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog jumped out in front of him, growled and generally blocked him from going forward.
“Cold water, leave the poor boy alone!” shouted the old man from inside.
A man walks into a Bank gets in line
John bought his new colleague Peter home for dinner
12.
An elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop and asks,
“How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About two hours.”
The elderly guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About two hours.”
The elderly guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and a half.”
The elderly guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.”
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”
Bill looked up and said, “To your house.”
The animals of the forest are having a meeting
A old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs
An elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop and asks,
“How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About two hours.”
The elderly guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About two hours.”
The elderly guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and a half.”
The elderly guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.”
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”
Bill looked up and said, “To your house.”
The animals of the forest are having a meeting
A old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs
13.
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.
“I’m sorry,” said the receptionist,
“we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”
“But I could be dead by then!”
“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”
Patient: “Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
Nurse: “Have you seen a doctor?”
Patient: “No, just spots.”
Question: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
Answer: Only if you aim it well enough.
What is Celibacy
The little girls answer shocks the teacher
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.
“I’m sorry,” said the receptionist,
“we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”
“But I could be dead by then!”
“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”
Patient: “Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
Nurse: “Have you seen a doctor?”
Patient: “No, just spots.”
Question: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
Answer: Only if you aim it well enough.
What is Celibacy
The little girls answer shocks the teacher
14.
John and Tony were in the bar, pondering over Tony’s problems.
“Andrea and I want to get married,” said Tony, “but we can’t find anywhere to live.”
“Why don’t you live with Andrea’s parents for a while?” suggested John.
“We can’t do that,” said Tony, “they’re living with their parents for a while too.”
Joan invited some people to dinner
A high school student came home
John and Tony were in the bar, pondering over Tony’s problems.
“Andrea and I want to get married,” said Tony, “but we can’t find anywhere to live.”
“Why don’t you live with Andrea’s parents for a while?” suggested John.
“We can’t do that,” said Tony, “they’re living with their parents for a while too.”
Joan invited some people to dinner
A high school student came home
15.
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.
There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he’s on his way to The Royal York Hotel.
The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park.
“What’s that?” says the Texan.
“Oh! That’s Queens Park,” says the Cabby, “Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big.”
“Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large,” says the Texan.
They continue along and past First Canadian Place.
“Holy cow,” says the Texan, “What’s that?”
“Why that’s First Canadian Place, it’s the biggest office complex in the country,” says the Cabby, “it took almost 4 years to build.”
“Really,” says the Texan, “Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time.”
They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN Tower.
Now the Texan has his head out the window looking up at the 1850′ tower and rotating restaurant at 1300.
“Holy Crap!” says the Texan.
“What in gods name is that? How long did it take to build that!”
The Cabby nonchalantly glances out the window and says,
“Heck if I know, it wasn’t there yesterday!”
A fisherman is walking carrying lobsters
Two old Jewish men Sid and Abe
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.
There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he’s on his way to The Royal York Hotel.
The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park.
“What’s that?” says the Texan.
“Oh! That’s Queens Park,” says the Cabby, “Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big.”
“Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large,” says the Texan.
They continue along and past First Canadian Place.
“Holy cow,” says the Texan, “What’s that?”
“Why that’s First Canadian Place, it’s the biggest office complex in the country,” says the Cabby, “it took almost 4 years to build.”
“Really,” says the Texan, “Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time.”
They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN Tower.
Now the Texan has his head out the window looking up at the 1850′ tower and rotating restaurant at 1300.
“Holy Crap!” says the Texan.
“What in gods name is that? How long did it take to build that!”
The Cabby nonchalantly glances out the window and says,
“Heck if I know, it wasn’t there yesterday!”
A fisherman is walking carrying lobsters
Two old Jewish men Sid and Abe
16.
Anna realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said:
“That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”
The girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister: “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said: “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
The son asks the father
A teacher is teaching a class
Anna realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said:
“That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”
The girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister: “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said: “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
The son asks the father
A teacher is teaching a class
17.
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect.
Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”.
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said.
“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”
A teacher reprimanded the teenager
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect.
Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”.
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said.
“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”
A teacher reprimanded the teenager
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover
18.
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.
The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act.
He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.
The doctor said, “David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity.
Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable.
The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”
David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”
The nurse asks him
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.
The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act.
He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.
The doctor said, “David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity.
Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable.
The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”
David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”
The nurse asks him
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
19.
The Mexican Maid asked for a pay rise.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want more pay?”
Maria: “Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase.
The first eez that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban deed.”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I a’m a better at make love than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Senora, the gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
A man walks into a butcher shop
A teacher was telling the story
The Mexican Maid asked for a pay rise.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want more pay?”
Maria: “Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase.
The first eez that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban deed.”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I a’m a better at make love than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Senora, the gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
A man walks into a butcher shop
A teacher was telling the story
20.
One afternoon a fox was walking through the forest and spotted a bunch of grapes hanging from over a lofty branch.
“Just the thing to quench my thirst,” he thought.
Taking a few steps back, the fox jumped and just missed the hanging grapes.
Again the fox took a few paces back and tried to reach them but still failed.
Finally, giving up, the fox turned up his nose and said;
“They’re probably sour anyway,” and proceeded to walk away.
Rat & Piano
A magic fairy
One afternoon a fox was walking through the forest and spotted a bunch of grapes hanging from over a lofty branch.
“Just the thing to quench my thirst,” he thought.
Taking a few steps back, the fox jumped and just missed the hanging grapes.
Again the fox took a few paces back and tried to reach them but still failed.
Finally, giving up, the fox turned up his nose and said;
“They’re probably sour anyway,” and proceeded to walk away.
Rat & Piano
A magic fairy
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21.
One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, “Acts 2:38: ‘Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'”
The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police.
While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, “Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily.
How come you gave up so quickly?”
The robber said, “She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
A radical feminist is getting on a bus
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church
One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, “Acts 2:38: ‘Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'”
The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police.
While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, “Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily.
How come you gave up so quickly?”
The robber said, “She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
A radical feminist is getting on a bus
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church
22.
Whispering firmly to the dying man, the priest said,
“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
The story of one 10-year-old boy
A woman walks into the city center
Whispering firmly to the dying man, the priest said,
“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
The story of one 10-year-old boy
A woman walks into the city center
23.
A bear walks into a bar.
The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired.
He eventually makes his way over to the bear.
The bear immediately tells him, “You look exhausted.”
“Yeah, it’s been a rough day,” says the bartender,
“What are you drinking?”
“I’ll have a glass of…” says the bear.
He waits a painfully long moment before adding “scotch.”
“Why the long face?” asks the bartender.
“Don’t you mean “big pause”?” asks the bear.
“Yeah, sorry.” Sighs the Bartender.
“Like I said, it’s been a rough day.”
A American traveling to Japan
Two Women riding in an elevator
A bear walks into a bar.
The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired.
He eventually makes his way over to the bear.
The bear immediately tells him, “You look exhausted.”
“Yeah, it’s been a rough day,” says the bartender,
“What are you drinking?”
“I’ll have a glass of…” says the bear.
He waits a painfully long moment before adding “scotch.”
“Why the long face?” asks the bartender.
“Don’t you mean “big pause”?” asks the bear.
“Yeah, sorry.” Sighs the Bartender.
“Like I said, it’s been a rough day.”
A American traveling to Japan
Two Women riding in an elevator
24.
Anant went to his friend’s house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night.
His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said,
“You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby.”
Anant said that he would prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blonde.
“Hi,” he said, “Who are you?” “I’m Baby, and who are you?” “I’m stupid,” he said
Tim, Tom, and Teddy were all lost
Two boys go into a forest
Anant went to his friend’s house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night.
His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said,
“You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby.”
Anant said that he would prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blonde.
“Hi,” he said, “Who are you?” “I’m Baby, and who are you?” “I’m stupid,” he said
Tim, Tom, and Teddy were all lost
Two boys go into a forest
25.
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
“In front of you?” He asks shyly.
The nurse says: “Well no, but I’ve seen the undressed human body before. The man said, “Not one like mine. You’d die laughing at my undressed body.”
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth it was almost identical to an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s private parts, she composed herself as well as she could.
“I am so sorry,” she said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together
A man asks a farmer near a field
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
“In front of you?” He asks shyly.
The nurse says: “Well no, but I’ve seen the undressed human body before. The man said, “Not one like mine. You’d die laughing at my undressed body.”
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth it was almost identical to an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s private parts, she composed herself as well as she could.
“I am so sorry,” she said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together
A man asks a farmer near a field
26.
My general was making so damn angry by giving me extra work.
So i started thinking of a way to get back at him. So i went around to all the people thank were a higher rank than me and asked them to follow me and if they would sign my release papers.
They all said hell no because i was only in the army for a year.
And so i went up to the general and asked him to follow me. He did and i led him around all of the officers.
They all glared at him, and were writing things down.
And thats how i got a different general, but not out of the army.
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls
My general was making so damn angry by giving me extra work.
So i started thinking of a way to get back at him. So i went around to all the people thank were a higher rank than me and asked them to follow me and if they would sign my release papers.
They all said hell no because i was only in the army for a year.
And so i went up to the general and asked him to follow me. He did and i led him around all of the officers.
They all glared at him, and were writing things down.
And thats how i got a different general, but not out of the army.
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls
27.
He goes to his local priest to see if he has an answer.
The boy presents the question and the priest is completely at a loss of words.
The question is so challenging that he could not give an answer.
Unwilling to let the boy go unsatisfied without an answer, the priest takes the boy to a local bishop that knows even more about religion than the priest.
The boy approaches the bishop and asks him the same question again, the bishop has no answer that will satisfy.
The parties seeing that the boy is getting discouraged that no one can answer the question the bishop sends the boy directly to the Vatican to talk to the pope.
This pope was very popular among the people and he knew everything, he was so smart they called him Pope The Wise.
The boy walks up to the pope and asks him the question.
The pope begins to answer but then gets choked up and realized that not even he has the answer for the question.
As all hope was just about to be lost, an old nun walks into the room.
The nun asks the boy to ask her this famous question and the boy does.
The nun formulates the most perfect answer to the boys question.
Almost everyone rejoices and all is good.
Except the pope looks a little upset.
He exclaims “This is impossible! Explain to me how a simple nun could be smarter than me! Pope The Wise?!”
But she was Nun The Wiser.
Friendship
A man who worked for the post office
He goes to his local priest to see if he has an answer.
The boy presents the question and the priest is completely at a loss of words.
The question is so challenging that he could not give an answer.
Unwilling to let the boy go unsatisfied without an answer, the priest takes the boy to a local bishop that knows even more about religion than the priest.
The boy approaches the bishop and asks him the same question again, the bishop has no answer that will satisfy.
The parties seeing that the boy is getting discouraged that no one can answer the question the bishop sends the boy directly to the Vatican to talk to the pope.
This pope was very popular among the people and he knew everything, he was so smart they called him Pope The Wise.
The boy walks up to the pope and asks him the question.
The pope begins to answer but then gets choked up and realized that not even he has the answer for the question.
As all hope was just about to be lost, an old nun walks into the room.
The nun asks the boy to ask her this famous question and the boy does.
The nun formulates the most perfect answer to the boys question.
Almost everyone rejoices and all is good.
Except the pope looks a little upset.
He exclaims “This is impossible! Explain to me how a simple nun could be smarter than me! Pope The Wise?!”
But she was Nun The Wiser.
Friendship
A man who worked for the post office
28.
George was planning on going out with “The Boys” when his wife told him that he wasn’t leaving the house.
George’s Wife: “The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt.”
George: “But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!”
So after begging his old lady for an hour,..
George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced.
After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.
George: “Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!”
Bill, George’s best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill: “All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door.
Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself,
Just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned.”
So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.
Georges wife: “I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!”
George: “Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned.”
His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.
George’s wife: “Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?”
George: “Oh, That’s from the guy who shit in my pants.”
A minister gave a talk to the community center
Three friends who were lost in the forest
George was planning on going out with “The Boys” when his wife told him that he wasn’t leaving the house.
George’s Wife: “The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt.”
George: “But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!”
So after begging his old lady for an hour,..
George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced.
After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.
George: “Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!”
Bill, George’s best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill: “All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door.
Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself,
Just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned.”
So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.
Georges wife: “I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!”
George: “Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned.”
His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.
George’s wife: “Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?”
George: “Oh, That’s from the guy who shit in my pants.”
A minister gave a talk to the community center
Three friends who were lost in the forest
29.
The English teacher called Peter for a graded recitation.
“Peter, recite a sentence that begins with I.”
Peter thought for a moment and slowly said, “I is the…”
The teacher interrupted him and said,
“No, Peter. You say ‘I am’ instead of ‘I is’. Now, try again.”
“Okay,” Peter said. “I am the ninth letter of the English alphabet.”
Three fathers we sitting in a bar
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
The English teacher called Peter for a graded recitation.
“Peter, recite a sentence that begins with I.”
Peter thought for a moment and slowly said, “I is the…”
The teacher interrupted him and said,
“No, Peter. You say ‘I am’ instead of ‘I is’. Now, try again.”
“Okay,” Peter said. “I am the ninth letter of the English alphabet.”
Three fathers we sitting in a bar
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
30.
A husband and wife have four sons.
The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that, the husband passed away.
The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
3 men are playing golf
Johnny Big Head
A husband and wife have four sons.
The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that, the husband passed away.
The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
3 men are playing golf
Johnny Big Head
Tags:
Eng Jokes