1.
A woman goes to the store to buy a parrot as a family pet.
As she walks into the pet shop, she asks the owner, “How much are your parrots?”
The owner replies, “The orange one is $150, the yellow one is $150 and the red one is $30.”
The woman asks, “Why is the red one so cheap?”
The owner replies, “He used to work at a strip club.”
The woman decides to buy the parrot and brings it home to the family.
After bringing it home the parrot says “wow, you have a lovely house.”
The wife then introduces him to the children.
The parrot says, “You have very nice children.”
Finally, when the wife introduces him to her husband, the parrot says, “I haven’t seen him since last week!”
Ethel and Mabel two elderly widows
A man is driving down a country road
A woman goes to the store to buy a parrot as a family pet.
As she walks into the pet shop, she asks the owner, “How much are your parrots?”
The owner replies, “The orange one is $150, the yellow one is $150 and the red one is $30.”
The woman asks, “Why is the red one so cheap?”
The owner replies, “He used to work at a strip club.”
The woman decides to buy the parrot and brings it home to the family.
After bringing it home the parrot says “wow, you have a lovely house.”
The wife then introduces him to the children.
The parrot says, “You have very nice children.”
Finally, when the wife introduces him to her husband, the parrot says, “I haven’t seen him since last week!”
Ethel and Mabel two elderly widows
A man is driving down a country road
2.
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge, enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him… they kiss… and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, ‘Well, how was it?’
The man says, ‘You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.’
A guy is walking down the street
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge, enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him… they kiss… and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, ‘Well, how was it?’
The man says, ‘You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.’
A guy is walking down the street
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar
3.
So, a rich tycoon and his wife are having New Year’s dinner at a very exclusive restaurant, when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says.
“Who in the hell was that?”
“Oh.” Replies the husband.
“She’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s the last straw.” Says the wife.
“I’ve had enough. I want a divorce!”
“I can understand that.” Replies her husband.
“But remember, I have all my money ring-fenced in a way you can’t access it along with our pre-nuptial agreement. So, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club.”
He continues……
“Not only that, but no more diamonds, no more credit cards, and large bank account. But?”
He says. “The decision is all yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Bobby?” Asks the wife.
“That’s his mistress.” Says the husband.
“Oh, ours is much prettier.” She replies.
A old husband and wife went to breakfast
A husband and wife got into a spat
So, a rich tycoon and his wife are having New Year’s dinner at a very exclusive restaurant, when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says.
“Who in the hell was that?”
“Oh.” Replies the husband.
“She’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s the last straw.” Says the wife.
“I’ve had enough. I want a divorce!”
“I can understand that.” Replies her husband.
“But remember, I have all my money ring-fenced in a way you can’t access it along with our pre-nuptial agreement. So, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club.”
He continues……
“Not only that, but no more diamonds, no more credit cards, and large bank account. But?”
He says. “The decision is all yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Bobby?” Asks the wife.
“That’s his mistress.” Says the husband.
“Oh, ours is much prettier.” She replies.
A old husband and wife went to breakfast
A husband and wife got into a spat
4.
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
“Some bum wants to buy a half head of lettuce.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him,
so he ……….added, “And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son?”
” Georgia , sir.” the boy replied.
“Well, why did you leave Georgia ?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but call girl and football players down there.”
“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Georgia .”
“No shit?” replied the boy. “Who’d she play for?”
Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven
Two gorgeous 21 year old twin girls lying on the bed
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
“Some bum wants to buy a half head of lettuce.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him,
so he ……….added, “And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son?”
” Georgia , sir.” the boy replied.
“Well, why did you leave Georgia ?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but call girl and football players down there.”
“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Georgia .”
“No shit?” replied the boy. “Who’d she play for?”
Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven
Two gorgeous 21 year old twin girls lying on the bed
5.
A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.
The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.
When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and gets his tuxedo.
He wants himself and his date to arrive in style, so he looks to rent a limousine for the night.
He goes to the limousine center, and finds a line of people waiting to rent out a limo, but he patiently waits in line, and manages to hire a limo for prom night.
The morning of the prom he decides to buy his date a bunch of flowers.
When he arrives at the florist, he sees a long line of people waiting for their bouquets.
He’s annoyed, but he waits patiently, and manages to buy a big bouquet.
During the prom, everything is going well, the boy is dancing with his date, and having a good time.
His date whispers into his ear to ask if he can get her some fruit punch.
The boy looks over at the table and there was no punchline.
A blonde car gets a flat Tyre
A old lady was walking her dog
A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.
The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.
When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and gets his tuxedo.
He wants himself and his date to arrive in style, so he looks to rent a limousine for the night.
He goes to the limousine center, and finds a line of people waiting to rent out a limo, but he patiently waits in line, and manages to hire a limo for prom night.
The morning of the prom he decides to buy his date a bunch of flowers.
When he arrives at the florist, he sees a long line of people waiting for their bouquets.
He’s annoyed, but he waits patiently, and manages to buy a big bouquet.
During the prom, everything is going well, the boy is dancing with his date, and having a good time.
His date whispers into his ear to ask if he can get her some fruit punch.
The boy looks over at the table and there was no punchline.
A blonde car gets a flat Tyre
A old lady was walking her dog
6.
During a class recitation, the teacher asked the students to identify an animal whose name starts with the letter “K”.
Carl raised his hand and answered, “Kangaroo!”
“Very well”, the teacher said.
“What animal’s name begins with the letter “t”? Carl answered again, “Two Kangaroos!”
The teacher reprimanded the little boy for being gamey.
Then asks for other volunteers for his question, “What is the name of an animal that begins with letter “m”.
There was no response from the other kids.
So when Carl threw his right hand in the air, the teacher gave him a chance to recite.
“This better be correct, Carl.”
Carl smiles and whispers quietly, “Maybe a kangaroo?”
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
A old man came to his doctor office
During a class recitation, the teacher asked the students to identify an animal whose name starts with the letter “K”.
Carl raised his hand and answered, “Kangaroo!”
“Very well”, the teacher said.
“What animal’s name begins with the letter “t”? Carl answered again, “Two Kangaroos!”
The teacher reprimanded the little boy for being gamey.
Then asks for other volunteers for his question, “What is the name of an animal that begins with letter “m”.
There was no response from the other kids.
So when Carl threw his right hand in the air, the teacher gave him a chance to recite.
“This better be correct, Carl.”
Carl smiles and whispers quietly, “Maybe a kangaroo?”
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
A old man came to his doctor office
7.
James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little way up ahead.
“Harry, Harry, how are you?” he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
“Not so good,” says Harry.
“Why, what happened?” James queries.
“Well,” Harry says, “I just went bankrupt and I’ve still got to feed my family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“Could have been worse,” James replies calmly. “Could have been worse.”
A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. “And how are things now?” he asks.
“Terrible!” says Harry. “Our house burned down last night.”
“Could have been worse,” says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.
A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. “Well, how goes it?” he inquires.
“Oh!” says Harry. “Things just get worse and worse. It’s one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!”
Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: “Could’ve been worse.”
This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders.
“Wait a minute!” he says. “I’m not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we’ve run into one another, and every time I’ve told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: ‘Could have been worse.’ This time, for God’s sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven’s name could it have been any worse?”
James smiles at him: “Could have happened to me.”
A man wakes up in a catholic hospital
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together
James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little way up ahead.
“Harry, Harry, how are you?” he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
“Not so good,” says Harry.
“Why, what happened?” James queries.
“Well,” Harry says, “I just went bankrupt and I’ve still got to feed my family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“Could have been worse,” James replies calmly. “Could have been worse.”
A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. “And how are things now?” he asks.
“Terrible!” says Harry. “Our house burned down last night.”
“Could have been worse,” says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.
A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. “Well, how goes it?” he inquires.
“Oh!” says Harry. “Things just get worse and worse. It’s one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!”
Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: “Could’ve been worse.”
This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders.
“Wait a minute!” he says. “I’m not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we’ve run into one another, and every time I’ve told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: ‘Could have been worse.’ This time, for God’s sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven’s name could it have been any worse?”
James smiles at him: “Could have happened to me.”
A man wakes up in a catholic hospital
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together
8.
An older couple were walking on a beach when the husband tripped over a bottle and a genie came out.
“You can each have one wish,” said the genie.
The wife made her wish first “I would like to travel around the world, with my husband,”.
Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world.
Now it was the husbands turn, “Well” said the husband, with a naughty look on his face “I wish I can have a younger companion,”.
The words were barely out of his mouth when poof, he aged 20 years!
Two men met at a bus stop
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant
An older couple were walking on a beach when the husband tripped over a bottle and a genie came out.
“You can each have one wish,” said the genie.
The wife made her wish first “I would like to travel around the world, with my husband,”.
Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world.
Now it was the husbands turn, “Well” said the husband, with a naughty look on his face “I wish I can have a younger companion,”.
The words were barely out of his mouth when poof, he aged 20 years!
Two men met at a bus stop
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant
9.
A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car.
“They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.
“Never mind,” the drunk said with a hiccup.
“I got in the back seat by mistake.”
Sam was the owner of a worldwide
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed
A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car.
“They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.
“Never mind,” the drunk said with a hiccup.
“I got in the back seat by mistake.”
Sam was the owner of a worldwide
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed
10.
The man checked his speed and saw he was going 30mph.
He thought, “Am I crazy, or is this chicken keeping pace with me at 30mph?”
So he sped up 40mph, and to his surprise, the chicken kept running right next to his car.
“This can’t be right.”, the man thought.
“No chicken can run this fast.”
So he sped up to 50mph.
The chicken, amazingly, kept pace with his car the man looked closely at the chicken, and he saw it also had 3 legs.
“A 3 legged chicken, running 50 miles per hour? Am I dreaming? How can this be real?”
So the man sped up to 60mph.
The chicken also sped up and kept pace with his car then, to the man’s astonishment, passed his car and ran a few yards ahead, then suddenly turned hard left down another road without slowing down.
The man hit the brakes, and turned down the road to follow the chicken, but the chicken was out of sight but a little ways down the road, the man saw a farmer out to get his mail.
The man stopped next to the farmer and said, “Hey! Did you just see a 3-legged chicken come tearing down this road at 60 miles per hour?”
The farmer looked at the man and said, “Yup, I saw him he was one of mine.”
“One of yours??”, said the man, incredulous.
“Yup”, said the farmer.
“You see, I raise 3 legged chickens.
I like to eat the drumstick, my wife likes to eat the drumstick, and now our little boy likes to eat the drumstick, so I got tired of us fighting over them and decided to use some selective breeding until I got 3 legged chickens.”
“That’s amazing!”, said the man.
“Well, congratulations on your successful breeding program and how do they taste?”
“Well”, said the farmer.
“I don’t know I’ve never been able to catch one.”
A important race on a new horse
Two nuns were shopping
The man checked his speed and saw he was going 30mph.
He thought, “Am I crazy, or is this chicken keeping pace with me at 30mph?”
So he sped up 40mph, and to his surprise, the chicken kept running right next to his car.
“This can’t be right.”, the man thought.
“No chicken can run this fast.”
So he sped up to 50mph.
The chicken, amazingly, kept pace with his car the man looked closely at the chicken, and he saw it also had 3 legs.
“A 3 legged chicken, running 50 miles per hour? Am I dreaming? How can this be real?”
So the man sped up to 60mph.
The chicken also sped up and kept pace with his car then, to the man’s astonishment, passed his car and ran a few yards ahead, then suddenly turned hard left down another road without slowing down.
The man hit the brakes, and turned down the road to follow the chicken, but the chicken was out of sight but a little ways down the road, the man saw a farmer out to get his mail.
The man stopped next to the farmer and said, “Hey! Did you just see a 3-legged chicken come tearing down this road at 60 miles per hour?”
The farmer looked at the man and said, “Yup, I saw him he was one of mine.”
“One of yours??”, said the man, incredulous.
“Yup”, said the farmer.
“You see, I raise 3 legged chickens.
I like to eat the drumstick, my wife likes to eat the drumstick, and now our little boy likes to eat the drumstick, so I got tired of us fighting over them and decided to use some selective breeding until I got 3 legged chickens.”
“That’s amazing!”, said the man.
“Well, congratulations on your successful breeding program and how do they taste?”
“Well”, said the farmer.
“I don’t know I’ve never been able to catch one.”
A important race on a new horse
Two nuns were shopping
📚 Recommended Posts
Witty And Funny Quotes That Hit RightNever Ending Laughs Jokes That Always
Johnnys Mother Had Three Children Funny
Steve Jobs Quotes 10
Grin And Giggle Hilarious Jokes For
11.
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.
He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explained.
“I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry.
She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can.
She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished.
He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded,
“What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: “Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”
A accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer
A guy goes to the supermarket
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.
He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explained.
“I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry.
She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can.
She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished.
He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded,
“What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: “Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”
A accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer
A guy goes to the supermarket
12.
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes into pee.
The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is.
He can’t help himself and asks Bubba what his secret is.
“Well,” says Bubba,
“Every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my manhood on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.
So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his manhood and whacked it three times on the bedpost.
His wife, half-asleep, said,
“Bubba? Is that you?”
He walks into a bakery to meet with owner
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes into pee.
The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is.
He can’t help himself and asks Bubba what his secret is.
“Well,” says Bubba,
“Every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my manhood on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.
So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his manhood and whacked it three times on the bedpost.
His wife, half-asleep, said,
“Bubba? Is that you?”
He walks into a bakery to meet with owner
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
13.
An 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him
“Grandpa what is couple make love?”
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question,
but decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and enjoys and responsibilities that go with it.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked, “why did you ask, Sweetie?
The little girl replied, “Well, grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”
I was waiting on the sofa
If you let me touch your wife
An 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him
“Grandpa what is couple make love?”
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question,
but decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and enjoys and responsibilities that go with it.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked, “why did you ask, Sweetie?
The little girl replied, “Well, grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”
I was waiting on the sofa
If you let me touch your wife
14.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well… uh… that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second guy smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks,
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
A motorcycle police officer
A man had a parrot of which
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well… uh… that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second guy smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks,
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
A motorcycle police officer
A man had a parrot of which
15.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said,
“My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
He entered their bedroom
A elderly married couple is having problems
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said,
“My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
He entered their bedroom
A elderly married couple is having problems
16.
Alan’s wife called him as he was at in the pub last night.
“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed,
“And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”
“Woooah! That’s bang out of order!”
Alan said, “It’s not his fault.”
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper
A sweet old lady telephoned
Alan’s wife called him as he was at in the pub last night.
“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed,
“And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”
“Woooah! That’s bang out of order!”
Alan said, “It’s not his fault.”
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper
A sweet old lady telephoned
17.
This is Awesome, One smart father goes to his son.
Father: “I want you to marry a girl of my choice”
Son: “I will choose my own bride!”
Father: “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.”
Son: “Well, in that case…ok”
Next – Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: “I have a husband for your daughter.”
Bill Gates: “But my daughter is too young to marry!”
Father: “But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.”
Bill Gates: “Ah, in that case…ok”
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: “I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.”
President: “But I already have more vice – presidents than I need!”
Father: “But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.”
President: “Ah, in that case… ok”
This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything.
But your attitude should be positive. Think Positive.
A husband got a message from his neighbour
There was once a mysterious man
This is Awesome, One smart father goes to his son.
Father: “I want you to marry a girl of my choice”
Son: “I will choose my own bride!”
Father: “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.”
Son: “Well, in that case…ok”
Next – Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: “I have a husband for your daughter.”
Bill Gates: “But my daughter is too young to marry!”
Father: “But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.”
Bill Gates: “Ah, in that case…ok”
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: “I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.”
President: “But I already have more vice – presidents than I need!”
Father: “But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.”
President: “Ah, in that case… ok”
This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything.
But your attitude should be positive. Think Positive.
A husband got a message from his neighbour
There was once a mysterious man
18.
Bob was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Ralph is driving home
A lady goes to the doctor
Bob was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Ralph is driving home
A lady goes to the doctor
19.
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site:
Paddy says to Murphy.
“I’m gonna have the day off,I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!”
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
“I’M A LIGHT BULB! I’M A LIGHT BULB!”
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts!
“Paddy you’re mad, go home!”
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
“Where the hell are you going?” Asks the Foreman.
“I can’t work in the dark!” Says Murphy!
A woman wearing a real tight dress
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site:
Paddy says to Murphy.
“I’m gonna have the day off,I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!”
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
“I’M A LIGHT BULB! I’M A LIGHT BULB!”
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts!
“Paddy you’re mad, go home!”
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
“Where the hell are you going?” Asks the Foreman.
“I can’t work in the dark!” Says Murphy!
A woman wearing a real tight dress
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm
20.
A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers.
A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers.
When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.
“I’ve had mine for twenty years,” she pleaded. “Couldn’t you change yours?”
The company refused, so she said, “Fine. From now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full.”
The company got a new number the next day.
A neighbor asked his friend
A waiter brings the customer the steak
A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers.
A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers.
When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.
“I’ve had mine for twenty years,” she pleaded. “Couldn’t you change yours?”
The company refused, so she said, “Fine. From now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full.”
The company got a new number the next day.
A neighbor asked his friend
A waiter brings the customer the steak
📚 Recommended Posts
Witty And Funny Quotes That Hit RightNever Ending Laughs Jokes That Always
Johnnys Mother Had Three Children Funny
Steve Jobs Quotes 10
Grin And Giggle Hilarious Jokes For
21.
Two elderly nuns, Sister Dulce and Sister Andrea are on their way back from the market one evening.
It’s already very late, and they have quite a distance left before reaching their convent.
Suddenly, Sister Dulce grabs hold of Sister Andrea’s arm.
“Is it just me,” she asks, “or is that man following us?”
Sister Andrea glances over her shoulder, then whispers back.
“I think he might be, yes!” “What do you think he wants?!”
Isn’t it obvious?” asks Sister Andrea.
“He’s going to r*pe us! What should we do?!”
I know,” replies Sister Dulce.
“We’ll split up I’ll take the left road to the convent, and you take the one on the right.”
The nuns part ways, and a few minutes later, Sister Dulce arrives at the convent.
She starts pacing in front of the door, worried that some terrible fate has befallen the other nun.
Then, just as Sister Dulce is about to give up hope, she sees Sister Andrea running up the path.
“What happened?!” asks Sister Dulce.
“Well,” replies Sister Andrea, “I started running, and the man started chasing me.”
“Oh, no! Then what?!”
“He caught up to me.” Sister Dulce gasps.
“What did you do?!” “The only thing I could do,” Sister Andrea answers.
The Magical Lamp
She got to the pearly gates
Two elderly nuns, Sister Dulce and Sister Andrea are on their way back from the market one evening.
It’s already very late, and they have quite a distance left before reaching their convent.
Suddenly, Sister Dulce grabs hold of Sister Andrea’s arm.
“Is it just me,” she asks, “or is that man following us?”
Sister Andrea glances over her shoulder, then whispers back.
“I think he might be, yes!” “What do you think he wants?!”
Isn’t it obvious?” asks Sister Andrea.
“He’s going to r*pe us! What should we do?!”
I know,” replies Sister Dulce.
“We’ll split up I’ll take the left road to the convent, and you take the one on the right.”
The nuns part ways, and a few minutes later, Sister Dulce arrives at the convent.
She starts pacing in front of the door, worried that some terrible fate has befallen the other nun.
Then, just as Sister Dulce is about to give up hope, she sees Sister Andrea running up the path.
“What happened?!” asks Sister Dulce.
“Well,” replies Sister Andrea, “I started running, and the man started chasing me.”
“Oh, no! Then what?!”
“He caught up to me.” Sister Dulce gasps.
“What did you do?!” “The only thing I could do,” Sister Andrea answers.
The Magical Lamp
She got to the pearly gates
22.
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.
After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight”, he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it – only to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”.
A wife found her husband standing
The old man says to the woman
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.
After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight”, he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it – only to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”.
A wife found her husband standing
The old man says to the woman
23.
A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.
She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his bared patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
“Miss Smith,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”
A Amish Lady Driving Her Horse-Drawn Buggy
A old man was having his annual checkup
A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.
She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his bared patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
“Miss Smith,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”
A Amish Lady Driving Her Horse-Drawn Buggy
A old man was having his annual checkup
24.
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees wasn’t in and had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper: “Hello?”
“Is your daddy home?” He asked.
“Yes.” Whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?”
The child whispered. “No.”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked. “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes.”
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered. “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked.
“Is anybody else there?”
“Yes.” Whispered the child. “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked.
“May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy.” Whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.” Came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked.
“What is that noise?”
“A helicopter.” Answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” Demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered.
“The search team just landed a helicopter.”
Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated the boss asked: “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle “Me.”
A Football team was on the field during practice
A lost dog strays into a jungle
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees wasn’t in and had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper: “Hello?”
“Is your daddy home?” He asked.
“Yes.” Whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?”
The child whispered. “No.”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked. “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes.”
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered. “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked.
“Is anybody else there?”
“Yes.” Whispered the child. “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked.
“May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy.” Whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.” Came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked.
“What is that noise?”
“A helicopter.” Answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” Demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered.
“The search team just landed a helicopter.”
Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated the boss asked: “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle “Me.”
A Football team was on the field during practice
A lost dog strays into a jungle
25.
Little James is at a horse auction with his father.
He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, backside.
After a few minutes, little James asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
Nodding, his father replies, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I make a decision.”
Little James looks worried.
Finally, he says, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
A large cage containing a male rat
Little James is at a horse auction with his father.
He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, backside.
After a few minutes, little James asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
Nodding, his father replies, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I make a decision.”
Little James looks worried.
Finally, he says, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
A large cage containing a male rat
26.
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him.
“Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
“I know” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”
A couple married for over 50 years
Two men were walking home
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him.
“Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
“I know” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”
A couple married for over 50 years
Two men were walking home
27.
A couple is throwing a dinner party and the husband who is very thin and bony is walking around the house wearing only his boxers.
His wife comes out of the kitchen and says,
“Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on.”
“Oh no, I won’t,” he says.
“I want everybody to see how you feed your husband…”
“Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there’s nothing that I should feed you for.”
A woman entered the pharmacy
A Football team was on the field
A couple is throwing a dinner party and the husband who is very thin and bony is walking around the house wearing only his boxers.
His wife comes out of the kitchen and says,
“Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on.”
“Oh no, I won’t,” he says.
“I want everybody to see how you feed your husband…”
“Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there’s nothing that I should feed you for.”
A woman entered the pharmacy
A Football team was on the field
28.
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed.
Suddenly, at 4 o’clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man:
“Oh No! That must be my husband!
The man quickly got out of bed, panicked and undressed.
He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed on the ground, picked himself up and went straight through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run as fast as he could to his car…
A few minutes later the door opened and the man was standing at it, panting hard, with dirt and scratches all over him.
He yelled: “I’m your husband, you mad cow!”
And the woman answered:
“Oh, yeah? And why were you running, you bastard?!?”
A couple were having problems remembering things
A Indian boy goes to his mother
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed.
Suddenly, at 4 o’clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man:
“Oh No! That must be my husband!
The man quickly got out of bed, panicked and undressed.
He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed on the ground, picked himself up and went straight through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run as fast as he could to his car…
A few minutes later the door opened and the man was standing at it, panting hard, with dirt and scratches all over him.
He yelled: “I’m your husband, you mad cow!”
And the woman answered:
“Oh, yeah? And why were you running, you bastard?!?”
A couple were having problems remembering things
A Indian boy goes to his mother
29.
A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe.
When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.
“That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”
Two women were playing a round of golf
A guy walks into the human resources department
A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe.
When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.
“That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”
Two women were playing a round of golf
A guy walks into the human resources department
30.
After 25 years of marriage, I took a look at my wife one day and said:
“Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a big bed and a big-screen plasma TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
But my wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she’d make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.
A blonde went to the hospital
A woman phones up her husband
After 25 years of marriage, I took a look at my wife one day and said:
“Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a big bed and a big-screen plasma TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
But my wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she’d make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.
A blonde went to the hospital
A woman phones up her husband
Tags:
Eng Jokes