1.
The retired guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts.”
The doctor replies, “OK. Touch your elbow.”
The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doctor, surprised, then states, “Touch your head.”
The guy touches his head and jumps in agony.
The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts a lot.
The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc.
He tells the guy to come back in two days.
Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, “We’ve found your problem.”
“Oh yeah? What is it?” asks the retiree.
“You’ve broken your finger!”
A woman went to her dentist
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist
The retired guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts.”
The doctor replies, “OK. Touch your elbow.”
The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doctor, surprised, then states, “Touch your head.”
The guy touches his head and jumps in agony.
The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts a lot.
The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc.
He tells the guy to come back in two days.
Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, “We’ve found your problem.”
“Oh yeah? What is it?” asks the retiree.
“You’ve broken your finger!”
A woman went to her dentist
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist
2.
A boss said to his secretary
I want to have make love with you
I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I’ll be done.
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but “Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn’t even have enough time to undressed himself.”
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened?
She responds, “The Bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still bang.
A little boy walks in on his parents
The son asks the father
A boss said to his secretary
I want to have make love with you
I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I’ll be done.
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but “Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn’t even have enough time to undressed himself.”
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened?
She responds, “The Bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still bang.
A little boy walks in on his parents
The son asks the father
3.
A man and his wife were at odds and not talking to each other.
In the evening, the man suddenly remembered that he needed his wife to wake him up the next day at 5 am so he could make it in time for a business flight.
Since he did not want to be the first to break the silence, he wrote to her on a piece of paper “Please wake me up at 5 am” and left the note on the bedside table.
The next morning the man woke up only to find that it was nine o’clock and he had missed the flight.
He jumped out of bed furiously to find out why his wife had not awakened him and came across a note on his bedside table.
The note read: “it’s 5 o’clock, wake up.”
Peter comes very drunk home
One man was reading the newspaper
A man and his wife were at odds and not talking to each other.
In the evening, the man suddenly remembered that he needed his wife to wake him up the next day at 5 am so he could make it in time for a business flight.
Since he did not want to be the first to break the silence, he wrote to her on a piece of paper “Please wake me up at 5 am” and left the note on the bedside table.
The next morning the man woke up only to find that it was nine o’clock and he had missed the flight.
He jumped out of bed furiously to find out why his wife had not awakened him and came across a note on his bedside table.
The note read: “it’s 5 o’clock, wake up.”
Peter comes very drunk home
One man was reading the newspaper
4.
Moishe the Carpenter, returning home with his week’s wages, was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street.
“Take my money,” said Moishe, “but do me a favour: shoot a bullet through my hat otherwise my wife won’t believe I was robbed.”
The robber obliged he threw Moishe’s hat into the air and put a bullet through it.
“Let’s make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers,” said Moishe, “otherwise my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of holes through my coat.”
So the robber shot a number of holes through the carpenter’s coat “And now?”
“Sorry,” interrupted the robber “No more holes I’m out of bullets.”
“That’s all I wanted to know!” said Moishe “Now hand me back my money and some more for the hat and coat that you’ve ruined or I’ll beat you black and blue!”
The robber threw down the money and ran.
Once upon a time an old man
A certain Rabbi
Moishe the Carpenter, returning home with his week’s wages, was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street.
“Take my money,” said Moishe, “but do me a favour: shoot a bullet through my hat otherwise my wife won’t believe I was robbed.”
The robber obliged he threw Moishe’s hat into the air and put a bullet through it.
“Let’s make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers,” said Moishe, “otherwise my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of holes through my coat.”
So the robber shot a number of holes through the carpenter’s coat “And now?”
“Sorry,” interrupted the robber “No more holes I’m out of bullets.”
“That’s all I wanted to know!” said Moishe “Now hand me back my money and some more for the hat and coat that you’ve ruined or I’ll beat you black and blue!”
The robber threw down the money and ran.
Once upon a time an old man
A certain Rabbi
5.
A wife woke up from her night’s sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband.
“I dreamt they were auctioning off weapon in this place, “she began, “the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20.”
“How about the ones like mine?” asked her husband.
“Those they gave away,” she replied tongue in cheek.
“I had a dream too,” started the husband.
“I dreamt they were auctioning off fannies. The pretty ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!”
“And how much for the ones like mine?” required the wife to her husband.
“That’s where they held the auction,” he replied.
A young couple decided to wed
A Russian couple are walking
A wife woke up from her night’s sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband.
“I dreamt they were auctioning off weapon in this place, “she began, “the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20.”
“How about the ones like mine?” asked her husband.
“Those they gave away,” she replied tongue in cheek.
“I had a dream too,” started the husband.
“I dreamt they were auctioning off fannies. The pretty ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!”
“And how much for the ones like mine?” required the wife to her husband.
“That’s where they held the auction,” he replied.
A young couple decided to wed
A Russian couple are walking
6.
Johnny went to confession, at the beginning of Lent….
“Bless me Father for I have sinned.
It has been 3 months since my last confession.
In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred times, and played with a girl’s private parts.”
“Played with a girl’s private parts!” exclaimed the priest.
“Whoa, that’s pretty serious.
For your penance say three rosaries and wash your hands in holy water.”
So Johnny knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious incantations of the three rosaries.
Then he made the trek up to the holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers.
When the girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and says, “Move over, pal. I gotta gargle….”
A man is talking to his best friend
I smelled something funny
Johnny went to confession, at the beginning of Lent….
“Bless me Father for I have sinned.
It has been 3 months since my last confession.
In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred times, and played with a girl’s private parts.”
“Played with a girl’s private parts!” exclaimed the priest.
“Whoa, that’s pretty serious.
For your penance say three rosaries and wash your hands in holy water.”
So Johnny knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious incantations of the three rosaries.
Then he made the trek up to the holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers.
When the girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and says, “Move over, pal. I gotta gargle….”
A man is talking to his best friend
I smelled something funny
7.
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
“My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?”
Husband “Because he’s thinking to get married.”
A guy is reading his paper when his wife
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
“My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?”
Husband “Because he’s thinking to get married.”
A guy is reading his paper when his wife
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
8.
A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a bread stick in his right ear.
He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?”
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”
He rubs it and a Genie emerges
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident
A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a bread stick in his right ear.
He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?”
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”
He rubs it and a Genie emerges
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident
9.
He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.
He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No”, he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.”
The intrigued women says “A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?”
Bond explains “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically”.
The lady says “Whats it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you are not wearing any underwear.”
The women giggles and replies, “Well , it must be broken because I am wearing underwear”
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, “Bloody thing’s an hour fast.”
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known
The old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon
He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.
He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No”, he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.”
The intrigued women says “A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?”
Bond explains “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically”.
The lady says “Whats it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you are not wearing any underwear.”
The women giggles and replies, “Well , it must be broken because I am wearing underwear”
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, “Bloody thing’s an hour fast.”
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known
The old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon
10.
Nurse: “How old are you?”
Patient: “None of your business.”
Nurse: “But the doctor must know your age for his records. Please, just tell me, I’m going to find it out anyway.”
Patient: “Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?”
Nurse: “Yes. Fifty.”
Patient: “All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?”
Nurse: “Zero.”
Patient: “Right. And that’s exactly the chance of me telling you my age.”
9-year old son comes home
A Italian girl tells her Mom
Nurse: “How old are you?”
Patient: “None of your business.”
Nurse: “But the doctor must know your age for his records. Please, just tell me, I’m going to find it out anyway.”
Patient: “Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?”
Nurse: “Yes. Fifty.”
Patient: “All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?”
Nurse: “Zero.”
Patient: “Right. And that’s exactly the chance of me telling you my age.”
9-year old son comes home
A Italian girl tells her Mom
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11.
A blonde decides to make an experiment.
She gets a spider, and pulls of two legs and tells it to walk.
It walks a few steps, so she removes another two legs and asks it to walk.
It walks a few more steps, so she yanks off another two legs and tells it to walk.
It walks, so she removes the last two legs and tells it to walk.
Nothing happens, so she asks it again to walk.
It doesn’t move so she comes up with a conclusion.
Spiders with no legs are deaf.
A farmer walked into a bar
She goes to doctor
A blonde decides to make an experiment.
She gets a spider, and pulls of two legs and tells it to walk.
It walks a few steps, so she removes another two legs and asks it to walk.
It walks a few more steps, so she yanks off another two legs and tells it to walk.
It walks, so she removes the last two legs and tells it to walk.
Nothing happens, so she asks it again to walk.
It doesn’t move so she comes up with a conclusion.
Spiders with no legs are deaf.
A farmer walked into a bar
She goes to doctor
12.
Johnny went to school one day and later that day his dad got a call saying he needs to pick up his son because he had had bang with a teacher.
When Johnny got home his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike.
When they bought the bike Johnny was offered to ride the bike but he declined it and replied with my bum still hurts.
Superman and flash were in the living room
A guy goes on to a ship
Johnny went to school one day and later that day his dad got a call saying he needs to pick up his son because he had had bang with a teacher.
When Johnny got home his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike.
When they bought the bike Johnny was offered to ride the bike but he declined it and replied with my bum still hurts.
Superman and flash were in the living room
A guy goes on to a ship
13.
It was three o’clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.
“Please come quickly,” she yelled,
“I just saw a pant less man outside my window!”
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady’s room.
“Where is he?” asked the receptionist.
“He’s over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.
“It’s probably a man who’s getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly.
“And how do you know he’s undressed, you can only see him from the waist up?”
“The dresser, honey!” screamed the old lady.
“Try standing on the dresser!”
A man went to his doctor and asked
Two elderly ladies are sitting
It was three o’clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.
“Please come quickly,” she yelled,
“I just saw a pant less man outside my window!”
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady’s room.
“Where is he?” asked the receptionist.
“He’s over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.
“It’s probably a man who’s getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly.
“And how do you know he’s undressed, you can only see him from the waist up?”
“The dresser, honey!” screamed the old lady.
“Try standing on the dresser!”
A man went to his doctor and asked
Two elderly ladies are sitting
14.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
The dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism.
Your mother, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the government.
We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people.
The nanny, we’ll consider her the working class.
And your baby brother, we’ll call him the future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper.
The little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”
The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while capitalism is lovemaking the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.”
A farmer and his wife were laying
Jimmy got home early from school
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
The dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism.
Your mother, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the government.
We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people.
The nanny, we’ll consider her the working class.
And your baby brother, we’ll call him the future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper.
The little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”
The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while capitalism is lovemaking the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.”
A farmer and his wife were laying
Jimmy got home early from school
15.
An ugly old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.”
Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.”
Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy says “It’s a private part willow.”
Old man says “Wait up … I’ll get my hat.”
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic
An ugly old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.”
Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.”
Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy says “It’s a private part willow.”
Old man says “Wait up … I’ll get my hat.”
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic
16.
A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man,
“Do you smoke or drink?”
“No,” he replied.
“I’ve never done either.”
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women? ” inquired the doctor.
“No, I’ve never done any of those things either.”
“Well then,” said the doctor,
“what do you want to live to be a hundred for?
A pastor
The expensive printer photocopier
A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man,
“Do you smoke or drink?”
“No,” he replied.
“I’ve never done either.”
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women? ” inquired the doctor.
“No, I’ve never done any of those things either.”
“Well then,” said the doctor,
“what do you want to live to be a hundred for?
A pastor
The expensive printer photocopier
17.
There was an old lady who was very small,
Her name was Reanne but everyone called her Re.
After a while Re died of old age and the whole town was dismayed.
Re was so small that her family didn’t bury her and instead later her to rest in a flower.
When the town folks came by to pay their respects they were surprised that instead of an old lady in the flower they saw a tiny baby looking around.
When the townsfolk asked the family they simply responded:
“That’s normal, that’s just Re in carnation”
A magician was working on a cruise ship
One day a little boy gets on a bus
There was an old lady who was very small,
Her name was Reanne but everyone called her Re.
After a while Re died of old age and the whole town was dismayed.
Re was so small that her family didn’t bury her and instead later her to rest in a flower.
When the town folks came by to pay their respects they were surprised that instead of an old lady in the flower they saw a tiny baby looking around.
When the townsfolk asked the family they simply responded:
“That’s normal, that’s just Re in carnation”
A magician was working on a cruise ship
One day a little boy gets on a bus
18.
A couple is in bed sleeping when there’s a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it’s half past 3 in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there’s a man standing there. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost. It’s half past three and I was in bed,” says the man as he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, “That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife.” He needs our help and it’s the right thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”
And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” The drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.”
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son
A couple were making their first doctor visit
A couple is in bed sleeping when there’s a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it’s half past 3 in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there’s a man standing there. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost. It’s half past three and I was in bed,” says the man as he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, “That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife.” He needs our help and it’s the right thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”
And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” The drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.”
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son
A couple were making their first doctor visit
19.
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read “Puppies For Sale.”
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner’s sign.
“How much are you going to sell the puppies for?” he asked.
The store owner replied, “Anywhere from $30 to $50.”
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change.
“I have $2.37,” he said,
“Can I please look at them?”
The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind.
Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, “What’s wrong with that little dog?”
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn’t have a hip socket.
It would always limp.
It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited.
“That is the puppy that I want to buy.”
The store owner said, “No, you don’t want to buy that little dog If you really want him, I’ll just give him to you.”
The little boy got quite upset.
He looked straight into the store owner’s eyes, pointing his finger, and said, “I don’t want you to give him to me
That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I’ll pay full price in fact, I’ll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for.”
The store owner countered, “You really don’t want to buy this little dog.He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies.”
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace.
He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, “Well, I don’t run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!”
We ALL need someone who Understands!
Mrs Jones told her pastor
Johnny was sitting in class
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read “Puppies For Sale.”
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner’s sign.
“How much are you going to sell the puppies for?” he asked.
The store owner replied, “Anywhere from $30 to $50.”
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change.
“I have $2.37,” he said,
“Can I please look at them?”
The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind.
Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, “What’s wrong with that little dog?”
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn’t have a hip socket.
It would always limp.
It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited.
“That is the puppy that I want to buy.”
The store owner said, “No, you don’t want to buy that little dog If you really want him, I’ll just give him to you.”
The little boy got quite upset.
He looked straight into the store owner’s eyes, pointing his finger, and said, “I don’t want you to give him to me
That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I’ll pay full price in fact, I’ll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for.”
The store owner countered, “You really don’t want to buy this little dog.He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies.”
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace.
He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, “Well, I don’t run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!”
We ALL need someone who Understands!
Mrs Jones told her pastor
Johnny was sitting in class
20.
The doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’ about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’
A elderly couple had been experiencing
A man and his son were walking together
The doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’ about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’
A elderly couple had been experiencing
A man and his son were walking together
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21.
Two old retired men are sitting on the bench watching the time go by.
There is an old hound dog lying on the ground in front of them.
The old dog lifts it’s hind leg and begins to lick his privates as dogs always seem to do.
One of the old men says to the other, “Boy, I sure wish I could do that.”
After a short pause, the other old man says, “Well, go ahead, he looks like a friendly dog!”
Three contractors were submitting estimates
Two men waiting at the pearly gates
Two old retired men are sitting on the bench watching the time go by.
There is an old hound dog lying on the ground in front of them.
The old dog lifts it’s hind leg and begins to lick his privates as dogs always seem to do.
One of the old men says to the other, “Boy, I sure wish I could do that.”
After a short pause, the other old man says, “Well, go ahead, he looks like a friendly dog!”
Three contractors were submitting estimates
Two men waiting at the pearly gates
22.
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.
He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was driving’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”
“Er.. about two minutes ago.”
He immediately turns to her
A elderly lady was well-known
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.
He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was driving’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”
“Er.. about two minutes ago.”
He immediately turns to her
A elderly lady was well-known
23.
Two deaf people get married.
During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution.
“Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have lovemaking with me, reach over and squeeze my left melons one time.
If you don’t want to have lovemaking, reach over and squeeze my right melons one time.”
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea! Now if you want to have lovemaking with ME, reach over and pull on my weapon one time and if you don’t want to have lovemaking, reach over and pull on my weapon… fifty times!”
A elderly couple had been dating
A married couple in their early
Two deaf people get married.
During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution.
“Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have lovemaking with me, reach over and squeeze my left melons one time.
If you don’t want to have lovemaking, reach over and squeeze my right melons one time.”
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea! Now if you want to have lovemaking with ME, reach over and pull on my weapon one time and if you don’t want to have lovemaking, reach over and pull on my weapon… fifty times!”
A elderly couple had been dating
A married couple in their early
24.
They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.
Fred asks Harold, “Are you still going to that memory clinic?”
Harold says, “Yes, it’s been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session.”
“What do they do there?”, asks Fred.
“They teach us to remember things through word association”, replies Harold.
Fred says, “I might have to give it a try, what’s the name of the clinic?”
Harold pauses for a while, trying to remember.
He says, “Umm, ahh, hang on… um… what’s the name of that beautiful flower, the one that has thorns?”
Fred says, “That’d be a rose, Harold.”
Harold turns to his wife and says, Rose!, what’s the name of that clinic I go to?
Susan spoke to the insurance agent
A guard dog
They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.
Fred asks Harold, “Are you still going to that memory clinic?”
Harold says, “Yes, it’s been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session.”
“What do they do there?”, asks Fred.
“They teach us to remember things through word association”, replies Harold.
Fred says, “I might have to give it a try, what’s the name of the clinic?”
Harold pauses for a while, trying to remember.
He says, “Umm, ahh, hang on… um… what’s the name of that beautiful flower, the one that has thorns?”
Fred says, “That’d be a rose, Harold.”
Harold turns to his wife and says, Rose!, what’s the name of that clinic I go to?
Susan spoke to the insurance agent
A guard dog
25.
The 8-year-old girl is asking her mother:
Mom, what is make love?
Mother is not ready for this conversation but she decides to explain everything in details to make sure her daughter gets the information in the safest possible way.
The girl listens without interruption and asks mother again:
Ok, Mom, I got it. Am I supposed to draw this in this tiny box in admission form?
Grandchildren asked their grandfather
A man walks into a bar
The 8-year-old girl is asking her mother:
Mom, what is make love?
Mother is not ready for this conversation but she decides to explain everything in details to make sure her daughter gets the information in the safest possible way.
The girl listens without interruption and asks mother again:
Ok, Mom, I got it. Am I supposed to draw this in this tiny box in admission form?
Grandchildren asked their grandfather
A man walks into a bar
26.
So an older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend .
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
“Here’s a stunning ring at only ££40,000”, the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.
“I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
“There’s no money in that account.”
“I know”, said the old man,
“but can you imagine the weekend I had?”
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar
The owner of a golf course was confused
So an older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend .
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
“Here’s a stunning ring at only ££40,000”, the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.
“I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
“There’s no money in that account.”
“I know”, said the old man,
“but can you imagine the weekend I had?”
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar
The owner of a golf course was confused
27.
About 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably
She gets up and starts to look for him.
He’s not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen
As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffles coming from the basement.
She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him
Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically.
She runs over to him and asks why he is crying.
He says, “Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?”
She looks at him and says, “Yes”.
He says, “Well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail.”
She says, “I already know that
I don’t see what the problem is.”
He says, “Don’t you see!!! I would have gotten out today!”
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store
A mother took her little boy to church
About 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably
She gets up and starts to look for him.
He’s not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen
As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffles coming from the basement.
She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him
Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically.
She runs over to him and asks why he is crying.
He says, “Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?”
She looks at him and says, “Yes”.
He says, “Well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail.”
She says, “I already know that
I don’t see what the problem is.”
He says, “Don’t you see!!! I would have gotten out today!”
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store
A mother took her little boy to church
28.
Jim grabbed his suitcase off the luggage carousel and headed outside to hail a taxi.
A taxi promptly picked him up and they were on there way.
Twenty minutes into the ride Jim had a question for the taxi driver, “Excuse me sir” said Jim tapping the driver on the shoulder.
“AHHHH HHH” screamed the taxi driver swerving the taxi across three lanes of traffic finally stopping the car on the opposite shoulder.
“What the heck was that all about?” demanded Jim thoroughly shaken.
“I’m sorry,” said the taxi driver, wiping his brow, “this is my first day on the job, I’ve been driving a hearse for the last fifty years!”
A employee approached his boss
A man gathered all of his children
Jim grabbed his suitcase off the luggage carousel and headed outside to hail a taxi.
A taxi promptly picked him up and they were on there way.
Twenty minutes into the ride Jim had a question for the taxi driver, “Excuse me sir” said Jim tapping the driver on the shoulder.
“AHHHH HHH” screamed the taxi driver swerving the taxi across three lanes of traffic finally stopping the car on the opposite shoulder.
“What the heck was that all about?” demanded Jim thoroughly shaken.
“I’m sorry,” said the taxi driver, wiping his brow, “this is my first day on the job, I’ve been driving a hearse for the last fifty years!”
A employee approached his boss
A man gathered all of his children
29.
This is said to be a favorite story of Lyndon Johnson’s.
A preacher was becoming terribly distracted by a man who came to church every Sunday and slept through the entire sermon.
One Sunday the preacher decided to do something about it.
As he began to preach, the man, true to form, fell fast asleep.
Whereupon the preacher said quietly, “Everyone who wants to go to heaven, stand up.”
The entire congregation immediately stood up, except the sleeping man.
When they sat down, the preacher shouted at the top of his voice, “Everyone who want to go to hell, stand up.”
This startled the dozing man.
Still half asleep, he jumped up, looked around to see what was going on, then said to the preacher.
“I don’t know what we’re voting on but it looks like you and I are the only ones in favor of it.”
Drunken Lady
A judge was interviewing a woman
This is said to be a favorite story of Lyndon Johnson’s.
A preacher was becoming terribly distracted by a man who came to church every Sunday and slept through the entire sermon.
One Sunday the preacher decided to do something about it.
As he began to preach, the man, true to form, fell fast asleep.
Whereupon the preacher said quietly, “Everyone who wants to go to heaven, stand up.”
The entire congregation immediately stood up, except the sleeping man.
When they sat down, the preacher shouted at the top of his voice, “Everyone who want to go to hell, stand up.”
This startled the dozing man.
Still half asleep, he jumped up, looked around to see what was going on, then said to the preacher.
“I don’t know what we’re voting on but it looks like you and I are the only ones in favor of it.”
Drunken Lady
A judge was interviewing a woman
30.
A certain king of Spain who was very proud of his ancestors was known for his cruelty toward those who were weaker than him.
Once he was travelling with his retinue over a field in Aragon where years ago he had lost his father in a battle,
when he came upon a holy man rummaging through an enormous pile of bones.
“What are you up to there?” asked the king.
“All honor to Your Majesty!” said the holy man.
“When I heard that the king of Spain was coming here, I decided to gather the bones of your deceased father and deliver them to you but no matter how hard I look, I cannot find them, they are just the same as the bones of peasants, the poor, beggars and slaves.”
The teacher begins her lesson
Santa was traveling in a train
A certain king of Spain who was very proud of his ancestors was known for his cruelty toward those who were weaker than him.
Once he was travelling with his retinue over a field in Aragon where years ago he had lost his father in a battle,
when he came upon a holy man rummaging through an enormous pile of bones.
“What are you up to there?” asked the king.
“All honor to Your Majesty!” said the holy man.
“When I heard that the king of Spain was coming here, I decided to gather the bones of your deceased father and deliver them to you but no matter how hard I look, I cannot find them, they are just the same as the bones of peasants, the poor, beggars and slaves.”
The teacher begins her lesson
Santa was traveling in a train
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