1.
Three men are sitting on a park bench, enjoying the weather and bragging about their wives.
Saw nothing the first day.
The first man, tool, married a woman from Kentucky, and told her in no uncertain terms:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”
He didn’t see any changes on the first day.
But on the second day, the house was clean and tidy.
Saw nothing
The second man, Brandon, married a woman from Virginia, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see any changes, and not on the second day either.
But on the third day, it was as he had asked.
The third brother, John, married a woman from Texas, and had said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see anything, and not on the second or third day either.
On the fourth day, he could see a little bit with his left eye, and had just enough mobility in his right hand to make himself a sandwich and put the dishes in the dishwasher…
A man sits down on a bar stool
A man standing at a urinal
Three men are sitting on a park bench, enjoying the weather and bragging about their wives.
Saw nothing the first day.
The first man, tool, married a woman from Kentucky, and told her in no uncertain terms:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”
He didn’t see any changes on the first day.
But on the second day, the house was clean and tidy.
Saw nothing
The second man, Brandon, married a woman from Virginia, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see any changes, and not on the second day either.
But on the third day, it was as he had asked.
The third brother, John, married a woman from Texas, and had said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see anything, and not on the second or third day either.
On the fourth day, he could see a little bit with his left eye, and had just enough mobility in his right hand to make himself a sandwich and put the dishes in the dishwasher…
A man sits down on a bar stool
A man standing at a urinal
2.
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
She asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”
“NO!” the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”
Again, the answer was, “NO!”
Now she was smiling. Hey, they’re getting it, she thought!
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” she asked.
Again, they all answered, “NO!”
She was just bursting with pride for them.
“Well,” she continued,
“then how can I get into Heaven?”
A five-year-old little Johnny shouted out,
“YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.”
He was a widower and she was a widow
A man was sick and tired
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
She asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”
“NO!” the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”
Again, the answer was, “NO!”
Now she was smiling. Hey, they’re getting it, she thought!
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” she asked.
Again, they all answered, “NO!”
She was just bursting with pride for them.
“Well,” she continued,
“then how can I get into Heaven?”
A five-year-old little Johnny shouted out,
“YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.”
He was a widower and she was a widow
A man was sick and tired
3.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs
Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, “Yes, yes but does she still have the hiccups?”
I left three envelopes in your desk
A group of devils
After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs
Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, “Yes, yes but does she still have the hiccups?”
I left three envelopes in your desk
A group of devils
4.
“A 24 year old boy seeing out from the train’s window shouted…
Dad smiled and a young couple sitting nearby, looked at the 24 year old’s childish behavior with pity, suddenly he again exclaimed.
‘Dad, look the clouds are running with us!’
The couple couldn’t resist and said to the old man…
‘Why don’t you take your son to a good doctor?’
The old man smiled and said…’I did and we are just coming from the hospital, my son was blind from birth, he just got his eyes today.’
Every single person on the planet has a story, Don’t judge people before you truly know them.
The truth might surprise you.”
The priest got a brilliant idea
Frank was excited about his new rifle
“A 24 year old boy seeing out from the train’s window shouted…
Dad smiled and a young couple sitting nearby, looked at the 24 year old’s childish behavior with pity, suddenly he again exclaimed.
‘Dad, look the clouds are running with us!’
The couple couldn’t resist and said to the old man…
‘Why don’t you take your son to a good doctor?’
The old man smiled and said…’I did and we are just coming from the hospital, my son was blind from birth, he just got his eyes today.’
Every single person on the planet has a story, Don’t judge people before you truly know them.
The truth might surprise you.”
The priest got a brilliant idea
Frank was excited about his new rifle
5.
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed undressed, with a lovely young girl.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.”
The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn’t like”.
“She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you’d discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday–the one you never wore because the colours didn’t suit you”.
“Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now”.
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered.
“That’s all fine and good,” she said.
“But why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?”
The husband replied, “Well, that’s simple See, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
They go to see their doctor
Johnny greeted his mother at the door
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed undressed, with a lovely young girl.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.”
The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn’t like”.
“She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you’d discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday–the one you never wore because the colours didn’t suit you”.
“Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now”.
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered.
“That’s all fine and good,” she said.
“But why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?”
The husband replied, “Well, that’s simple See, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
They go to see their doctor
Johnny greeted his mother at the door
6.
An elderly lady went to the doctor and asked for his help in reviving her husband’s passion.
“Why don’t you give him tablet?” the doctor asked.
“Oh, no,” the woman replied.
“He doesn’t even take aspirin for a headache!”
“That’s not a problem,” the doctor told her.
“Just crush up the pill and slip it into his coffee. He’ll never even know.”
Several days later, the old woman returned to the doctor, and he asked her if his suggestions worked.
“Oh, Doctor!” she exclaimed. “It was horrible! I did just as you said and as soon as he finished his coffee, he jumped up from the table, ripped off my clothes and took me right there on the table, we made love for a whole hour!!”
“And that was horrible?” the doctor asked, puzzled.
“Oh, the love making was wonderful!” the old woman exclaimed…
“But I can never show my face in that coffee shop again!”
A priest walked into a barber shop
A guy went to a psychiatrist
An elderly lady went to the doctor and asked for his help in reviving her husband’s passion.
“Why don’t you give him tablet?” the doctor asked.
“Oh, no,” the woman replied.
“He doesn’t even take aspirin for a headache!”
“That’s not a problem,” the doctor told her.
“Just crush up the pill and slip it into his coffee. He’ll never even know.”
Several days later, the old woman returned to the doctor, and he asked her if his suggestions worked.
“Oh, Doctor!” she exclaimed. “It was horrible! I did just as you said and as soon as he finished his coffee, he jumped up from the table, ripped off my clothes and took me right there on the table, we made love for a whole hour!!”
“And that was horrible?” the doctor asked, puzzled.
“Oh, the love making was wonderful!” the old woman exclaimed…
“But I can never show my face in that coffee shop again!”
A priest walked into a barber shop
A guy went to a psychiatrist
7.
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer.
I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say,” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell
“I’m the groom.”
A really slow group of golfers
Salesman From La Tries To Trick Texas Lady
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer.
I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say,” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell
“I’m the groom.”
A really slow group of golfers
Salesman From La Tries To Trick Texas Lady
8.
A man and a woman have just had their 50th wedding anniversary.
The husband turns to his wife and asks,
“What do you want to do to celebrate our anniversary dear?”
She replies, “Let’s run upstairs and make love.”
He turns to her and says,
“Well make up your mind, we can’t do both!”
A old lady comes into the kitchen
A man drinks a shot of whiskey
A man and a woman have just had their 50th wedding anniversary.
The husband turns to his wife and asks,
“What do you want to do to celebrate our anniversary dear?”
She replies, “Let’s run upstairs and make love.”
He turns to her and says,
“Well make up your mind, we can’t do both!”
A old lady comes into the kitchen
A man drinks a shot of whiskey
9.
Four guys, one each from Harvard, Yale, MIT University and SANTA SINGH from Punjab University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job.
One common question was asked to all of them.
INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?
YALE Guy: It is Light, nothing can travel faster than Light.
HARVARD Guy: It’s the Thought; because thought is so fast it comes instantly in your mind.
MIT Guy: Its Blink, you can blink and it’s hard to realize you blinked.
SANTA SINGH: It’s Loose Motion.
INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa’s reply) “WHY”?
SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps,
and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over !!
A priest and a taxi driver both died
A farmer got in his truck
Four guys, one each from Harvard, Yale, MIT University and SANTA SINGH from Punjab University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job.
One common question was asked to all of them.
INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?
YALE Guy: It is Light, nothing can travel faster than Light.
HARVARD Guy: It’s the Thought; because thought is so fast it comes instantly in your mind.
MIT Guy: Its Blink, you can blink and it’s hard to realize you blinked.
SANTA SINGH: It’s Loose Motion.
INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa’s reply) “WHY”?
SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps,
and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over !!
A priest and a taxi driver both died
A farmer got in his truck
10.
An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting. ”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.”
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church
A elderly couple who had just celebrated
An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting. ”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.”
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church
A elderly couple who had just celebrated
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11.
Two older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.
“I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous,” the first one said.
“Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing,” the other woman commented.
“But I broke him of that habit real quick.”
“What did you do?”
“I hid his teeth.”
The young couple admired the scarecrow
A woman with a minor injury
Two older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.
“I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous,” the first one said.
“Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing,” the other woman commented.
“But I broke him of that habit real quick.”
“What did you do?”
“I hid his teeth.”
The young couple admired the scarecrow
A woman with a minor injury
12.
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.
Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.
It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing
“I’m blessing it,” the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.
He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut two inches off the tailpipe.
The rule of a king
Two Arkansans Meet On A Dusty, Country Road
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.
Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.
It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing
“I’m blessing it,” the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.
He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut two inches off the tailpipe.
The rule of a king
Two Arkansans Meet On A Dusty, Country Road
13.
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.
They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”
The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.
He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.
Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.
“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”
The devil realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing.
He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?”
They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”
The guard stops him and says
The pastor always said
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.
They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”
The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.
He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.
Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.
“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”
The devil realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing.
He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?”
They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”
The guard stops him and says
The pastor always said
14.
There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle.
For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant’s tail, really hard.
Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.
The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.
“Why did you do that?” the giraffe asks.
“When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason,” the elephant replied.
“Wow! You must have a good memory!” exclaimed the giraffe.
“Yep!” said the elephant.
“I’ve got Turtle-Recall.”
Alan’s wife called him as he was at pub
A woman noticed a dog ad in the local newspaper
There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle.
For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant’s tail, really hard.
Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.
The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.
“Why did you do that?” the giraffe asks.
“When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason,” the elephant replied.
“Wow! You must have a good memory!” exclaimed the giraffe.
“Yep!” said the elephant.
“I’ve got Turtle-Recall.”
Alan’s wife called him as he was at pub
A woman noticed a dog ad in the local newspaper
15.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful you guessed it blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls”.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked.
“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
A older man was driving down
A police officer in a small town stopped
A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful you guessed it blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls”.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked.
“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
A older man was driving down
A police officer in a small town stopped
16.
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom.”
A couple returns from their honeymoon
A elderly couple sitting down to lunch
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom.”
A couple returns from their honeymoon
A elderly couple sitting down to lunch
17.
Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted
“God save Scotland!”
The English man jumped off and shouted
“God Save England!”
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted
“God save the person who I land on!”
MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR
A police officer asks a thief
Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted
“God save Scotland!”
The English man jumped off and shouted
“God Save England!”
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted
“God save the person who I land on!”
MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR
A police officer asks a thief
18.
A woman was cutting her husband’s thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack.
She offered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities.
“It has more vitamin C than an orange,” she remarked.
“And more hair than Dad,” added their son.
The Beggar & The Guru
The two were at the same table
A woman was cutting her husband’s thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack.
She offered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities.
“It has more vitamin C than an orange,” she remarked.
“And more hair than Dad,” added their son.
The Beggar & The Guru
The two were at the same table
19.
Guy calls in to his Boss.
Worker: I can’t come to work today. I’m sick
Boss: Oh yea! What’s wrong with you now?
Worker: I have anal glaucoma.
Boss: What the hell is that?
Worker: I just can’t see my bum working today.
A man dies goes to Heaven
A group of soldiers stood in formation
Guy calls in to his Boss.
Worker: I can’t come to work today. I’m sick
Boss: Oh yea! What’s wrong with you now?
Worker: I have anal glaucoma.
Boss: What the hell is that?
Worker: I just can’t see my bum working today.
A man dies goes to Heaven
A group of soldiers stood in formation
20.
A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class.
On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.
The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green.
Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red.
After seeing this, the teacher asked him,
“Little Johnny, how many times have you seen a red duck?”
Little Johnny replied, “The same number of times I’ve seen a duck holding an umbrella.”
A old lady tried to phone
A wealthy man walked into a bar
A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class.
On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.
The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green.
Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red.
After seeing this, the teacher asked him,
“Little Johnny, how many times have you seen a red duck?”
Little Johnny replied, “The same number of times I’ve seen a duck holding an umbrella.”
A old lady tried to phone
A wealthy man walked into a bar
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21.
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher.
“It’s something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time.”
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, “Quick! Spit’em out!
They’re bastard!”
A guy asked a girl in a university library
A blonde walks into an empty bar
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher.
“It’s something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time.”
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, “Quick! Spit’em out!
They’re bastard!”
A guy asked a girl in a university library
A blonde walks into an empty bar
22.
At the zoo, a kid says to his mother Jokingly:
“mom, look, look, that monkey looks really like my brother”.
His mother looked at him and said calmly :
“Lower your voice, don’t say that, he can hear you”.
The kid replied: “Don’t worry mom, monkeys don’t understand our language”.
A man boarded a plane with six kids
She was lying on a hospital trolley bed
At the zoo, a kid says to his mother Jokingly:
“mom, look, look, that monkey looks really like my brother”.
His mother looked at him and said calmly :
“Lower your voice, don’t say that, he can hear you”.
The kid replied: “Don’t worry mom, monkeys don’t understand our language”.
A man boarded a plane with six kids
She was lying on a hospital trolley bed
23.
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.
HIM: “I’m sorry dear but I’m up to my neck in work today.”
HER: “But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you dear.”
HIM: “OK darling, but as I’ve got no time now, just give me the good news.”
HER: “Well, the air bag works.”
After 25 years of marriage
The lady sitting next to a man
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.
HIM: “I’m sorry dear but I’m up to my neck in work today.”
HER: “But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you dear.”
HIM: “OK darling, but as I’ve got no time now, just give me the good news.”
HER: “Well, the air bag works.”
After 25 years of marriage
The lady sitting next to a man
24.
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes! How did you figure that out?”
“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist, How did you figure that out?”
“Didn’t feel a thing!”
A man came home from work one day
A lay woman was driving down
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes! How did you figure that out?”
“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist, How did you figure that out?”
“Didn’t feel a thing!”
A man came home from work one day
A lay woman was driving down
25.
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: Yes
Wife: Shut up. Don’t you ever dare talk to me!!
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: No
Wife: Liar
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: Maybe
Wife: can u ever b decisive
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: I don’t know
Wife: Are you blind?
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: Depends
Wife: Oh you comparing me with some one else..
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: silence
Wife: Are you deaf?
There are some questions for which there is no correct answer.
For everything else there is Google.
Frank and John left the bar
Mary and Dave went a romantic dinner
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: Yes
Wife: Shut up. Don’t you ever dare talk to me!!
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: No
Wife: Liar
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: Maybe
Wife: can u ever b decisive
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: I don’t know
Wife: Are you blind?
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: Depends
Wife: Oh you comparing me with some one else..
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: silence
Wife: Are you deaf?
There are some questions for which there is no correct answer.
For everything else there is Google.
Frank and John left the bar
Mary and Dave went a romantic dinner
26.
There is a town in France, which was flooding.
Some people escaped to the roof of the church.
The priest, however, stayed and said, “Let God come.”
Someone came to save him but the priest said, “God will save me.”
He refused to get in, maintaining that God will save him.
Then a boat came to rescue him
He refused to get in, maintaining that God will save him.
Finally a helicopter came, but he sent that away too.
When he passed over to the other world, the priest said, “Oh God, I prayed to you so much, but you did not save me.”
Upon hearing this, God responded, “My foolish servant, I sent you a man and you didn’t come.
I sent you a boat and you didn’t get in.
I sent you a helicopter and you didn’t board
What more could I have done?
A little bird was flying
When asked what the problem
There is a town in France, which was flooding.
Some people escaped to the roof of the church.
The priest, however, stayed and said, “Let God come.”
Someone came to save him but the priest said, “God will save me.”
He refused to get in, maintaining that God will save him.
Then a boat came to rescue him
He refused to get in, maintaining that God will save him.
Finally a helicopter came, but he sent that away too.
When he passed over to the other world, the priest said, “Oh God, I prayed to you so much, but you did not save me.”
Upon hearing this, God responded, “My foolish servant, I sent you a man and you didn’t come.
I sent you a boat and you didn’t get in.
I sent you a helicopter and you didn’t board
What more could I have done?
A little bird was flying
When asked what the problem
27.
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year grandson.
The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.
The family ate together at the table.
But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult.
Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
“We must do something about Grandfather,” said the son.
“I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor”.
So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed their dinners together.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.
When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence.
One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?”
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when you get old.”
The four year old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents that they were speechless.
Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.
Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done that evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table.
For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family and for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
Children are remarkably perceptive their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb.
If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives.
The wise parent realizes that every day that building blocks are being laid for the child’s future.
The Magical Lamp
A Woman Writes In To A Men’s Helpline
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year grandson.
The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.
The family ate together at the table.
But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult.
Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
“We must do something about Grandfather,” said the son.
“I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor”.
So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed their dinners together.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.
When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence.
One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?”
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when you get old.”
The four year old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents that they were speechless.
Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.
Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done that evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table.
For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family and for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
Children are remarkably perceptive their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb.
If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives.
The wise parent realizes that every day that building blocks are being laid for the child’s future.
The Magical Lamp
A Woman Writes In To A Men’s Helpline
28.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER use big people words!”
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN use big people words.”
She then asked Bobby what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said.
“What book did you read?”
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said,
“Winnie the Shit.”
The devil pulls up
She was a friendly-looking young woman
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER use big people words!”
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN use big people words.”
She then asked Bobby what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said.
“What book did you read?”
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said,
“Winnie the Shit.”
The devil pulls up
She was a friendly-looking young woman
29.
An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar
As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of.
“When does life begin”.
The priest said in the Bible states that life begins at conception Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is God’s word so it is true.
The doctor looked at the priest funny and said, “You cannot be serious, I have been in practice for years and life begins at birth when you breathe your first breath of air.”
The priest and doctor continue to argue their point and as others began to shift their attention to their conversation, the old man spoke.
“You are both wrong, my wife and I fully agree that life begins when your kids finally move out of the house”.
Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar
A old woman was arrested for shoplifting
An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar
As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of.
“When does life begin”.
The priest said in the Bible states that life begins at conception Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is God’s word so it is true.
The doctor looked at the priest funny and said, “You cannot be serious, I have been in practice for years and life begins at birth when you breathe your first breath of air.”
The priest and doctor continue to argue their point and as others began to shift their attention to their conversation, the old man spoke.
“You are both wrong, my wife and I fully agree that life begins when your kids finally move out of the house”.
Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar
A old woman was arrested for shoplifting
30.
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knocking’!
There’s no paper on this side either!”
One night a lady came home
Mother superior tells two new nuns
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knocking’!
There’s no paper on this side either!”
One night a lady came home
Mother superior tells two new nuns
Tags:
Eng Jokes