1.

"If at first you donβt succeed, then skydiving definitely isnβt for you."

"If at first you donβt succeed, then skydiving definitely isnβt for you."
2.

"I have nothing against sleep. Itβs the waking up part I canβt stand."

"I have nothing against sleep. Itβs the waking up part I canβt stand."
3.

"I donβt trip; I do random gravity checks."

"I donβt trip; I do random gravity checks."
4.

"Donβt give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping."

"Donβt give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping."
5.

"Iβm reading a book about anti-gravity. Itβs impossible to put down."

"Iβm reading a book about anti-gravity. Itβs impossible to put down."
6.

"The first five days after the weekend are the hardest."

"The first five days after the weekend are the hardest."
7.

"Why donβt eggs tell jokes? Theyβd crack each other up."

"Why donβt eggs tell jokes? Theyβd crack each other up."
8.

"Iβm not shy; Iβm just holding back my awesomeness so I donβt intimidate you."

"Iβm not shy; Iβm just holding back my awesomeness so I donβt intimidate you."
9.

"Iβm not a hoarder; Iβm just really good at finding potential in things."

"Iβm not a hoarder; Iβm just really good at finding potential in things."
10.

"The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!"

"The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!"
11.

"If I had a dollar for every smart thing Iβve said, Iβd be broke."

"If I had a dollar for every smart thing Iβve said, Iβd be broke."
12.

"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."

"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
13.

"A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand."

"A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand."
14.

"Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired."

"Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired."
15.

"I can resist everything except temptation."

"I can resist everything except temptation."
16.

"Iβm not bossy; I just know what you should be doing."

"Iβm not bossy; I just know what you should be doing."
17.

"I tried to be a baker, but I couldnβt make enough dough."

"I tried to be a baker, but I couldnβt make enough dough."
18.

"Iβm not lazy; Iβm just very energy efficient."

"Iβm not lazy; Iβm just very energy efficient."
19.

"They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye."

"They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye."
20.

"Why donβt we ever see baby pigeons? Conspiracy?"

"Why donβt we ever see baby pigeons? Conspiracy?"
21.

"My cooking is so good, even the smoke alarm cheers me on."

"My cooking is so good, even the smoke alarm cheers me on."
22.

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. They wonβt expect it back."

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. They wonβt expect it back."
23.

"If at first you donβt succeed, redefine success."

"If at first you donβt succeed, redefine success."
24.

"I canβt believe I forgot to go to the gym today. Thatβs seven years in a row now."

"I canβt believe I forgot to go to the gym today. Thatβs seven years in a row now."
25.

"Iβm not procrastinating. Iβm proactively delaying the inevitable."

"Iβm not procrastinating. Iβm proactively delaying the inevitable."
26.

"You donβt have to be crazy to work here, but it helps."

"You donβt have to be crazy to work here, but it helps."
27.

"I donβt have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long."

"I donβt have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long."
28.

"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, theyβd be bagels."

"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, theyβd be bagels."
29.

"I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned."

"I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned."
30.

"If Cinderellaβs shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off?"

"If Cinderellaβs shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off?"
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