1.
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
2.
"I have nothing against sleep. It’s the waking up part I can’t stand."
"I have nothing against sleep. It’s the waking up part I can’t stand."
3.
"I don’t trip; I do random gravity checks."
"I don’t trip; I do random gravity checks."
4.
"Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping."
"Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping."
5.
"I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down."
"I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down."
6.
"The first five days after the weekend are the hardest."
"The first five days after the weekend are the hardest."
7.
"Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."
"Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up."
8.
"I’m not shy; I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you."
"I’m not shy; I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you."
9.
"I’m not a hoarder; I’m just really good at finding potential in things."
"I’m not a hoarder; I’m just really good at finding potential in things."
10.
"The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!"
"The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!"
11.
"If I had a dollar for every smart thing I’ve said, I’d be broke."
"If I had a dollar for every smart thing I’ve said, I’d be broke."
12.
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
13.
"A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand."
"A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand."
14.
"Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired."
"Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired."
15.
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
16.
"I’m not bossy; I just know what you should be doing."
"I’m not bossy; I just know what you should be doing."
17.
"I tried to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough."
"I tried to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough."
18.
"I’m not lazy; I’m just very energy efficient."
"I’m not lazy; I’m just very energy efficient."
19.
"They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye."
"They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye."
20.
"Why don’t we ever see baby pigeons? Conspiracy?"
"Why don’t we ever see baby pigeons? Conspiracy?"
21.
"My cooking is so good, even the smoke alarm cheers me on."
"My cooking is so good, even the smoke alarm cheers me on."
22.
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won’t expect it back."
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won’t expect it back."
23.
"If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success."
"If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success."
24.
"I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s seven years in a row now."
"I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s seven years in a row now."
25.
"I’m not procrastinating. I’m proactively delaying the inevitable."
"I’m not procrastinating. I’m proactively delaying the inevitable."
26.
"You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps."
"You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps."
27.
"I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long."
"I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long."
28.
"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels."
"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels."
29.
"I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned."
"I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned."
30.
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off?"
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off?"
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Quotes