1.
A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned up.The RJ said, “Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize.”“That's fantastic!” I shouted in delight.“Feel confiden
A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned up.The RJ said, “Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize.”“That's fantastic!” I shouted in delight.“Feel confiden
2.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.“Not a chance,” says the husband, “It is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.“Who was that?” asked his wife.“Just some
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.“Not a chance,” says the husband, “It is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.“Who was that?” asked his wife.“Just some
3.
… after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.“You see, ” Carl says “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and i
… after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.“You see, ” Carl says “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and i
4.
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things.
Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things.
Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women
5.
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, “my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him “Father.”
The second Catholic women chirps, “Well, my s
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, “my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him “Father.”
The second Catholic women chirps, “Well, my s
6.
A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.
They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find an
A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.
They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find an
7.
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced,“A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000.If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000.”There was a moment's silence,and then from the bac
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced,“A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000.If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000.”There was a moment's silence,and then from the bac
8.
Little Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter.
He and his friend went outside to play in the snow.
After about an hour, his friend’s mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves.
Johnny’s
Little Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter.
He and his friend went outside to play in the snow.
After about an hour, his friend’s mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves.
Johnny’s
9.
A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bartender “If I impress you, can I have a free drink?” The bartender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano.
He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano.
A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bartender “If I impress you, can I have a free drink?” The bartender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano.
He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano.
10.
A nun wakes up one morning and decides to go for a walk She gets out of bed and puts on her shoes.As she's walking down the hallway to the convent kitchen, another nun looks at her, smiles and says, “Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this mornin
A nun wakes up one morning and decides to go for a walk She gets out of bed and puts on her shoes.As she's walking down the hallway to the convent kitchen, another nun looks at her, smiles and says, “Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this mornin
11.
The guy examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep.The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep.Aft
The guy examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep.The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep.Aft
12.
This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep th
This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep th
13.
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.His wife asks, “Do you know her?”“Yes,” sighs the husband.“She's my ex-wife.She took to drinking right after we divorced seven
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.His wife asks, “Do you know her?”“Yes,” sighs the husband.“She's my ex-wife.She took to drinking right after we divorced seven
14.
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
She tells the doctor that her daughter has been having terrible nausea in the morning, lost her appetite, and even missed a period.
The doctor examines her, orders a bloodwork, and tells them to come back late
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
She tells the doctor that her daughter has been having terrible nausea in the morning, lost her appetite, and even missed a period.
The doctor examines her, orders a bloodwork, and tells them to come back late
15.
A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officerwho was also a blonde.The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.What does it look l
A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officerwho was also a blonde.The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.What does it look l
16.
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:“Before you leave, I want you to hear how thi
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:“Before you leave, I want you to hear how thi
17.
Three old men were sitting on a bench when a reporter approached them.“I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell me your secret to long life,” the reporter asked.The three old men agreed and the reporter asked the first old man hi
Three old men were sitting on a bench when a reporter approached them.“I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell me your secret to long life,” the reporter asked.The three old men agreed and the reporter asked the first old man hi
18.
A call girl standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past.She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says,“Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?”The old man said, “But I won't be able to…”C
A call girl standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past.She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says,“Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?”The old man said, “But I won't be able to…”C
19.
This is what all of you 70+ year old's have to look forward to:This is something that happened in an Aged Care CentreThe people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central Cafeteria.One morning, one of the residents didn't show up
This is what all of you 70+ year old's have to look forward to:This is something that happened in an Aged Care CentreThe people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central Cafeteria.One morning, one of the residents didn't show up
20.
… and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the m
… and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the m
21.
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.“MUM,” the boy yells at the top of his voice, “I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!”Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's lan
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.“MUM,” the boy yells at the top of his voice, “I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!”Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's lan
22.
His friends to him at coffee: “We adore your family life, you've got a great life with your wife and kids.You don't make her say things twiceTell us the secret of this happiness or we'll consider you as a diffident”“Well, i can shortly explainAfter our w
His friends to him at coffee: “We adore your family life, you've got a great life with your wife and kids.You don't make her say things twiceTell us the secret of this happiness or we'll consider you as a diffident”“Well, i can shortly explainAfter our w
23.
The following day, the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story.Little Suzy raised her hand, “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.Well, one Sunday we hit
The following day, the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story.Little Suzy raised her hand, “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.Well, one Sunday we hit
24.
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & beautiful young woman entered.She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked di
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & beautiful young woman entered.She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked di
25.
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up
26.
She decided she would just end her life herself and join him in death.Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the
She decided she would just end her life herself and join him in death.Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the
27.
An American on vacation in Paris is having breakfast at a cafe one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
An American on vacation in Paris is having breakfast at a cafe one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
28.
He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.He awoke before the Pearly Gates.StPeter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”Ralph was stunned. “I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!”StPeter
He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.He awoke before the Pearly Gates.StPeter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”Ralph was stunned. “I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!”StPeter
29.
Three old ladies – Gertrude, Maude and Tilly – were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the parkHe was holding his coat together with his hands and di
Three old ladies – Gertrude, Maude and Tilly – were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the parkHe was holding his coat together with his hands and di
30.
A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.
Girl: “My father isn’t home, but I know what you want and I can help you.
You want our bull to service your cow.
Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull.”<
A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.
Girl: “My father isn’t home, but I know what you want and I can help you.
You want our bull to service your cow.
Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull.”<
Tags:
Eng Jokes