1.
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.
On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, “Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?”
“Why do you want me to throw them at you?”
“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”
“Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy.”
“But why?”
“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.”
A elderly man goes into confession
little Timmy made a wish that Santa
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.
On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, “Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?”
“Why do you want me to throw them at you?”
“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”
“Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy.”
“But why?”
“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.”
A elderly man goes into confession
little Timmy made a wish that Santa
2.
An old owl was perched on a tree on top of a hill one very cold night.
He looked down in the valley and saw a light in a window so he decided to fly down to the window ledge in hopes there was some warmth escaping.
Well sure enough it was warm, so he fell fast asleep.
He didn’t know that there were two veterinary students inside studying for final exams.
The two veterinary students spotted the owl and decided to use him as practice.
They eased the window open and gassed him.
The first student looked down the owls throat and said he has tonsillitis, so he operated.
The other looked at his butt and announced that the owl had hemorrhoids, so he operated.
They placed the owl back out on the ledge.
The owl woke up very groggy and flew away.
The next winter that same owl was perched on the same tree on a very cold night.
A young owl landed next to him and said brrrr it sure is cold out tonight.
The old owl agreed.
The young owl noticed there was a light down in the valley and suggested they both fly down there to the window ledge and maybe find some escaping heat.
The old owl replied “no way”, last year I did the same thing, passed out, woke up drunk and for the next six weeks I couldn’t sh!t worth a hoot or hoot worth a sh!t.
Joe was sitting at a bar
A alabama sheriff went fishing
An old owl was perched on a tree on top of a hill one very cold night.
He looked down in the valley and saw a light in a window so he decided to fly down to the window ledge in hopes there was some warmth escaping.
Well sure enough it was warm, so he fell fast asleep.
He didn’t know that there were two veterinary students inside studying for final exams.
The two veterinary students spotted the owl and decided to use him as practice.
They eased the window open and gassed him.
The first student looked down the owls throat and said he has tonsillitis, so he operated.
The other looked at his butt and announced that the owl had hemorrhoids, so he operated.
They placed the owl back out on the ledge.
The owl woke up very groggy and flew away.
The next winter that same owl was perched on the same tree on a very cold night.
A young owl landed next to him and said brrrr it sure is cold out tonight.
The old owl agreed.
The young owl noticed there was a light down in the valley and suggested they both fly down there to the window ledge and maybe find some escaping heat.
The old owl replied “no way”, last year I did the same thing, passed out, woke up drunk and for the next six weeks I couldn’t sh!t worth a hoot or hoot worth a sh!t.
Joe was sitting at a bar
A alabama sheriff went fishing
3.
A customer in a restaurant orders a bowl of soup.
However, the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over.
“Can you please taste the soup?”
“What’s wrong with the soup?”
“Just taste it.”
“Why?”
“Just taste it.”
“Sir, I–”
“Just taste it.”
“Fine, I’ll taste the soup. Where’s the spoon?”
“EXACTLY. BRING ME A G***DAMN SPOON.”
Two Arkansans Meet On A Dusty, Country Road
Sharing A Room
A customer in a restaurant orders a bowl of soup.
However, the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over.
“Can you please taste the soup?”
“What’s wrong with the soup?”
“Just taste it.”
“Why?”
“Just taste it.”
“Sir, I–”
“Just taste it.”
“Fine, I’ll taste the soup. Where’s the spoon?”
“EXACTLY. BRING ME A G***DAMN SPOON.”
Two Arkansans Meet On A Dusty, Country Road
Sharing A Room
4.
An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to.
So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age.
He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things.
The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V the man gets up and heads for the kitchen.
His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns.
He says he will, and she says he should write it down.
“I’m just going to the kitchen, I’ll remember.”
“Well, I want that with nuts, too.”
“OK. he says ice cream with nuts.”
She asks again if he’s going to write it down.
“No, I’m just going to the kitchen.”
“And a Cherry on the top?”
He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down.
Now the old man is angry, “Look, old lady I’m not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top.”
He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife.
She looks up and says, “Honey, you forgot my toast.”
A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip
An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to.
So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age.
He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things.
The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V the man gets up and heads for the kitchen.
His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns.
He says he will, and she says he should write it down.
“I’m just going to the kitchen, I’ll remember.”
“Well, I want that with nuts, too.”
“OK. he says ice cream with nuts.”
She asks again if he’s going to write it down.
“No, I’m just going to the kitchen.”
“And a Cherry on the top?”
He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down.
Now the old man is angry, “Look, old lady I’m not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top.”
He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife.
She looks up and says, “Honey, you forgot my toast.”
A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip
5.
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice, secured it tightly, and removed the handle.
Next, she picked up an old carpenter’s saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified and hollered, “Stop! Stop! You’re not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?”
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband’s hand and said,
“Nope. You are! I’m gonna burn down the barn!”
A aged farmer and his wife
A old man and old woman got married
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice, secured it tightly, and removed the handle.
Next, she picked up an old carpenter’s saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified and hollered, “Stop! Stop! You’re not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?”
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband’s hand and said,
“Nope. You are! I’m gonna burn down the barn!”
A aged farmer and his wife
A old man and old woman got married
6.
Three men are sitting on a park bench, enjoying the weather and bragging about their wives.
Saw nothing the first day.
The first man, tool, married a woman from Kentucky, and told her in no uncertain terms:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”
He didn’t see any changes on the first day.
But on the second day, the house was clean and tidy.
Saw nothing
The second man, Brandon, married a woman from Virginia, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see any changes, and not on the second day either.
But on the third day, it was as he had asked.
The third brother, John, married a woman from Texas, and had said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see anything, and not on the second or third day either.
On the fourth day, he could see a little bit with his left eye, and had just enough mobility in his right hand to make himself a sandwich and put the dishes in the dishwasher…
A man sits down on a bar stool
A man standing at a urinal
Three men are sitting on a park bench, enjoying the weather and bragging about their wives.
Saw nothing the first day.
The first man, tool, married a woman from Kentucky, and told her in no uncertain terms:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”
He didn’t see any changes on the first day.
But on the second day, the house was clean and tidy.
Saw nothing
The second man, Brandon, married a woman from Virginia, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see any changes, and not on the second day either.
But on the third day, it was as he had asked.
The third brother, John, married a woman from Texas, and had said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see anything, and not on the second or third day either.
On the fourth day, he could see a little bit with his left eye, and had just enough mobility in his right hand to make himself a sandwich and put the dishes in the dishwasher…
A man sits down on a bar stool
A man standing at a urinal
7.
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks.
After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks.
The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks.
After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks.
The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down
8.
A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked that was the problem, she responded, “Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my melons get hard.”
Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, “Your melons get hard?”
“Yes” quite innocently came her reply.
“Undress so I can check” replied the still amazed doc.
So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer.
After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, “Well madame, I don’t know what you have, but it sure as hell is contagious!”
The angry wife met her husband
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll
A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked that was the problem, she responded, “Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my melons get hard.”
Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, “Your melons get hard?”
“Yes” quite innocently came her reply.
“Undress so I can check” replied the still amazed doc.
So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer.
After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, “Well madame, I don’t know what you have, but it sure as hell is contagious!”
The angry wife met her husband
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll
9.
The late king of a known Kingdom had ten wild dogs.
He used them to torture and eat any of his servants who made a mistake.
One of the servants gave an opinion which was wrong, and the king didn’t like it at all.
So he ordered that the servant be thrown to the dogs.
The servant said, “I served you for ten years, and you do this to me? Please give me ten days before throwing me to those dogs!”
The king agreed.
In those ten days, the servant went to the guard who looks after the dogs and told him he would like to serve the dogs for the next ten days.
The guard was baffled but agreed, and the servant started feeding the dogs, cleaning for them, bathing them, and providing all sorts of comfort for them.
When the ten days were over, the king ordered that the servant be thrown to the dogs for his punishment.
When he was thrown in, we were all amazed to see the ravenous dogs only licking the feet of the servant!
The king, baffled at what he was seeing, said, ”What has happened to my dogs?”
The servant replied, “I served the dogs for only ten days, and they didn’t forget my service yet I served you for a whole ten years and you forgot all, at my first mistake!”
The king released his mistake and ordered the servant to be set free.
This post is a message to all those who forget the good things a person did for them as soon as the person makes a mistake towards them.
Don’t put out the history that is filled with good because of a mistake you don’t like.
Hope I made sense?
A Lion angrily to a Gnat
One young academically excellent person
The late king of a known Kingdom had ten wild dogs.
He used them to torture and eat any of his servants who made a mistake.
One of the servants gave an opinion which was wrong, and the king didn’t like it at all.
So he ordered that the servant be thrown to the dogs.
The servant said, “I served you for ten years, and you do this to me? Please give me ten days before throwing me to those dogs!”
The king agreed.
In those ten days, the servant went to the guard who looks after the dogs and told him he would like to serve the dogs for the next ten days.
The guard was baffled but agreed, and the servant started feeding the dogs, cleaning for them, bathing them, and providing all sorts of comfort for them.
When the ten days were over, the king ordered that the servant be thrown to the dogs for his punishment.
When he was thrown in, we were all amazed to see the ravenous dogs only licking the feet of the servant!
The king, baffled at what he was seeing, said, ”What has happened to my dogs?”
The servant replied, “I served the dogs for only ten days, and they didn’t forget my service yet I served you for a whole ten years and you forgot all, at my first mistake!”
The king released his mistake and ordered the servant to be set free.
This post is a message to all those who forget the good things a person did for them as soon as the person makes a mistake towards them.
Don’t put out the history that is filled with good because of a mistake you don’t like.
Hope I made sense?
A Lion angrily to a Gnat
One young academically excellent person
10.
Wife sent a message to her husband: Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from office, and says hi to you.
Husband: Who is Rita?
Wife: Nothing, I was just making sure that you read my message or not
Twist in the tale…..
Husband: But I’m with Lisa, which Lisa are you talking about?
Wife: where are you….?
Husband: near vegetable market.
Wife: wait I will come there.
After 10 minutes she texts her husband “where are you”?
Husband: “I m at office, now buy whatever vegetables you need.”
She was going around in turn asking
A man and his wife are traveling
Wife sent a message to her husband: Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from office, and says hi to you.
Husband: Who is Rita?
Wife: Nothing, I was just making sure that you read my message or not
Twist in the tale…..
Husband: But I’m with Lisa, which Lisa are you talking about?
Wife: where are you….?
Husband: near vegetable market.
Wife: wait I will come there.
After 10 minutes she texts her husband “where are you”?
Husband: “I m at office, now buy whatever vegetables you need.”
She was going around in turn asking
A man and his wife are traveling
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11.
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.
The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants.
They were skin-tight, high-wasted and had no obvious mechanism zipper, buttons or Velcro for opening them.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
“Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?”
“Well,” she replied, “you can start by buying me a drink.”
Billy came home from school
A concerned husband went to a doctor
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.
The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants.
They were skin-tight, high-wasted and had no obvious mechanism zipper, buttons or Velcro for opening them.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
“Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?”
“Well,” she replied, “you can start by buying me a drink.”
Billy came home from school
A concerned husband went to a doctor
12.
A husband exclaims to his wife one day:
“Your bum is getting really big. It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big bum grill for one little weenie?”
A wife was cooking something in the kitchen
The mother asked the doctor
A husband exclaims to his wife one day:
“Your bum is getting really big. It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big bum grill for one little weenie?”
A wife was cooking something in the kitchen
The mother asked the doctor
13.
A man from Ireland was on a bus tour of the United States.
As the bus traveled for miles and miles through desert landscape and oil fields, he asked the guide: “Where are we now?”
The guide said proudly: “We’re in the great state of Texas.”
“It’s certainly big,” mused the Irishman.
“It’s so big,” added the guide, “that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it.”
“Yes,” smiled the Irishman, “and wouldn’t it do wonders for Texas!”
A couple were driving home
A young couple just married
A man from Ireland was on a bus tour of the United States.
As the bus traveled for miles and miles through desert landscape and oil fields, he asked the guide: “Where are we now?”
The guide said proudly: “We’re in the great state of Texas.”
“It’s certainly big,” mused the Irishman.
“It’s so big,” added the guide, “that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it.”
“Yes,” smiled the Irishman, “and wouldn’t it do wonders for Texas!”
A couple were driving home
A young couple just married
14.
An older couple were walking on a beach when the husband tripped over a bottle and a genie came out.
“You can each have one wish,” said the genie.
The wife made her wish first “I would like to travel around the world, with my husband,”.
Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world.
Now it was the husbands turn, “Well” said the husband, with a naughty look on his face “I wish I can have a younger companion,”.
The words were barely out of his mouth when poof, he aged 20 years!
Two men met at a bus stop
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant
An older couple were walking on a beach when the husband tripped over a bottle and a genie came out.
“You can each have one wish,” said the genie.
The wife made her wish first “I would like to travel around the world, with my husband,”.
Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world.
Now it was the husbands turn, “Well” said the husband, with a naughty look on his face “I wish I can have a younger companion,”.
The words were barely out of his mouth when poof, he aged 20 years!
Two men met at a bus stop
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant
15.
A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said,
“I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained.
“Tell me some good news for once.”
“Alright, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”
A man walks into a hamburger shop
A college physics professor
A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said,
“I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained.
“Tell me some good news for once.”
“Alright, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”
A man walks into a hamburger shop
A college physics professor
16.
A grandfather and grandson were taking a nature hike together.
The grandfather remarked how nature can teach us many lessons.
The grandson asked which lesson was the most important one he had learned.
The grandfather replied, “Well, if you find a baby squirrel in the woods, don’t carry it in your shirt unless you’re wearing a very tight belt.”
A guy went fishing with his friend
A man told his doctor
A grandfather and grandson were taking a nature hike together.
The grandfather remarked how nature can teach us many lessons.
The grandson asked which lesson was the most important one he had learned.
The grandfather replied, “Well, if you find a baby squirrel in the woods, don’t carry it in your shirt unless you’re wearing a very tight belt.”
A guy went fishing with his friend
A man told his doctor
17.
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.
The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their love lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, ‘Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.
He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!’
The engaged woman giggled and said, ‘That’s pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.
He was so turned on that we not only had make love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!’
The married woman put her glass down and said, ‘I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s.
I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, ‘Hey Batman what’s for dinner?
A boss says to his secretary
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.
The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their love lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, ‘Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.
He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!’
The engaged woman giggled and said, ‘That’s pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.
He was so turned on that we not only had make love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!’
The married woman put her glass down and said, ‘I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s.
I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, ‘Hey Batman what’s for dinner?
A boss says to his secretary
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance
18.
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.
“Shucks, I’d sooner spend my money on a cow,” said the farmer.
“Ah,” replied the salesman, “but think how silly you’d look riding around on a cow.”
“Humph!” retorted the farmer. “Not near as silly as I’d look trying to milk a bicycle!”
Three rats are sitting at the bar
A doctor just finishes his check-up
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.
“Shucks, I’d sooner spend my money on a cow,” said the farmer.
“Ah,” replied the salesman, “but think how silly you’d look riding around on a cow.”
“Humph!” retorted the farmer. “Not near as silly as I’d look trying to milk a bicycle!”
Three rats are sitting at the bar
A doctor just finishes his check-up
19.
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told,
“You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog said, “That’s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”
“No,” said the psychic, “Next term — in her biology class.”
Mark showed up for work with two very red and sore ears.
“Gees, what happened to you??” asked Frank, a co-worker.
“I was watching TV by the tool board,” Mark replied
“The phone rang I picked up the tool instead, thinking it was the phone.”
“So, what happened to your other ear?” asked Frank.
“The guy called back.”
A police officer asks a thief
A artist asked the gallery owner
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told,
“You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog said, “That’s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”
“No,” said the psychic, “Next term — in her biology class.”
Mark showed up for work with two very red and sore ears.
“Gees, what happened to you??” asked Frank, a co-worker.
“I was watching TV by the tool board,” Mark replied
“The phone rang I picked up the tool instead, thinking it was the phone.”
“So, what happened to your other ear?” asked Frank.
“The guy called back.”
A police officer asks a thief
A artist asked the gallery owner
20.
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
“No,” said the minister.
“I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the guru said.
“The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
“Hey, fellas,” he interrupted.
“The best praying’ I ever did was when I was hanging’ upside down from a telephone pole.”
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for container
The office manager called a local repair shop
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
“No,” said the minister.
“I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the guru said.
“The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
“Hey, fellas,” he interrupted.
“The best praying’ I ever did was when I was hanging’ upside down from a telephone pole.”
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for container
The office manager called a local repair shop
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21.
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it,
and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example First,
“My dad is a farmer and we have chickens.
One Day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket On the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump In the road;
the basket fell off the seat and all the Eggs broke.”
The moral of the story is not to put all Your eggs in one basket..
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, Mary said,
“We are farmers too. We had twenty Eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got Ten chicks.”
“The moral of this story is not to count Your chickens before they’re hatched ..”
“Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with The response so far.
Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story:
“My dad Told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen Was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got Hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all She had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete.”
“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to Prepare herself;
then she landed right in the middle Of a hundred enemy soldiers.
She killed seventy of Them with the machine gun until she ran out of Bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete Till the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten With her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher,
“What did Your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?”
The child said:
“Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been Drinking…”
Two lawyers had been life long friends
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it,
and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example First,
“My dad is a farmer and we have chickens.
One Day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket On the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump In the road;
the basket fell off the seat and all the Eggs broke.”
The moral of the story is not to put all Your eggs in one basket..
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, Mary said,
“We are farmers too. We had twenty Eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got Ten chicks.”
“The moral of this story is not to count Your chickens before they’re hatched ..”
“Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with The response so far.
Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story:
“My dad Told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen Was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got Hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all She had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete.”
“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to Prepare herself;
then she landed right in the middle Of a hundred enemy soldiers.
She killed seventy of Them with the machine gun until she ran out of Bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete Till the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten With her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher,
“What did Your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?”
The child said:
“Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been Drinking…”
Two lawyers had been life long friends
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman
22.
Two old women are discussing the disgusting habits of their husbands.
“Even after all these years, my husband will not stop biting his nails,” the first woman explains.
“My husband had the same habit,” the second woman explained
“but I fixed that. I just hid his teeth.”
A maid asks the lady of the house
A young man was walking through a supermarket
Two old women are discussing the disgusting habits of their husbands.
“Even after all these years, my husband will not stop biting his nails,” the first woman explains.
“My husband had the same habit,” the second woman explained
“but I fixed that. I just hid his teeth.”
A maid asks the lady of the house
A young man was walking through a supermarket
23.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
“I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”
The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed, n*ked and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said,
“Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
“I saw that, You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The Irishman replied,
“Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood
There once was a religious young woman
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
“I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”
The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed, n*ked and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said,
“Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
“I saw that, You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The Irishman replied,
“Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood
There once was a religious young woman
24.
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.
He was hoping he could get a special rooster one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm.
Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk.
“Henry”, he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt.
There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen.
But Henry didn’t stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.
Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, “Stop, Henry, you’ll kill yourself.”
But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn.
His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out.
A buzzard was already circling above Henry.
The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.”
“Shhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard is getting closer.”
Three homeless man huddled up close
A radical feminist is getting on a bus
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.
He was hoping he could get a special rooster one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm.
Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk.
“Henry”, he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt.
There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen.
But Henry didn’t stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.
Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, “Stop, Henry, you’ll kill yourself.”
But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn.
His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out.
A buzzard was already circling above Henry.
The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.”
“Shhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard is getting closer.”
Three homeless man huddled up close
A radical feminist is getting on a bus
25.
An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.
While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.
“I’m terribly sorry,” he said, “but I can’t seem to reach it.”
“Try further down,” she said.
At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, “I feel such a perfect ass.”
“Never mind that!” she cried. “Just get the necklace.”
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant
A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman
An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.
While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.
“I’m terribly sorry,” he said, “but I can’t seem to reach it.”
“Try further down,” she said.
At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, “I feel such a perfect ass.”
“Never mind that!” she cried. “Just get the necklace.”
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant
A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman
26.
There were Two Nuns.
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It’s not working.
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened.
I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
During one of her daily classes a teacher
An elderly man walks into a confessional
There were Two Nuns.
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It’s not working.
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened.
I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
During one of her daily classes a teacher
An elderly man walks into a confessional
27.
“I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician,” his first friend said, taking a swig of his beer.
“How’s that?” his other friend asked.
“Well, the other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed, and they weren’t mine.”
The other men clapped him on his back and told him things would turn out fine.
They ordered another round and kept drinking.
After a while, the other friend said, “You know what, I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.”
“Really? How’s that?” the first friend asked.
“Well, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
“Man, that taste it!” Paddy and his friend said, and ordered another round of beer.
After taking a sip, Paddy said, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”
Both his friends stared at him in utter disbelief.
“No, I’m serious,” Paddy said, “the other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed!”
They get back together to discuss
His new girlfriend demanded
“I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician,” his first friend said, taking a swig of his beer.
“How’s that?” his other friend asked.
“Well, the other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed, and they weren’t mine.”
The other men clapped him on his back and told him things would turn out fine.
They ordered another round and kept drinking.
After a while, the other friend said, “You know what, I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.”
“Really? How’s that?” the first friend asked.
“Well, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
“Man, that taste it!” Paddy and his friend said, and ordered another round of beer.
After taking a sip, Paddy said, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”
Both his friends stared at him in utter disbelief.
“No, I’m serious,” Paddy said, “the other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed!”
They get back together to discuss
His new girlfriend demanded
28.
Queensland farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes.” Bob thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, history, and Logic
“Logic?” Jim says.
“What’s that?”
The dean says, “I’ll give you an example
Do you own a whipper snipper?”
“Yeah.”
“Then logically speaking, because you own a whipper snipper, I think that you would have a yard.”
“That’s true, I do have a yard.”
“I’m not done,” the dean says.
“Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house.”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“Yes, I have a family.”
“I’m not done yet
Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heteros..ual.”
“I am a heteros..ual
That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a whipper snipper.”
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Bob says, “What’s that?”
Jim says, “I’ll give you an example
Do you have a whipper snipper?” “No.” “Then you’re a poofter.”
Hodja had a dream
A dog ran into a butcher shop
Queensland farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes.” Bob thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, history, and Logic
“Logic?” Jim says.
“What’s that?”
The dean says, “I’ll give you an example
Do you own a whipper snipper?”
“Yeah.”
“Then logically speaking, because you own a whipper snipper, I think that you would have a yard.”
“That’s true, I do have a yard.”
“I’m not done,” the dean says.
“Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house.”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“Yes, I have a family.”
“I’m not done yet
Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heteros..ual.”
“I am a heteros..ual
That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a whipper snipper.”
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Bob says, “What’s that?”
Jim says, “I’ll give you an example
Do you have a whipper snipper?” “No.” “Then you’re a poofter.”
Hodja had a dream
A dog ran into a butcher shop
29.
An old lady went to visit her dentist.
When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her skinny legs all the way up.
The dentist was shocked and with his eyes wide open he screamed: “MADAM, PLEASE PULL YOUR PANTS BACK UP. I’m not a gynecologist!”
“I know,” said the old lady.
“I just want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”
John goes to a doctor
Karen goes to the doctor
An old lady went to visit her dentist.
When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her skinny legs all the way up.
The dentist was shocked and with his eyes wide open he screamed: “MADAM, PLEASE PULL YOUR PANTS BACK UP. I’m not a gynecologist!”
“I know,” said the old lady.
“I just want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”
John goes to a doctor
Karen goes to the doctor
30.
Shortly after British Airways 293 flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heath row to Toronto.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.
So sit back, relax and OH, MY GOD!
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you.
While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!’
One passenger yelled, ‘For God’s sake, you should see the back of mine!’
A elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico
Shortly after British Airways 293 flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heath row to Toronto.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.
So sit back, relax and OH, MY GOD!
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you.
While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!’
One passenger yelled, ‘For God’s sake, you should see the back of mine!’
A elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico
Tags:
Eng Jokes