1.
A grandma was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company.
Amongst the boxes and old papers, she found a little lamp.
She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when “POOF” out popped Genie.
“I will grant you three wishes” proclaimed Genie.
The grandma thought for a moment and said, “I wish I was the most beautiful 20-year-old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around.”
The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.
The grandma looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful.
She was surrounded by scads of money in Large Bills.
She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her.
She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash.
Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood.
There in the feline’s place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush.
She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly,
“Now, aren’t you sorry that you had me undressed?”
A old lady goes to her bank
Two little old ladies Connie and Jean
A grandma was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company.
Amongst the boxes and old papers, she found a little lamp.
She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when “POOF” out popped Genie.
“I will grant you three wishes” proclaimed Genie.
The grandma thought for a moment and said, “I wish I was the most beautiful 20-year-old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around.”
The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.
The grandma looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful.
She was surrounded by scads of money in Large Bills.
She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her.
She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash.
Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood.
There in the feline’s place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush.
She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly,
“Now, aren’t you sorry that you had me undressed?”
A old lady goes to her bank
Two little old ladies Connie and Jean
2.
Sister Marry was truly a religious woman.
Besides for her duties as a nun, she was also very active in various hospitals visiting sick patients and taking care of all their needs.
So it was no surprise that one day when she ran out of gas, the only container she could find to put the gas into was a bedpan.
Sister Mary happily walked two blocks to the closest gas station filled up the bedpan with gas and headed back to her car.
Luck would have it that as Sister Mary started tipping the gas into the fuel tank, the traffic light turned red and she had quite a large audience witnessing the spectacle.
Just when she finished pouring in the last drops of gas a fellow opened up his window and hollered, “I swear! If that car starts I’m becoming a religious man!”
Little Bob went with his mom to church
A lady went to a psychiatrist
Sister Marry was truly a religious woman.
Besides for her duties as a nun, she was also very active in various hospitals visiting sick patients and taking care of all their needs.
So it was no surprise that one day when she ran out of gas, the only container she could find to put the gas into was a bedpan.
Sister Mary happily walked two blocks to the closest gas station filled up the bedpan with gas and headed back to her car.
Luck would have it that as Sister Mary started tipping the gas into the fuel tank, the traffic light turned red and she had quite a large audience witnessing the spectacle.
Just when she finished pouring in the last drops of gas a fellow opened up his window and hollered, “I swear! If that car starts I’m becoming a religious man!”
Little Bob went with his mom to church
A lady went to a psychiatrist
3.
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: “What was that for?”
WIFE: “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?”
MAN: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
The wife is satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: “What was that for this time?”
WIFE: “Your horse phoned.”
A husband went to a doctor to talk
A judge was interviewing a lady
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: “What was that for?”
WIFE: “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?”
MAN: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
The wife is satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: “What was that for this time?”
WIFE: “Your horse phoned.”
A husband went to a doctor to talk
A judge was interviewing a lady
4.
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table.
She looks at the the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.”
The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read:
“Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my weapon. Just send the wine back.”
A female secretary was helping her boss
A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table.
She looks at the the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.”
The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read:
“Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my weapon. Just send the wine back.”
A female secretary was helping her boss
A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub
5.
A 60 years old billionaire marries a young 25 year old girl.
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage.
After a few drinks, billionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo young lady.
“It’s simple” billionaire boasts.
“I faked my age”
“Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?” A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds “85 years old.”
A newly couple moved into their new home
A guy goes to a girl house for the first time
A 60 years old billionaire marries a young 25 year old girl.
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage.
After a few drinks, billionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo young lady.
“It’s simple” billionaire boasts.
“I faked my age”
“Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?” A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds “85 years old.”
A newly couple moved into their new home
A guy goes to a girl house for the first time
6.
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,‘” asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded,
“Well. I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite donkey Bessie into the…”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted,
“just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’“.
Farmer Joe said,
“Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said,
“Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Police officer on the scene that he was fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer,
“I’d like to hear what he has to say.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded,
“Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the motorway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move.
However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Policeman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.”
He said,…
“Your donkey was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”
I said: ………………………….
A man had the worst day of his life
Finding one of her student Little Johnny
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,‘” asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded,
“Well. I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite donkey Bessie into the…”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted,
“just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’“.
Farmer Joe said,
“Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said,
“Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Police officer on the scene that he was fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer,
“I’d like to hear what he has to say.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded,
“Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the motorway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move.
However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Policeman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.”
He said,…
“Your donkey was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”
I said: ………………………….
A man had the worst day of his life
Finding one of her student Little Johnny
7.
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket and starts throwing the frozen veggies on the floor, so the Manager asks if he can help.
“I’m looking for Broccoli,” informed that they are out of stock she leaves.
Within an hour she’s back throwing the frozen veggies onto the floor,
The irate Manager asks again If he can help, “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
Once again he informs her they are out of stock.
15 min before closing, she comes stalking straight to the Frozen veggies, as she is about to start throwing them out,
The very irritated Manager asks can I help “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
The Manager asks Madam can you spell Dog in Dog more,
She says yes “DOG.”
“Very good, can you spell Cat in Cats delight.”
She says “CAT.”
“Very good, now can you spell bang in Broccoli.”
She says “there’s no bang in Broccoli.”
Madam, I’ve been trying to tell you that all day!!!
A few women were sitting around the table
A lady went into the pharmacy
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket and starts throwing the frozen veggies on the floor, so the Manager asks if he can help.
“I’m looking for Broccoli,” informed that they are out of stock she leaves.
Within an hour she’s back throwing the frozen veggies onto the floor,
The irate Manager asks again If he can help, “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
Once again he informs her they are out of stock.
15 min before closing, she comes stalking straight to the Frozen veggies, as she is about to start throwing them out,
The very irritated Manager asks can I help “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
The Manager asks Madam can you spell Dog in Dog more,
She says yes “DOG.”
“Very good, can you spell Cat in Cats delight.”
She says “CAT.”
“Very good, now can you spell bang in Broccoli.”
She says “there’s no bang in Broccoli.”
Madam, I’ve been trying to tell you that all day!!!
A few women were sitting around the table
A lady went into the pharmacy
8.
One day a little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver.
He starts saying things like: If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I would be a little rooster.
The bus driver said shut up!
Still the boy went on, if my mom was a female elephant and my dad was a male elephant, I would be a little male elephant.
The bus driver said shut up!
Still the boy went on if my mom was a female dog and my dad was a male dog, I would be a little male dog.
The bus driver got so mad, and asked “If your mom was a call girl, and your dad was a faggot, what would you be?
The boy answered: “A bus driver.”
There was an old lady who was very small
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle
One day a little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver.
He starts saying things like: If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I would be a little rooster.
The bus driver said shut up!
Still the boy went on, if my mom was a female elephant and my dad was a male elephant, I would be a little male elephant.
The bus driver said shut up!
Still the boy went on if my mom was a female dog and my dad was a male dog, I would be a little male dog.
The bus driver got so mad, and asked “If your mom was a call girl, and your dad was a faggot, what would you be?
The boy answered: “A bus driver.”
There was an old lady who was very small
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle
9.
The drunk man thinks to himself, “I’d like to have a duck for my dinner.”
So the man grabs a massive stick, and plonks a baby duck that was sitting on the edge with it!
He grabs up the little duckling and begins to pluck all of its feathers out.
Suddenly, a park ranger comes along so the man quickly throws the duck back into the water.
The park ranger says, “Were you trying to steal a duck? There’s a bald duck in the water.”
“No sir,” says the drunk man.
“I was just sitting here talking to the ducks!”
The park ranger said,” Well then, how do you explain all the feathers around you, eh?”
The drunk man says,” Well, the little duckies said he wanted to go for a swim, so I said of course, I’ll mind your clothes for you!”
A guy stood over his tee shot
She called him on the mobile
The drunk man thinks to himself, “I’d like to have a duck for my dinner.”
So the man grabs a massive stick, and plonks a baby duck that was sitting on the edge with it!
He grabs up the little duckling and begins to pluck all of its feathers out.
Suddenly, a park ranger comes along so the man quickly throws the duck back into the water.
The park ranger says, “Were you trying to steal a duck? There’s a bald duck in the water.”
“No sir,” says the drunk man.
“I was just sitting here talking to the ducks!”
The park ranger said,” Well then, how do you explain all the feathers around you, eh?”
The drunk man says,” Well, the little duckies said he wanted to go for a swim, so I said of course, I’ll mind your clothes for you!”
A guy stood over his tee shot
She called him on the mobile
10.
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator.
It’s about 10 feet long.
The bartender flips out and says, “Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here.
It’s going to bite one of my customers and I’m going to get sued.”
The guy says, “No no no, it’s a tame alligator.
I’ll prove it to you.”
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar.
Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator’s mouth.
The alligator just keeps his mouth open.
After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator’s mouth and zips up his pants and says, “See, I told you it was a tame alligator.
Anybody else want to try it?”
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, “Yah, I’d like to try it but I don’t think I can hold my mouth open that long.
There are 3 girls on a island
Two hot young ladies are talking
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator.
It’s about 10 feet long.
The bartender flips out and says, “Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here.
It’s going to bite one of my customers and I’m going to get sued.”
The guy says, “No no no, it’s a tame alligator.
I’ll prove it to you.”
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar.
Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator’s mouth.
The alligator just keeps his mouth open.
After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator’s mouth and zips up his pants and says, “See, I told you it was a tame alligator.
Anybody else want to try it?”
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, “Yah, I’d like to try it but I don’t think I can hold my mouth open that long.
There are 3 girls on a island
Two hot young ladies are talking
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11.
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
A elderly couple named Bill and Helen
A man was going up to bed
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
A elderly couple named Bill and Helen
A man was going up to bed
12.
Anna realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said:
“That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”
The girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister: “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said: “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
The son asks the father
A teacher is teaching a class
Anna realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said:
“That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”
The girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister: “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said: “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
The son asks the father
A teacher is teaching a class
13.
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father
14.
I recall my first time with a protection.
I was 16 or so and I went in to buy a packet of protections at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.
It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.
She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the protection on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her undergarment and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and BOOM, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that protection on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”
After returning from his honeymoon
A family goes to the zoo
I recall my first time with a protection.
I was 16 or so and I went in to buy a packet of protections at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.
It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.
She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the protection on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her undergarment and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and BOOM, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that protection on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”
After returning from his honeymoon
A family goes to the zoo
15.
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St.Peter says, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things.
Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.
First, St.Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches.
Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St.Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St.Peter, “What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?”
St.Peter replies, “That was just the screen saver.”
Two elderly grandparents
The three wishes by the Fairy mother
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St.Peter says, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things.
Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.
First, St.Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches.
Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St.Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St.Peter, “What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?”
St.Peter replies, “That was just the screen saver.”
Two elderly grandparents
The three wishes by the Fairy mother
16.
The teacher asks her class
“What is love?”
Little Johnny stands up says ,
“love is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination.
Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?”
And the teacher fainted.
A guy meet his friends for drink
Elder brother and his girlfriend
The teacher asks her class
“What is love?”
Little Johnny stands up says ,
“love is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination.
Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?”
And the teacher fainted.
A guy meet his friends for drink
Elder brother and his girlfriend
17.
Frank went to the gym as he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.
The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “loose 1kg guaranteed”, “loose 3 kg guaranteed”, “loose 5kg guaranteed” and “loose 10kg guarantees”.
However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.
He accepted the offer and the receptionist told him to wait at home.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
Frank opened the door to a hot girl standing with a sign around her neck saying “catch me and I’m yours”.
The girl took off and Frank went running after her for 10km.
Unable to catch, he went back home.
After the exhaustion wore off, he found that he lost 1 kg.
Delighted, he immediately went back to the gym and signed up for the 3kg package.
The next day, the doorbell rang again.
Frank opened the door to an even hotter girl, shirtless with the same sign.
Again, she took off and he ran after her. This time for 20km.
Frank was again unable to catch.
So he went home disappointed, until he found that he lost 3kg.
So again, he went back to the gym for round 3, 5kg.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
It was an even hotter girl, only wearing corset, thongs and running shoes with a sign, “catch me and I’m yours”.
He chased her until sunset, nearly catching her.
He went home excited.
Finding himself loosing 5kg, and that he’d catch the next one, maybe a completely undressed hot women.
He went to the gym for the 10kg package.
He turned around to find a buffed bodybuilder with a sign around his neck.
“Catch you, and you’re mine.”
Three Nuns Are Talking
One day, there were two boys
Frank went to the gym as he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.
The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “loose 1kg guaranteed”, “loose 3 kg guaranteed”, “loose 5kg guaranteed” and “loose 10kg guarantees”.
However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.
He accepted the offer and the receptionist told him to wait at home.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
Frank opened the door to a hot girl standing with a sign around her neck saying “catch me and I’m yours”.
The girl took off and Frank went running after her for 10km.
Unable to catch, he went back home.
After the exhaustion wore off, he found that he lost 1 kg.
Delighted, he immediately went back to the gym and signed up for the 3kg package.
The next day, the doorbell rang again.
Frank opened the door to an even hotter girl, shirtless with the same sign.
Again, she took off and he ran after her. This time for 20km.
Frank was again unable to catch.
So he went home disappointed, until he found that he lost 3kg.
So again, he went back to the gym for round 3, 5kg.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
It was an even hotter girl, only wearing corset, thongs and running shoes with a sign, “catch me and I’m yours”.
He chased her until sunset, nearly catching her.
He went home excited.
Finding himself loosing 5kg, and that he’d catch the next one, maybe a completely undressed hot women.
He went to the gym for the 10kg package.
He turned around to find a buffed bodybuilder with a sign around his neck.
“Catch you, and you’re mine.”
Three Nuns Are Talking
One day, there were two boys
18.
A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman… “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”
Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!”
So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well.
The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing!
The barman was blown away by this and agrees to the drinks and then asks, “Where did you find him?”
“Well,” says the man, “I found this magic lamp.”
The man digs into the box and pulls out this old brass oil lamp
“I rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted me one wish and then he said I must pass the lamp on to the next person that did me a kindness.”
“Wow,” says the barman.
The man then says, “As you gave me a drink I’m going to let you have the lamp.
Be careful what you wish for though.”
So the barman rubs the lamp and then makes his wish.
Next thing the bar has ducks everywhere!!!
Crapping on the bar and the floor and all over the customers!
The barman shouts at the man saying, “I wished for a million Bucks! not a million ducks!”
To this the man replies, “And you think that I wished for a 12 inch Pianist?!”
A teacher shows three toys to a student
A gnat annoyed with a lion for disturbing
A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman… “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”
Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!”
So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well.
The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing!
The barman was blown away by this and agrees to the drinks and then asks, “Where did you find him?”
“Well,” says the man, “I found this magic lamp.”
The man digs into the box and pulls out this old brass oil lamp
“I rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted me one wish and then he said I must pass the lamp on to the next person that did me a kindness.”
“Wow,” says the barman.
The man then says, “As you gave me a drink I’m going to let you have the lamp.
Be careful what you wish for though.”
So the barman rubs the lamp and then makes his wish.
Next thing the bar has ducks everywhere!!!
Crapping on the bar and the floor and all over the customers!
The barman shouts at the man saying, “I wished for a million Bucks! not a million ducks!”
To this the man replies, “And you think that I wished for a 12 inch Pianist?!”
A teacher shows three toys to a student
A gnat annoyed with a lion for disturbing
19.
A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.
After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.
“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”
“Simple. I’m not going.”
“Why not?”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.
First of all, the church is cold in the morning.
It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.
Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.
And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you are going.
First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.
Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”
A couple that has been dating
A sweet old lady is making lunch
A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.
After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.
“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”
“Simple. I’m not going.”
“Why not?”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.
First of all, the church is cold in the morning.
It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.
Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.
And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you are going.
First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.
Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”
A couple that has been dating
A sweet old lady is making lunch
20.
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively asked the lady,
“Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby.”
With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”
She answered, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked,
“Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
“Then why did you eat him?”
Divorce letter with funny end
Little Mary was not the best student
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively asked the lady,
“Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby.”
With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”
She answered, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked,
“Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
“Then why did you eat him?”
Divorce letter with funny end
Little Mary was not the best student
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21.
A Vicar goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to help him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Vicar explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn’t talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife’s teeth in by mistake and he couldn’t shut up.
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
He didn’t speak for two years
A Vicar goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to help him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Vicar explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn’t talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife’s teeth in by mistake and he couldn’t shut up.
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
He didn’t speak for two years
22.
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in its mouth.
The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house.
He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy,
“Did you hear that Fluffy died?” The guy stammers and says, “Um… no… what happened?” The neighbor replies,
“We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.
There are some real sick people out there!”
A man is talking to a local at the pub
A teacher is going over farming tools
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in its mouth.
The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house.
He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy,
“Did you hear that Fluffy died?” The guy stammers and says, “Um… no… what happened?” The neighbor replies,
“We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.
There are some real sick people out there!”
A man is talking to a local at the pub
A teacher is going over farming tools
23.
An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear.
The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem.
“Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.”
The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper.
“Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?”
After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response.
Then again at 10 feet away and again no response.
Edward was lying on his deathbed
A blonde sitting in the first class
An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear.
The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem.
“Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.”
The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper.
“Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?”
After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response.
Then again at 10 feet away and again no response.
Edward was lying on his deathbed
A blonde sitting in the first class
24.
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand.
“We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.
“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”
“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered.
“But she’s a humble spinster nun.”
“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters.’ They are married to God.”
“Wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
The math teacher was giving a lesson
A new nurse at a hospital
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand.
“We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.
“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”
“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered.
“But she’s a humble spinster nun.”
“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters.’ They are married to God.”
“Wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
The math teacher was giving a lesson
A new nurse at a hospital
25.
Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation.
“It’s terrible,” she said to the doctor.
“I haven’t moved my bowels in more than a week.”
“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.
“Oh, yes,” Aunt Cora replied,
“I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night.”
“No,” the doctor said,
“I mean do you take anything?”
“Of course I do.” she answered,
“I take a magazine.”
He gets a checkup with his physician
A old man was seated by the shoreline
Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation.
“It’s terrible,” she said to the doctor.
“I haven’t moved my bowels in more than a week.”
“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.
“Oh, yes,” Aunt Cora replied,
“I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night.”
“No,” the doctor said,
“I mean do you take anything?”
“Of course I do.” she answered,
“I take a magazine.”
He gets a checkup with his physician
A old man was seated by the shoreline
26.
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands.
They had been silent for a while, then the lass said, “A penny for your thoughts.”
The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, “Well, I was thinking’ how nice it would be if ye’d give me a wee bit of a kiss.”
So she did so.
But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, “What are ye thinking’ now?”
To which the lad replied: “Well, I was hoping’ ye hadn’t forgot the penny!”
Two old school friends meet on the street
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands.
They had been silent for a while, then the lass said, “A penny for your thoughts.”
The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, “Well, I was thinking’ how nice it would be if ye’d give me a wee bit of a kiss.”
So she did so.
But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, “What are ye thinking’ now?”
To which the lad replied: “Well, I was hoping’ ye hadn’t forgot the penny!”
Two old school friends meet on the street
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing
27.
There was once a small town called Redditville.
In this town lived a homeless man named ThunderingSacks.
Our homeless hero was well known for taking a dump in public at the same spot every day.
In this spot was a 2×4 piece of wood. It pointed straight up out the ground.
One day while doing his business, ThunderingSacks heard a scream. A young woman was being chased by a man with a knife.
ThunderingSacks pulled up his trousers and ran to her rescue. He was able to scare the attacker off but only after being stabbed.
Dying, ThunderingSacks beckoned the girl over.
He whispered in her ear, “Take care of my poop station.” ThunderingSacks was no more.
After his passing, word got out about his heroic deed.
People from all over town went to the 2×4 that was his restroom and threw money and jewelry at it to pay respect.
Two men stood watching. The first man said, “If only we appreciate him more when he was alive.”
The second man replies,
“Yes, he was a good man.
Nobody would have expected that his shitpost would be riddled with platinum, gold, and silver
A hunter had been out hunting bear
An elderly man and his wife
There was once a small town called Redditville.
In this town lived a homeless man named ThunderingSacks.
Our homeless hero was well known for taking a dump in public at the same spot every day.
In this spot was a 2×4 piece of wood. It pointed straight up out the ground.
One day while doing his business, ThunderingSacks heard a scream. A young woman was being chased by a man with a knife.
ThunderingSacks pulled up his trousers and ran to her rescue. He was able to scare the attacker off but only after being stabbed.
Dying, ThunderingSacks beckoned the girl over.
He whispered in her ear, “Take care of my poop station.” ThunderingSacks was no more.
After his passing, word got out about his heroic deed.
People from all over town went to the 2×4 that was his restroom and threw money and jewelry at it to pay respect.
Two men stood watching. The first man said, “If only we appreciate him more when he was alive.”
The second man replies,
“Yes, he was a good man.
Nobody would have expected that his shitpost would be riddled with platinum, gold, and silver
A hunter had been out hunting bear
An elderly man and his wife
28.
A teacher asks her class, ”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.
”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, ”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then Little Johnny says, ”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and taste it the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and taste it the cone.”
”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on but I like your thinking.”
She goes to doctor
A squirrel and 2 bees are going on a road trip
A teacher asks her class, ”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.
”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, ”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then Little Johnny says, ”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and taste it the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and taste it the cone.”
”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on but I like your thinking.”
She goes to doctor
A squirrel and 2 bees are going on a road trip
29.
A woman went to doctor’s office for her annual examination.
Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall.
He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax.
Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.
A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman’s doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren… and you told her she was pregnant?”
The woman’s doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t I?”
A teacher asks the kids
Two blondes were driving along a road
A woman went to doctor’s office for her annual examination.
Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall.
He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax.
Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.
A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman’s doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren… and you told her she was pregnant?”
The woman’s doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t I?”
A teacher asks the kids
Two blondes were driving along a road
30.
Moishe the Carpenter, returning home with his week’s wages, was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street.
“Take my money,” said Moishe, “but do me a favor: shoot a bullet through my hat otherwise my wife won’t believe I was robbed.”
The robber obliged he threw Moi-she’s hat into the air and put a bullet through it.
“Let’s make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers,” said Moishe, “otherwise my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of h*les through my coat.”
So the robber shot a number of h*les through the carpenter’s coat.
“And now?”
“Sorry,” interrupted the robber.
“No more h*les I’m out of bullets.”
“That’s all I wanted to know!” said Moishe.
“Now hand me back my money and some more for the hat and coat that you’ve ruined or I’ll beat you black and blue!”
The robber threw down the money and ran.
Once there was a business executive
A dead donkey in his front yard
Moishe the Carpenter, returning home with his week’s wages, was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street.
“Take my money,” said Moishe, “but do me a favor: shoot a bullet through my hat otherwise my wife won’t believe I was robbed.”
The robber obliged he threw Moi-she’s hat into the air and put a bullet through it.
“Let’s make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers,” said Moishe, “otherwise my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of h*les through my coat.”
So the robber shot a number of h*les through the carpenter’s coat.
“And now?”
“Sorry,” interrupted the robber.
“No more h*les I’m out of bullets.”
“That’s all I wanted to know!” said Moishe.
“Now hand me back my money and some more for the hat and coat that you’ve ruined or I’ll beat you black and blue!”
The robber threw down the money and ran.
Once there was a business executive
A dead donkey in his front yard
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Eng Jokes