1.
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer.
I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say,” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell
“I’m the groom.”
A really slow group of golfers
Salesman From La Tries To Trick Texas Lady
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer.
I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say,” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell
“I’m the groom.”
A really slow group of golfers
Salesman From La Tries To Trick Texas Lady
2.
One late Saturday night, a young guy walks 18-year-old Rachel to her front door.
They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny .
The alcohol they drank just minutes before, gave him a boost of confidence.
With a smile on his face, he leans with his arm against the wall and says:
“So… How about a bl*wjob?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you crazy? My parents might see us!”
He answers:
“Oh, come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?” She insists.
He continues, “Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
Her: “No way, it’s too risky.”
The light turns on
The boyfriend is now super horny:
“Please… I love you so much!”
She answers with a sad voice: “I love you too, but I just can’t…
I would never be able to look at my parents in the eyes again.”
“Please?..” the guy continues, now really desperate.
Out of the blue, the light on the door turns on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her shorts with messy hair.
In a sleepy voice, she says: “Dad says to go ahead and give him a bl*wjob.
Or mom can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it.
But for God’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom.
A blonde woman walking down the street
Doctor I’m having difficulty falling pregnant
One late Saturday night, a young guy walks 18-year-old Rachel to her front door.
They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny .
The alcohol they drank just minutes before, gave him a boost of confidence.
With a smile on his face, he leans with his arm against the wall and says:
“So… How about a bl*wjob?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you crazy? My parents might see us!”
He answers:
“Oh, come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?” She insists.
He continues, “Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
Her: “No way, it’s too risky.”
The light turns on
The boyfriend is now super horny:
“Please… I love you so much!”
She answers with a sad voice: “I love you too, but I just can’t…
I would never be able to look at my parents in the eyes again.”
“Please?..” the guy continues, now really desperate.
Out of the blue, the light on the door turns on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her shorts with messy hair.
In a sleepy voice, she says: “Dad says to go ahead and give him a bl*wjob.
Or mom can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it.
But for God’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom.
A blonde woman walking down the street
Doctor I’m having difficulty falling pregnant
3.
Frank and John left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
John, the passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!”
Frank, the driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.
John rolled his window down part way and scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”
The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”
John handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the Frank, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later we calmed down and started laughing again.
Frank said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry we’re doing 80 now.”
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
“There he is again,” John yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”
“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.
John threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”
We were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying’ to forget what we had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
“Oh my God! He’s back!” John rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”
The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”
A old man in Miami calls up his son
A wife asked a question to her husband
Frank and John left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
John, the passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!”
Frank, the driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.
John rolled his window down part way and scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”
The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”
John handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the Frank, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later we calmed down and started laughing again.
Frank said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry we’re doing 80 now.”
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
“There he is again,” John yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”
“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.
John threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”
We were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying’ to forget what we had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
“Oh my God! He’s back!” John rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”
The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”
A old man in Miami calls up his son
A wife asked a question to her husband
4.
A busty blonde woman walks into a New York bank and goes straight up to the counter.
“Hello,” the man behind the counter says to the woman. “How can I help you today?”
The blonde has to think for a moment and finally says, “I need a loan of two-hundred and fifty dollars.”
The bank teller responds, “That’s not a problem, miss. We’ll need you to put something up as collateral.”
The blonde takes another moment to think and says, “I have a car. I’ll put that up!”
The bank teller pulls out a form and asks the blonde, “That would work. What kind of car is it?”
The blonde hands the teller her keys and answers, “it’s a bright orange Lamborghini. It’s parked right outside.”
The blonde leaves as the teller finishes the form, dumbfounded by the transaction.
A week later, the blonde returns.
She has the loan and all of the interest that gathered over the last week.
She walks up to the same teller and hands him the money.
He then returns her keys.
As the blonde is leaving, the teller can’t fight the urge to ask any longer.
“Excuse, miss. I just have one question. Why did you put this four-hundred thousand car up as collateral for such a small amount of money?”
The blonde turns and replies, “Where else in New York City and I supposed to find parking for a week for as little as two-hundred and fifty dollars?”
A young lady is buying a box
A young man was watching the news
A busty blonde woman walks into a New York bank and goes straight up to the counter.
“Hello,” the man behind the counter says to the woman. “How can I help you today?”
The blonde has to think for a moment and finally says, “I need a loan of two-hundred and fifty dollars.”
The bank teller responds, “That’s not a problem, miss. We’ll need you to put something up as collateral.”
The blonde takes another moment to think and says, “I have a car. I’ll put that up!”
The bank teller pulls out a form and asks the blonde, “That would work. What kind of car is it?”
The blonde hands the teller her keys and answers, “it’s a bright orange Lamborghini. It’s parked right outside.”
The blonde leaves as the teller finishes the form, dumbfounded by the transaction.
A week later, the blonde returns.
She has the loan and all of the interest that gathered over the last week.
She walks up to the same teller and hands him the money.
He then returns her keys.
As the blonde is leaving, the teller can’t fight the urge to ask any longer.
“Excuse, miss. I just have one question. Why did you put this four-hundred thousand car up as collateral for such a small amount of money?”
The blonde turns and replies, “Where else in New York City and I supposed to find parking for a week for as little as two-hundred and fifty dollars?”
A young lady is buying a box
A young man was watching the news
5.
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
“Young lady,” the doctor began, “you’re pregnant.”
“But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice make love only with our eyes.”
“Well my dear,” said the doctor, “someone in that colony is c*ckeyed.”
A man and woman are sitting at a bar
A man went fishing one day
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
“Young lady,” the doctor began, “you’re pregnant.”
“But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice make love only with our eyes.”
“Well my dear,” said the doctor, “someone in that colony is c*ckeyed.”
A man and woman are sitting at a bar
A man went fishing one day
6.
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai, now old, who decided to teach Zen Buddhism to young people.
One afternoon, a warrior known for his complete lack of scruples arrived there.
The young and impatient warrior had never lost a fight.
Hearing of the Samurai’s reputation, he had come to defeat him, and increase his fame.
All the students were against the idea, but the old man accepted the challenge.
All gathered on the town square, and the young man started insulting the old master.
He threw a few rocks in his direction, spat in his face, shouted every insult under the sun he even insulted his ancestors.
For hours, he did everything to provoke him, but the old man remained impassive.
At the end of the afternoon, by now feeling exhausted and humiliated, the impetuous warrior left.
Disappointed by the fact that the master had received so many insults and provocations, the students asked:
How could you bear such indignity? Why didn’t you use your sword, even knowing you might lose the fight, instead of displaying your cowardice in front of us all?
If someone comes to you with a gift, and you do not accept it, who does the gift belong to? asked the Samurai.
He who tried to deliver it replied one of his disciples.
The same goes for envy, anger and insults said the master.
“When they are not accepted, they continue to belong to the one who carried them.”
A Priest was being honored
A merchant sent his son to learn the Secret
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai, now old, who decided to teach Zen Buddhism to young people.
One afternoon, a warrior known for his complete lack of scruples arrived there.
The young and impatient warrior had never lost a fight.
Hearing of the Samurai’s reputation, he had come to defeat him, and increase his fame.
All the students were against the idea, but the old man accepted the challenge.
All gathered on the town square, and the young man started insulting the old master.
He threw a few rocks in his direction, spat in his face, shouted every insult under the sun he even insulted his ancestors.
For hours, he did everything to provoke him, but the old man remained impassive.
At the end of the afternoon, by now feeling exhausted and humiliated, the impetuous warrior left.
Disappointed by the fact that the master had received so many insults and provocations, the students asked:
How could you bear such indignity? Why didn’t you use your sword, even knowing you might lose the fight, instead of displaying your cowardice in front of us all?
If someone comes to you with a gift, and you do not accept it, who does the gift belong to? asked the Samurai.
He who tried to deliver it replied one of his disciples.
The same goes for envy, anger and insults said the master.
“When they are not accepted, they continue to belong to the one who carried them.”
A Priest was being honored
A merchant sent his son to learn the Secret
7.
Lying in the hospital bed, a dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak.
The pastor, keeping watch at the side of his bed, leaned quietly over and asked,
“Do you have something you would like to say?”
The man nodded, and the pastor handed him a pad and pen.
”Use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife
She’s on her way.”
Gathering his last bit of strength, the scrawled his message and then died.
The pastor folded the note without reading it, then maintained a vigil until the wife arrived.
When she came, he handed her the note, “His last words,” the pastor said.
She fainted when she read, “GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!”
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera
Three old men were sitting on a bench
Lying in the hospital bed, a dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak.
The pastor, keeping watch at the side of his bed, leaned quietly over and asked,
“Do you have something you would like to say?”
The man nodded, and the pastor handed him a pad and pen.
”Use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife
She’s on her way.”
Gathering his last bit of strength, the scrawled his message and then died.
The pastor folded the note without reading it, then maintained a vigil until the wife arrived.
When she came, he handed her the note, “His last words,” the pastor said.
She fainted when she read, “GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!”
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera
Three old men were sitting on a bench
8.
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim undressed or make you get out of the pond undressed.’
Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator…’
An all the girls ran out of the water undressed and the old man just watched.
Some old men can still think fast.
The story goes that some time ago
Once upon a time an old man
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim undressed or make you get out of the pond undressed.’
Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator…’
An all the girls ran out of the water undressed and the old man just watched.
Some old men can still think fast.
The story goes that some time ago
Once upon a time an old man
9.
One day a blind man goes to a restaurant.
The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu.
The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.
The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.
The blind man smells it and says: “I’ll have the beef steak with mash potatoes and gravy and some chocolate brownies for dessert.”
The server brings him his food and the blind man enjoys his meal, pays the bill and leaves.
Next week, the blind man goes back to the same restaurant.
The server recognizes him and wanting to see how good the blind man’s sense of smell is, he goes to the kitchen and asks his wife, Brenda, for a spoon.
He instructs his wife, Brenda, to rub the spoon all over her private parts and so she does.’
The server hands the dirty spoon to the blind man.
The blind man takes a whiff and says: “I didn’t know Brenda worked here.”
A guy goes to the supermarket
A blonde walks into a bank
One day a blind man goes to a restaurant.
The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu.
The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.
The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.
The blind man smells it and says: “I’ll have the beef steak with mash potatoes and gravy and some chocolate brownies for dessert.”
The server brings him his food and the blind man enjoys his meal, pays the bill and leaves.
Next week, the blind man goes back to the same restaurant.
The server recognizes him and wanting to see how good the blind man’s sense of smell is, he goes to the kitchen and asks his wife, Brenda, for a spoon.
He instructs his wife, Brenda, to rub the spoon all over her private parts and so she does.’
The server hands the dirty spoon to the blind man.
The blind man takes a whiff and says: “I didn’t know Brenda worked here.”
A guy goes to the supermarket
A blonde walks into a bank
10.
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman.
She exclaims “Wow, what a great chest you have!”
He says, “Solid dynamite, babe.”
He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, “Wow, what massive calves you have!”
He flexes his leg muscles and says, “Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart.”
Then he removes his underwear and the blonde goes running and screaming in fear.
He gets dressed and goes chasing after the woman.
When he catches up to her, he asks, “Why the hell did you go running off like that?”
She replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was.”
The phone rang and a little boy answered
A guy was in an elevator one day
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman.
She exclaims “Wow, what a great chest you have!”
He says, “Solid dynamite, babe.”
He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, “Wow, what massive calves you have!”
He flexes his leg muscles and says, “Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart.”
Then he removes his underwear and the blonde goes running and screaming in fear.
He gets dressed and goes chasing after the woman.
When he catches up to her, he asks, “Why the hell did you go running off like that?”
She replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was.”
The phone rang and a little boy answered
A guy was in an elevator one day
📚 Recommended Posts
Witty And Funny Quotes That Hit RightLearn And Grow Best Wisdom Quotes To
Cheer Up Instantly Jokes For Happier Day
Positive Quotes That Turn Challenges
Six Engineers And Six Mathematicians
11.
An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp.
He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.”
The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?”
“I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.”
“Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.”
“Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.”
“I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.”
“Granted, and your ex-wife gets two.”
“Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says,
“You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads
Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner
An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp.
He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.”
The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?”
“I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.”
“Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.”
“Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.”
“I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.”
“Granted, and your ex-wife gets two.”
“Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says,
“You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads
Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner
12.
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer.
She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
“The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A blind man goes to a restaurant
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer.
She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
“The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A blind man goes to a restaurant
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane
13.
Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train.
Two men and two women faced each other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry.
Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine.
Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army.
And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?”
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, “What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!”
A beautiful woman goes to a gynecologist
A lawyer is talking to his client
Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train.
Two men and two women faced each other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry.
Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine.
Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army.
And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?”
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, “What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!”
A beautiful woman goes to a gynecologist
A lawyer is talking to his client
14.
The wife calls her Scientist Husband.
“Honey ! It’s Saturday night you are late”…
Husband: “I am busy with my team in an experiment.”
Wife: “What’s that experiment?”
Scientist Husband:
“We’ve just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambient temperature H2O and aqueous CO2, to cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O.
Now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapors of nicotine.
It’s a 4 or 5 round experiment, So I will be late.”
Wife: “Oh dear. I won’t disturb you, You take your time”.
Clarifications:- * C2H5OH (whiskey) * H2O(water) * CO2(soda) * Solidified H2O(ice) * Protein(chicken tikka) * Fumigating (smoking)
A Old Man And Woman
A wife comes home
The wife calls her Scientist Husband.
“Honey ! It’s Saturday night you are late”…
Husband: “I am busy with my team in an experiment.”
Wife: “What’s that experiment?”
Scientist Husband:
“We’ve just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambient temperature H2O and aqueous CO2, to cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O.
Now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapors of nicotine.
It’s a 4 or 5 round experiment, So I will be late.”
Wife: “Oh dear. I won’t disturb you, You take your time”.
Clarifications:- * C2H5OH (whiskey) * H2O(water) * CO2(soda) * Solidified H2O(ice) * Protein(chicken tikka) * Fumigating (smoking)
A Old Man And Woman
A wife comes home
15.
A guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”
The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find.
The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge mickey, the doctor says that’s the problem right there!
That weapon is so big it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing the stutter, we have several smaller transplants we can choose from and remove the big one.
So the guy agrees and has the surgery, a month later he goes back to see the doctor and says, “hey doc I can speak fantastically with no stutter, but my wife isn’t satisfied so I need my old roger back.”
The doctor says, “ffffVck yyyou.”
Johnny and Susie were playing
The nurse asks him
A guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”
The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find.
The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge mickey, the doctor says that’s the problem right there!
That weapon is so big it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing the stutter, we have several smaller transplants we can choose from and remove the big one.
So the guy agrees and has the surgery, a month later he goes back to see the doctor and says, “hey doc I can speak fantastically with no stutter, but my wife isn’t satisfied so I need my old roger back.”
The doctor says, “ffffVck yyyou.”
Johnny and Susie were playing
The nurse asks him
16.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing,” explains the doctor
“Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking he thinks to himself, “What a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks“What’s for dinner honey?
No answer
He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer
He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer
He now sees how serious her hearing problem is at this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH DANG TIME ALBERT, WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!”
The Argentinean golfer Robert
The cuckoo clock
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing,” explains the doctor
“Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking he thinks to himself, “What a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks“What’s for dinner honey?
No answer
He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer
He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer
He now sees how serious her hearing problem is at this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH DANG TIME ALBERT, WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!”
The Argentinean golfer Robert
The cuckoo clock
17.
A 6 year-old boy was in the market with his 4 year-old sister suddenly the boy found that his sister was lagging behind.
He stopped and looked back his sister was standing in front of a toy shop and was watching something with great interest.
The boy went back to her and asked, “Do you want something?”
The sister pointed at the doll.
The boy held her hand and like a responsible elder brother, gave that doll to her.
The sister was very very happy…
The shopkeeper was watching everything and getting amused to see the matured behavior of the boy now the boy came to the counter and asked the shopkeeper, “What is the cost of this doll, Sir?!”
The shopkeeper was a cool man and had experienced the odds of life so he asked the boy with a lot of love & affection, “Well, What can you pay?”
The boy took out all the shells that he had collected from sea shore, from his pocket and gave them to the shopkeeper.
The shopkeeper took the shells and started counting as if he were counting the currency.
Then he looked at the boy.
The boy asked him worriedly, “Is it less?”
The shopkeeper said, “No, No… These are more than the cost so I will return the remaining.”
Saying so, he kept only 4 shells with him and returned the remaining.
The boy, very happily kept those shells back in his pocket and went away with his sister.
A servant in that shop got very surprised watching all these.
He asked his master, “Sir ! You gave away such a costly doll just for 4 shells ???”
The shopkeeper said with a smile, “Well, for us these are mere shells but for that boy, these shells are very precious.”
And at this age he does not understand what money is, but when he will grow up, he definitely will.
And when he would remember that he purchased a doll with the Shells instead of Money, he will remember me and think that world is full of Good people.
It will help him develop a positive attitude and he too in turn will feel motivated to be Good.
Whatever emotion you infuse into the world, it will further spread.
If you do good, goodness will spread.
If you do bad, negativity will spread.
Realize you are a very powerful source of energy your good or bad will come back to you magnified.
Not in the ways you want it, and probably not in the ways you can understand it but it will come back.
The priest says
A farmer decided he wanted to go and see a movie
A 6 year-old boy was in the market with his 4 year-old sister suddenly the boy found that his sister was lagging behind.
He stopped and looked back his sister was standing in front of a toy shop and was watching something with great interest.
The boy went back to her and asked, “Do you want something?”
The sister pointed at the doll.
The boy held her hand and like a responsible elder brother, gave that doll to her.
The sister was very very happy…
The shopkeeper was watching everything and getting amused to see the matured behavior of the boy now the boy came to the counter and asked the shopkeeper, “What is the cost of this doll, Sir?!”
The shopkeeper was a cool man and had experienced the odds of life so he asked the boy with a lot of love & affection, “Well, What can you pay?”
The boy took out all the shells that he had collected from sea shore, from his pocket and gave them to the shopkeeper.
The shopkeeper took the shells and started counting as if he were counting the currency.
Then he looked at the boy.
The boy asked him worriedly, “Is it less?”
The shopkeeper said, “No, No… These are more than the cost so I will return the remaining.”
Saying so, he kept only 4 shells with him and returned the remaining.
The boy, very happily kept those shells back in his pocket and went away with his sister.
A servant in that shop got very surprised watching all these.
He asked his master, “Sir ! You gave away such a costly doll just for 4 shells ???”
The shopkeeper said with a smile, “Well, for us these are mere shells but for that boy, these shells are very precious.”
And at this age he does not understand what money is, but when he will grow up, he definitely will.
And when he would remember that he purchased a doll with the Shells instead of Money, he will remember me and think that world is full of Good people.
It will help him develop a positive attitude and he too in turn will feel motivated to be Good.
Whatever emotion you infuse into the world, it will further spread.
If you do good, goodness will spread.
If you do bad, negativity will spread.
Realize you are a very powerful source of energy your good or bad will come back to you magnified.
Not in the ways you want it, and probably not in the ways you can understand it but it will come back.
The priest says
A farmer decided he wanted to go and see a movie
18.
A man had a parrot of which he was excessively fond.
He kept it in a silver cage and fed it fruits and nuts and anything else the bird asked for, for the parrot was so clever it could engage in conversation.
The parrot longed for freedom and often asked for it but the merchant would always reply: “Ask for anything else.”
One day the parrot said to him: “Give me freedom and I’ll give you three pieces of advice that could be of great benefit to you.”
The merchant loved the parrot but he loved money more.
He thought: “If his advice helps me amass wealth, it would be worth it.”
“Go,” he said, opening the cage.
The parrot hopped out onto his hand.
“Never grieve over loss of wealth,” he said.
The merchant thought it was tame advice but said nothing.
The parrot flew to the roof of the merchant’s house.
“This is my second advice,” he said.
“Never believe everything that is told to you.”
“Tell me something that I don’t know,” said the man, sounding annoyed.
“What you don’t know is that I’ve two priceless gems in my stomach,” said the bird.
“Two priceless gems,” echoed the merchant.
“Oh, what a fool I was to set you free! I’ll regret this for the rest of my life!!”
“Don’t you want to hear my third advice?” asked the parrot.
“Tell me,” said the merchant, bitterly.
“I advised you never to grieve over losses but here you are grieving over losing me,” said the parrot.
“I advised you never to believe everything you hear but you immediately believed me when I told you I had two gems in my stomach.
Could I have survived if I really had two gems in my stomach?
My third advice is: “Listen, learn to listen with your mind instead of just with your ears.”
And with that, the parrot flew away, leaving the merchant gaping.
Test their skills in recognizing
A man asks in a formal tone
A man had a parrot of which he was excessively fond.
He kept it in a silver cage and fed it fruits and nuts and anything else the bird asked for, for the parrot was so clever it could engage in conversation.
The parrot longed for freedom and often asked for it but the merchant would always reply: “Ask for anything else.”
One day the parrot said to him: “Give me freedom and I’ll give you three pieces of advice that could be of great benefit to you.”
The merchant loved the parrot but he loved money more.
He thought: “If his advice helps me amass wealth, it would be worth it.”
“Go,” he said, opening the cage.
The parrot hopped out onto his hand.
“Never grieve over loss of wealth,” he said.
The merchant thought it was tame advice but said nothing.
The parrot flew to the roof of the merchant’s house.
“This is my second advice,” he said.
“Never believe everything that is told to you.”
“Tell me something that I don’t know,” said the man, sounding annoyed.
“What you don’t know is that I’ve two priceless gems in my stomach,” said the bird.
“Two priceless gems,” echoed the merchant.
“Oh, what a fool I was to set you free! I’ll regret this for the rest of my life!!”
“Don’t you want to hear my third advice?” asked the parrot.
“Tell me,” said the merchant, bitterly.
“I advised you never to grieve over losses but here you are grieving over losing me,” said the parrot.
“I advised you never to believe everything you hear but you immediately believed me when I told you I had two gems in my stomach.
Could I have survived if I really had two gems in my stomach?
My third advice is: “Listen, learn to listen with your mind instead of just with your ears.”
And with that, the parrot flew away, leaving the merchant gaping.
Test their skills in recognizing
A man asks in a formal tone
19.
One day a beggar knocked at the door of a house, and when a woman opened the door, asked her for alms.
“I’ve nothing to give you,” said the woman.
“Please go!”
The woman, who was newly married, lived with her mother-in-law when her mother-in-law heard her refusing alms to the beggar she was furious.
“Who are you to refuse alms to this man!” she demanded.
“I’m the mistress of the house!!”
Thus chastened, the daughter-in-law fled to her room.
“Thank you, kind lady,” said the beggar, ingratiatingly.
“All I asked for was a coin to buy food, I did not know she was not the mistress of the house.”
“She’s not!” snapped the woman.
“She had no right to refuse you alms I’m in charge here, and let me tell you something: you’re not getting a money from me!!”
And with that, she slammed the door in the beggar’s face.
Akbar & Birbal
A young lady was waiting for her flight
One day a beggar knocked at the door of a house, and when a woman opened the door, asked her for alms.
“I’ve nothing to give you,” said the woman.
“Please go!”
The woman, who was newly married, lived with her mother-in-law when her mother-in-law heard her refusing alms to the beggar she was furious.
“Who are you to refuse alms to this man!” she demanded.
“I’m the mistress of the house!!”
Thus chastened, the daughter-in-law fled to her room.
“Thank you, kind lady,” said the beggar, ingratiatingly.
“All I asked for was a coin to buy food, I did not know she was not the mistress of the house.”
“She’s not!” snapped the woman.
“She had no right to refuse you alms I’m in charge here, and let me tell you something: you’re not getting a money from me!!”
And with that, she slammed the door in the beggar’s face.
Akbar & Birbal
A young lady was waiting for her flight
20.
Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year.
“He’s a magician,” said the small boy.
“How interesting! What’s his favorite trick?
“Sawing people in half.”
“Really? Now, next question any brothers or sisters?”
“Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters.”
A old hunter of foxes
A Raven & A Swan
Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year.
“He’s a magician,” said the small boy.
“How interesting! What’s his favorite trick?
“Sawing people in half.”
“Really? Now, next question any brothers or sisters?”
“Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters.”
A old hunter of foxes
A Raven & A Swan
📚 Recommended Posts
Witty And Funny Quotes That Hit RightLearn And Grow Best Wisdom Quotes To
Cheer Up Instantly Jokes For Happier Day
Positive Quotes That Turn Challenges
Six Engineers And Six Mathematicians
21.
A bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a pure and I don’t know anything about make love. Can you explain it to me first?”
“Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison.”
And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time, the bride says, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
The bride again says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again,” to which the husband yelled, ”
Hey, it’s not a life sentence!!!”
A man was going up to bed
A blonde was summoned to court to appear
A bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a pure and I don’t know anything about make love. Can you explain it to me first?”
“Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison.”
And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time, the bride says, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
The bride again says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again,” to which the husband yelled, ”
Hey, it’s not a life sentence!!!”
A man was going up to bed
A blonde was summoned to court to appear
22.
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
“I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared, “just as I do at the dinner table.”
Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.
“Is that better?” he asked, with a hint of a smile.”
“Yes,” replied the girl, “much better.”
“Very good, darling,” the husband whispered.
“Now would you be so kind as to please pass the privates.”
A husband and his wife sitting in a bar
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
“I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared, “just as I do at the dinner table.”
Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.
“Is that better?” he asked, with a hint of a smile.”
“Yes,” replied the girl, “much better.”
“Very good, darling,” the husband whispered.
“Now would you be so kind as to please pass the privates.”
A husband and his wife sitting in a bar
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon
23.
A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.
She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his undressed patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
“Miss Smith,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”
The Policeman recently stopped a woman
There was this guy at a bar
A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.
She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his undressed patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
“Miss Smith,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”
The Policeman recently stopped a woman
There was this guy at a bar
24.
The salesman approaches the farmer and says, “Good day to you sir! I’d like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what.”
Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and without a word leads the man to the barn.
When they get there he says,
“You a good salesman? Let me tell you a story.”
“The other day I came out to milk old Bessie. I just got sat down behind her and she kicks me with her back left leg.”
“So I tied it to the stall. Then she kicks me with her back right leg. So I tied that to the stall, too. Then she swats me right in the face with her tail. So I tied a piece of twine to her tail and looped the other end
over the rafters.”
The salesman gives a puzzled nod, and the farmer continues.
“Then my wife walked into the barn and she sees me standing behind old Bessie.”
“Now, mister… if you can convince my wife I was only trying to MILK that cow I’ll buy one of your damn tractors.”
A baby turtle was standing
Three little boys visiting their grandparents
The salesman approaches the farmer and says, “Good day to you sir! I’d like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what.”
Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and without a word leads the man to the barn.
When they get there he says,
“You a good salesman? Let me tell you a story.”
“The other day I came out to milk old Bessie. I just got sat down behind her and she kicks me with her back left leg.”
“So I tied it to the stall. Then she kicks me with her back right leg. So I tied that to the stall, too. Then she swats me right in the face with her tail. So I tied a piece of twine to her tail and looped the other end
over the rafters.”
The salesman gives a puzzled nod, and the farmer continues.
“Then my wife walked into the barn and she sees me standing behind old Bessie.”
“Now, mister… if you can convince my wife I was only trying to MILK that cow I’ll buy one of your damn tractors.”
A baby turtle was standing
Three little boys visiting their grandparents
25.
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.
His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!”
“I bought it today,” he says.
“With what money?” says his mother.
They knew what a new F150 cost.
“Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”
The father looks at him like he’s crazy.
“Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” he says.
“It was the lady up the street,” says the boy.
“I don’t know her name they just moved in.
She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my Goodness!” says the mother.
“Maybe she’s mentally ill or has Alzheimer’s something. John, you better go see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.
He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.
“Well,” she says, “two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the father says.
“But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?”
“Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash.
He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.”
A old man came to his doctor office
A lady is working at old people home
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.
His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!”
“I bought it today,” he says.
“With what money?” says his mother.
They knew what a new F150 cost.
“Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”
The father looks at him like he’s crazy.
“Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” he says.
“It was the lady up the street,” says the boy.
“I don’t know her name they just moved in.
She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my Goodness!” says the mother.
“Maybe she’s mentally ill or has Alzheimer’s something. John, you better go see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.
He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.
“Well,” she says, “two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the father says.
“But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?”
“Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash.
He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.”
A old man came to his doctor office
A lady is working at old people home
26.
Johnny and Susie were playing undressed, wondering why they have different “parts”
When Johnny got home he asked his mother why he had a stick and Susie had a hole.
Johnny’s mother said “oh son, you have a Ferrari, and Susie has a garage; the time will come and you’ll park your Ferrari in her garage.”
When Susie got home she asked her father why she had a hole and Johnny had a stick.
Susie’s father stated “you have a garage and Johnny is just a sports car trying to park. Don’t let him park in your garage!”
So a few days pass and sure enough, Johnny and Susie are playing undressed again when Johnny proudly stands up and says “Susie, let me park my Ferrari in your garage”, to which she refuses.
Johnny continues to insist on parking his Ferrari until Susie has had enough and goes home.
When Susie gets home, her mother asks “Susie… what’s all that red stuff on your hands?” To which Susie replied: “Johnny tried to park his Ferrari in my garage, so I ripped the back wheels off.”
A man goes to take out a loan
A guy who has a bad stutter
Johnny and Susie were playing undressed, wondering why they have different “parts”
When Johnny got home he asked his mother why he had a stick and Susie had a hole.
Johnny’s mother said “oh son, you have a Ferrari, and Susie has a garage; the time will come and you’ll park your Ferrari in her garage.”
When Susie got home she asked her father why she had a hole and Johnny had a stick.
Susie’s father stated “you have a garage and Johnny is just a sports car trying to park. Don’t let him park in your garage!”
So a few days pass and sure enough, Johnny and Susie are playing undressed again when Johnny proudly stands up and says “Susie, let me park my Ferrari in your garage”, to which she refuses.
Johnny continues to insist on parking his Ferrari until Susie has had enough and goes home.
When Susie gets home, her mother asks “Susie… what’s all that red stuff on your hands?” To which Susie replied: “Johnny tried to park his Ferrari in my garage, so I ripped the back wheels off.”
A man goes to take out a loan
A guy who has a bad stutter
27.
A husband a doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
‘What took you so long to answer to the phone?’
She says, ‘I was in bed.’
‘In bed this early, doing what?’
‘Getting a second opinion!’
A Husband and wife are shopping
A wife prepared special dinner for her husband
A husband a doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
‘What took you so long to answer to the phone?’
She says, ‘I was in bed.’
‘In bed this early, doing what?’
‘Getting a second opinion!’
A Husband and wife are shopping
A wife prepared special dinner for her husband
28.
A recently divorced man, heartbroken and down on his luck, comes across a magical genie lamp Thinking his luck has finally changed, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.
“I am an all and powerful genie you get three wishes, but I must tell you in advance, anything you wish for, your ex-wife gets double.”
So the man thinks for a few moments and asks for his first wish.
“I want a beautiful mansion.”
The genie grants his wish of a brand new, beautiful mansion, and his ex-wife got 2 beautiful mansions.
A few minutes later he asks for his second wish.
“I want 100 millions dollars.”
The genie grants his wish of 100 million dollars and his ex-wife got 200 million dollars.
On his final wish he takes some time to really think of what he wants finally… he asks for his third wish.
“I want you to scare me half to death.”
A old man is eating his lunch
A very wealthy lawyer
A recently divorced man, heartbroken and down on his luck, comes across a magical genie lamp Thinking his luck has finally changed, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.
“I am an all and powerful genie you get three wishes, but I must tell you in advance, anything you wish for, your ex-wife gets double.”
So the man thinks for a few moments and asks for his first wish.
“I want a beautiful mansion.”
The genie grants his wish of a brand new, beautiful mansion, and his ex-wife got 2 beautiful mansions.
A few minutes later he asks for his second wish.
“I want 100 millions dollars.”
The genie grants his wish of 100 million dollars and his ex-wife got 200 million dollars.
On his final wish he takes some time to really think of what he wants finally… he asks for his third wish.
“I want you to scare me half to death.”
A old man is eating his lunch
A very wealthy lawyer
29.
A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper, “Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?”
“Yes,” the professor answered.
“When I was a young candidate at the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.”
“Well,” said the gatekeeper. “That is a very minor sin. You may enter.”
“Thank you very much, Saint Peter,” the professor answered.
“You’re welcome, but I am not Saint Peter,” said the gatekeeper.
“He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas.”
There was this guy at a bar
Two men are in a doctor office
A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper, “Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?”
“Yes,” the professor answered.
“When I was a young candidate at the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.”
“Well,” said the gatekeeper. “That is a very minor sin. You may enter.”
“Thank you very much, Saint Peter,” the professor answered.
“You’re welcome, but I am not Saint Peter,” said the gatekeeper.
“He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas.”
There was this guy at a bar
Two men are in a doctor office
30.
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!”
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
A boy is selling fish on a corner
They slip into a nearby cemetery
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!”
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
A boy is selling fish on a corner
They slip into a nearby cemetery
Tags:
Eng Jokes