1.
A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time.
He’s looking for a drinking glass when he notices a row of cups in the cabinet, each of them inscribed with what seems like half words.
He picks one of them down just as girlfriend’s mom walks in, and he asks her what the cups are for.
“Oh those. They’re family cups, one for each member, but my eyesight has gotten so bad I can no longer tell which is which, so I wrote on them to help myself.”
She pulls one cup down that says “HIC-” holding it out to the man
“This is for little Thomas, it holds just enough water to help cure his hiccups, so I wrote HIC on it, it’s the HIC-cup!”
She then pulls down another cup “This is for Angela, but it says BREA. whenever she’s heartbroken she likes to drink hot toddy, so this is her BREA-Cup.”
“Ahh, okay I see it now.” Says the boy “But doesn’t your husband have his own cup?”
“Oh he does” The mom replies “It’s the large one that says ‘SHUTTHEFU’ on it…”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Three ladies walked into a bar
A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time.
He’s looking for a drinking glass when he notices a row of cups in the cabinet, each of them inscribed with what seems like half words.
He picks one of them down just as girlfriend’s mom walks in, and he asks her what the cups are for.
“Oh those. They’re family cups, one for each member, but my eyesight has gotten so bad I can no longer tell which is which, so I wrote on them to help myself.”
She pulls one cup down that says “HIC-” holding it out to the man
“This is for little Thomas, it holds just enough water to help cure his hiccups, so I wrote HIC on it, it’s the HIC-cup!”
She then pulls down another cup “This is for Angela, but it says BREA. whenever she’s heartbroken she likes to drink hot toddy, so this is her BREA-Cup.”
“Ahh, okay I see it now.” Says the boy “But doesn’t your husband have his own cup?”
“Oh he does” The mom replies “It’s the large one that says ‘SHUTTHEFU’ on it…”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Three ladies walked into a bar
2.
A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”
The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church.
So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“
The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.
Husband crying uncontrollably
A poor family
A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”
The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church.
So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“
The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.
Husband crying uncontrollably
A poor family
3.
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.
Brunette: “Last night I had three peak in a row!”
Blonde: “That’s nothing; last night I had over a hundred.”
Brunette: “My god! I had no idea he was that good.”
Blonde: looking shocked “Oh, you mean with one person?”
Two hunters get up early one morning
A Irishman’s been at pub all night
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.
Brunette: “Last night I had three peak in a row!”
Blonde: “That’s nothing; last night I had over a hundred.”
Brunette: “My god! I had no idea he was that good.”
Blonde: looking shocked “Oh, you mean with one person?”
Two hunters get up early one morning
A Irishman’s been at pub all night
4.
A doctor takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes, and says to Mr. Smith, “I have some bad news.
The tests results came back positive for cancer. Now, I can help you through this with counseling. I have a one o’clock tee time, why don’t you join me.”
They go to the golf course, and on the first tee the patient runs into a few guys he knows and he tells them he is dying of AIDS.
Curious, the doctor asks, “Why are you telling everyone you are dying of AIDS when in fact you are dying of cancer?”
The guy looks at the doctor and in a very low voice says, “I don’t want any of my friends sleeping with my wife after I die.”
A good looking guy is sitting in a bar
A teacher trying to teach good manners
A doctor takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes, and says to Mr. Smith, “I have some bad news.
The tests results came back positive for cancer. Now, I can help you through this with counseling. I have a one o’clock tee time, why don’t you join me.”
They go to the golf course, and on the first tee the patient runs into a few guys he knows and he tells them he is dying of AIDS.
Curious, the doctor asks, “Why are you telling everyone you are dying of AIDS when in fact you are dying of cancer?”
The guy looks at the doctor and in a very low voice says, “I don’t want any of my friends sleeping with my wife after I die.”
A good looking guy is sitting in a bar
A teacher trying to teach good manners
5.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?”
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
“Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
“No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded.
“That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered.
“The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
The patient ask to doctor
A lawyer a stop over by a Scottish police officer
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?”
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
“Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
“No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded.
“That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered.
“The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
The patient ask to doctor
A lawyer a stop over by a Scottish police officer
6.
A undressed woman is bouncing on her bed singing.
Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.
He watches her a while then says, “You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you’re doing?”
She says, “I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the melons of an eighteen year old.”
She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, “Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45-year-old bum?”
“Your name never came up,” she replied.
A husband and wife were sitting at the table
She charged that he had called her a pig
A undressed woman is bouncing on her bed singing.
Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.
He watches her a while then says, “You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you’re doing?”
She says, “I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the melons of an eighteen year old.”
She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, “Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45-year-old bum?”
“Your name never came up,” she replied.
A husband and wife were sitting at the table
She charged that he had called her a pig
7.
A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man,
“Do you smoke or drink?”
“No,” he replied.
“I’ve never done either.”
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women? ” inquired the doctor.
“No, I’ve never done any of those things either.”
“Well then,” said the doctor,
“what do you want to live to be a hundred for?
A pastor
The expensive printer photocopier
A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man,
“Do you smoke or drink?”
“No,” he replied.
“I’ve never done either.”
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women? ” inquired the doctor.
“No, I’ve never done any of those things either.”
“Well then,” said the doctor,
“what do you want to live to be a hundred for?
A pastor
The expensive printer photocopier
8.
A old couple are sitting in their rocking chair.
The old woman embroiders while the old man reads the paper.
The old woman looks at him with remembrance in her eyes, and she says,
“Honey you don’t ever sit next to me like you used to.”
He puts the paper down and scoots over close to her.
Then she says “Honey you don’t ever put your arm around me anymore.”
He again Puts the paper down and puts his arm around her.
She said, “Honey you never nibble on my ear anymore. ”
He gets up and walks away!
She said, “Honey where are you going.”
He said, “gotta go get my teeth.”
A woman was in bed with her lover
A couple were having an argument
A old couple are sitting in their rocking chair.
The old woman embroiders while the old man reads the paper.
The old woman looks at him with remembrance in her eyes, and she says,
“Honey you don’t ever sit next to me like you used to.”
He puts the paper down and scoots over close to her.
Then she says “Honey you don’t ever put your arm around me anymore.”
He again Puts the paper down and puts his arm around her.
She said, “Honey you never nibble on my ear anymore. ”
He gets up and walks away!
She said, “Honey where are you going.”
He said, “gotta go get my teeth.”
A woman was in bed with her lover
A couple were having an argument
9.
A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.
She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, “Just a stupid can of peaches.”
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, “I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store.”
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, “Nine! But why do you care about that?”
The judge answered patiently, “Well, ma’am because I’m going to give you nine days in jail one day for each peach.”
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady’s long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, “Yes sir, what do you have to add?”
The husband said meekly, “Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas.”
A elderly couple a priest and a doctor
Alan’s wife called him as he was at pub
A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.
She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, “Just a stupid can of peaches.”
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, “I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store.”
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, “Nine! But why do you care about that?”
The judge answered patiently, “Well, ma’am because I’m going to give you nine days in jail one day for each peach.”
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady’s long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, “Yes sir, what do you have to add?”
The husband said meekly, “Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas.”
A elderly couple a priest and a doctor
Alan’s wife called him as he was at pub
10.
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.
He says “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.”
The woman answered “Well, I have contacts.”
The policeman replied “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns
A blonde went to the hospital
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.
He says “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.”
The woman answered “Well, I have contacts.”
The policeman replied “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns
A blonde went to the hospital
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11.
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question this time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question with all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
“Mrs Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs Jones, that is very unusual, how old are you?”
“Ninety three.”
“Mrs Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world.”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: “It’s easy, I just outlived the bitches.”
The two were at the same table
The disciple asked the master
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question this time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question with all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
“Mrs Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs Jones, that is very unusual, how old are you?”
“Ninety three.”
“Mrs Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world.”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: “It’s easy, I just outlived the bitches.”
The two were at the same table
The disciple asked the master
12.
Once while travelling, Tenali Rama found himself in the company of a group of soldiers.
They were all veterans of war and soon they got to talking about their experiences on the battlefield.
One old soldier told of the time he had single-handedly slain seven enemy soldiers.
Another gave a detailed description of the manner in which he had held an entire enemy battalion at bay.
When they had finished they looked condescendingly at Rama.
“I don’t suppose you have any adventure worth telling,” said one of the grizzled warriors.
“Oh, but I have,” said Rama
“You have?!” said the soldiers.
“Yes,” said Rama
“Once while travelling I chanced upon a large tent
I entered and there, lying on a mat was the largest man I had ever seen.
I recognised him at once as a dreaded dacoit who had been terrorising that part of the country for years!”
“What did you do?” asked the soldiers, their interest now fully aroused.
“I cut off his toe and ran for dear life,” said Rama.
“His toe?” said a soldier.
“Why toe? You should have cut off his head while you had the chance!”
“Somebody had already done that,” said Rama, grinning.
The Dog, The Rooster And The Fox
The Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples
Once while travelling, Tenali Rama found himself in the company of a group of soldiers.
They were all veterans of war and soon they got to talking about their experiences on the battlefield.
One old soldier told of the time he had single-handedly slain seven enemy soldiers.
Another gave a detailed description of the manner in which he had held an entire enemy battalion at bay.
When they had finished they looked condescendingly at Rama.
“I don’t suppose you have any adventure worth telling,” said one of the grizzled warriors.
“Oh, but I have,” said Rama
“You have?!” said the soldiers.
“Yes,” said Rama
“Once while travelling I chanced upon a large tent
I entered and there, lying on a mat was the largest man I had ever seen.
I recognised him at once as a dreaded dacoit who had been terrorising that part of the country for years!”
“What did you do?” asked the soldiers, their interest now fully aroused.
“I cut off his toe and ran for dear life,” said Rama.
“His toe?” said a soldier.
“Why toe? You should have cut off his head while you had the chance!”
“Somebody had already done that,” said Rama, grinning.
The Dog, The Rooster And The Fox
The Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples
13.
A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
“That laundry is not very clean,” she said.
“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”
Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?”
The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
A 15 year old Little Johnny comes home
A guy took his blonde girlfriend
A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
“That laundry is not very clean,” she said.
“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”
Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?”
The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
A 15 year old Little Johnny comes home
A guy took his blonde girlfriend
14.
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer.” the man began, “I can explain”.
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back…”
“But officer, I just wanted to say….”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
A man entered the bus
A teacher asks the kids
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer.” the man began, “I can explain”.
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back…”
“But officer, I just wanted to say….”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
A man entered the bus
A teacher asks the kids
15.
A man sat in the confession booth in church and said
Forgive me, my Father, for I have sinned
What have you done my son ?
The priest asked. “I had a Promiscuous dream
I dream that I the touched the b**ast of Kim
Silence prevailed for a moment, followed by the noise of the priest leaving his seat.
The man thought to himself “Oh God , he must felt great resentment after my confession !!”
Suddenly , the door opened on the Christian side and the priest exclaimed :
“Let me kiss your hand”
Old Men Are Fast Thinkers Beware
Undressing
A man sat in the confession booth in church and said
Forgive me, my Father, for I have sinned
What have you done my son ?
The priest asked. “I had a Promiscuous dream
I dream that I the touched the b**ast of Kim
Silence prevailed for a moment, followed by the noise of the priest leaving his seat.
The man thought to himself “Oh God , he must felt great resentment after my confession !!”
Suddenly , the door opened on the Christian side and the priest exclaimed :
“Let me kiss your hand”
Old Men Are Fast Thinkers Beware
Undressing
16.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well… uh… that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second guy smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks,
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
A motorcycle police officer
A man had a parrot of which
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well… uh… that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second guy smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks,
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
A motorcycle police officer
A man had a parrot of which
17.
A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. “No,” the man replied.
“You failed to stop at the stop sign,” the cop explained.
“But I did slow down!” the guy argued.
The cop shook his head.
“You are required to stop. That’s why they’re called stop signs.”
The man started to get belligerent. “Stop, slow down what’s the difference?”
The cop pulled out his baton. “I can show you. I’m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down.”
The mother asked the doctor
A little girl asked her mother
A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. “No,” the man replied.
“You failed to stop at the stop sign,” the cop explained.
“But I did slow down!” the guy argued.
The cop shook his head.
“You are required to stop. That’s why they’re called stop signs.”
The man started to get belligerent. “Stop, slow down what’s the difference?”
The cop pulled out his baton. “I can show you. I’m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down.”
The mother asked the doctor
A little girl asked her mother
18.
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest.
The first one spied a nut and cried out, “Oh, look! A nut!”
The second squirrel jumped on it and said, “It’s my nut!”
The first squirrel said, “That’s not fair! I saw it first!”
“Well, you may have seen it, but I have it,” argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, “You shouldn’t quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute.”
The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, “Now, give me the nut.”
He broke the nut in half, and handed half of the shell to each squirrel, saying, “See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.”
Then he reached over and said, “And for my fee, I’ll take the meat.”
A guy walks into a shoe store
A man walks into a Chemist
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest.
The first one spied a nut and cried out, “Oh, look! A nut!”
The second squirrel jumped on it and said, “It’s my nut!”
The first squirrel said, “That’s not fair! I saw it first!”
“Well, you may have seen it, but I have it,” argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, “You shouldn’t quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute.”
The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, “Now, give me the nut.”
He broke the nut in half, and handed half of the shell to each squirrel, saying, “See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.”
Then he reached over and said, “And for my fee, I’ll take the meat.”
A guy walks into a shoe store
A man walks into a Chemist
19.
He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates.
St.Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St.Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged.
It does involves a lot of paperwork… but sure.
You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.”
Ralph never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn’t be that bad after all.
Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence.
Ralph replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.”
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just cluck twice and then push.”
Ralph clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg.
His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You’re shitting the bed!!!”
A woman goes to her doctor
A attorney telephoned the governor
He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates.
St.Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St.Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged.
It does involves a lot of paperwork… but sure.
You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.”
Ralph never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn’t be that bad after all.
Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence.
Ralph replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.”
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just cluck twice and then push.”
Ralph clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg.
His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You’re shitting the bed!!!”
A woman goes to her doctor
A attorney telephoned the governor
20.
Four nuns are in line to go into heaven.
God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned.
She says, “Well, I’ve seen a manhood.”
So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter.
He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, “I’ve held a manhood,”
so he puts holy water on her hands and lets her enter.
Then the fourth nun skips the third nun in line and God asks why she did that.
The 4th nun replies, “Well, I need to gargle it before she sits in it.”
Three men are traveling on a ship
Jesus & Moses and an old man go golfing
Four nuns are in line to go into heaven.
God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned.
She says, “Well, I’ve seen a manhood.”
So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter.
He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, “I’ve held a manhood,”
so he puts holy water on her hands and lets her enter.
Then the fourth nun skips the third nun in line and God asks why she did that.
The 4th nun replies, “Well, I need to gargle it before she sits in it.”
Three men are traveling on a ship
Jesus & Moses and an old man go golfing
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21.
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup.
“I think something is wrong with your back,” the doctor says.
“What makes you think that?” asks Quasimodo.
“I don’t know,” the doctor replies.
“It’s just a hunch.”
The lady sitting next to a man
A office exec was interviewing a blonde
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup.
“I think something is wrong with your back,” the doctor says.
“What makes you think that?” asks Quasimodo.
“I don’t know,” the doctor replies.
“It’s just a hunch.”
The lady sitting next to a man
A office exec was interviewing a blonde
22.
A man and his wife arrive from a business trip and go to his favorite steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town.
The waiter sits them and says, “Our special today is duck or shrimp.”
The man replies, “I want a T-bone steak medium-well.”
The waiter, a bit miffed continues, “What about the mad cow?”
The man looks at the waiter and says, “She can order for herself.”
A father is talking to his son about girls
Susie asks her mummy
A man and his wife arrive from a business trip and go to his favorite steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town.
The waiter sits them and says, “Our special today is duck or shrimp.”
The man replies, “I want a T-bone steak medium-well.”
The waiter, a bit miffed continues, “What about the mad cow?”
The man looks at the waiter and says, “She can order for herself.”
A father is talking to his son about girls
Susie asks her mummy
23.
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… like I said.
My boy’s names Graeme, a typical County Clare baby boy.”
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you?
Everybody’s been making’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks so how much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled and concerned.
“What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born.”
The father takes a slow swig of his Jame son Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:”Had Graeme circumcised.”
The teacher decided to observe
A Englishman, Irishman, Welshman
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… like I said.
My boy’s names Graeme, a typical County Clare baby boy.”
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you?
Everybody’s been making’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks so how much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled and concerned.
“What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born.”
The father takes a slow swig of his Jame son Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:”Had Graeme circumcised.”
The teacher decided to observe
A Englishman, Irishman, Welshman
24.
A man was driving down the highway when another car starts to tailgate him.
To make some room between them, the man in front speeds up and pulls ahead.
As he speeds up, the car behind him speeds up and matches his speed.
Again, the man speeds up to make some room between the two cars.
Again, the car behind him speeds up and continues to tailgate home.
To make matters work, the man’s wife calls his cell phone.
“Hey, dear, sorry I can’t talk right now.
I’m on the highway going ninety miles per hour but this bozo is still tailgating me like crazy.
And to make matters worse,” the man continues, “he’s blinding me with his red and blue lights.”
Three guys were walking through
Little kids want to help you
A man was driving down the highway when another car starts to tailgate him.
To make some room between them, the man in front speeds up and pulls ahead.
As he speeds up, the car behind him speeds up and matches his speed.
Again, the man speeds up to make some room between the two cars.
Again, the car behind him speeds up and continues to tailgate home.
To make matters work, the man’s wife calls his cell phone.
“Hey, dear, sorry I can’t talk right now.
I’m on the highway going ninety miles per hour but this bozo is still tailgating me like crazy.
And to make matters worse,” the man continues, “he’s blinding me with his red and blue lights.”
Three guys were walking through
Little kids want to help you
25.
A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?”
Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?”
Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”
“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs.”
She looked at him with confusion.
“Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?”
“Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’ If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room
A man and his wife are travelling through
A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?”
Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?”
Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”
“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs.”
She looked at him with confusion.
“Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?”
“Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’ If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room
A man and his wife are travelling through
26.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit $65 million.’
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Three young women are at a party
A hunter goes into the woods
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit $65 million.’
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Three young women are at a party
A hunter goes into the woods
27.
A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.
“Doctor, doctor! I’ve got this problem,” the man said.
“I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!”
“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly.
“Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”
“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”
Kid and cop
Two blondes had driven across the country
A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.
“Doctor, doctor! I’ve got this problem,” the man said.
“I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!”
“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly.
“Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”
“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”
Kid and cop
Two blondes had driven across the country
28.
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa and studying the wrinkles on his old face.
She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.
She touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“He sure did honey, a long time ago,” replies her grandpa.
“Well, did God make me?” asks the girl.
“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago,” answers her grandpa.
“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”
They walked down to their old school
A couple were having problems remembering things
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa and studying the wrinkles on his old face.
She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.
She touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“He sure did honey, a long time ago,” replies her grandpa.
“Well, did God make me?” asks the girl.
“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago,” answers her grandpa.
“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”
They walked down to their old school
A couple were having problems remembering things
29.
A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds,
vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.
He walks up to the man and asks: “What’s with the pony?”
“For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it” the man replies.
“That’s cool” the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.
He extends his hand and says “Shake!” The pony promptly performs the trick.
The man produces another dollar.
“Play dead!” The pony collapses to the ground, then gets up after a little while.
“How about a tougher one?” the man says and puts another dollar in the jar.
“What’s eleven minus five?” The pony stomps with a hoove six times.
“This is incredible” he exclaims.
The guy continues to add dollar after dollar to the jar while the pony performs every trick or task without a fault.
After a while the guy runs out of single dollar bills and turns to the man and says:
“Sir, that is one incredible animal you have there, is there anything it can’t do?”
“He can’t sing” the man replies.
The guy considers this for a bit. “Why can’t he sing” the guy asks.
The man looks him in the eye. “He’s a little horse
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot
A man whose wife was pregnant
A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds,
vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.
He walks up to the man and asks: “What’s with the pony?”
“For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it” the man replies.
“That’s cool” the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.
He extends his hand and says “Shake!” The pony promptly performs the trick.
The man produces another dollar.
“Play dead!” The pony collapses to the ground, then gets up after a little while.
“How about a tougher one?” the man says and puts another dollar in the jar.
“What’s eleven minus five?” The pony stomps with a hoove six times.
“This is incredible” he exclaims.
The guy continues to add dollar after dollar to the jar while the pony performs every trick or task without a fault.
After a while the guy runs out of single dollar bills and turns to the man and says:
“Sir, that is one incredible animal you have there, is there anything it can’t do?”
“He can’t sing” the man replies.
The guy considers this for a bit. “Why can’t he sing” the guy asks.
The man looks him in the eye. “He’s a little horse
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot
A man whose wife was pregnant
30.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
A man joins a soccer team
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
A man joins a soccer team
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