1.
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher.
She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
“Davy, what noise does a cow make?”
“It goes moo.”
“Alice, what noise does a cat make?”
“It goes meow.”
“Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?”
“It goes baaa.”
“Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?”
“Errr.., it goes.. click!”
The boss joined a group of his workers
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher.
She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
“Davy, what noise does a cow make?”
“It goes moo.”
“Alice, what noise does a cat make?”
“It goes meow.”
“Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?”
“It goes baaa.”
“Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?”
“Errr.., it goes.. click!”
The boss joined a group of his workers
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor
2.
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
“I’ve never been better!” he boasted.
“I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”
The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.
And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied “No.”
The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man.
“Someone else must have shot that bear.”
“That’s kind of what I’m getting at…” replied the doctor.
A kid comes home from school
A guy walks into a post office
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
“I’ve never been better!” he boasted.
“I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”
The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.
And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied “No.”
The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man.
“Someone else must have shot that bear.”
“That’s kind of what I’m getting at…” replied the doctor.
A kid comes home from school
A guy walks into a post office
3.
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man,
tossed his trousers to his new bride and said:
“Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers,” she said.
“That’s right,” said the husband,
“and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the one who wears the trousers in this relationship.”
With that she flipped him her knickers and said:
“Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said.
“I can’t get into your knickers!”
She replied:
“That’s right… and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
Two women were playing golf
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man,
tossed his trousers to his new bride and said:
“Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers,” she said.
“That’s right,” said the husband,
“and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the one who wears the trousers in this relationship.”
With that she flipped him her knickers and said:
“Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said.
“I can’t get into your knickers!”
She replied:
“That’s right… and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
Two women were playing golf
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines
4.
After a thorough physical examination:
Doctor: “We can’t find anything physically wrong with you that would turn your weapon orange.
I’ll be honest, I’ve never seen anything like this, perhaps it’s a psychological issue.
Have you been under a lot of stress lately, maybe at your job?”
Man: “Well I did just get laid off.”
Doctor: “Well there you go, maybe that’s it.”
Man: “No, that can’t be it because I got a new job soon after. It’s great, I have way better hours and I’m making more money than I ever have.”
Doctor: “Oh, well what about at home?”
Man: “I did go through a divorce recently.”
Doctor: “Hmmm… that could be it then.”
Man: “That can’t be it either because I just started dating someone who is gorgeous and way better to me than my ex ever was.”
Doctor: “Well I don’t know what to say, what do you do for hobbies?”
Man: “Oh, I mostly sit around watching porn and eating Cheetos.”
Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane
A Man wishes every night
After a thorough physical examination:
Doctor: “We can’t find anything physically wrong with you that would turn your weapon orange.
I’ll be honest, I’ve never seen anything like this, perhaps it’s a psychological issue.
Have you been under a lot of stress lately, maybe at your job?”
Man: “Well I did just get laid off.”
Doctor: “Well there you go, maybe that’s it.”
Man: “No, that can’t be it because I got a new job soon after. It’s great, I have way better hours and I’m making more money than I ever have.”
Doctor: “Oh, well what about at home?”
Man: “I did go through a divorce recently.”
Doctor: “Hmmm… that could be it then.”
Man: “That can’t be it either because I just started dating someone who is gorgeous and way better to me than my ex ever was.”
Doctor: “Well I don’t know what to say, what do you do for hobbies?”
Man: “Oh, I mostly sit around watching porn and eating Cheetos.”
Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane
A Man wishes every night
5.
A husband and wife got into a spat.
So the wife called up her mom and said,
“He argued with me again, I am coming to live with you.”
Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you”.
A rich tycoon and his wife are having dinner
A man scolded his son for being so unruly
A husband and wife got into a spat.
So the wife called up her mom and said,
“He argued with me again, I am coming to live with you.”
Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you”.
A rich tycoon and his wife are having dinner
A man scolded his son for being so unruly
6.
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
“Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”
The employee leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
“Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”
The employee leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns
7.
A group of racist Americans imprison a Mexican and plan to take him out
The Mexican insists he became an American citizen.
The Americans promise to let him go if he can prove it by answering their questions.
One of the Americans threatened, “There’s nothin’ I hate more than hearing someone speakin’ anything other than
the American language.
If I catch you speaking just a lick of Spanish on our precious American soil
we’ll immediately deport you with or without a proper quiz.
Do you think I’m bluffing?!”
The Mexican answered “No.”
The Mexican was immediately deported.
Good Old Days
Woman v/s Umbrella Thief
A group of racist Americans imprison a Mexican and plan to take him out
The Mexican insists he became an American citizen.
The Americans promise to let him go if he can prove it by answering their questions.
One of the Americans threatened, “There’s nothin’ I hate more than hearing someone speakin’ anything other than
the American language.
If I catch you speaking just a lick of Spanish on our precious American soil
we’ll immediately deport you with or without a proper quiz.
Do you think I’m bluffing?!”
The Mexican answered “No.”
The Mexican was immediately deported.
Good Old Days
Woman v/s Umbrella Thief
8.
A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charity.
The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet.
They go to his door and he answers, “What do you want?”
One of the ladies replies, “Hello Mr Smith. We know you are very wealthy and we know you also never give to charity. Wouldn’t you enjoy giving back to an organization that helps dogs much like your own?”
The lawyer looks her dead in the eye and replies, “Do you also know that both of my parents are suffering life-threatening illnesses and have medical bills several times their own income?”
The lady, taken back, replies, “Well no I thought.”
He interrupts her, “Did you also know my sister’s husband left her and their two kids without a penny?”
Still stuttering she replies, “Um… Oh my….”
“And my brother lost his legs in the war,” The lawyer continues.
At this point the people from the shelter are dumbstruck and aren’t saying a word.
Then he finishes, “If they don’t get a cent, do you expect to?”
A magical genie lamp
A older gentleman was on operating table
A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charity.
The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet.
They go to his door and he answers, “What do you want?”
One of the ladies replies, “Hello Mr Smith. We know you are very wealthy and we know you also never give to charity. Wouldn’t you enjoy giving back to an organization that helps dogs much like your own?”
The lawyer looks her dead in the eye and replies, “Do you also know that both of my parents are suffering life-threatening illnesses and have medical bills several times their own income?”
The lady, taken back, replies, “Well no I thought.”
He interrupts her, “Did you also know my sister’s husband left her and their two kids without a penny?”
Still stuttering she replies, “Um… Oh my….”
“And my brother lost his legs in the war,” The lawyer continues.
At this point the people from the shelter are dumbstruck and aren’t saying a word.
Then he finishes, “If they don’t get a cent, do you expect to?”
A magical genie lamp
A older gentleman was on operating table
9.
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the protection aisle.
The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of protection.
The father replies, ”Well, you see that 3-pack? That’s for when you’re in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.”
The son then asks his father, ”What’s the 6-pack for?”
The father replies, ”Well, that’s for when you’re in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.”
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ”Well, that’s for when you’re married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.”
A young couple were on their honeymoon
She was in bed with her boyfriend
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the protection aisle.
The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of protection.
The father replies, ”Well, you see that 3-pack? That’s for when you’re in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.”
The son then asks his father, ”What’s the 6-pack for?”
The father replies, ”Well, that’s for when you’re in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.”
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ”Well, that’s for when you’re married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.”
A young couple were on their honeymoon
She was in bed with her boyfriend
10.
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
“I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”
“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.
“Do you have the container it comes in?”
“Yes!” said the blonde, “I will go get it.
“She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”
A blonde walks into an appliance store
Three female fugitives escaping from jail
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
“I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”
“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.
“Do you have the container it comes in?”
“Yes!” said the blonde, “I will go get it.
“She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”
A blonde walks into an appliance store
Three female fugitives escaping from jail
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11.
An elderly man went to a doctor with multiple complaints.
“I see spots before my eyes,” he said.
“It’s due to old age,” said the doctor.
“No food agrees with me,” said the man.
“That too is due to old age,” said the doctor.
“The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.”
“My back is giving me trouble,” persisted the man.
“Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.”
“Old age,” said the doctor.
This was too much for the man.
“Why do you go on saying ‘old age, old age’,” he screamed.
“If you cannot cure me, say so. I’ll go elsewhere.”
“See how easily you lost your temper,” said the doctor.
“That is another characteristic of old age.”
At last, the old man slaps him, and the doctor asks,
“Why did you slap me?”
Old man said “This is also due to old age, you see”
A man was leaving a convenience store
A Amish boy and his father were in a mall
An elderly man went to a doctor with multiple complaints.
“I see spots before my eyes,” he said.
“It’s due to old age,” said the doctor.
“No food agrees with me,” said the man.
“That too is due to old age,” said the doctor.
“The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.”
“My back is giving me trouble,” persisted the man.
“Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.”
“Old age,” said the doctor.
This was too much for the man.
“Why do you go on saying ‘old age, old age’,” he screamed.
“If you cannot cure me, say so. I’ll go elsewhere.”
“See how easily you lost your temper,” said the doctor.
“That is another characteristic of old age.”
At last, the old man slaps him, and the doctor asks,
“Why did you slap me?”
Old man said “This is also due to old age, you see”
A man was leaving a convenience store
A Amish boy and his father were in a mall
12.
An old man was a witness in a burglary case.
The defense lawyer asked Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”
“Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”
The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”
“Yes, says Sam. “I saw him do it.”
Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?”
Sam says, “I can see the moon. How far is that?”
A horrible sunburn all over his body
There are three girls at a bar
An old man was a witness in a burglary case.
The defense lawyer asked Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”
“Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”
The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”
“Yes, says Sam. “I saw him do it.”
Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?”
Sam says, “I can see the moon. How far is that?”
A horrible sunburn all over his body
There are three girls at a bar
13.
An elderly lady went to the doctor and asked for his help in reviving her husband’s passion.
“Why don’t you give him tablet?” the doctor asked.
“Oh, no,” the woman replied.
“He doesn’t even take aspirin for a headache!”
“That’s not a problem,” the doctor told her.
“Just crush up the pill and slip it into his coffee. He’ll never even know.”
Several days later, the old woman returned to the doctor, and he asked her if his suggestions worked.
“Oh, Doctor!” she exclaimed. “It was horrible! I did just as you said and as soon as he finished his coffee, he jumped up from the table, ripped off my clothes and took me right there on the table, we made love for a whole hour!!”
“And that was horrible?” the doctor asked, puzzled.
“Oh, the love making was wonderful!” the old woman exclaimed…
“But I can never show my face in that coffee shop again!”
A priest walked into a barber shop
A guy went to a psychiatrist
An elderly lady went to the doctor and asked for his help in reviving her husband’s passion.
“Why don’t you give him tablet?” the doctor asked.
“Oh, no,” the woman replied.
“He doesn’t even take aspirin for a headache!”
“That’s not a problem,” the doctor told her.
“Just crush up the pill and slip it into his coffee. He’ll never even know.”
Several days later, the old woman returned to the doctor, and he asked her if his suggestions worked.
“Oh, Doctor!” she exclaimed. “It was horrible! I did just as you said and as soon as he finished his coffee, he jumped up from the table, ripped off my clothes and took me right there on the table, we made love for a whole hour!!”
“And that was horrible?” the doctor asked, puzzled.
“Oh, the love making was wonderful!” the old woman exclaimed…
“But I can never show my face in that coffee shop again!”
A priest walked into a barber shop
A guy went to a psychiatrist
14.
An old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
He then unwrapped the burger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.
You could tell they were thinking: “That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table.
He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said they were just fine they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time, the old woman said: “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked: “What is it you are waiting for?”
She answered: “The teeth.”
The old Josh was sat in his garden
A woman goes to a psychiatrist
An old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
He then unwrapped the burger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.
You could tell they were thinking: “That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table.
He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said they were just fine they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time, the old woman said: “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked: “What is it you are waiting for?”
She answered: “The teeth.”
The old Josh was sat in his garden
A woman goes to a psychiatrist
15.
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses.
Three guys are on a plane
One day there was this little girl watching TV
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses.
Three guys are on a plane
One day there was this little girl watching TV
16.
Two men at a bus stop started a conversation.
One of them keeps complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man says, “You think you have family problems?”
Listen to my situation..
A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.
Later, my dad married my stepdaughter.
That made my stepdaughter my step-mom and my dad became my stepson-in-law. Also, my wife became mom-in-law to her dad-in-law.
Then my wife’s daughter, my stepmom, had a son.
This boy was my half-brother ’cause he was my dad’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter, which made him my wife’s grandson.
That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.
Now, the half-sister of my son, my stepmom, is also the grandmom.
My dad is the bro-in-law of my child, who is the stepbrother of my dad’s wife!
A old man was sitting at the river
Two men are having slow round of golf
Two men at a bus stop started a conversation.
One of them keeps complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man says, “You think you have family problems?”
Listen to my situation..
A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.
Later, my dad married my stepdaughter.
That made my stepdaughter my step-mom and my dad became my stepson-in-law. Also, my wife became mom-in-law to her dad-in-law.
Then my wife’s daughter, my stepmom, had a son.
This boy was my half-brother ’cause he was my dad’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter, which made him my wife’s grandson.
That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.
Now, the half-sister of my son, my stepmom, is also the grandmom.
My dad is the bro-in-law of my child, who is the stepbrother of my dad’s wife!
A old man was sitting at the river
Two men are having slow round of golf
17.
A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago.
He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
His co-worker said he should reconsider Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc.
Then he said: “Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working.”
The first asked “What did you do there?”
To which the other replied, “I was tail-gunner on a bread truck.”
Little Willie came home in a sad
Susan spoke to the insurance agent
A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago.
He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
His co-worker said he should reconsider Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc.
Then he said: “Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working.”
The first asked “What did you do there?”
To which the other replied, “I was tail-gunner on a bread truck.”
Little Willie came home in a sad
Susan spoke to the insurance agent
18.
After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”
The husband replies, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
His wife says, “I thought you said you’ve never been married before?”
The husband says, “I haven’t.”
A man and his wife are dining at a table
A woman decides to prove her intelligence
After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”
The husband replies, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
His wife says, “I thought you said you’ve never been married before?”
The husband says, “I haven’t.”
A man and his wife are dining at a table
A woman decides to prove her intelligence
19.
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.
A man goes into a bar and seats himself
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.
A man goes into a bar and seats himself
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship
20.
The hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail.
Jim’s wife was in labor and Jim was a nervous wreck.
After what seemed like a week, to both Jim and the hospital staff, a nurse came out with the happy news, “it’s a girl”, she cried.
“Thank God, a girl”, said Jim, “at least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!”
Harry was sick and tired
Sally walked in to the Dentist office
The hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail.
Jim’s wife was in labor and Jim was a nervous wreck.
After what seemed like a week, to both Jim and the hospital staff, a nurse came out with the happy news, “it’s a girl”, she cried.
“Thank God, a girl”, said Jim, “at least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!”
Harry was sick and tired
Sally walked in to the Dentist office
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21.
WIFE: Darling why are you home this early wearing such a Long face?
HUSBAND: Had a terrible day, I lost all my colleagues today at work.
WIFE: Blood of Jesus! What happened?
HUSBAND: There was a Fire out break down the tunnel and everybody died!
WIFE: What a pity! Darling, I thank God for keeping You Alive. How did you make it out my dear?
HUSBAND: Darling, it was God’s Work. My stomach was upsetting me so, I took a break to ease myself in the toilet.
WIFE: Darling, thank God you are alive. What would have happened to us??!! I feel so much pity for their families, how are they going to survive now?
HUSBAND: My dear it’s a pity, but the UNITED NATIONS has decided to give the families of the deceased $10 million each.
WIFE: What?!! Ten million what? tea!! Honey, you didn’t do well oo, why are you always absent when God wants to bless us?
A lady went to a doctor
The wife served breakfast to the Husband
WIFE: Darling why are you home this early wearing such a Long face?
HUSBAND: Had a terrible day, I lost all my colleagues today at work.
WIFE: Blood of Jesus! What happened?
HUSBAND: There was a Fire out break down the tunnel and everybody died!
WIFE: What a pity! Darling, I thank God for keeping You Alive. How did you make it out my dear?
HUSBAND: Darling, it was God’s Work. My stomach was upsetting me so, I took a break to ease myself in the toilet.
WIFE: Darling, thank God you are alive. What would have happened to us??!! I feel so much pity for their families, how are they going to survive now?
HUSBAND: My dear it’s a pity, but the UNITED NATIONS has decided to give the families of the deceased $10 million each.
WIFE: What?!! Ten million what? tea!! Honey, you didn’t do well oo, why are you always absent when God wants to bless us?
A lady went to a doctor
The wife served breakfast to the Husband
22.
Only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man, “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners, straight from California.”
“Go away!” said the old lady, “I haven’t got any money to spend on things like that!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty!”
He said at least wait until you’ve seen my demonstration.
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder, cross my heart.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Wait here while I go get a spoon.
I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
A police officer stopped a motorist
Atheist Is Attacked By A Bear
Only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man, “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners, straight from California.”
“Go away!” said the old lady, “I haven’t got any money to spend on things like that!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty!”
He said at least wait until you’ve seen my demonstration.
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder, cross my heart.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Wait here while I go get a spoon.
I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
A police officer stopped a motorist
Atheist Is Attacked By A Bear
23.
Four nuns are in line to go into heaven.
God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned.
She says, “Well, I’ve seen a manhood.”
So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter.
He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, “I’ve held a manhood,”
so he puts holy water on her hands and lets her enter.
Then the fourth nun skips the third nun in line and God asks why she did that.
The 4th nun replies, “Well, I need to gargle it before she sits in it.”
Three men are traveling on a ship
Jesus & Moses and an old man go golfing
Four nuns are in line to go into heaven.
God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned.
She says, “Well, I’ve seen a manhood.”
So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter.
He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, “I’ve held a manhood,”
so he puts holy water on her hands and lets her enter.
Then the fourth nun skips the third nun in line and God asks why she did that.
The 4th nun replies, “Well, I need to gargle it before she sits in it.”
Three men are traveling on a ship
Jesus & Moses and an old man go golfing
24.
A polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn’t very good.
They got along very well.
One day he rushes into a lawyer’s office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions:
Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”
Man: “Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.”
Lawyer: “No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
Man: “It made of concrete.”
Lawyer: “I don’t think you understand. Do either of you have real grudge?”
Man: “No, we have carport, and not need one.”
Lawyer: “I mean what are you relations like?”
Man: “All my relations still in Poland.”
Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
Man: “We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.”
Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?”
Man: “No, I always up before her.”
Lawyer: “Why do you want this divorce?”
Man: “She going to kill me.”
Lawyer: “What makes you think that?”
Man: “I got proof.”
Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”
Man: “She going to poison me.”
Man: “She buy a bottle at a drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.”
Man: “I can read English pretty good, and its say right there: Regular polish remover”
A man is playing with a stray dog
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single
A polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn’t very good.
They got along very well.
One day he rushes into a lawyer’s office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions:
Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”
Man: “Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.”
Lawyer: “No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
Man: “It made of concrete.”
Lawyer: “I don’t think you understand. Do either of you have real grudge?”
Man: “No, we have carport, and not need one.”
Lawyer: “I mean what are you relations like?”
Man: “All my relations still in Poland.”
Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
Man: “We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.”
Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?”
Man: “No, I always up before her.”
Lawyer: “Why do you want this divorce?”
Man: “She going to kill me.”
Lawyer: “What makes you think that?”
Man: “I got proof.”
Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”
Man: “She going to poison me.”
Man: “She buy a bottle at a drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.”
Man: “I can read English pretty good, and its say right there: Regular polish remover”
A man is playing with a stray dog
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single
25.
A businessman is driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs.
The farmer is taking one pig at a time, holding it up, letting it eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting it down before picking up another pig and letting it eat an apple.
The businessman pulls over, walks up to the farmer and he says,
“Wouldn’t it save time to just knock all the apples on the ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?”
And the farmer, confused, looks at him and says,
“What’s time to a pig?”
Two hunters are in the woods
Two men are sitting at a bar
A businessman is driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs.
The farmer is taking one pig at a time, holding it up, letting it eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting it down before picking up another pig and letting it eat an apple.
The businessman pulls over, walks up to the farmer and he says,
“Wouldn’t it save time to just knock all the apples on the ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?”
And the farmer, confused, looks at him and says,
“What’s time to a pig?”
Two hunters are in the woods
Two men are sitting at a bar
26.
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.
He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets.
Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters ?”
Santa was traveling in a train
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.
He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets.
Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters ?”
Santa was traveling in a train
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation
27.
A student at college had failed his final law papers and was obviously not happy, he questioned the professor & decided to make a deal with him ‘professor, do u consider yourself to know everything about the law?
He asked. ‘Absolutely, otherwise i would not be capable of standing in front of u & lecturing u on the subject’ he replied.
The student continued; if u can answer this question, I will agree with u & accept my final marks, if u cannot, u have to give me an ‘A” the professor laughed but agreed.
The boy continued, ‘what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
The professor thought about it for hours and pondered no answer.
He had to finally give up as he really did not know.
He gave the boy his ‘A’ the following day at lecture, the professor was still struggling with dis unknown mystery & decided to pose the question to his students: class, what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
He paused for a second in shock when all students raised their hands with a possible answer.
He pointed out one student and waited: “sir, u’re 65, married to a 28 yr old woman, this is legal but not logical, ur wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal, ur wife’s boyfriend has failed his exam & yet u have given him an ‘A’, That is neither logical nor legal”.
A blonde walked into a department store
Three fathers are talking about their sons
A student at college had failed his final law papers and was obviously not happy, he questioned the professor & decided to make a deal with him ‘professor, do u consider yourself to know everything about the law?
He asked. ‘Absolutely, otherwise i would not be capable of standing in front of u & lecturing u on the subject’ he replied.
The student continued; if u can answer this question, I will agree with u & accept my final marks, if u cannot, u have to give me an ‘A” the professor laughed but agreed.
The boy continued, ‘what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
The professor thought about it for hours and pondered no answer.
He had to finally give up as he really did not know.
He gave the boy his ‘A’ the following day at lecture, the professor was still struggling with dis unknown mystery & decided to pose the question to his students: class, what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
He paused for a second in shock when all students raised their hands with a possible answer.
He pointed out one student and waited: “sir, u’re 65, married to a 28 yr old woman, this is legal but not logical, ur wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal, ur wife’s boyfriend has failed his exam & yet u have given him an ‘A’, That is neither logical nor legal”.
A blonde walked into a department store
Three fathers are talking about their sons
28.
A man hires a blonde to paint stripes down a road, but she has to keep the contract and do at least four miles each day.
The first day, the blonde does 8 miles.
The boss is extremely impressed.
The second day the blonde does 4 miles.
The boss is somewhat impressed, but not as much as before.
The third day, the blonde does two miles.
The boss thinks she is just having a bad day,
so he still lets her keep the job.
The fourth day, the blonde only does 1 mile.
The boss asks, “You were doing so well before.
Why aren’t you doing well now?!”
The blonde replies, “I can’t get far because each day I’m getting further and further away from the bucket.”
He decided to go see the doctor
Sally a blonde was seen going
A man hires a blonde to paint stripes down a road, but she has to keep the contract and do at least four miles each day.
The first day, the blonde does 8 miles.
The boss is extremely impressed.
The second day the blonde does 4 miles.
The boss is somewhat impressed, but not as much as before.
The third day, the blonde does two miles.
The boss thinks she is just having a bad day,
so he still lets her keep the job.
The fourth day, the blonde only does 1 mile.
The boss asks, “You were doing so well before.
Why aren’t you doing well now?!”
The blonde replies, “I can’t get far because each day I’m getting further and further away from the bucket.”
He decided to go see the doctor
Sally a blonde was seen going
29.
A young pot head starts to smoke.
His neighbors, an older christian couple, get sick of the smell seeping through the walls and call the cops.
After a few minutes, the young man hears a knock on his door and hears “sir, open up, it’s the police.”
The young man stuffs his bag of weed into his back pocket and answers the door.
The police officer smells the weed and pushes his way into the apartment.
After a few moments of searching and talking, the officer notices the bag sticking out from the young man’s pocket and exclaims “a-ha! Care to explain this, young man?”
The young man quickly responds, “you see, officer, that’s a magic bag of weed. It appeared one day and whenever I try to throw it out or flush it down the toilet, it just hops back into my pocket.”
The officer is sceptical, but the young man pushes the magic bag.
At this point, the neighbors wandered from their apartment to the young man’s door to watch the action.
“Fine!” the officer finally agree.
“If you can prove to me that your bag of weed is magic, then I’ll let you go.”
The young man agree and shows the officer to the bathroom.
The officer drops the bag of weed into the toilet and flushes it.
The neighbors’ mouths drop and, after several seconds, the officer looks to the young man and asks, “Well…?”
The young man looks confused and asks, “well, what?”
The cop, getting angry shouts at the young man, “Where are the damn drugs?”
The young man looks even more confused and replies, “What drugs?”
A young man came to an old man
Frank came into work late
A young pot head starts to smoke.
His neighbors, an older christian couple, get sick of the smell seeping through the walls and call the cops.
After a few minutes, the young man hears a knock on his door and hears “sir, open up, it’s the police.”
The young man stuffs his bag of weed into his back pocket and answers the door.
The police officer smells the weed and pushes his way into the apartment.
After a few moments of searching and talking, the officer notices the bag sticking out from the young man’s pocket and exclaims “a-ha! Care to explain this, young man?”
The young man quickly responds, “you see, officer, that’s a magic bag of weed. It appeared one day and whenever I try to throw it out or flush it down the toilet, it just hops back into my pocket.”
The officer is sceptical, but the young man pushes the magic bag.
At this point, the neighbors wandered from their apartment to the young man’s door to watch the action.
“Fine!” the officer finally agree.
“If you can prove to me that your bag of weed is magic, then I’ll let you go.”
The young man agree and shows the officer to the bathroom.
The officer drops the bag of weed into the toilet and flushes it.
The neighbors’ mouths drop and, after several seconds, the officer looks to the young man and asks, “Well…?”
The young man looks confused and asks, “well, what?”
The cop, getting angry shouts at the young man, “Where are the damn drugs?”
The young man looks even more confused and replies, “What drugs?”
A young man came to an old man
Frank came into work late
30.
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
“Doctor,” the man said,
“I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,” the doctor said.
“Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”
“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted.
“This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”
“Well,” said the doctor,
“let me ask you this. How often do you have s*x?”
The man seemed a bit ashamed.
“I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.”
“Well, there you have it!”
The doctor said confidently. “It’s rust.”
Predicting the weather
How to catch an elephant
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
“Doctor,” the man said,
“I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,” the doctor said.
“Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”
“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted.
“This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”
“Well,” said the doctor,
“let me ask you this. How often do you have s*x?”
The man seemed a bit ashamed.
“I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.”
“Well, there you have it!”
The doctor said confidently. “It’s rust.”
Predicting the weather
How to catch an elephant
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