1.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich.
“What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
“That will be £6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
“The usual?” asks the waitress
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man
“Same for me,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be £12.62.” Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer
“Excuse me, sir
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress
“Most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right! Whether it’s a litre of milk or Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!”
A school teacher
A man is in a bar
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich.
“What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
“That will be £6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
“The usual?” asks the waitress
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man
“Same for me,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be £12.62.” Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer
“Excuse me, sir
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress
“Most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right! Whether it’s a litre of milk or Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!”
A school teacher
A man is in a bar
2.
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk.
The man turns to the woman and asks her why she’s so down.
“My husband just left me. He said I’m too kinky in bed,” she said.
“What a coincidence! My wife just left me,” said the man, “she told me that I was too kinky for her, too!”
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman’s house to have kinky make love.
When they get to the woman’s house she turns to the man and says, “Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable.”
She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix outfit.
However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.
“What happened?” She said, “I thought you wanted to have kinky lovemaking?”
He looks at her and says, “Well, I just bang your dog and shit in your purse. I’m done.”
A young teen aged girl was a call girl
A young girl went to her family doctor
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk.
The man turns to the woman and asks her why she’s so down.
“My husband just left me. He said I’m too kinky in bed,” she said.
“What a coincidence! My wife just left me,” said the man, “she told me that I was too kinky for her, too!”
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman’s house to have kinky make love.
When they get to the woman’s house she turns to the man and says, “Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable.”
She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix outfit.
However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.
“What happened?” She said, “I thought you wanted to have kinky lovemaking?”
He looks at her and says, “Well, I just bang your dog and shit in your purse. I’m done.”
A young teen aged girl was a call girl
A young girl went to her family doctor
3.
Fred and Mary got married, but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s parent’s home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, “No”.
Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
She replies, “No.”
Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! eat your lunch and go back to school.”
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
His mom says “No.”
He asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His Mom replies, “Ok, do tell me what you think?”
He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”
A couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary
Little Johnny went to his father
Fred and Mary got married, but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s parent’s home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, “No”.
Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
She replies, “No.”
Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! eat your lunch and go back to school.”
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
His mom says “No.”
He asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His Mom replies, “Ok, do tell me what you think?”
He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”
A couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary
Little Johnny went to his father
4.
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying “Disney World Left!”
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said “Oh well!” and started driving back home.
A man walked into the office of an psychiatrist
A famous doctor was being interviewed
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying “Disney World Left!”
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said “Oh well!” and started driving back home.
A man walked into the office of an psychiatrist
A famous doctor was being interviewed
5.
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger.
“How about nuclear power?” “OK,” said Little Johnny.
“That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first.”
“A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass why do you suppose that is?”
“Jeez,” said the stranger.
“I have no idea.”
“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”
The trooper walks up
Basketball injury
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger.
“How about nuclear power?” “OK,” said Little Johnny.
“That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first.”
“A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass why do you suppose that is?”
“Jeez,” said the stranger.
“I have no idea.”
“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”
The trooper walks up
Basketball injury
6.
Two men were talking about a friend.
Who had recently passed away.
“By the time Jack died, he had a transplanted heart, a plastic hip joint, a plastic leg and a plastic arm.”
“Where did they bury him?'”
“They didn’t bury him — he was recycled!”
Johnny Big Head
Dead Donkey
Two men were talking about a friend.
Who had recently passed away.
“By the time Jack died, he had a transplanted heart, a plastic hip joint, a plastic leg and a plastic arm.”
“Where did they bury him?'”
“They didn’t bury him — he was recycled!”
Johnny Big Head
Dead Donkey
7.
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”
The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables
Two lawyers arrive at the pub
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”
The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables
Two lawyers arrive at the pub
8.
An American traveling to Japan for business found himself with two extra days after business concluded earlier than expected.
Being single and away from home for so long, he sought after female company which he found at a geisha house.
After selecting his partner, they proceeded to the room and undressed.
As soon as the love session began, his female partner started softly whispering “Yakamoda”, Yakamoda”.
Not knowing any of the language, he believed this was good and that she was enjoying the session as much as he was.
He proceeded to move faster now and the woman said with a firmer tone “Yakamoda”, “Yakamoda”, “Yakamoda”.
He was beside himself now spurred by the enthusiasm of his female partner and proceeded to imitate a rabbit he had seen on the discovery channel.
She now screamed deep from her lungs “YAKAMODA”, “YAKAMODA”, “YAKAMODA”!
As he finished, he found that she had fainted so he collected his things and left.
The next day he found himself playing golf with one of his Japanese clients.
It was a par 3, approximately 173 yards when his Japanese playing partner struck the ball which took flight, landed on the green and then rolled gently into the hole.
Struck with excitement and at a loss for words, the American stated “Yakamoda” sir.
The Japanese gentleman looked at him strangely and stated “what do you mean wrong hole?”
A little girl who really loved dolls
A bear walks into a bar
An American traveling to Japan for business found himself with two extra days after business concluded earlier than expected.
Being single and away from home for so long, he sought after female company which he found at a geisha house.
After selecting his partner, they proceeded to the room and undressed.
As soon as the love session began, his female partner started softly whispering “Yakamoda”, Yakamoda”.
Not knowing any of the language, he believed this was good and that she was enjoying the session as much as he was.
He proceeded to move faster now and the woman said with a firmer tone “Yakamoda”, “Yakamoda”, “Yakamoda”.
He was beside himself now spurred by the enthusiasm of his female partner and proceeded to imitate a rabbit he had seen on the discovery channel.
She now screamed deep from her lungs “YAKAMODA”, “YAKAMODA”, “YAKAMODA”!
As he finished, he found that she had fainted so he collected his things and left.
The next day he found himself playing golf with one of his Japanese clients.
It was a par 3, approximately 173 yards when his Japanese playing partner struck the ball which took flight, landed on the green and then rolled gently into the hole.
Struck with excitement and at a loss for words, the American stated “Yakamoda” sir.
The Japanese gentleman looked at him strangely and stated “what do you mean wrong hole?”
A little girl who really loved dolls
A bear walks into a bar
9.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER use big people words!”
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN use big people words.”
She then asked Bobby what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said.
“What book did you read?”
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said,
“Winnie the Shit.”
The devil pulls up
She was a friendly-looking young woman
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER use big people words!”
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN use big people words.”
She then asked Bobby what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said.
“What book did you read?”
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said,
“Winnie the Shit.”
The devil pulls up
She was a friendly-looking young woman
10.
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says:
“You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands:
“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”
The guy replies: “I did today I’m taking them to the beach!”
A rabbit and a bear were walking in the forest
A man walks into a bar and leans over
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says:
“You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands:
“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”
The guy replies: “I did today I’m taking them to the beach!”
A rabbit and a bear were walking in the forest
A man walks into a bar and leans over
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11.
A woman walks into the City Center link office, trailed by 15 kids.
“WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up, I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“’This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one, he is Terry, also.” The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
“All right,” says the caseworker.
“I’m seeing a pattern here are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes – it makes it easier.”
When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Terry!’ An” when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Terry!’ an’ they all come running.’
An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Terry and all of them stop It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming’ them all Terry.’
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch, I call them by their surnames!”
Whispering firmly to the dying man
A man was crossing a road
A woman walks into the City Center link office, trailed by 15 kids.
“WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up, I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“’This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one, he is Terry, also.” The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
“All right,” says the caseworker.
“I’m seeing a pattern here are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes – it makes it easier.”
When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Terry!’ An” when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Terry!’ an’ they all come running.’
An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Terry and all of them stop It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming’ them all Terry.’
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch, I call them by their surnames!”
Whispering firmly to the dying man
A man was crossing a road
12.
An ugly old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.”
Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.”
Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince
In a small town in the old country
An ugly old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.”
Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.”
Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince
In a small town in the old country
13.
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate.
His orders were clear no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.
A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”
The general said, “Drive on!”
The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.”
The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!”
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”
A husband and wife went to marriage Councillor
A woman announces to her friend
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate.
His orders were clear no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.
A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”
The general said, “Drive on!”
The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.”
The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!”
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”
A husband and wife went to marriage Councillor
A woman announces to her friend
14.
Josey wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school.
She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.
“Who is the creator of the universe?”
Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up.
Josey jumped and yelled, “God almighty!”
The teacher congratulated her.
A little later the teacher asked her another question, “Tell me who is our lord and savior?”
Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, “Jesus Christ!”
The teacher congratulated her again.
Later on the teacher asked, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?”
Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, “If you stick that thing in me again, I’ll snap it in half and stick it up your bum!”
A very attractive nun
The employer asked the candidate
Josey wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school.
She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.
“Who is the creator of the universe?”
Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up.
Josey jumped and yelled, “God almighty!”
The teacher congratulated her.
A little later the teacher asked her another question, “Tell me who is our lord and savior?”
Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, “Jesus Christ!”
The teacher congratulated her again.
Later on the teacher asked, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?”
Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, “If you stick that thing in me again, I’ll snap it in half and stick it up your bum!”
A very attractive nun
The employer asked the candidate
15.
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed.
Suddenly, at 4 o’clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man:
“Oh No! That must be my husband!
The man quickly got out of bed, panicked and undressed.
He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed on the ground, picked himself up and went straight through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run as fast as he could to his car…
A few minutes later the door opened and the man was standing at it, panting hard, with dirt and scratches all over him.
He yelled: “I’m your husband, you mad cow!”
And the woman answered:
“Oh, yeah? And why were you running, you bastard?!?”
A couple were having problems remembering things
A Indian boy goes to his mother
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed.
Suddenly, at 4 o’clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man:
“Oh No! That must be my husband!
The man quickly got out of bed, panicked and undressed.
He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed on the ground, picked himself up and went straight through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run as fast as he could to his car…
A few minutes later the door opened and the man was standing at it, panting hard, with dirt and scratches all over him.
He yelled: “I’m your husband, you mad cow!”
And the woman answered:
“Oh, yeah? And why were you running, you bastard?!?”
A couple were having problems remembering things
A Indian boy goes to his mother
16.
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my undressed body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to bang your brains out, and taste it your melons dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”
He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”
The nervous young bride became irritated
Johnny and his father were walking
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my undressed body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to bang your brains out, and taste it your melons dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”
He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”
The nervous young bride became irritated
Johnny and his father were walking
17.
Two men were hunting in the woods when, all of a sudden, one man had a heart attack.
The other called 911.
Someone answered, and he said, “You’ve gotta come help me.
The guy I was hunting with had a heart attack.”
The person said, “Well, you’ve gotta make sure that he is dead.”
So the hunter said, “Okay.” Then he left the phone, there was a long pause, then a gun shot.
The hunter got back on the phone and said “Okay, now what?”
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop
A man lives in a high rise
Two men were hunting in the woods when, all of a sudden, one man had a heart attack.
The other called 911.
Someone answered, and he said, “You’ve gotta come help me.
The guy I was hunting with had a heart attack.”
The person said, “Well, you’ve gotta make sure that he is dead.”
So the hunter said, “Okay.” Then he left the phone, there was a long pause, then a gun shot.
The hunter got back on the phone and said “Okay, now what?”
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop
A man lives in a high rise
18.
Jim and Edna are both mental patients.
One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn’t come up for air.
Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.
Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and says “Edna, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane ‘saving another’s life’.
But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom …”
“Oh no’ Edna replies, that’s where I put him to dry !”
Fred was very old
Tom was in his early
Jim and Edna are both mental patients.
One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn’t come up for air.
Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.
Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and says “Edna, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane ‘saving another’s life’.
But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom …”
“Oh no’ Edna replies, that’s where I put him to dry !”
Fred was very old
Tom was in his early
19.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful you guessed it blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls”.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked.
“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
A older man was driving down
A police officer in a small town stopped
A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful you guessed it blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls”.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked.
“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
A older man was driving down
A police officer in a small town stopped
20.
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars.
Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.
The cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.
Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the rabbi what was happening;
“Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.”
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked,
“Did you buy this cow from Alberta?”
The people were dumbfounded.
They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.
“You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?”
The rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Alberta.”
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died
A guy had a dog that kept getting into the neighbors
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars.
Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.
The cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.
Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the rabbi what was happening;
“Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.”
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked,
“Did you buy this cow from Alberta?”
The people were dumbfounded.
They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.
“You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?”
The rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Alberta.”
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died
A guy had a dog that kept getting into the neighbors
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21.
One day, a man was dragged to the cinema by his wife who wanted to watch a romantic comedy.
Half an hour into the film, the man felt a nudge in his elbow.
“What an outrage,” his wife murmured to him.
“The person sitting in front of us is sleeping!” the woman said, clearly offended.
Her husband was fairly annoyed.
He replied: “You woke me up to tell me that?”
A Amish boy and his father were in a mall
A man dive in a nearby lake
One day, a man was dragged to the cinema by his wife who wanted to watch a romantic comedy.
Half an hour into the film, the man felt a nudge in his elbow.
“What an outrage,” his wife murmured to him.
“The person sitting in front of us is sleeping!” the woman said, clearly offended.
Her husband was fairly annoyed.
He replied: “You woke me up to tell me that?”
A Amish boy and his father were in a mall
A man dive in a nearby lake
22.
Only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man, “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners, straight from California.”
“Go away!” said the old lady, “I haven’t got any money to spend on things like that!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty!”
He said at least wait until you’ve seen my demonstration.
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder, cross my heart.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Wait here while I go get a spoon.
I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
A police officer stopped a motorist
Atheist Is Attacked By A Bear
Only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man, “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners, straight from California.”
“Go away!” said the old lady, “I haven’t got any money to spend on things like that!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty!”
He said at least wait until you’ve seen my demonstration.
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder, cross my heart.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Wait here while I go get a spoon.
I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
A police officer stopped a motorist
Atheist Is Attacked By A Bear
23.
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don’t know, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven.
If not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”
The philosopher stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings,” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell.
The mathematician then asked, “Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!”
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared.
The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct.
The mathematician also went to hell.
The idiot stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!”
The Devil brought forward a chair.
“Drill 7 holes on the seat.”
The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from ?”
The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.”
“Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my bastard.”
The idiot went to Heaven.
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don’t know, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven.
If not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”
The philosopher stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings,” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell.
The mathematician then asked, “Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!”
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared.
The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct.
The mathematician also went to hell.
The idiot stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!”
The Devil brought forward a chair.
“Drill 7 holes on the seat.”
The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from ?”
The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.”
“Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my bastard.”
The idiot went to Heaven.
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
24.
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
‘What was that for?’ he asked.
‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.
‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.
‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said.
‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, ‘What the hell was that for?’
‘Your horse called!’
A guy gets home late one night
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
‘What was that for?’ he asked.
‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.
‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.
‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said.
‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, ‘What the hell was that for?’
‘Your horse called!’
A guy gets home late one night
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
25.
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery,
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes Dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”
A very wealthy lawyer
A man went to his lawyer
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery,
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes Dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”
A very wealthy lawyer
A man went to his lawyer
26.
A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day.
She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years.
His favorite: a sandwich on Italian bread, made with turkey, American cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo.
The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite.
His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “How’s the sandwich dear?”
Every time he would give the same response, “It tastes fine”.
He would continue eating with a disappointed look on his face.
His wife thinks maybe its time to switch things up a bit.
So the next day, she makes him his normal lunch, only this time, she makes it with ham and cheese, and on wheat bread.
She thought surely he will enjoy this!
The husband enters the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife then asks “How’s the sandwich dear?”
As always, he replies “It tastes fine”.
He would continue eating with a disappointed look on his face.
His wife then thinks maybe she needs to offer him more variety.
So the next day, she makes him a sandwich, only this time it’s made with salami, pepperoni, and extra veggies and vinaigrette dressing.
He walks in the kitchen, takes a bite, and the wife asks, “How’s the sandwich dear?”
As always, he replies “It tastes fine” and continued eating with a disappointed look on his face.
The next day, as lunchtime is getting ready to roll around, his wife was making him lunch.
She was furious at the lack of excitement and enjoyment coming from her husband, so she decides she’s going to make him the most unique sandwich he’s ever had.
She prepares her Italian bread, only this time she toasts it, and almost burns it.
She adds random ingredients like peanut butter, peppers and onions, strawberry jam, turkey, ham, corned beef, some olives and some various seasonings.
She thought “If this doesn’t get a new reaction out of him, nothing will!”
The husband walks into the kitchen, takes a seat, and takes a bite of his sandwich.
All of a sudden, his eyes widen, and he takes two more bites.
Suddenly, he looks up at his wife with the biggest grin he’s ever had.
He chuckled a bit and says “Finally! Something original in this sub!”
A husband and wife get up on Sunday
A wife was in bed with her lover
A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day.
She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years.
His favorite: a sandwich on Italian bread, made with turkey, American cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo.
The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite.
His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “How’s the sandwich dear?”
Every time he would give the same response, “It tastes fine”.
He would continue eating with a disappointed look on his face.
His wife thinks maybe its time to switch things up a bit.
So the next day, she makes him his normal lunch, only this time, she makes it with ham and cheese, and on wheat bread.
She thought surely he will enjoy this!
The husband enters the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife then asks “How’s the sandwich dear?”
As always, he replies “It tastes fine”.
He would continue eating with a disappointed look on his face.
His wife then thinks maybe she needs to offer him more variety.
So the next day, she makes him a sandwich, only this time it’s made with salami, pepperoni, and extra veggies and vinaigrette dressing.
He walks in the kitchen, takes a bite, and the wife asks, “How’s the sandwich dear?”
As always, he replies “It tastes fine” and continued eating with a disappointed look on his face.
The next day, as lunchtime is getting ready to roll around, his wife was making him lunch.
She was furious at the lack of excitement and enjoyment coming from her husband, so she decides she’s going to make him the most unique sandwich he’s ever had.
She prepares her Italian bread, only this time she toasts it, and almost burns it.
She adds random ingredients like peanut butter, peppers and onions, strawberry jam, turkey, ham, corned beef, some olives and some various seasonings.
She thought “If this doesn’t get a new reaction out of him, nothing will!”
The husband walks into the kitchen, takes a seat, and takes a bite of his sandwich.
All of a sudden, his eyes widen, and he takes two more bites.
Suddenly, he looks up at his wife with the biggest grin he’s ever had.
He chuckled a bit and says “Finally! Something original in this sub!”
A husband and wife get up on Sunday
A wife was in bed with her lover
27.
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game,.
Took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him
why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
“You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one!”
The student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.
“The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars.
We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing …. and… ”
…pausing to take another drink of beer…
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student’s litany and said,…
“You’re right, son. We didn’t have those things when we were young, so we invented them.
Now, you – arrogant little shit – what are you doing for the next generation?”
On their wedding night
Software developer monkey
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game,.
Took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him
why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
“You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one!”
The student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.
“The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars.
We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing …. and… ”
…pausing to take another drink of beer…
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student’s litany and said,…
“You’re right, son. We didn’t have those things when we were young, so we invented them.
Now, you – arrogant little shit – what are you doing for the next generation?”
On their wedding night
Software developer monkey
28.
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.
“I’m shocked!” she complained.
“This is three times what you normally charge.”
“Yes, I know,” said the dentist.
“But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients.”
A hunter ventures into the forest
A laywoman was driving down
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.
“I’m shocked!” she complained.
“This is three times what you normally charge.”
“Yes, I know,” said the dentist.
“But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients.”
A hunter ventures into the forest
A laywoman was driving down
29.
A couple walked into a cheap looking restaurant.
As they were about to sit down they noticed there were crumbs on the seat, after cleaning up the seat and wiping down the table they sat down.
A waitress came over asking them what they wanted, “I’ll just take a coffee” said the man, “me too” said the lady “and make sure the cup is clean.”
The waitress returned with their drinks “OK” she said placing down their cups “now, which one of you wanted the clean cup”.
A Amish girl and her mother
A little boy and his grandfather
A couple walked into a cheap looking restaurant.
As they were about to sit down they noticed there were crumbs on the seat, after cleaning up the seat and wiping down the table they sat down.
A waitress came over asking them what they wanted, “I’ll just take a coffee” said the man, “me too” said the lady “and make sure the cup is clean.”
The waitress returned with their drinks “OK” she said placing down their cups “now, which one of you wanted the clean cup”.
A Amish girl and her mother
A little boy and his grandfather
30.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: Then you use to bite my neck”
Angrily, he got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
A man was standing in front of mirror
A family enters a large store
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: Then you use to bite my neck”
Angrily, he got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
A man was standing in front of mirror
A family enters a large store
Tags:
Eng Jokes