1.
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’m constipated.”
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, “Lean over the table.”
The construction worker leans over the table,
and the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him to the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, “Doc, I feel great. What should I do?”
The doctor says, “Stop wiping with cement bags
A bartender is working one evening
Two 90 year old men
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’m constipated.”
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, “Lean over the table.”
The construction worker leans over the table,
and the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him to the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, “Doc, I feel great. What should I do?”
The doctor says, “Stop wiping with cement bags
A bartender is working one evening
Two 90 year old men
2.
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises his/her hand.
The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?”
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
“Very good Sally,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up his/her hands.
“See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?”
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.
“Very good Billy,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer.
None of the students recognized the animal.
“See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?”
Still no one guesses. “Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.”
Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a h**rny b*sta*d.”
I need your help
A man had been drinking
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises his/her hand.
The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?”
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
“Very good Sally,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up his/her hands.
“See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?”
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.
“Very good Billy,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer.
None of the students recognized the animal.
“See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?”
Still no one guesses. “Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.”
Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a h**rny b*sta*d.”
I need your help
A man had been drinking
3.
The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper.
Money was tight and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.
Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, “This is for you, Daddy.“
He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty.
He yelled at her, “Don’t you know that when you give someone a present, there’s supposed to be something inside it?”
The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, “Oh, Daddy, it is not empty I blew kisses into the box all for you, Daddy.”
The father was crushed he put his arms around his little girl, and he begged for her forgiveness.
It is told that the man kept that gold box by his bed for years and whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.
In a very real sense, each of us as humans have been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, friends, family and God.
There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.
I have two female parrots
A elderly man in Louisiana
The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper.
Money was tight and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.
Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, “This is for you, Daddy.“
He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty.
He yelled at her, “Don’t you know that when you give someone a present, there’s supposed to be something inside it?”
The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, “Oh, Daddy, it is not empty I blew kisses into the box all for you, Daddy.”
The father was crushed he put his arms around his little girl, and he begged for her forgiveness.
It is told that the man kept that gold box by his bed for years and whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.
In a very real sense, each of us as humans have been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, friends, family and God.
There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.
I have two female parrots
A elderly man in Louisiana
4.
He went to buy a guard dog, but his wife was angry when he returned with a chihuahua.
So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees, “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”
The employee responds, “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua.
The man was not impressed and said, “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a chihuahua can’t do that.”
“But this is no regular chihuahua It’s an attack chihuahua!”
The employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack chihuahua, chair”
The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind.
“Wow,” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog.”
“Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again attack chihuahua, table!”
She pointed to a table, and, again, the chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table.
The man said “Okay, okay, I’ll take it.”
When he brought it home, his wife was very angry.
“Why did you buy a chihuahua?!”
She yelled “Because” he responded, “this is no ordinary chihuahua, this is an attack chihuahua!”
“Attack chihuahua, my bum!”
Are you still going to that memory clinic
A old hillbilly farmer
He went to buy a guard dog, but his wife was angry when he returned with a chihuahua.
So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees, “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”
The employee responds, “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua.
The man was not impressed and said, “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a chihuahua can’t do that.”
“But this is no regular chihuahua It’s an attack chihuahua!”
The employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack chihuahua, chair”
The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind.
“Wow,” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog.”
“Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again attack chihuahua, table!”
She pointed to a table, and, again, the chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table.
The man said “Okay, okay, I’ll take it.”
When he brought it home, his wife was very angry.
“Why did you buy a chihuahua?!”
She yelled “Because” he responded, “this is no ordinary chihuahua, this is an attack chihuahua!”
“Attack chihuahua, my bum!”
Are you still going to that memory clinic
A old hillbilly farmer
5.
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
One particular parrot is extremely cheap.
She asks the pet shop owner why.
The owner replies that it has spent some time in a brothel and has picked up some bad language.
Always the spendthrift, the lady takes the parrot home with the intention of teaching it some manners.
When she gets home the parrot pipes up. “New brothel, new Madame”.
The lady was a little taken aback, but remembering the Parrots background she chastises the parrot and tells it that sort of language is unacceptable.
A few hours later the lady’s two daughters arrive home.
The parrot pipes up again: “New brothel, new call girl”.
The girls are shocked but the mother explains the parrots background and once again chastises the parrot.
A few hours later the husband returns home.
Again the parrot pipes up: “Yo Steve, how you doing?”
There was once a man
A guy visits a carnival
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
One particular parrot is extremely cheap.
She asks the pet shop owner why.
The owner replies that it has spent some time in a brothel and has picked up some bad language.
Always the spendthrift, the lady takes the parrot home with the intention of teaching it some manners.
When she gets home the parrot pipes up. “New brothel, new Madame”.
The lady was a little taken aback, but remembering the Parrots background she chastises the parrot and tells it that sort of language is unacceptable.
A few hours later the lady’s two daughters arrive home.
The parrot pipes up again: “New brothel, new call girl”.
The girls are shocked but the mother explains the parrots background and once again chastises the parrot.
A few hours later the husband returns home.
Again the parrot pipes up: “Yo Steve, how you doing?”
There was once a man
A guy visits a carnival
6.
A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” says the little boy.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won’t be getting any breakfast.
Well, he’s a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one.
He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”
A old man and his wife lived deep hills
A couple was dining out
A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” says the little boy.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won’t be getting any breakfast.
Well, he’s a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one.
He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”
A old man and his wife lived deep hills
A couple was dining out
7.
During their vocabulary session the teacher begins her lesson with the word Contagious.
So the teacher asks, “Can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?”
And of course, there is a little girl in the front who raises her hand.
“The flu is very contagious.”
“Very good, Melissa.”
“Can anyone else give us another sentence?” The teacher asks.
Another little boy in the front.
“It is good to cover you mouth when you sneeze because germs are contagious.”
“Very good, Brad” says the teacher.
She then turns her attention to the Irish exchange student who is definitely the shy one of the bunch.
“Finn? Can you think of one?”
Finn thinks for a moment.
“Well, my father used to always laugh at the old neighbor because he would always try to paint the fence with a toothbrush.”
The teacher and I were both puzzled.
“I’m not really sure what that has to do with our word contagious.”
Finn shrugs and with his magnificent Irish accent replies,
“Well, I just know that my father would always say that, It was going to take the contagious”
A magic fairy
A certain king of Spain
During their vocabulary session the teacher begins her lesson with the word Contagious.
So the teacher asks, “Can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?”
And of course, there is a little girl in the front who raises her hand.
“The flu is very contagious.”
“Very good, Melissa.”
“Can anyone else give us another sentence?” The teacher asks.
Another little boy in the front.
“It is good to cover you mouth when you sneeze because germs are contagious.”
“Very good, Brad” says the teacher.
She then turns her attention to the Irish exchange student who is definitely the shy one of the bunch.
“Finn? Can you think of one?”
Finn thinks for a moment.
“Well, my father used to always laugh at the old neighbor because he would always try to paint the fence with a toothbrush.”
The teacher and I were both puzzled.
“I’m not really sure what that has to do with our word contagious.”
Finn shrugs and with his magnificent Irish accent replies,
“Well, I just know that my father would always say that, It was going to take the contagious”
A magic fairy
A certain king of Spain
8.
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers” she said.
“That’s right” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her underwear and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell” he said. ”I can’t get into your underwear!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes!”
A man was on a bus tour
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers” she said.
“That’s right” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her underwear and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell” he said. ”I can’t get into your underwear!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes!”
A man was on a bus tour
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon
9.
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base.
The Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.
The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”
Guy calls in to his Boss
A boy is selling fish
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base.
The Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.
The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”
Guy calls in to his Boss
A boy is selling fish
10.
The friendly usher at the country church greeted the elderly woman visitor at the door and helped her up the steps.
“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row, please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said.
“The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No,” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No,” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
As he walked up to old lady’s car
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
The friendly usher at the country church greeted the elderly woman visitor at the door and helped her up the steps.
“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row, please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said.
“The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No,” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No,” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
As he walked up to old lady’s car
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
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11.
One day, a young guy and a young girl fell in love.
But the guy came from a poor family.
The girl’s parents weren’t too happy.
So the young man decided not only to court the girl but to court her parents as well.
In time, the parents saw that he was a good man and was worthy of their daughter’s hand.
But there was another problem: The man was a soldier soon, war broke out and he was being sent overseas for a year.
The week before he left, the man knelt on his knee and asked his lady love,
“Will you marry me?” She wiped her tears and said “Yes” and they were engaged.
They agreed that when he got back in one year, they would get married.
But tragedy struck a few days after he left, the girl had a major vehicular accident it was a head-on collision.
When she woke up in the hospital, she saw her father and mother crying Immediately, she knew there was something wrong.
She later found out that she suffered brain injury.
The part of her brain that controlled her face muscles was damaged her once lovely face was now disfigured.
She cried as she saw herself in the mirror.
“Yesterday, I was beautiful today, I’m a monster.”
Her body was also covered with so many ugly wounds.
Right there and then, she decided to release her fiance from their promise.
She knew he wouldn’t want her anymore.
She would forget about him and never see him again.
For one year, the soldier wrote many letters—but she wouldn’t answer.
He phoned her many times but she wouldn’t return her calls.
But after one year, the mother walked into her room and announced, “He’s back from the war.”
The girl shouted, “No! Please don’t tell him about me don’t tell him I’m here!”
The mother said, “He’s getting married,” and handed her a wedding invitation.
The girl’s heart sank she knew she still loved him—but she had to forget him now with great sadness, she opened the wedding invitation and then she saw her name on it!
Confused, she asked, “What is this?”
That was when the young man entered her room with a bouquet of flowers.
He knelt beside her and asked, “Will you marry me?”
The girl covered her face with her hands and said, “I’m ugly!”
The man said, “Without your permission, your mother sent me your photos when I saw your photos, I realized that nothing has changed you’re still the person I fell in love you’re still as beautiful as ever because I love you!”
A Man And His Wife Go On A Date
A Amish boy and his father
One day, a young guy and a young girl fell in love.
But the guy came from a poor family.
The girl’s parents weren’t too happy.
So the young man decided not only to court the girl but to court her parents as well.
In time, the parents saw that he was a good man and was worthy of their daughter’s hand.
But there was another problem: The man was a soldier soon, war broke out and he was being sent overseas for a year.
The week before he left, the man knelt on his knee and asked his lady love,
“Will you marry me?” She wiped her tears and said “Yes” and they were engaged.
They agreed that when he got back in one year, they would get married.
But tragedy struck a few days after he left, the girl had a major vehicular accident it was a head-on collision.
When she woke up in the hospital, she saw her father and mother crying Immediately, she knew there was something wrong.
She later found out that she suffered brain injury.
The part of her brain that controlled her face muscles was damaged her once lovely face was now disfigured.
She cried as she saw herself in the mirror.
“Yesterday, I was beautiful today, I’m a monster.”
Her body was also covered with so many ugly wounds.
Right there and then, she decided to release her fiance from their promise.
She knew he wouldn’t want her anymore.
She would forget about him and never see him again.
For one year, the soldier wrote many letters—but she wouldn’t answer.
He phoned her many times but she wouldn’t return her calls.
But after one year, the mother walked into her room and announced, “He’s back from the war.”
The girl shouted, “No! Please don’t tell him about me don’t tell him I’m here!”
The mother said, “He’s getting married,” and handed her a wedding invitation.
The girl’s heart sank she knew she still loved him—but she had to forget him now with great sadness, she opened the wedding invitation and then she saw her name on it!
Confused, she asked, “What is this?”
That was when the young man entered her room with a bouquet of flowers.
He knelt beside her and asked, “Will you marry me?”
The girl covered her face with her hands and said, “I’m ugly!”
The man said, “Without your permission, your mother sent me your photos when I saw your photos, I realized that nothing has changed you’re still the person I fell in love you’re still as beautiful as ever because I love you!”
A Man And His Wife Go On A Date
A Amish boy and his father
12.
There are 3 girls on a island.
They are blond, brunette and a black haired.
After 3 weeks of starvation god comes down and says, “Go home already. i will give you 1 wish each. use it wisely.
The brunette says “i want to go home!” and poof she goes home.
The black says “i want to go home!” and poof she goes home.
The the blonde says “i want my friends back!”
A little girl that didn’t know
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator
There are 3 girls on a island.
They are blond, brunette and a black haired.
After 3 weeks of starvation god comes down and says, “Go home already. i will give you 1 wish each. use it wisely.
The brunette says “i want to go home!” and poof she goes home.
The black says “i want to go home!” and poof she goes home.
The the blonde says “i want my friends back!”
A little girl that didn’t know
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator
13.
“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with listening devices.”
the girlfriend tells her boyfriend.
“That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies.
The girl insists, so he starts to search the room
He looks in all of the drawers, under the TV, and behind the curtains
When he pulls the rug up, to his utter disbelief, he finds a suspicious looking disc.
“Wow, you might be right!” the man says as he unscr*ws the disc from the floor.
The next morning, they head to the front desk to check out of their room.
“You guys must’ve had a good time last night” the clerk says laughing.
Angry and confused, the man asks, “AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?! ARE YOU USING LISTENING DEVICES TO TRACK EVERYTHING WE’RE DOING OR SOMETHING?!?!”
The clerk replies,
“Not at all
It’s just that the entire chandelier on the floor below your room came down.”
I forgot my teeth
A nine-year-old kid sitting at desk
“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with listening devices.”
the girlfriend tells her boyfriend.
“That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies.
The girl insists, so he starts to search the room
He looks in all of the drawers, under the TV, and behind the curtains
When he pulls the rug up, to his utter disbelief, he finds a suspicious looking disc.
“Wow, you might be right!” the man says as he unscr*ws the disc from the floor.
The next morning, they head to the front desk to check out of their room.
“You guys must’ve had a good time last night” the clerk says laughing.
Angry and confused, the man asks, “AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?! ARE YOU USING LISTENING DEVICES TO TRACK EVERYTHING WE’RE DOING OR SOMETHING?!?!”
The clerk replies,
“Not at all
It’s just that the entire chandelier on the floor below your room came down.”
I forgot my teeth
A nine-year-old kid sitting at desk
14.
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port.
About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!
“Captain, captain, what do we do?” asked the first mate.
“First mate,” said the captain, “go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt.”
The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight.
So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!
“Captain, captain, what should we do?”
“First mate, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration.
The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
“It’s simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear.”
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy’s armada were approaching!
“Captain, captain, we’re in terrible trouble, what do we do?”
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.
Pale with fear, the captain commanded, “First mate…. bring me my brown pants!”
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey
After an hour of gathering up his courage
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port.
About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!
“Captain, captain, what do we do?” asked the first mate.
“First mate,” said the captain, “go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt.”
The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight.
So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!
“Captain, captain, what should we do?”
“First mate, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration.
The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
“It’s simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear.”
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy’s armada were approaching!
“Captain, captain, we’re in terrible trouble, what do we do?”
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.
Pale with fear, the captain commanded, “First mate…. bring me my brown pants!”
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey
After an hour of gathering up his courage
15.
A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road.
After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
“Gosh!” exclaimed the new bride.
“You certainly have a dangerous job. Don’t you ever get bitten by the snakes?”
“Yes, on rare occasions,” answered the handler.
“Well,” she continued, “just what do you do when you’re bitten by a snake?”
“I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then taste it the poison from the wound.”
“What, uh… what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?” persisted the woman.
“Ma’am,” answered the snake handler, “that will be the day I learn who my real friends are.”
A young couple got married
A old couple finally decide
A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road.
After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
“Gosh!” exclaimed the new bride.
“You certainly have a dangerous job. Don’t you ever get bitten by the snakes?”
“Yes, on rare occasions,” answered the handler.
“Well,” she continued, “just what do you do when you’re bitten by a snake?”
“I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then taste it the poison from the wound.”
“What, uh… what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?” persisted the woman.
“Ma’am,” answered the snake handler, “that will be the day I learn who my real friends are.”
A young couple got married
A old couple finally decide
16.
After many years of bachelorhood, this older gent finds and marries a beautiful young lady.
On their honeymoon night, she slips into a sheer negligee and a comfortable bed as he goes into the bathroom to prepare himself for glory.
Five minutes go by. Ten minutes go by.
Concerned, the bride goes into the bathroom, where she finds her aged husband furiously mstrbting.
She smiles and says, “You’re married now. You don’t have to do that anymore.”
Her husband looks at her a bit bewildered and says, “Oh, I forgot.
A 91-year-old lady comes to the dentist’s office
A boy who was a witness to a crime
After many years of bachelorhood, this older gent finds and marries a beautiful young lady.
On their honeymoon night, she slips into a sheer negligee and a comfortable bed as he goes into the bathroom to prepare himself for glory.
Five minutes go by. Ten minutes go by.
Concerned, the bride goes into the bathroom, where she finds her aged husband furiously mstrbting.
She smiles and says, “You’re married now. You don’t have to do that anymore.”
Her husband looks at her a bit bewildered and says, “Oh, I forgot.
A 91-year-old lady comes to the dentist’s office
A boy who was a witness to a crime
17.
The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn’t work, and the church didn’t have the funds for any repairs.
Then, the priest got a brilliant idea.
He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover.
At the next service, he took out a cross on a chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance.
He said, “I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate.”
They did, and he had the church’s roof fixed that week.
This worked so well that on the next Sunday, he decided to do it again.
Taking his cross out, he proclaimed, “I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate.”
They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.
His third Sunday, he got to thinking, “I haven’t been paid in a long time, I deserve a little money.”
He started swinging his cross again, and he thought, “I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money.”
I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach.
I deserve a lot more.
The crowd was hypnotized, but he got so excited about what he wanted to receive that his hands started to sweat, and as the chain slipped from his grip and hit the floor.
The General went out to find
A 24 year old boy
The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn’t work, and the church didn’t have the funds for any repairs.
Then, the priest got a brilliant idea.
He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover.
At the next service, he took out a cross on a chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance.
He said, “I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate.”
They did, and he had the church’s roof fixed that week.
This worked so well that on the next Sunday, he decided to do it again.
Taking his cross out, he proclaimed, “I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate.”
They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.
His third Sunday, he got to thinking, “I haven’t been paid in a long time, I deserve a little money.”
He started swinging his cross again, and he thought, “I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money.”
I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach.
I deserve a lot more.
The crowd was hypnotized, but he got so excited about what he wanted to receive that his hands started to sweat, and as the chain slipped from his grip and hit the floor.
The General went out to find
A 24 year old boy
18.
Two Irishmen were talking: The first asks, “Connor, you know that guy Trump who is running for President?”
Connor says, “I do Sean, I do.”
“Well”, says Sean, “The next time he gets up to talk, I’d like to see someone throw a shoe at his head”.
“Now, now, you know you’re not supposed to wish harm on anyone”, says Connor.
“Oh!” says Sean, “I’m not wishing him harm, and I just want to see Donald duck.”
A man and his dog walk into a bar
A lady was sitting with a guy in a plane
Two Irishmen were talking: The first asks, “Connor, you know that guy Trump who is running for President?”
Connor says, “I do Sean, I do.”
“Well”, says Sean, “The next time he gets up to talk, I’d like to see someone throw a shoe at his head”.
“Now, now, you know you’re not supposed to wish harm on anyone”, says Connor.
“Oh!” says Sean, “I’m not wishing him harm, and I just want to see Donald duck.”
A man and his dog walk into a bar
A lady was sitting with a guy in a plane
19.
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” sighs the husband, “she’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
A wife found her husband standing over their baby
The new wife tells her husband
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” sighs the husband, “she’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
A wife found her husband standing over their baby
The new wife tells her husband
20.
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.
HIM: “I’m sorry dear but I’m up to my neck in work today.”
HER: “But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you dear.”
HIM: “OK darling, but as I’ve got no time now, just give me the good news.”
HER: “Well, the air bag works.”
After 25 years of marriage
The lady sitting next to a man
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.
HIM: “I’m sorry dear but I’m up to my neck in work today.”
HER: “But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you dear.”
HIM: “OK darling, but as I’ve got no time now, just give me the good news.”
HER: “Well, the air bag works.”
After 25 years of marriage
The lady sitting next to a man
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21.
Three men are playing golf at a Country Club: Obi Wan Ken-obi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap.
He mind controls his candy to mark it a h*le-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the h*le.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!”
A man died and went to straight
A father buys a lie detector robot
Three men are playing golf at a Country Club: Obi Wan Ken-obi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap.
He mind controls his candy to mark it a h*le-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the h*le.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!”
A man died and went to straight
A father buys a lie detector robot
22.
A blonde walks into an empty bar on New Year’s Eve and asks the bartender if she can use his phone to wish her family back in St. Louis a happy new year.
“Well,” starts the bartender, “the rates are pretty high on New Year’s. You’ll have to leave me a couple of bucks.”
“Oh, darn!” she replies, “I don’t have a dime! What am I gonna do? This is my first holiday without my family.”
The bartender gives it about 2 seconds thought and comes back with a proposal.
“Why don’t you just come back here behind the bar… I’m sure we can work out a way for you to speak with them.”
Eagerly, the blonde runs behind the bar just as the bartender starts to unzip his fly and pull out his mickey.
“Okay, honey,” he says as he gestures towards his, “just put your mouth up to this!”
Desperately wanting to do as he says, the girl kneels down and does what she’s told.
She brings her mouth up to his and quizzically goes “Hello, Mom?”
A teacher was working with a group of children
A business man got on an elevator
A blonde walks into an empty bar on New Year’s Eve and asks the bartender if she can use his phone to wish her family back in St. Louis a happy new year.
“Well,” starts the bartender, “the rates are pretty high on New Year’s. You’ll have to leave me a couple of bucks.”
“Oh, darn!” she replies, “I don’t have a dime! What am I gonna do? This is my first holiday without my family.”
The bartender gives it about 2 seconds thought and comes back with a proposal.
“Why don’t you just come back here behind the bar… I’m sure we can work out a way for you to speak with them.”
Eagerly, the blonde runs behind the bar just as the bartender starts to unzip his fly and pull out his mickey.
“Okay, honey,” he says as he gestures towards his, “just put your mouth up to this!”
Desperately wanting to do as he says, the girl kneels down and does what she’s told.
She brings her mouth up to his and quizzically goes “Hello, Mom?”
A teacher was working with a group of children
A business man got on an elevator
23.
A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana.
He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, “I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of.”
“Ok,” says the bartender.
“How ’bout ‘Blue Moon’?”
The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon.
“That’s amazing,” says the bartender as he slaps down $1000.
“I’ll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to.”
“Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana You’re on have him sing the Star Spangled Banner.”
The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner.
As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, “I just saw that and I was amazed I want to buy your iguana for $100,000.”
The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left.
The bartender said “What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!”
The man said “Oh, the iguana can’t sing the frog’s a ventriloquist.”
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle
A mathematician and biologist & physicist
A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana.
He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, “I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of.”
“Ok,” says the bartender.
“How ’bout ‘Blue Moon’?”
The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon.
“That’s amazing,” says the bartender as he slaps down $1000.
“I’ll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to.”
“Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana You’re on have him sing the Star Spangled Banner.”
The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner.
As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, “I just saw that and I was amazed I want to buy your iguana for $100,000.”
The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left.
The bartender said “What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!”
The man said “Oh, the iguana can’t sing the frog’s a ventriloquist.”
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle
A mathematician and biologist & physicist
24.
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, “What do I look like to you?
A landscaper?!”
Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, “Honey, can you fix the faucet?”
The husband replied, “What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!”
Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, “Honey, can you change the light bulb?”
His reply was, “What am I? An electrician?!”
A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, “Honey, what happened here?”
The wife replies, “You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything.”
The husband says, “Honey, how did you pay him?!”
“Oh, you know,” the wife says, “he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have make love with him.”
Somewhat relieved the husband asks, “Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?”
The wife replies, “Who do you think I am? Betty C rocker?!”
A young man and woman got married
A mother comes home from work
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, “What do I look like to you?
A landscaper?!”
Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, “Honey, can you fix the faucet?”
The husband replied, “What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!”
Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, “Honey, can you change the light bulb?”
His reply was, “What am I? An electrician?!”
A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, “Honey, what happened here?”
The wife replies, “You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything.”
The husband says, “Honey, how did you pay him?!”
“Oh, you know,” the wife says, “he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have make love with him.”
Somewhat relieved the husband asks, “Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?”
The wife replies, “Who do you think I am? Betty C rocker?!”
A young man and woman got married
A mother comes home from work
25.
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep.
Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.”
The shepherd thinks it over It’s a big flock, so he takes the bet.
“973,” says the man.
The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says “OK, I’m a man of my word, take an animal.”
The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
“Wait,” cries the shepherd, “let me have a chance to get even double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.”
The man agrees.
“You are an accountant for the government,” says the shepherd.
“Amazing!” responds the man.
“You are exactly right! But tell me: how did you deduce that?”
“Well,” says the shepherd, “put down my dog and I will tell you.”
Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya
A married couple is driving along
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep.
Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.”
The shepherd thinks it over It’s a big flock, so he takes the bet.
“973,” says the man.
The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says “OK, I’m a man of my word, take an animal.”
The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
“Wait,” cries the shepherd, “let me have a chance to get even double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.”
The man agrees.
“You are an accountant for the government,” says the shepherd.
“Amazing!” responds the man.
“You are exactly right! But tell me: how did you deduce that?”
“Well,” says the shepherd, “put down my dog and I will tell you.”
Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya
A married couple is driving along
26.
A woman meets with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend.
They make love for hours.
Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone suddenly rings.
Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver.
The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called…”
“Really? That’s wonderful…”
“Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time…”
“Oh, that sounds terrific… Love you too.”
“OK. Bye-bye.”
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks: “Who was THAT?”
“Oh,” she replies, “That was just my husband telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
A guy dials his home phone from work
A dentist was getting ready to clean
A woman meets with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend.
They make love for hours.
Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone suddenly rings.
Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver.
The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called…”
“Really? That’s wonderful…”
“Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time…”
“Oh, that sounds terrific… Love you too.”
“OK. Bye-bye.”
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks: “Who was THAT?”
“Oh,” she replies, “That was just my husband telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
A guy dials his home phone from work
A dentist was getting ready to clean
27.
Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year.
“He’s a magician,” said the small boy.
“How interesting! What’s his favorite trick?
“Sawing people in half.”
“Really? Now, next question any brothers or sisters?”
“Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters.”
A old hunter of foxes
A Raven & A Swan
Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year.
“He’s a magician,” said the small boy.
“How interesting! What’s his favorite trick?
“Sawing people in half.”
“Really? Now, next question any brothers or sisters?”
“Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters.”
A old hunter of foxes
A Raven & A Swan
28.
A woman wakes up in the middle of the night only to find her husband wasn’t there.
She puts on her robe and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter Dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of the night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,and you was only 15?” he asks solemnly.
“Yes I do” she replies.
The husband pauses. The words aren’t coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us having lovemaking in the back seat of the car?”
“Yes,I remember.” she replies,lowering herself in a chair beside him.
The husband continues.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said either you marry my daughter, or I’ll see to it you spend the next 20 years in prison.”
“I remember that too.” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today.”
A gentleman wife is planning on dinner party
A elderly man made his final request to his wife
A woman wakes up in the middle of the night only to find her husband wasn’t there.
She puts on her robe and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter Dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of the night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,and you was only 15?” he asks solemnly.
“Yes I do” she replies.
The husband pauses. The words aren’t coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us having lovemaking in the back seat of the car?”
“Yes,I remember.” she replies,lowering herself in a chair beside him.
The husband continues.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said either you marry my daughter, or I’ll see to it you spend the next 20 years in prison.”
“I remember that too.” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today.”
A gentleman wife is planning on dinner party
A elderly man made his final request to his wife
29.
An old lady walked into the Bank of America with a huge bag of money.
She told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money.
The receptionist objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went inside the office.
She came back and said, “You are lucky this morning, He will see you!”
Bank president: “How can I help you madam?”
She Old Lady: “I would like to open a new account and deposit this money.”
He: “How much money do you like to deposit?”
She: “$180,000 Please.” Started dumping the whole amount on his table.
The bank president was a bit surprised.
“How did you get this much cash Madam? We are not a laundering facility!”
She: “Oh, it’s nothing illegal. I make bets.”
He: “What kind of bets?”
She: “For example, I bet you that your right hand will taste like eggs, just your right hand and not your left. Lets meet again by tomorrow 9:00 AM. If I’m right, you will owe me $25,000. If I lose, I’ll pay you $10,000!”
The man is shocked. How is that even possible? But he’s a banker at heart and this is easy money, so he accepts the bet almost immediately.
She: “Okay then, I’ll come around 9:00 AM tomorrow with my lawyer. Don’t try to dodge the bet! No regrets!”
Feeling hesitant before her certainty, he mumbles his agreement.
It was so bizarre, he didn’t even like eggs! But he was so tense about it, he couldn’t sleep all night, licking his hands and smelling them to make sure they smell normal.
The next day at 9:00 AM the old lady was there, right on time, with her witness.
She: “Can I check your hands now Sir?”
He: “Yes. Go ahead.”
She held his hands and started sniffing his right hand. Then she licked it briefly to confirm.
Her lawyer started banging his head against the wall.
The president, delighted with his $10,000 win and kicking himself for worrying, asked the lady what was wrong with lawyer’s strange behaviour.
Lawyer: “She had a bet with me for $100,000. I can’t believe I lost. She said she will be licking the hands of the president of the Bank of America at 9:00 AM today!”
A married man affair with his secretary
George goes to the doctor
An old lady walked into the Bank of America with a huge bag of money.
She told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money.
The receptionist objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went inside the office.
She came back and said, “You are lucky this morning, He will see you!”
Bank president: “How can I help you madam?”
She Old Lady: “I would like to open a new account and deposit this money.”
He: “How much money do you like to deposit?”
She: “$180,000 Please.” Started dumping the whole amount on his table.
The bank president was a bit surprised.
“How did you get this much cash Madam? We are not a laundering facility!”
She: “Oh, it’s nothing illegal. I make bets.”
He: “What kind of bets?”
She: “For example, I bet you that your right hand will taste like eggs, just your right hand and not your left. Lets meet again by tomorrow 9:00 AM. If I’m right, you will owe me $25,000. If I lose, I’ll pay you $10,000!”
The man is shocked. How is that even possible? But he’s a banker at heart and this is easy money, so he accepts the bet almost immediately.
She: “Okay then, I’ll come around 9:00 AM tomorrow with my lawyer. Don’t try to dodge the bet! No regrets!”
Feeling hesitant before her certainty, he mumbles his agreement.
It was so bizarre, he didn’t even like eggs! But he was so tense about it, he couldn’t sleep all night, licking his hands and smelling them to make sure they smell normal.
The next day at 9:00 AM the old lady was there, right on time, with her witness.
She: “Can I check your hands now Sir?”
He: “Yes. Go ahead.”
She held his hands and started sniffing his right hand. Then she licked it briefly to confirm.
Her lawyer started banging his head against the wall.
The president, delighted with his $10,000 win and kicking himself for worrying, asked the lady what was wrong with lawyer’s strange behaviour.
Lawyer: “She had a bet with me for $100,000. I can’t believe I lost. She said she will be licking the hands of the president of the Bank of America at 9:00 AM today!”
A married man affair with his secretary
George goes to the doctor
30.
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, “that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?”
The man replies, “all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious… Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.”
“Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.”
“Why chrome?” asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”
A blonde accountant calls her boyfriend
A elderly couple were on a cruise
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, “that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?”
The man replies, “all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious… Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.”
“Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.”
“Why chrome?” asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”
A blonde accountant calls her boyfriend
A elderly couple were on a cruise
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