1.
So it was Jim first time leaving Europe, he was excited about visiting America and expanding his horizons.
Excuse me, said a woman to him at the airport.
Do you happen to be traveling to America?
As a matter of fact I am responded Jim.
Do me a favor, my husband left to America 2 months ago and I haven seen or heard from him since.
If you meet a fellow named John Dun, tell him to call his wife.
Jim happily complied and was on his way.
He was barely in America for a hour when he saw a big building with the words Dun Watches, Wow! thought Jim that was easy.
Jim walked into the building and asked the lady behind the desk do you have a John here? Second door on the left, was her reply.
Jim saw a man walking out of the door drying his hands are you Dun? he asked.
Yes came the mystified reply.
Call your wife, said Jim, she been waiting to hear from you.
A lady went to a psychiatrist
A man was married to a woman
So it was Jim first time leaving Europe, he was excited about visiting America and expanding his horizons.
Excuse me, said a woman to him at the airport.
Do you happen to be traveling to America?
As a matter of fact I am responded Jim.
Do me a favor, my husband left to America 2 months ago and I haven seen or heard from him since.
If you meet a fellow named John Dun, tell him to call his wife.
Jim happily complied and was on his way.
He was barely in America for a hour when he saw a big building with the words Dun Watches, Wow! thought Jim that was easy.
Jim walked into the building and asked the lady behind the desk do you have a John here? Second door on the left, was her reply.
Jim saw a man walking out of the door drying his hands are you Dun? he asked.
Yes came the mystified reply.
Call your wife, said Jim, she been waiting to hear from you.
A lady went to a psychiatrist
A man was married to a woman
2.
Fred and Mary got married, but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s parent’s home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, “No”.
Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
She replies, “No.”
Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! eat your lunch and go back to school.”
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
His mom says “No.”
He asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His Mom replies, “Ok, do tell me what you think?”
He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”
A couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary
Little Johnny went to his father
Fred and Mary got married, but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s parent’s home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, “No”.
Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
She replies, “No.”
Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! eat your lunch and go back to school.”
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
His mom says “No.”
He asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His Mom replies, “Ok, do tell me what you think?”
He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”
A couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary
Little Johnny went to his father
3.
A early morning husband woke up his wife and asked her: “Honey would you like to join me for Yoga?”
She: “Ohh. So you mean to say I am fat?”
Hubby: “No. Yoga is good for health.”
She: “Oh.. that means I am sick.”
Hubby: “No no. If you don’t want to get up, then it’s OK.”…
She: “So now you think I am lazy, ha?”
Hubby: “Nooo. You are misunderstanding me. I didn’t mean….”
She: “Aha ! So I don’t understand you, right?”
Hubby: “Now look I didn’t say that.”
She: “So am I lying? “
Hubby: Plz “don’t stretch it in the morning”
She: “Oh wow. So I am a quarrelsome lady.”
Hubby: “All right ! Its better that I also don’t go for Yoga.”
She: “See ? You never wanted to go. Just wanted to blame me.”
HUBBY: “Ok You go off to sleep. I am going alone.. happy?.”
SHE: “You always go alone everywhere and enjoy.”
Hubby: “Plz . I am feeling giddy now “
She: “See? You are so selfish. Always think of yourself only. Never think of my health.”
Husband is sitting and thinking where he went wrong
The 6th grade school teacher asked
The court why you want a divorce
A early morning husband woke up his wife and asked her: “Honey would you like to join me for Yoga?”
She: “Ohh. So you mean to say I am fat?”
Hubby: “No. Yoga is good for health.”
She: “Oh.. that means I am sick.”
Hubby: “No no. If you don’t want to get up, then it’s OK.”…
She: “So now you think I am lazy, ha?”
Hubby: “Nooo. You are misunderstanding me. I didn’t mean….”
She: “Aha ! So I don’t understand you, right?”
Hubby: “Now look I didn’t say that.”
She: “So am I lying? “
Hubby: Plz “don’t stretch it in the morning”
She: “Oh wow. So I am a quarrelsome lady.”
Hubby: “All right ! Its better that I also don’t go for Yoga.”
She: “See ? You never wanted to go. Just wanted to blame me.”
HUBBY: “Ok You go off to sleep. I am going alone.. happy?.”
SHE: “You always go alone everywhere and enjoy.”
Hubby: “Plz . I am feeling giddy now “
She: “See? You are so selfish. Always think of yourself only. Never think of my health.”
Husband is sitting and thinking where he went wrong
The 6th grade school teacher asked
The court why you want a divorce
4.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said,
“My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
He entered their bedroom
A elderly married couple is having problems
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said,
“My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
He entered their bedroom
A elderly married couple is having problems
5.
Few years have passed and Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time not seeing each other.
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks.
“If there is a memento of some sort inside.”
“Yes,” says Sally, “a look of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
The visiting church school supervisor asks
A blonde was suffering
Few years have passed and Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time not seeing each other.
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks.
“If there is a memento of some sort inside.”
“Yes,” says Sally, “a look of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
The visiting church school supervisor asks
A blonde was suffering
6.
An old couple in an old folks home are having an affair, nothing much they just sit watching TV late at night while the old woman holds the old mans weapon.
Then suddenly the old man ends the affair because of another woman.
The old woman’s distraught and yells, “WHAT’S THIS OTHER WOMAN GOT THAT I HAVEN’T!”
The old man smiles and says, “Parkinson’s disease.”
A old lady calls 911 late one night
John and his wife are getting ready for bed
An old couple in an old folks home are having an affair, nothing much they just sit watching TV late at night while the old woman holds the old mans weapon.
Then suddenly the old man ends the affair because of another woman.
The old woman’s distraught and yells, “WHAT’S THIS OTHER WOMAN GOT THAT I HAVEN’T!”
The old man smiles and says, “Parkinson’s disease.”
A old lady calls 911 late one night
John and his wife are getting ready for bed
7.
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus; she noticed the man opposite to her was smiling at her so she immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Slogan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling” and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick” and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident “I just lost it.”
A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator
Two friends are having drinks
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus; she noticed the man opposite to her was smiling at her so she immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Slogan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling” and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick” and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident “I just lost it.”
A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator
Two friends are having drinks
8.
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he’d heard recently.
Everybody laughed loudly.
Everybody, that is, except Mike.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, “What’s the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?”
“My sense of humor is fine,” he said.
“But I don’t have to laugh. I’m quitting tomorrow.”
Mrs Potts went to the doctor
A group of young children were sitting
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he’d heard recently.
Everybody laughed loudly.
Everybody, that is, except Mike.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, “What’s the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?”
“My sense of humor is fine,” he said.
“But I don’t have to laugh. I’m quitting tomorrow.”
Mrs Potts went to the doctor
A group of young children were sitting
9.
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
She tells the doctor that her daughter has been having terrible nausea in the morning,
lost her appetite, and even missed a period.
The doctor examines her, orders a bloodwork, and tells them to come back later in the evening.
The mom and girl come back. The doctor announces that the girl is pregnant.
The visibly irked mother tells the doctor in a very indignant tone:
“But that is not possible at all.
I have ensured that she doesn’t have any boyfriends, she goes to an all girls Catholic school, and dresses like a nun.
She is absolutely a virgin.
You probably haven’t examined her well! You are wrong!!”
The girl doesn’t speak a word and stays fidgeting while looking at her toes.
The doctor stands up and walks to the window.
As he peeps out, the mother says,
“Well..aren’t you going to say something? Order more tests? Refer us to a different doctor?
What are you looking for through that window anyway?”
The doctor turns.
“Ma’am. The last time this happened a star appeared in the east
A college professor
A couple decide to take their young daughter
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
She tells the doctor that her daughter has been having terrible nausea in the morning,
lost her appetite, and even missed a period.
The doctor examines her, orders a bloodwork, and tells them to come back later in the evening.
The mom and girl come back. The doctor announces that the girl is pregnant.
The visibly irked mother tells the doctor in a very indignant tone:
“But that is not possible at all.
I have ensured that she doesn’t have any boyfriends, she goes to an all girls Catholic school, and dresses like a nun.
She is absolutely a virgin.
You probably haven’t examined her well! You are wrong!!”
The girl doesn’t speak a word and stays fidgeting while looking at her toes.
The doctor stands up and walks to the window.
As he peeps out, the mother says,
“Well..aren’t you going to say something? Order more tests? Refer us to a different doctor?
What are you looking for through that window anyway?”
The doctor turns.
“Ma’am. The last time this happened a star appeared in the east
A college professor
A couple decide to take their young daughter
10.
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said,
“Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we’re still on the top side of the grass!”
This bloke went into a nightclub
A man boards a flight
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said,
“Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we’re still on the top side of the grass!”
This bloke went into a nightclub
A man boards a flight
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11.
A woman went shopping.
At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse:
He could not control his curiosity and ask.
“Do you always carry your TV remote with you?”
She replied. “No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote.”
The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that the lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act. She asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said. “Your husband has blocked your credit card.”
A old man goes to his doctor
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
A woman went shopping.
At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse:
He could not control his curiosity and ask.
“Do you always carry your TV remote with you?”
She replied. “No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote.”
The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that the lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act. She asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said. “Your husband has blocked your credit card.”
A old man goes to his doctor
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
12.
An old french man moves to America and begins looking for a job.
He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner.
The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.
“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”
And the old man says, in his thick accent,
“In France, we have a lot of trees. So tree plus tree plus tree equals nine.”
The owner, surprised, nonchalantly says
“Well, that was an easy one. Now I need you to express the number 99 with the same rules.”
The old man responds, “In France, we have a lot of trees and sometimes you see a lot of mud on the trees. So dirty tree, plus dirty tree, plus dirty tree, equals ninety-nine.”
The owner is impressed but worries that he’s actually going to have to hire the man.
“Okay, if you can answer this last question, you’re hired. Express the number 100 using the same rules.”
The old man replies “Well I have a doggy, and he no like dirty trees, so I take him for a walk and he goes to each of the trees and takes a tiny little sh!t right next to each one. Dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, equals a hundred. So when do I start?”
A man was riding on a full bus
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
An old french man moves to America and begins looking for a job.
He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner.
The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.
“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”
And the old man says, in his thick accent,
“In France, we have a lot of trees. So tree plus tree plus tree equals nine.”
The owner, surprised, nonchalantly says
“Well, that was an easy one. Now I need you to express the number 99 with the same rules.”
The old man responds, “In France, we have a lot of trees and sometimes you see a lot of mud on the trees. So dirty tree, plus dirty tree, plus dirty tree, equals ninety-nine.”
The owner is impressed but worries that he’s actually going to have to hire the man.
“Okay, if you can answer this last question, you’re hired. Express the number 100 using the same rules.”
The old man replies “Well I have a doggy, and he no like dirty trees, so I take him for a walk and he goes to each of the trees and takes a tiny little sh!t right next to each one. Dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, equals a hundred. So when do I start?”
A man was riding on a full bus
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
13.
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.
They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”
The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.
He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.
Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.
“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”
The devil realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing.
He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?”
They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”
The guard stops him and says
The pastor always said
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.
They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”
The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.
He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.
Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.
“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”
The devil realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing.
He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?”
They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”
The guard stops him and says
The pastor always said
14.
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.”
A male patient was lying in bed
Three old men are discussing
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.”
A male patient was lying in bed
Three old men are discussing
15.
A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert.
During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.
The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand,
“Today my best friend slapped me in the face.”
They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.
The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.
After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone,
“Today my best friend saved my life.”
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him,
“After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?”
The other friend replied,
“When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.
But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.”
Moral of the story, Don’t value the things you have in your life but value who you have in your life.
The pilot complains about the airman
A busload of politicians
A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert.
During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.
The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand,
“Today my best friend slapped me in the face.”
They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.
The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.
After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone,
“Today my best friend saved my life.”
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him,
“After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?”
The other friend replied,
“When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.
But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.”
Moral of the story, Don’t value the things you have in your life but value who you have in your life.
The pilot complains about the airman
A busload of politicians
16.
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls for his 10th birthday.
When he turned 11 he wished for 11 ping-pong balls.
This continued every year.
They boy grew up to a man. When he turned 18, he wished for 18 ping-pong balls and when he turned 25 he wished for 25 ping-pong balls.
His friends and family never asked about it, but they always wondered why he wished for nothing else.
Just ping-pong balls.
When he was 40, he wished for 40 ping-pong balls.
The time finally came for his 50th birthday party and he invited 50 people and said that each of them should bring 1 ping-pong ball each.
And they did. No questions asked.
The man turned 60 and guess what he wished for? That’s right. 60 ping-pong balls.
At 70 year old he got 70 ping-pong balls from his beloved wife and children.
At 80 years old, sadly, the man became sick. Very sick. He had to be put in a hospital.
On his deathbed, surrounded by his wife and children his wife asked him:
“My love, tell me. What were you going to do with all the ping-pong balls?”
He smiled at his wife.
“Well” he said. “I was going to use them for..”
Sadly he died before he could tell her.
My general was making so damn angry
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls for his 10th birthday.
When he turned 11 he wished for 11 ping-pong balls.
This continued every year.
They boy grew up to a man. When he turned 18, he wished for 18 ping-pong balls and when he turned 25 he wished for 25 ping-pong balls.
His friends and family never asked about it, but they always wondered why he wished for nothing else.
Just ping-pong balls.
When he was 40, he wished for 40 ping-pong balls.
The time finally came for his 50th birthday party and he invited 50 people and said that each of them should bring 1 ping-pong ball each.
And they did. No questions asked.
The man turned 60 and guess what he wished for? That’s right. 60 ping-pong balls.
At 70 year old he got 70 ping-pong balls from his beloved wife and children.
At 80 years old, sadly, the man became sick. Very sick. He had to be put in a hospital.
On his deathbed, surrounded by his wife and children his wife asked him:
“My love, tell me. What were you going to do with all the ping-pong balls?”
He smiled at his wife.
“Well” he said. “I was going to use them for..”
Sadly he died before he could tell her.
My general was making so damn angry
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot
17.
A farmer buys a young rooster.
As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & bangs all 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch.
At lunch, the rooster again mating all 150 hens.
The farmer gets a bit worried now.
The next day, he finds the rooster bang the ducks, geese, & a parrot too which is now scaring him.
Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head.
The farmer says, “You horny bastard, you deserve this.”
The rooster opens one eye, points up, & whispers, “Shh! Don’t shout, let them land!”
A rabbit hops into a pub
They were all trapped on an island
A farmer buys a young rooster.
As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & bangs all 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch.
At lunch, the rooster again mating all 150 hens.
The farmer gets a bit worried now.
The next day, he finds the rooster bang the ducks, geese, & a parrot too which is now scaring him.
Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head.
The farmer says, “You horny bastard, you deserve this.”
The rooster opens one eye, points up, & whispers, “Shh! Don’t shout, let them land!”
A rabbit hops into a pub
They were all trapped on an island
18.
A boy decides to learn the language of all animals.
Dad, there is a school where you can learn the language of animals.
Please, give me money to go there and study.
Fathers agree and give him money.
After a year, the son returns home and the father decides to test his skills.
Son, did you learn the language?
Yes father. Do you hear the cow mooing? She says that she is about to give you 10 liters of milk.
That’s impossible, this cow can give no more than a liter.
Dad milked the cow and it actually gave him 10 liters of milk.
Dad’s super confused but decided that it was a coincidence.
Do you hear that hen? She says that she is about to lay 5 eggs now.
That’s impossible, that hen has never laid any eggs before.
Dad still goes there and checks for the eggs and there actually are 5 eggs laid.
Dad is confused but starts to believe his son.
The second day son sees a donkey running away from his dad and hee-hawing.
Dad trying to pull up his trousers and chase the donkey and screaming to his son: Don’t trust this donkey, she’s lying, don’t believe it son.
A man was in hurry to catch a train
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs
A boy decides to learn the language of all animals.
Dad, there is a school where you can learn the language of animals.
Please, give me money to go there and study.
Fathers agree and give him money.
After a year, the son returns home and the father decides to test his skills.
Son, did you learn the language?
Yes father. Do you hear the cow mooing? She says that she is about to give you 10 liters of milk.
That’s impossible, this cow can give no more than a liter.
Dad milked the cow and it actually gave him 10 liters of milk.
Dad’s super confused but decided that it was a coincidence.
Do you hear that hen? She says that she is about to lay 5 eggs now.
That’s impossible, that hen has never laid any eggs before.
Dad still goes there and checks for the eggs and there actually are 5 eggs laid.
Dad is confused but starts to believe his son.
The second day son sees a donkey running away from his dad and hee-hawing.
Dad trying to pull up his trousers and chase the donkey and screaming to his son: Don’t trust this donkey, she’s lying, don’t believe it son.
A man was in hurry to catch a train
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs
19.
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud knocking on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunk stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband,
“it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He then returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife.
“Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing set,” replied the drunk.
A young lady settled down in her local train
Two young brothers in Rome
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud knocking on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunk stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband,
“it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He then returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife.
“Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing set,” replied the drunk.
A young lady settled down in her local train
Two young brothers in Rome
20.
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, “My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
Two men went bear hunting
Two kids are arguing
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, “My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
Two men went bear hunting
Two kids are arguing
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21.
No way man. It’s just it’s just ice cream. Furiously cleans mouth. …I just made this one up. Promise!
Sunny day. Penguin driving down the road. Hears a thump thump from wheel.
Pulls into garage. Take a look at this please.
Ok. Will take a few mins. Go for a walk Penguin.
Sunny day. Penguin get an ice cream.
Waddles around. Bit of window shopping.
Goes back to garage. What’s the story with vehicle garage man? Penguin family at home.
Need to go back and take turn on egg.
Well it looks like you blew a seal…
Cue laughter and cheers …..
My friend has trouble attracting women
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding
No way man. It’s just it’s just ice cream. Furiously cleans mouth. …I just made this one up. Promise!
Sunny day. Penguin driving down the road. Hears a thump thump from wheel.
Pulls into garage. Take a look at this please.
Ok. Will take a few mins. Go for a walk Penguin.
Sunny day. Penguin get an ice cream.
Waddles around. Bit of window shopping.
Goes back to garage. What’s the story with vehicle garage man? Penguin family at home.
Need to go back and take turn on egg.
Well it looks like you blew a seal…
Cue laughter and cheers …..
My friend has trouble attracting women
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding
22.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
A man joins a soccer team
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
A man joins a soccer team
23.
Johnny went to confession, at the beginning of Lent….
“Bless me Father for I have sinned.
It has been 3 months since my last confession.
In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred times, and played with a girl’s private parts.”
“Played with a girl’s private parts!” exclaimed the priest.
“Whoa, that’s pretty serious.
For your penance say three rosaries and wash your hands in holy water.”
So Johnny knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious incantations of the three rosaries.
Then he made the trek up to the holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers.
When the girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and says, “Move over, pal. I gotta gargle….”
A man is talking to his best friend
I smelled something funny
Johnny went to confession, at the beginning of Lent….
“Bless me Father for I have sinned.
It has been 3 months since my last confession.
In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred times, and played with a girl’s private parts.”
“Played with a girl’s private parts!” exclaimed the priest.
“Whoa, that’s pretty serious.
For your penance say three rosaries and wash your hands in holy water.”
So Johnny knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious incantations of the three rosaries.
Then he made the trek up to the holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers.
When the girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and says, “Move over, pal. I gotta gargle….”
A man is talking to his best friend
I smelled something funny
24.
An 82-year-old husband and 80-year wife went to breakfast at a restaurant,
Where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
‘Sounds good,’ the wife said.
‘But I don’t want the eggs.’ Said the old husband.
‘Then, I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.
‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ wife asked incredulously.
‘YES!’ stated the waitress.
‘I’ll take the special then,’ wife said…
‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.
‘Raw and in the shell,’ the wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
A couple is dressed and ready
A rich tycoon and his wife are having dinner
An 82-year-old husband and 80-year wife went to breakfast at a restaurant,
Where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
‘Sounds good,’ the wife said.
‘But I don’t want the eggs.’ Said the old husband.
‘Then, I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.
‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ wife asked incredulously.
‘YES!’ stated the waitress.
‘I’ll take the special then,’ wife said…
‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.
‘Raw and in the shell,’ the wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
A couple is dressed and ready
A rich tycoon and his wife are having dinner
25.
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.
Brunette: “Last night I had three peak in a row!”
Blonde: “That’s nothing; last night I had over a hundred.”
Brunette: “My god! I had no idea he was that good.”
Blonde: looking shocked “Oh, you mean with one person?”
Two hunters get up early one morning
A Irishman’s been at pub all night
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.
Brunette: “Last night I had three peak in a row!”
Blonde: “That’s nothing; last night I had over a hundred.”
Brunette: “My god! I had no idea he was that good.”
Blonde: looking shocked “Oh, you mean with one person?”
Two hunters get up early one morning
A Irishman’s been at pub all night
26.
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe the worms closely,” said the teacher putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the teacher asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
A man is sitting on a train
A small guy goes into an elevator
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe the worms closely,” said the teacher putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the teacher asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
A man is sitting on a train
A small guy goes into an elevator
27.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit $65 million.’
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Three young women are at a party
A hunter goes into the woods
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit $65 million.’
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Three young women are at a party
A hunter goes into the woods
28.
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.
After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight”, he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it – only to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”.
A wife found her husband standing
The old man says to the woman
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.
After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight”, he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it – only to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”.
A wife found her husband standing
The old man says to the woman
29.
A farmer decides its time to tell his son how he breeds the animals.
He explains about the cows and the bull, the mares and the stallion and the ewes and the ram.
But he also decides to tell his boy about their one lame pig.
‘Unfortunately she can’t walk far, so when she’s in heat I put her in the wheelbarrow and cart her down to my friend’s farm for some alone time with his boar’.
A few weeks go by, and the boy is looking out the window.
He says ‘dad, the pig is in heat’
The farmer peeps over his newspaper to look at his boy and says, ‘how can you possibly know that from just looking out the window’
‘Well’ says the boy, ‘she’s in the wheelbarrow.’
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss
A farmer decides its time to tell his son how he breeds the animals.
He explains about the cows and the bull, the mares and the stallion and the ewes and the ram.
But he also decides to tell his boy about their one lame pig.
‘Unfortunately she can’t walk far, so when she’s in heat I put her in the wheelbarrow and cart her down to my friend’s farm for some alone time with his boar’.
A few weeks go by, and the boy is looking out the window.
He says ‘dad, the pig is in heat’
The farmer peeps over his newspaper to look at his boy and says, ‘how can you possibly know that from just looking out the window’
‘Well’ says the boy, ‘she’s in the wheelbarrow.’
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss
30.
One day an elephant wandered into a forest in search of friends.
He saw a monkey on a tree.
“Will you be my friend?” asked the elephant.
Replied the monkey, “You are too big you can not swing from trees like me.”
Next, the elephant met a rabbit he asked him to be his friends.
But the rabbit said, “You are too big to play in my burrow!” Then the elephant met a frog.
“Will you be my friend? He asked.
“How can I?” asked the frog.
“You are too big to leap about like me.”
The elephant was upset.
He met a fox next.
“Will you be my friend?” he asked the fox.
The fox said, “Sorry, sir, you are too big.”
The next day, the elephant saw all the animals in the forest running for their lives.
The elephant asked them what the matter was.
The bear replied, “There is a tiger in the forest.
He’s trying to gobble us all up!”
The animals all ran away to hide.
The elephant wondered what he could do to save everyone in the forest.
Meanwhile, the tiger kept eating up whoever he could find.
The elephant walked up to the tiger and said, “Please, Mr Tiger, do not eat up these poor animals.”
“Mind your own business!” growled the tiger.
The elephant has a no choice but to give the tiger a hefty kick.
The frightened tiger ran for his life.
The elephant ambled back into the forest to announce the good news to everyone.
All the animals thanked the elephant.
They said, “You are just the right size to be our friend.”
The homeless man
The teacher decided to observe
One day an elephant wandered into a forest in search of friends.
He saw a monkey on a tree.
“Will you be my friend?” asked the elephant.
Replied the monkey, “You are too big you can not swing from trees like me.”
Next, the elephant met a rabbit he asked him to be his friends.
But the rabbit said, “You are too big to play in my burrow!” Then the elephant met a frog.
“Will you be my friend? He asked.
“How can I?” asked the frog.
“You are too big to leap about like me.”
The elephant was upset.
He met a fox next.
“Will you be my friend?” he asked the fox.
The fox said, “Sorry, sir, you are too big.”
The next day, the elephant saw all the animals in the forest running for their lives.
The elephant asked them what the matter was.
The bear replied, “There is a tiger in the forest.
He’s trying to gobble us all up!”
The animals all ran away to hide.
The elephant wondered what he could do to save everyone in the forest.
Meanwhile, the tiger kept eating up whoever he could find.
The elephant walked up to the tiger and said, “Please, Mr Tiger, do not eat up these poor animals.”
“Mind your own business!” growled the tiger.
The elephant has a no choice but to give the tiger a hefty kick.
The frightened tiger ran for his life.
The elephant ambled back into the forest to announce the good news to everyone.
All the animals thanked the elephant.
They said, “You are just the right size to be our friend.”
The homeless man
The teacher decided to observe
Tags:
Eng Jokes