1.
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won’t say what it is, so he asks Fr.Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious.
Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!” exclaimed Murphy “Oh my Lord,” says Farther Flanagan, “dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.
It’s a mir….Wait… it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle.
I’ll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he’ll have to deal with it.
He’ll send some people round; to interview you, take photos and a statement etc.”
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome Italy.
No expense is spared.
There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy’s kitchen, (quite outside the natural laws of the universe).
Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling it a miracle.
All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!”
A very large gorilla
Two men were marooned on an Island
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won’t say what it is, so he asks Fr.Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious.
Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!” exclaimed Murphy “Oh my Lord,” says Farther Flanagan, “dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.
It’s a mir….Wait… it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle.
I’ll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he’ll have to deal with it.
He’ll send some people round; to interview you, take photos and a statement etc.”
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome Italy.
No expense is spared.
There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy’s kitchen, (quite outside the natural laws of the universe).
Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling it a miracle.
All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!”
A very large gorilla
Two men were marooned on an Island
2.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
He entered their bedroom
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
He entered their bedroom
3.
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The boy is wearing a firefighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.
“That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration.
“Thanks,” says the little boy.
As the firefighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.
“Little partner,” the firefighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”
The little boy says, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”
A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman
Three ladies were on a flight
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The boy is wearing a firefighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.
“That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration.
“Thanks,” says the little boy.
As the firefighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.
“Little partner,” the firefighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”
The little boy says, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”
A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman
Three ladies were on a flight
4.
A young lady is buying a box of tampons in the store.
They are missing the UPC and won’t ring up.
The cashier asks his co-worker to go and check the price of Tampax.
Do you mean the kind you push in or the kind you hammer in?
Everyone including the cashier is shocked: What?
You said to check the price of thumb tacs.
I am asking whether you mean the kind of thumb tacs you push in or the kind you hammer in?
You should have seen the face of the young lady who wanted to buy these tampons.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory
A blonde woman walks into bank
A young lady is buying a box of tampons in the store.
They are missing the UPC and won’t ring up.
The cashier asks his co-worker to go and check the price of Tampax.
Do you mean the kind you push in or the kind you hammer in?
Everyone including the cashier is shocked: What?
You said to check the price of thumb tacs.
I am asking whether you mean the kind of thumb tacs you push in or the kind you hammer in?
You should have seen the face of the young lady who wanted to buy these tampons.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory
A blonde woman walks into bank
5.
A little old man told his wife, “I have to go to my doctor’s appointment now. I’ll see you later.”
After he left, his wife sat down on the couch and watched television.
A news report came on that someone was driving down the interstate highway in the wrong direction.
Knowing that was the route he would be on, she called to warn him,
“Honey, there’s a car going in the wrong direction!”
The husband replied, “They’re all going in the wrong direction!”
A angry wife was complaining about her husband
A husband and wife were dining at restaurant
A little old man told his wife, “I have to go to my doctor’s appointment now. I’ll see you later.”
After he left, his wife sat down on the couch and watched television.
A news report came on that someone was driving down the interstate highway in the wrong direction.
Knowing that was the route he would be on, she called to warn him,
“Honey, there’s a car going in the wrong direction!”
The husband replied, “They’re all going in the wrong direction!”
A angry wife was complaining about her husband
A husband and wife were dining at restaurant
6.
An old lady goes to her bank and presents a cheque for Rs 1000/- to the cashier, a young girl.
Cashier: lady, you should withdraw such small amounts from the ATM outside. Don’t waste a cheque leaf and my time.
Old lady: What’s the problem with giving me Rs 1000/- cash?
Cashier: Sorry lady, can’t be done. You either go to the ATM, or increase the amount to be withdrawn.
Old lady: Okay, I want to withdraw all money in my account, keeping a minimum mandatory balance.
The cashier checks her account balance and finds it to be over Rs 80 lakhs!
She says, “we don’t have that much cash in the safe right now. But if you give me a cheque for Rs 80 lakhs, we can arrange the cash tomorrow.”
Old lady: How much can you give me right now?
Cashier: checks the bank’s cash balance lady, I can give you Rs 10 lakhs straight away.
The old lady tears off the earlier cheque of Rs 1000/-, writes a new one for Rs 10 lakhs and hands it to the cashier.
While the young girl is gone to the vault to get the cash, the old lady grabs a cash deposit slip from the public shelf and fills it up.
The young girl returns with the cash, meticulously counts out Rs 10 lakhs, gives it to the old lady and says,
“there you are, lady. Now you will have to carry this pile home on your own. But count your money before leaving the counter. I won’t entertain any complaint later.”
The old lady picks out two notes of Rs 500/- from the pile, puts them in her purse and says,
“I trust you, I don’t need to count. Now, here’s a cash deposit slip. Please deposit Rs 9,99,000/- into my account and give me the stamped and signed counterfoil. And yes, count the cash in my presence.”
Two elderly ladies had been friends
A grandma was cleaning her attic with her cat
An old lady goes to her bank and presents a cheque for Rs 1000/- to the cashier, a young girl.
Cashier: lady, you should withdraw such small amounts from the ATM outside. Don’t waste a cheque leaf and my time.
Old lady: What’s the problem with giving me Rs 1000/- cash?
Cashier: Sorry lady, can’t be done. You either go to the ATM, or increase the amount to be withdrawn.
Old lady: Okay, I want to withdraw all money in my account, keeping a minimum mandatory balance.
The cashier checks her account balance and finds it to be over Rs 80 lakhs!
She says, “we don’t have that much cash in the safe right now. But if you give me a cheque for Rs 80 lakhs, we can arrange the cash tomorrow.”
Old lady: How much can you give me right now?
Cashier: checks the bank’s cash balance lady, I can give you Rs 10 lakhs straight away.
The old lady tears off the earlier cheque of Rs 1000/-, writes a new one for Rs 10 lakhs and hands it to the cashier.
While the young girl is gone to the vault to get the cash, the old lady grabs a cash deposit slip from the public shelf and fills it up.
The young girl returns with the cash, meticulously counts out Rs 10 lakhs, gives it to the old lady and says,
“there you are, lady. Now you will have to carry this pile home on your own. But count your money before leaving the counter. I won’t entertain any complaint later.”
The old lady picks out two notes of Rs 500/- from the pile, puts them in her purse and says,
“I trust you, I don’t need to count. Now, here’s a cash deposit slip. Please deposit Rs 9,99,000/- into my account and give me the stamped and signed counterfoil. And yes, count the cash in my presence.”
Two elderly ladies had been friends
A grandma was cleaning her attic with her cat
7.
Teacher: Kids, what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now, what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: Homework!
A Irishman was walking home
Two children Johnny and Alex were sitting
Teacher: Kids, what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now, what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: Homework!
A Irishman was walking home
Two children Johnny and Alex were sitting
8.
The leader of the captors said, “We’re going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn but first, you each can make a final wish.”
The Englishman responds, “I’d like to hear “God Save The Queen” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir with Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.”
The Irishman replies, “I’d like to hear “Danny Boy” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell, with River-dance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.”
The Welshman answers, “I’d like to hear “Men Of Harlech” just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.”
The Scotsman says quickly, “I’d like to be shot first.”
A Irishman was drinking in a bar
It is with great regret and sorrow
The leader of the captors said, “We’re going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn but first, you each can make a final wish.”
The Englishman responds, “I’d like to hear “God Save The Queen” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir with Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.”
The Irishman replies, “I’d like to hear “Danny Boy” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell, with River-dance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.”
The Welshman answers, “I’d like to hear “Men Of Harlech” just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.”
The Scotsman says quickly, “I’d like to be shot first.”
A Irishman was drinking in a bar
It is with great regret and sorrow
9.
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching and Little Johnny was anxious to receive and give Valentine cards during his classroom party,..
Mainly because there were two girls he was particularly very fond of.
The rest of his class received the usual “store bought” cheap Valentines that read cutesy “Be Mines”,..
But he took special care and time in hand-making two special cards for these two sweethearts in his life.
The first read:
Roses are Red, Pickles are Green,
I love your legs and what’s in between.
I like your style, I like your class,
But most of all I love your a*s.
And to the other girl he wrote:
Roses are Stupid, Violets are Silly!
Bend over Babe ’cause here comes my Willy!
Coming into the bar and ordering
A minister gave a talk to the community center
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching and Little Johnny was anxious to receive and give Valentine cards during his classroom party,..
Mainly because there were two girls he was particularly very fond of.
The rest of his class received the usual “store bought” cheap Valentines that read cutesy “Be Mines”,..
But he took special care and time in hand-making two special cards for these two sweethearts in his life.
The first read:
Roses are Red, Pickles are Green,
I love your legs and what’s in between.
I like your style, I like your class,
But most of all I love your a*s.
And to the other girl he wrote:
Roses are Stupid, Violets are Silly!
Bend over Babe ’cause here comes my Willy!
Coming into the bar and ordering
A minister gave a talk to the community center
10.
A woman is alone at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, “Do you have a private part?” She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question:
“Do you have a private part?” She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again”.
The next morning they hear a knock, and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, “Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it”.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. “Do you have a private part?”
“Yes,” she says.
The man replies, “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?”
Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat
A guy walks into a bar and orders
A woman is alone at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, “Do you have a private part?” She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question:
“Do you have a private part?” She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again”.
The next morning they hear a knock, and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, “Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it”.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. “Do you have a private part?”
“Yes,” she says.
The man replies, “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?”
Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat
A guy walks into a bar and orders
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11.
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.
The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.
He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.
The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby,
thus reducing her own.
The man quickly agreed.
The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.
The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man.
The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more.
The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten.
The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.
The couple took the new baby home.
There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.
This woman’s husband had been slipping
Three guys are sitting around the campfire
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.
The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.
He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.
The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby,
thus reducing her own.
The man quickly agreed.
The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.
The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man.
The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more.
The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten.
The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.
The couple took the new baby home.
There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.
This woman’s husband had been slipping
Three guys are sitting around the campfire
12.
An old lady dies and goes to Heaven.
She is overjoyed as she was a devoted Catholic and going to Heaven was her life’s dream.
Once there she is firstly greeted by God and
then she sets off to explore the Heaven which is to be honest, based on how people are, quiet empty think tumbleweeds in the prairie.
When the old lady gets hungry she finds God and asks where can she get some food.
God takes her to a table where she finds bread, peanut butter, jelly and a toaster.
So God and the old lady sit and eat PBJ sandwiches.
As she looks down, past the edge of the Heaven, she sees that below in Hell they have a massive feast with many different barbecue meats on the table. Nevertheless she is glad to be in Heaven and doesn’t say anything and finishes her PBJ.
Next time she gets hungry a similar thing happens; God invites her in, this time for butter and honey on toast, and as she looks down she sees those in hell having a seafood feast with fish, scampi, prawns, oysters etc.
Nevertheless she is just glad to be in Heaven and keeps her thoughts to herself.
However, when a similar thing happens the third time she simply cannot keep quiet anymore and says to God: “I don’t want to be ungrateful and I’m very thankful to be in Heaven, but why are we here having toast, while in Hell they have a different feast every time I look down??”
“Well,” says God, “it’s not really worth the time to cook just for two.”
A little girl received a tea
A guy and a girl met at a bar
An old lady dies and goes to Heaven.
She is overjoyed as she was a devoted Catholic and going to Heaven was her life’s dream.
Once there she is firstly greeted by God and
then she sets off to explore the Heaven which is to be honest, based on how people are, quiet empty think tumbleweeds in the prairie.
When the old lady gets hungry she finds God and asks where can she get some food.
God takes her to a table where she finds bread, peanut butter, jelly and a toaster.
So God and the old lady sit and eat PBJ sandwiches.
As she looks down, past the edge of the Heaven, she sees that below in Hell they have a massive feast with many different barbecue meats on the table. Nevertheless she is glad to be in Heaven and doesn’t say anything and finishes her PBJ.
Next time she gets hungry a similar thing happens; God invites her in, this time for butter and honey on toast, and as she looks down she sees those in hell having a seafood feast with fish, scampi, prawns, oysters etc.
Nevertheless she is just glad to be in Heaven and keeps her thoughts to herself.
However, when a similar thing happens the third time she simply cannot keep quiet anymore and says to God: “I don’t want to be ungrateful and I’m very thankful to be in Heaven, but why are we here having toast, while in Hell they have a different feast every time I look down??”
“Well,” says God, “it’s not really worth the time to cook just for two.”
A little girl received a tea
A guy and a girl met at a bar
13.
An elderly couple were sitting together watching television.
During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, “Whatever happened to our make love relations?”
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial,
“You know, I don’t know. I don’t even think we got a Christmas card from them this year.”
A married couple is sleeping
A little boy said Grandpa
An elderly couple were sitting together watching television.
During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, “Whatever happened to our make love relations?”
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial,
“You know, I don’t know. I don’t even think we got a Christmas card from them this year.”
A married couple is sleeping
A little boy said Grandpa
14.
An elderly carpenter was ready to retire.
He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business to live a more leisurely life with his wife and enjoy his extended family.
He would miss the paycheck each week, but he wanted to retire they could get by.
The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go & asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor.
The carpenter said yes, but over time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work.
He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials.
It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.
When the carpenter finished his work, his employer came to inspect the house.
Then he handed the front-door key to the carpenter and said, “This is your house… my gift to you.”
The carpenter was shocked!
What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.
So it is with us we build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building.
Then, with a shock, we realize we have to live in the house we have built If we could do it over, we would do it much differently.
But, you cannot go back you are the carpenter, and every day you hammer a nail, place a board, or self practice a wall.
Someone once said, “Life is a do-it-yourself project.”
Your attitude, and the choices you make today, help build the “house” you will live in tomorrow.
Therefore, Build wisely!
At deer camp
A pupil was caught stealing
An elderly carpenter was ready to retire.
He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business to live a more leisurely life with his wife and enjoy his extended family.
He would miss the paycheck each week, but he wanted to retire they could get by.
The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go & asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor.
The carpenter said yes, but over time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work.
He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials.
It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.
When the carpenter finished his work, his employer came to inspect the house.
Then he handed the front-door key to the carpenter and said, “This is your house… my gift to you.”
The carpenter was shocked!
What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.
So it is with us we build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building.
Then, with a shock, we realize we have to live in the house we have built If we could do it over, we would do it much differently.
But, you cannot go back you are the carpenter, and every day you hammer a nail, place a board, or self practice a wall.
Someone once said, “Life is a do-it-yourself project.”
Your attitude, and the choices you make today, help build the “house” you will live in tomorrow.
Therefore, Build wisely!
At deer camp
A pupil was caught stealing
15.
A man walks into the front door of a bar, he is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off of the stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the same bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely-but more firmly, refuses to serve the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar.
He plops himself down on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will not be served a drink, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries, “MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?”
A carpenter went home
The Beggar & The Guru
A man walks into the front door of a bar, he is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off of the stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the same bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely-but more firmly, refuses to serve the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar.
He plops himself down on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will not be served a drink, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries, “MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?”
A carpenter went home
The Beggar & The Guru
16.
At an airline ticket counter, all of the ticket agents were doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as they could.
A man at the end of the passenger line was impatient and frustrated at having to wait so long in the slow-moving line.
He finally decided to march up to the counter to demand that he be given his boarding pass.
The ticket agent turned, and said, “Sir, as you can see, there are many passengers ahead of you we are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we can I’m afraid you’ll have to get back in line.”
Outraged and red in the face, the man yelled at the ticket agent, “Do you know who I am??!!”
The ticket agent turned, picked up the public address system microphone and said calmly, “There is a man at the ticket counter, who does not know who he is anyone who may be able to identify this man is asked to please step forward and identify him Thank you.”
Mike was driving home
A photographer
At an airline ticket counter, all of the ticket agents were doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as they could.
A man at the end of the passenger line was impatient and frustrated at having to wait so long in the slow-moving line.
He finally decided to march up to the counter to demand that he be given his boarding pass.
The ticket agent turned, and said, “Sir, as you can see, there are many passengers ahead of you we are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we can I’m afraid you’ll have to get back in line.”
Outraged and red in the face, the man yelled at the ticket agent, “Do you know who I am??!!”
The ticket agent turned, picked up the public address system microphone and said calmly, “There is a man at the ticket counter, who does not know who he is anyone who may be able to identify this man is asked to please step forward and identify him Thank you.”
Mike was driving home
A photographer
17.
An old lady comes in for her medical check-up:
“Doctor Ribbit, you remember how you warned me that I should avoid going up and down stairs as much as I can?”
“Yes,” agrees the doctor,
“the last X-rays made that very clear Mrs. Jenkins.”
“You know, I’m not sure it was such a great idea doctor… I have to say all that climbing up and down the rainwater down pipe is becoming quite hard!”
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
A man is playing with a stray dog
An old lady comes in for her medical check-up:
“Doctor Ribbit, you remember how you warned me that I should avoid going up and down stairs as much as I can?”
“Yes,” agrees the doctor,
“the last X-rays made that very clear Mrs. Jenkins.”
“You know, I’m not sure it was such a great idea doctor… I have to say all that climbing up and down the rainwater down pipe is becoming quite hard!”
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
A man is playing with a stray dog
18.
Wife sent a message to her husband: Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from office, and says hi to you.
Husband: Who is Rita?
Wife: Nothing, I was just making sure that you read my message or not
Twist in the tale…..
Husband: But I’m with Lisa, which Lisa are you talking about?
Wife: where are you….?
Husband: near vegetable market.
Wife: wait I will come there.
After 10 minutes she texts her husband “where are you”?
Husband: “I m at office, now buy whatever vegetables you need.”
She was going around in turn asking
A man and his wife are traveling
Wife sent a message to her husband: Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from office, and says hi to you.
Husband: Who is Rita?
Wife: Nothing, I was just making sure that you read my message or not
Twist in the tale…..
Husband: But I’m with Lisa, which Lisa are you talking about?
Wife: where are you….?
Husband: near vegetable market.
Wife: wait I will come there.
After 10 minutes she texts her husband “where are you”?
Husband: “I m at office, now buy whatever vegetables you need.”
She was going around in turn asking
A man and his wife are traveling
19.
A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?”
Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?”
Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”
“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs.”
She looked at him with confusion.
“Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?”
“Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’ If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room
A man and his wife are travelling through
A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?”
Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?”
Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”
“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs.”
She looked at him with confusion.
“Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?”
“Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’ If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room
A man and his wife are travelling through
20.
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall that says, “$500 if we fail to fill your order.”
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye.
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen
Almost immediately he hears an explosion of voices.
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the customer’s table
He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man.
“You got me this time, buddy,” he says, “but I want you to know this — that’s the first time in 10 years we’ve been out of rye bread.”
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math
Suddenly Satan appeared
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall that says, “$500 if we fail to fill your order.”
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye.
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen
Almost immediately he hears an explosion of voices.
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the customer’s table
He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man.
“You got me this time, buddy,” he says, “but I want you to know this — that’s the first time in 10 years we’ve been out of rye bread.”
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math
Suddenly Satan appeared
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21.
A Texas State trooper pulled a car over about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a charity show.
He didn’t want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken boy got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”
An elderly man and his wife
A rather virtuous young couple marry
A Texas State trooper pulled a car over about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a charity show.
He didn’t want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken boy got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”
An elderly man and his wife
A rather virtuous young couple marry
22.
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
A waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair then sliding a little more until he was almost under the table.
The baffling thing was that the woman with him stared straight ahead and didn’t seem to notice!
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight underneath the table.
Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and concerned that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman:
“Pardon me, ma’am. But I think your husband just slid under the table.”
The wife has just taken a shower
A husband and wife were walking down
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
A waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair then sliding a little more until he was almost under the table.
The baffling thing was that the woman with him stared straight ahead and didn’t seem to notice!
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight underneath the table.
Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and concerned that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman:
“Pardon me, ma’am. But I think your husband just slid under the table.”
The wife has just taken a shower
A husband and wife were walking down
23.
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.”
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that Ask me again some other time.”
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I’ll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!”
Fred and Mary got married
Two women go out one night
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.”
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that Ask me again some other time.”
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I’ll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!”
Fred and Mary got married
Two women go out one night
24.
A Londoner meets a stereotypical American redneck
The redneck tells him: “Why don’t y’all like guns? They’re completely safe!
See, I have mine in my safe next to my bed,
I know the passcode so well I can take my gun and kill any intruder in half a second!”
The Londoner replies: “Really? Is it truly that safe?”
The redneck replies: “Sure! I’ll give you as much time as you want to crack the safe!
If you do it, I’ll give you some of that tea stuff y’all seem to like!”
The Londoner, excited by this offer agrees, after a few seconds the Londoner already cracked the safe.
The redneck, comes out in anger and yells: “How the hell did you find the passcode so quickly?
Are you a bank robber?”
“No.” Replies the Londoner:
“I’m a historian, and I just guessed correctly that your passcode, is 1776.”
A guy is eating breakfast with his wife
I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day
A Londoner meets a stereotypical American redneck
The redneck tells him: “Why don’t y’all like guns? They’re completely safe!
See, I have mine in my safe next to my bed,
I know the passcode so well I can take my gun and kill any intruder in half a second!”
The Londoner replies: “Really? Is it truly that safe?”
The redneck replies: “Sure! I’ll give you as much time as you want to crack the safe!
If you do it, I’ll give you some of that tea stuff y’all seem to like!”
The Londoner, excited by this offer agrees, after a few seconds the Londoner already cracked the safe.
The redneck, comes out in anger and yells: “How the hell did you find the passcode so quickly?
Are you a bank robber?”
“No.” Replies the Londoner:
“I’m a historian, and I just guessed correctly that your passcode, is 1776.”
A guy is eating breakfast with his wife
I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day
25.
My general was making so damn angry by giving me extra work.
So i started thinking of a way to get back at him. So i went around to all the people thank were a higher rank than me and asked them to follow me and if they would sign my release papers.
They all said hell no because i was only in the army for a year.
And so i went up to the general and asked him to follow me. He did and i led him around all of the officers.
They all glared at him, and were writing things down.
And thats how i got a different general, but not out of the army.
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls
My general was making so damn angry by giving me extra work.
So i started thinking of a way to get back at him. So i went around to all the people thank were a higher rank than me and asked them to follow me and if they would sign my release papers.
They all said hell no because i was only in the army for a year.
And so i went up to the general and asked him to follow me. He did and i led him around all of the officers.
They all glared at him, and were writing things down.
And thats how i got a different general, but not out of the army.
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls
26.
There was this boy called James that came from a very poor family and as such, he never wanted to go into debt of any kind.
He was that back of the class, noisy kid who wasn’t very smart One morning, this conversation ensued between James and his math teacher.
Math Teacher: Today we will be talking on quadratic equations.
Who can tell me what quad- James!! Its been only 3 minutes in class and you are already distracted, be quiet.
James: Sorry sir it won’t happen again.
Math Teacher: It better not.
So class, a quadratic equation is any equation that…
*Class becomes silent but the voice of James*
James: … and then batman threw the ice batarang but he missed and it hit Robin.
Batman became angrier an-…
Math Teacher: James shut up and pay attention. So as i was saying,…
*James starts to leave the class* Math Teacher: And where do you think you’r going
James: Sir, permit me to leave the class because I currently have no money to pay attention.
A couple of years ago, one night
A man is talking to a local at the pub
There was this boy called James that came from a very poor family and as such, he never wanted to go into debt of any kind.
He was that back of the class, noisy kid who wasn’t very smart One morning, this conversation ensued between James and his math teacher.
Math Teacher: Today we will be talking on quadratic equations.
Who can tell me what quad- James!! Its been only 3 minutes in class and you are already distracted, be quiet.
James: Sorry sir it won’t happen again.
Math Teacher: It better not.
So class, a quadratic equation is any equation that…
*Class becomes silent but the voice of James*
James: … and then batman threw the ice batarang but he missed and it hit Robin.
Batman became angrier an-…
Math Teacher: James shut up and pay attention. So as i was saying,…
*James starts to leave the class* Math Teacher: And where do you think you’r going
James: Sir, permit me to leave the class because I currently have no money to pay attention.
A couple of years ago, one night
A man is talking to a local at the pub
27.
A girl goes into her father’s study, “Daddy, why am I named rose?”
“Because the day you were born a rose petal blew through the window and landed on your cheek.”
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. “Daddy, why am I named Lily?”
“Because the day you were born a lily petal blew through the window and landed on your cheek.”
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. “Daddy, why am I named Daisy?”
“Because the day you were–“
“HUAAAARWAWAWAAAAAA”
“SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK I’M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER.”
A elderly couple are walking down a country road
3 nuns go to mother superior and say
A girl goes into her father’s study, “Daddy, why am I named rose?”
“Because the day you were born a rose petal blew through the window and landed on your cheek.”
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. “Daddy, why am I named Lily?”
“Because the day you were born a lily petal blew through the window and landed on your cheek.”
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. “Daddy, why am I named Daisy?”
“Because the day you were–“
“HUAAAARWAWAWAAAAAA”
“SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK I’M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER.”
A elderly couple are walking down a country road
3 nuns go to mother superior and say
28.
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner having a bite to eat.
After the meal they start to discuss their plans to expand the family moonshine business.
All of a sudden, the woman on the table next to theirs starts to cough.
It’s going on for a while, so Billy-Bob walks over and asks ‘kin ye swalla..?’
the woman shakes her head..
‘Kin ye breeve?’
as she turns a shade of blue, the woman shakes her head again
Without a seconds thought Billy-Bob lifts her dress, pulls her p**ties down and gives a long wet lick to her right b*m cheek.
So shocked by this the woman’s body shuddered with disgust and the blockage cleared with a jolt.
Billy-bob walks back to his table, Billy-Ray turns in amazement… ‘I done did hear about that Hind Lick Maneuver, but i didn’t see it be done before!’
A plane crashes
A woman was having a daytime affair
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner having a bite to eat.
After the meal they start to discuss their plans to expand the family moonshine business.
All of a sudden, the woman on the table next to theirs starts to cough.
It’s going on for a while, so Billy-Bob walks over and asks ‘kin ye swalla..?’
the woman shakes her head..
‘Kin ye breeve?’
as she turns a shade of blue, the woman shakes her head again
Without a seconds thought Billy-Bob lifts her dress, pulls her p**ties down and gives a long wet lick to her right b*m cheek.
So shocked by this the woman’s body shuddered with disgust and the blockage cleared with a jolt.
Billy-bob walks back to his table, Billy-Ray turns in amazement… ‘I done did hear about that Hind Lick Maneuver, but i didn’t see it be done before!’
A plane crashes
A woman was having a daytime affair
29.
Reporter: “Excuse me, may I interview you?”
Man: “Yes!” Reporter: “Name?” Man: “Abdul Al-Rhazim.”
Reporter: “make love?”
Man: “Three to five times a week.”
Reporter: “No no! I mean male or female?”
Man: “Yes, male, female… sometimes camel.”
Reporter: “Holy cow!”
Man: “Yes, cow, sheep… animals in general.”
Reporter: “But isn’t that hostile?”
Man: “Yes, horse style, dog style, any style.”
Reporter: “Oh dear!”
Man: “No, no deer. Deer run too fast.
Hard to catch.
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad
What bird can do more that others
Reporter: “Excuse me, may I interview you?”
Man: “Yes!” Reporter: “Name?” Man: “Abdul Al-Rhazim.”
Reporter: “make love?”
Man: “Three to five times a week.”
Reporter: “No no! I mean male or female?”
Man: “Yes, male, female… sometimes camel.”
Reporter: “Holy cow!”
Man: “Yes, cow, sheep… animals in general.”
Reporter: “But isn’t that hostile?”
Man: “Yes, horse style, dog style, any style.”
Reporter: “Oh dear!”
Man: “No, no deer. Deer run too fast.
Hard to catch.
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad
What bird can do more that others
30.
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel.
She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.
She says, “Excuse me sir… can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He says , “Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.”
She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line… It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00.”
She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it.”
He walks behind the counter to the register.
And in the meantime the woman farts.
At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her… being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, “That will be $25.50.”
She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20.00?”
He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!”
A pregnant woman walking across the street
A woman had twin boys
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel.
She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.
She says, “Excuse me sir… can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He says , “Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.”
She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line… It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00.”
She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it.”
He walks behind the counter to the register.
And in the meantime the woman farts.
At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her… being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, “That will be $25.50.”
She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20.00?”
He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!”
A pregnant woman walking across the street
A woman had twin boys
Tags:
Eng Jokes