1.
A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time.
He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:
1) A certifiable medical excuse.
2) A death in the student’s immediate family.
The class smart alack (believe me, there’s always at least one in every class!) raised his hand and asked,
“What about extreme bang exhaustion?”
As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.
After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glare and said,
“Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand.
An old lady on the bus
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time.
He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:
1) A certifiable medical excuse.
2) A death in the student’s immediate family.
The class smart alack (believe me, there’s always at least one in every class!) raised his hand and asked,
“What about extreme bang exhaustion?”
As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.
After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glare and said,
“Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand.
An old lady on the bus
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
2.
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”
The Wife Calls Her Scientist Husband
Sandra and her husband Jim
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”
The Wife Calls Her Scientist Husband
Sandra and her husband Jim
3.
An elderly, faithful man died and went to heaven.
When he arrived, God said, “Welcome John! You’re wife has been waiting for you!”
Bursting in tears of joy, John started to run around, looking for her frantically.
God said, “Not so fast! We have a little gift for you!”
John inquired, “What is it?”
God said, “Turn around.”
Behind John was a hot, gleaming Lamborghini! John exclaimed, “Is this for me?”
God said, “Of course it is! It’s a gift for how faithful you were to your wife!
The more faithful you are to your partner, the better car you get!”
John said, “Thanks so much! I’m going to go look for her! Thanks again!”
John searches for hours and hours, but still couldn’t find her, so he decided to sleep on it and try again tomorrow.
John was driving around the next day, and saw a woman that looked a lot similar to his wife.
In fact, it was! But instead of running up to her, he started crying and drove away to God.
When John approached God, God asked, “Why are you crying? Didn’t you see your wife?”
John replied, “She was on a skateboard…”
Husband Scolds His Wife For Forgetting
Good Old Days
An elderly, faithful man died and went to heaven.
When he arrived, God said, “Welcome John! You’re wife has been waiting for you!”
Bursting in tears of joy, John started to run around, looking for her frantically.
God said, “Not so fast! We have a little gift for you!”
John inquired, “What is it?”
God said, “Turn around.”
Behind John was a hot, gleaming Lamborghini! John exclaimed, “Is this for me?”
God said, “Of course it is! It’s a gift for how faithful you were to your wife!
The more faithful you are to your partner, the better car you get!”
John said, “Thanks so much! I’m going to go look for her! Thanks again!”
John searches for hours and hours, but still couldn’t find her, so he decided to sleep on it and try again tomorrow.
John was driving around the next day, and saw a woman that looked a lot similar to his wife.
In fact, it was! But instead of running up to her, he started crying and drove away to God.
When John approached God, God asked, “Why are you crying? Didn’t you see your wife?”
John replied, “She was on a skateboard…”
Husband Scolds His Wife For Forgetting
Good Old Days
4.
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, “Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?”
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
“Well, good morning. So, you actually think you’re a moron?” the professor asked.
The kid replied, “No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”
A guy walked into a doctor office
A man walks into a hamburger shop
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, “Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?”
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
“Well, good morning. So, you actually think you’re a moron?” the professor asked.
The kid replied, “No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”
A guy walked into a doctor office
A man walks into a hamburger shop
5.
A man named Marty called his son.
“Harry I have news to tell you, I know it’s going to upset you but I have made up my mind and there is nothing you can do about it. I have decided to divorce your mother.”
“But dad how can that be the son asked you have been married for 40 years, and you always seemed to get along? What happened suddenly?”
“Son, I have made up my mind, and I don’t want you to try to convince me out of it.”
“OK” the son responded but promise me you won’t do anything until I come and talk to you in person, and I am going to ask all of the siblings to fly in also.
“Alright” said the father hanging up you have my word.
“Well” said Marty, turning to his wife “I got them all to come in and I didn’t even have to pay for the tickets.”
Dave took Mary out for dinner
Little Bob went with his mom to church
A man named Marty called his son.
“Harry I have news to tell you, I know it’s going to upset you but I have made up my mind and there is nothing you can do about it. I have decided to divorce your mother.”
“But dad how can that be the son asked you have been married for 40 years, and you always seemed to get along? What happened suddenly?”
“Son, I have made up my mind, and I don’t want you to try to convince me out of it.”
“OK” the son responded but promise me you won’t do anything until I come and talk to you in person, and I am going to ask all of the siblings to fly in also.
“Alright” said the father hanging up you have my word.
“Well” said Marty, turning to his wife “I got them all to come in and I didn’t even have to pay for the tickets.”
Dave took Mary out for dinner
Little Bob went with his mom to church
6.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
“Tim, you be first,” she said.
“What does your mother do all day?”
Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”
“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher.
“What about your father, Billy?”
Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks.”
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell.
Billy’s father answered the door.
The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”
A man phones home from his office
Three women are talking about
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
“Tim, you be first,” she said.
“What does your mother do all day?”
Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”
“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher.
“What about your father, Billy?”
Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks.”
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell.
Billy’s father answered the door.
The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”
A man phones home from his office
Three women are talking about
7.
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”
The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!”
The third lady smiles smugly.
“Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood.”
She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?!”
A guy is riding the bus
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”
The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!”
The third lady smiles smugly.
“Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood.”
She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?!”
A guy is riding the bus
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish
8.
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
“Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”
The employee leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
“Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”
The employee leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns
9.
Two women are walking home from the bar when they both feel the need to pee, so they slip into a nearby cemetery.
One of them uses her underwear to wipe, while the other grabs a wreath off a headstone.
The next evening, the husbands meet at the bar.
One looks at the other and says, “I think I need to keep an eye on my wife—she came home without her underwear last night.”
The other husband responds, “Well, mine came home with a card wedged in her bum that said, ‘You were loved and will be missed by the entire fire department.’”
Three guys go to a ski lodge
A watermelon farmer was determined
Two women are walking home from the bar when they both feel the need to pee, so they slip into a nearby cemetery.
One of them uses her underwear to wipe, while the other grabs a wreath off a headstone.
The next evening, the husbands meet at the bar.
One looks at the other and says, “I think I need to keep an eye on my wife—she came home without her underwear last night.”
The other husband responds, “Well, mine came home with a card wedged in her bum that said, ‘You were loved and will be missed by the entire fire department.’”
Three guys go to a ski lodge
A watermelon farmer was determined
10.
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor’s, the man lifts his wife’s coat to show their predicament.
The man asks, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?”
“Well, yes,” the doctor replies,
“but not framed like that.”
Little Mary was not the best student
A junior manager a senior manager and their boss
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor’s, the man lifts his wife’s coat to show their predicament.
The man asks, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?”
“Well, yes,” the doctor replies,
“but not framed like that.”
Little Mary was not the best student
A junior manager a senior manager and their boss
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11.
who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.”
So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?”
“No,” replies the doctor, “take one on Monday, skip Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip Thursday and go on like that.”
Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.
“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy, “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
Two men were sitting in a pub drinking
A old Italian man goes to church for confession
who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.”
So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?”
“No,” replies the doctor, “take one on Monday, skip Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip Thursday and go on like that.”
Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.
“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy, “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
Two men were sitting in a pub drinking
A old Italian man goes to church for confession
12.
A blonde was driving down the road and she looks up and she sees a tree so she swerves to the left.
The tree is still front of her so she swerves to the right, this time her car rolls into the ditch.
When the Police Officer came to the scene of the accident the blonde told the Police Officer about the tree that was in front of her.
The officer kindly explained that the tree was the green air freshener hanging off her rear view mirror.
A man hasn’t been feeling well
A Father is asked by his friend
A blonde was driving down the road and she looks up and she sees a tree so she swerves to the left.
The tree is still front of her so she swerves to the right, this time her car rolls into the ditch.
When the Police Officer came to the scene of the accident the blonde told the Police Officer about the tree that was in front of her.
The officer kindly explained that the tree was the green air freshener hanging off her rear view mirror.
A man hasn’t been feeling well
A Father is asked by his friend
13.
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go to a construction site and apply.
The foreman is an older English fellow who doesn’t care for Irishmen, thinks they’re drunks and dumb and unreliable.
But he knows he can’t just come out and say that.
So, the foreman says, “Now, see here chap!
This operation is not in the habit of hiring just any old sod who applies, you have to show me you have some builder experience and knowledge.
I’ll hire you if you can answer some questions.”
The Irishman says, “Deadly! I been a builder for donkey’s years, Holy joe.
let’s have it, then, i’ll show you i’m not a dosser!”
The foreman thinks to himself, “Righto, this geezer’s a lota wind. let’s send him packing”.
So he asks:
“Alright, what’s the difference between a Girder and a Joist?”
The irishman thinks for a few seconds and grumbles a bit.
He pauses long enough for the Englishman to get a bit of a smirk on his face (as English are wont to do).
Finally, he takes a breath, taste it in his gut, and stands a little straighter to answer:
“One wrote Faust, the other wrote Finnegan’s Wake
A man came home from work
My general was making so damn angry
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go to a construction site and apply.
The foreman is an older English fellow who doesn’t care for Irishmen, thinks they’re drunks and dumb and unreliable.
But he knows he can’t just come out and say that.
So, the foreman says, “Now, see here chap!
This operation is not in the habit of hiring just any old sod who applies, you have to show me you have some builder experience and knowledge.
I’ll hire you if you can answer some questions.”
The Irishman says, “Deadly! I been a builder for donkey’s years, Holy joe.
let’s have it, then, i’ll show you i’m not a dosser!”
The foreman thinks to himself, “Righto, this geezer’s a lota wind. let’s send him packing”.
So he asks:
“Alright, what’s the difference between a Girder and a Joist?”
The irishman thinks for a few seconds and grumbles a bit.
He pauses long enough for the Englishman to get a bit of a smirk on his face (as English are wont to do).
Finally, he takes a breath, taste it in his gut, and stands a little straighter to answer:
“One wrote Faust, the other wrote Finnegan’s Wake
A man came home from work
My general was making so damn angry
14.
A guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”
The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find.
The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge mickey, the doctor says that’s the problem right there!
That weapon is so big it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing the stutter, we have several smaller transplants we can choose from and remove the big one.
So the guy agrees and has the surgery, a month later he goes back to see the doctor and says, “hey doc I can speak fantastically with no stutter, but my wife isn’t satisfied so I need my old roger back.”
The doctor says, “ffffVck yyyou.”
Johnny and Susie were playing
The nurse asks him
A guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”
The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find.
The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge mickey, the doctor says that’s the problem right there!
That weapon is so big it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing the stutter, we have several smaller transplants we can choose from and remove the big one.
So the guy agrees and has the surgery, a month later he goes back to see the doctor and says, “hey doc I can speak fantastically with no stutter, but my wife isn’t satisfied so I need my old roger back.”
The doctor says, “ffffVck yyyou.”
Johnny and Susie were playing
The nurse asks him
15.
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”
A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.’”
The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad!
Now pass the bang potatoes!”
One drunk says to the other
Three guys go to a ski lodge
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”
A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.’”
The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad!
Now pass the bang potatoes!”
One drunk says to the other
Three guys go to a ski lodge
16.
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer’s daughter asked her father, “Who is that man going into the barn?”
“That fellow is travelling through,” said the farmer.
“Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.”
The daughter said, “Perhaps he is hungry.”
So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned.
Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair.
Straight up to bed she went. The farmer’s wife was very observant.
She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty.
So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour.
She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.
“How could he leave without even saying goodbye,” she cried.
“We made such passionate love last night!”
“What?” shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, “I’m going to get you!
You had make love with my daughter!”
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out… “LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!
A doctor drives by a small town
A guy comes home from work
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer’s daughter asked her father, “Who is that man going into the barn?”
“That fellow is travelling through,” said the farmer.
“Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.”
The daughter said, “Perhaps he is hungry.”
So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned.
Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair.
Straight up to bed she went. The farmer’s wife was very observant.
She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty.
So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour.
She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.
“How could he leave without even saying goodbye,” she cried.
“We made such passionate love last night!”
“What?” shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, “I’m going to get you!
You had make love with my daughter!”
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out… “LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!
A doctor drives by a small town
A guy comes home from work
17.
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush.
They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely undressed.
They call the police and as they wait, they decide to cover the woman up.
The Cubs fan takes of his hat and covers her left fronts.
The Royals fan takes off his hat and covers her right fronts.
The Yankees fan takes off his hat and covers her crotch.
The police arrive.
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Cubs hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Royals hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He the lifts the Yankees hat, looks underneath, starts to set it back down, stops, does a double-take, sets the hat back down slowly and starts to write in the little book.
The Yankees fan is upset by this. He asks, “What was that? Haven’t you seen one of those before?”
The detective replies, “You misunderstand. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat,
The pilot announced
He knocked on the door of one house
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush.
They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely undressed.
They call the police and as they wait, they decide to cover the woman up.
The Cubs fan takes of his hat and covers her left fronts.
The Royals fan takes off his hat and covers her right fronts.
The Yankees fan takes off his hat and covers her crotch.
The police arrive.
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Cubs hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Royals hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He the lifts the Yankees hat, looks underneath, starts to set it back down, stops, does a double-take, sets the hat back down slowly and starts to write in the little book.
The Yankees fan is upset by this. He asks, “What was that? Haven’t you seen one of those before?”
The detective replies, “You misunderstand. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat,
The pilot announced
He knocked on the door of one house
18.
However, they all fail to notice the stop signs, and all crash into each other at an intersection.
They all arrive at the Pearly Gates where St.Peter is waiting for them.
St.Peter asks, “So, what’s your story?”
The first of the three men replies, “Well, I think I just died in a car crash.”
St.Peter nods and asks, “And what car did you drive on Earth?”
“A Pontiac Fire bird,” answers the mortal.
“Oh, I see
Well, unfortunately that means you’re going to hell, son.”
The second man walks up and gets asked the same question.
The second man looks slightly worried as he replies, “I drove a Ford Mondeo.”
“Sorry, going down,” St.Peter says.
The third man steps forwards gingerly.
“So,” asks St.Peter “What sort of car did you drive?”
“Er, a Land Rover,” comes the shaky reply.
“Well then, welcome to Heaven, son!” says St.Peter.
The Land Rover driver is slightly confused, and says, “I thought I was in trouble there
What gives?”
St.Peter smiles and says, “Son, you’ve already been through Hell.”
A certain Rabbi
A very large gorilla
However, they all fail to notice the stop signs, and all crash into each other at an intersection.
They all arrive at the Pearly Gates where St.Peter is waiting for them.
St.Peter asks, “So, what’s your story?”
The first of the three men replies, “Well, I think I just died in a car crash.”
St.Peter nods and asks, “And what car did you drive on Earth?”
“A Pontiac Fire bird,” answers the mortal.
“Oh, I see
Well, unfortunately that means you’re going to hell, son.”
The second man walks up and gets asked the same question.
The second man looks slightly worried as he replies, “I drove a Ford Mondeo.”
“Sorry, going down,” St.Peter says.
The third man steps forwards gingerly.
“So,” asks St.Peter “What sort of car did you drive?”
“Er, a Land Rover,” comes the shaky reply.
“Well then, welcome to Heaven, son!” says St.Peter.
The Land Rover driver is slightly confused, and says, “I thought I was in trouble there
What gives?”
St.Peter smiles and says, “Son, you’ve already been through Hell.”
A certain Rabbi
A very large gorilla
19.
A little boy asked his dad for a dollar to give to a little old lady in the park.
His father impressed by his son’s kindness, gave him the dollar.
“There you are my son,” said the father.
“But, tell me, isn’t the little lady able to work any more?”
“She sells candy” was the boy’s reply.
A elderly couple was in bed one night
A couple attended marriage counseling
A little boy asked his dad for a dollar to give to a little old lady in the park.
His father impressed by his son’s kindness, gave him the dollar.
“There you are my son,” said the father.
“But, tell me, isn’t the little lady able to work any more?”
“She sells candy” was the boy’s reply.
A elderly couple was in bed one night
A couple attended marriage counseling
20.
So an older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend .
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
“Here’s a stunning ring at only ££40,000”, the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.
“I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
“There’s no money in that account.”
“I know”, said the old man,
“but can you imagine the weekend I had?”
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar
The owner of a golf course was confused
So an older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend .
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
“Here’s a stunning ring at only ££40,000”, the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.
“I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
“There’s no money in that account.”
“I know”, said the old man,
“but can you imagine the weekend I had?”
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar
The owner of a golf course was confused
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21.
Two man decide to go duck hunting.
Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven’t bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says, “I just don’t understand it.
Why aren’t we getting any ducks?”
Her friend says “I keep telling you, I just don’t think we’re throwing the dog high enough.”
A blonde was suffering
A guy asked a girl in a university library
Two man decide to go duck hunting.
Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven’t bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says, “I just don’t understand it.
Why aren’t we getting any ducks?”
Her friend says “I keep telling you, I just don’t think we’re throwing the dog high enough.”
A blonde was suffering
A guy asked a girl in a university library
22.
A secretary goes to the company stockroom and requisitions a box of pens.
The clerk fumbles around for a bit and then hands her a box of ballpoints.
The secretary returns to her desk, takes out a new pen and begins to write.
The pen skips and then stops giving out any ink.
Frustrated, she tries another pen and then another and another.
None of them work.
Returning to the stockroom, she slams down the box of defective pens and demands, “Why did you give me a box of pens that don’t work?”
The clerk answers, “Well, somebody has to use them!”
A little silver-haired lady
A man is in court for murder
A secretary goes to the company stockroom and requisitions a box of pens.
The clerk fumbles around for a bit and then hands her a box of ballpoints.
The secretary returns to her desk, takes out a new pen and begins to write.
The pen skips and then stops giving out any ink.
Frustrated, she tries another pen and then another and another.
None of them work.
Returning to the stockroom, she slams down the box of defective pens and demands, “Why did you give me a box of pens that don’t work?”
The clerk answers, “Well, somebody has to use them!”
A little silver-haired lady
A man is in court for murder
23.
A blonde went to her doctor and said,
“You prescribed birth control pills for me.”
“And how is it going?” he asked.
“Okay, I think, but I’d like to have them bigger.”
The doctor was surprised.
“You mean stronger?”
“No, bigger, please”
“But why BIGGER?”
“Because they keep falling out.”
Sophie and Shirley two elderly widows
This blonde city girl who was out driving
A blonde went to her doctor and said,
“You prescribed birth control pills for me.”
“And how is it going?” he asked.
“Okay, I think, but I’d like to have them bigger.”
The doctor was surprised.
“You mean stronger?”
“No, bigger, please”
“But why BIGGER?”
“Because they keep falling out.”
Sophie and Shirley two elderly widows
This blonde city girl who was out driving
24.
Johnny went to confession, at the beginning of Lent….
“Bless me Father for I have sinned.
It has been 3 months since my last confession.
In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred times, and played with a girl’s private parts.”
“Played with a girl’s private parts!” exclaimed the priest.
“Whoa, that’s pretty serious.
For your penance say three rosaries and wash your hands in holy water.”
So Johnny knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious incantations of the three rosaries.
Then he made the trek up to the holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers.
When the girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and says, “Move over, pal. I gotta gargle….”
A man is talking to his best friend
I smelled something funny
Johnny went to confession, at the beginning of Lent….
“Bless me Father for I have sinned.
It has been 3 months since my last confession.
In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred times, and played with a girl’s private parts.”
“Played with a girl’s private parts!” exclaimed the priest.
“Whoa, that’s pretty serious.
For your penance say three rosaries and wash your hands in holy water.”
So Johnny knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious incantations of the three rosaries.
Then he made the trek up to the holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers.
When the girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and says, “Move over, pal. I gotta gargle….”
A man is talking to his best friend
I smelled something funny
25.
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
‘What was that for?’ he asked.
‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.
‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.
‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said.
‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, ‘What the hell was that for?’
‘Your horse called!’
A guy gets home late one night
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
‘What was that for?’ he asked.
‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.
‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.
‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said.
‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, ‘What the hell was that for?’
‘Your horse called!’
A guy gets home late one night
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
26.
A man stops by his doctor’s office.
He tells his doctor of his concern for his wife’s hearing.
“She doesn’t answer me when I ask her questions.” He told his doctor.
After a lengthy conversation, the doctor thinks of a simple test the man can do:
“Stand about twenty feet behind your wife and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move five feet closer and ask again. Do this until she answers you and you’ll know how bad her hearing loss is.”
The man, ecstatic at the idea of having of analyzing his wife’s hearing problem, runs home.
When he arrives he finds his wife preparing dinner in the kitchen.
Following his doctor’s instructions, the man stood twenty feet behind his wife and asks “What’s for dinner, honey?”
No response from his wife, so the man steps five feet closer and asks again: “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No answer again. The man steps five feet closer putting him about ten feet behind his wife and asks again: “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No answer. The man steps five feet closer and asks again: “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
“Jesus!” The man’s wife yells.
“For the fourth time: We’re having meatloaf!”
Two old couples got together
Mr. Smith is reading his morning paper
A man stops by his doctor’s office.
He tells his doctor of his concern for his wife’s hearing.
“She doesn’t answer me when I ask her questions.” He told his doctor.
After a lengthy conversation, the doctor thinks of a simple test the man can do:
“Stand about twenty feet behind your wife and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move five feet closer and ask again. Do this until she answers you and you’ll know how bad her hearing loss is.”
The man, ecstatic at the idea of having of analyzing his wife’s hearing problem, runs home.
When he arrives he finds his wife preparing dinner in the kitchen.
Following his doctor’s instructions, the man stood twenty feet behind his wife and asks “What’s for dinner, honey?”
No response from his wife, so the man steps five feet closer and asks again: “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No answer again. The man steps five feet closer putting him about ten feet behind his wife and asks again: “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No answer. The man steps five feet closer and asks again: “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
“Jesus!” The man’s wife yells.
“For the fourth time: We’re having meatloaf!”
Two old couples got together
Mr. Smith is reading his morning paper
27.
A chemist comes back from his lunch break.
He finds his assistant busy behind the counter, and a man twitching while leaning against the wall.
“What’s going on?” he asks. The assistant tells him that the man came in for some cough syrup.
“Well, did you give it to him?” asks the chemist.
“No, we didn’t have any,” replies the assistant. “So what *have* you given him?” asks the chemist.
“Laxatives,” replies the assistant.
The chemists stares at the assistant, then the man, then back again.
And the assistant says, “Well, he doesn’t want to cough now.”
Once there was a young man whose friends
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer
A chemist comes back from his lunch break.
He finds his assistant busy behind the counter, and a man twitching while leaning against the wall.
“What’s going on?” he asks. The assistant tells him that the man came in for some cough syrup.
“Well, did you give it to him?” asks the chemist.
“No, we didn’t have any,” replies the assistant. “So what *have* you given him?” asks the chemist.
“Laxatives,” replies the assistant.
The chemists stares at the assistant, then the man, then back again.
And the assistant says, “Well, he doesn’t want to cough now.”
Once there was a young man whose friends
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer
28.
An Irishman’s been at a pub all night drinking.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed.
So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”
“How did you know?” he asks.
“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
A blonde and a brunette were discussing
A man went into a bank
An Irishman’s been at a pub all night drinking.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed.
So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”
“How did you know?” he asks.
“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
A blonde and a brunette were discussing
A man went into a bank
29.
A undressed woman is bouncing on her bed singing.
Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.
He watches her a while then says, “You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you’re doing?”
She says, “I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the melons of an eighteen year old.”
She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, “Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45-year-old bum?”
“Your name never came up,” she replied.
A husband and wife were sitting at the table
She charged that he had called her a pig
A undressed woman is bouncing on her bed singing.
Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.
He watches her a while then says, “You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you’re doing?”
She says, “I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the melons of an eighteen year old.”
She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, “Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45-year-old bum?”
“Your name never came up,” she replied.
A husband and wife were sitting at the table
She charged that he had called her a pig
30.
An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, “Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…”
The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.”
So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.”
The wife says, “Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.”
The husband says, “No, I am sure it was a dream.”
She told her mother
A man and his wife were sitting
An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, “Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…”
The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.”
So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.”
The wife says, “Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.”
The husband says, “No, I am sure it was a dream.”
She told her mother
A man and his wife were sitting
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