1.
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
“I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don’t try to fool me because I can tell the difference.”
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, scowls and says,
“Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch.”
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, grimaces and says,
“Bartender, I don’t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!”
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs,
“Ah, now that’s the real thing.”
A disgusting, grimy, stinking old drunk has been watching all this with great interest.
He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says,
“Hey, I think that’s really far out what you can do. Try this one.”
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries,
“Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!”
The drunk’s eyes light up and he says,
“Yeah, now tell me,… how old am I?”
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines
Three women one engaged, one married
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
“I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don’t try to fool me because I can tell the difference.”
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, scowls and says,
“Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch.”
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, grimaces and says,
“Bartender, I don’t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!”
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs,
“Ah, now that’s the real thing.”
A disgusting, grimy, stinking old drunk has been watching all this with great interest.
He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says,
“Hey, I think that’s really far out what you can do. Try this one.”
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries,
“Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!”
The drunk’s eyes light up and he says,
“Yeah, now tell me,… how old am I?”
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines
Three women one engaged, one married
2.
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
“Good morning, Ma’am what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is he guy blind or what?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But, Officer, I’m not fishing can’t you see that?”
“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that I will charge you with rape,” snaps the irate woman.
“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the Game Warden.
“Yes, that’s true but you have all the equipment.
Mother-in-law
Husband in bed with a young
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
“Good morning, Ma’am what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is he guy blind or what?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But, Officer, I’m not fishing can’t you see that?”
“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that I will charge you with rape,” snaps the irate woman.
“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the Game Warden.
“Yes, that’s true but you have all the equipment.
Mother-in-law
Husband in bed with a young
3.
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday.
My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special.
She asked me out for lunch.
After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.
We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”
“Okay,” I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling,
“SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… undressed.
One day, there were two boys
Grandpa what is couple
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday.
My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special.
She asked me out for lunch.
After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.
We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”
“Okay,” I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling,
“SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… undressed.
One day, there were two boys
Grandpa what is couple
4.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
He entered their bedroom
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
He entered their bedroom
5.
A girl goes into her father’s study, “Daddy, why am I named rose?”
“Because the day you were born a rose petal blew through the window and landed on your cheek.”
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. “Daddy, why am I named Lily?”
“Because the day you were born a lily petal blew through the window and landed on your cheek.”
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. “Daddy, why am I named Daisy?”
“Because the day you were–“
“HUAAAARWAWAWAAAAAA”
“SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK I’M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER.”
A elderly couple are walking down a country road
3 nuns go to mother superior and say
A girl goes into her father’s study, “Daddy, why am I named rose?”
“Because the day you were born a rose petal blew through the window and landed on your cheek.”
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. “Daddy, why am I named Lily?”
“Because the day you were born a lily petal blew through the window and landed on your cheek.”
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. “Daddy, why am I named Daisy?”
“Because the day you were–“
“HUAAAARWAWAWAAAAAA”
“SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK I’M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER.”
A elderly couple are walking down a country road
3 nuns go to mother superior and say
6.
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
So he walks down to the store only to find it closed.
So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they`ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 AM and says, “Oh no, its so late, my wife’s going to kill me
Have you got any talcum powder?”
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty mad.
“Where the heck have you been?”
“Well, honey, its like this
I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed.
So I went to the bar to use the vending machine.
I saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”
“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!”
She sees his hands are covered with powder and.
“You damn liar! You went bowling again!”
Three brothers each marry a woman
Husband crying uncontrollably
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
So he walks down to the store only to find it closed.
So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they`ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 AM and says, “Oh no, its so late, my wife’s going to kill me
Have you got any talcum powder?”
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty mad.
“Where the heck have you been?”
“Well, honey, its like this
I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed.
So I went to the bar to use the vending machine.
I saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”
“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!”
She sees his hands are covered with powder and.
“You damn liar! You went bowling again!”
Three brothers each marry a woman
Husband crying uncontrollably
7.
A guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”
The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find.
The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge mickey, the doctor says that’s the problem right there!
That weapon is so big it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing the stutter, we have several smaller transplants we can choose from and remove the big one.
So the guy agrees and has the surgery, a month later he goes back to see the doctor and says, “hey doc I can speak fantastically with no stutter, but my wife isn’t satisfied so I need my old roger back.”
The doctor says, “ffffVck yyyou.”
Johnny and Susie were playing
The nurse asks him
A guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”
The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find.
The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge mickey, the doctor says that’s the problem right there!
That weapon is so big it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing the stutter, we have several smaller transplants we can choose from and remove the big one.
So the guy agrees and has the surgery, a month later he goes back to see the doctor and says, “hey doc I can speak fantastically with no stutter, but my wife isn’t satisfied so I need my old roger back.”
The doctor says, “ffffVck yyyou.”
Johnny and Susie were playing
The nurse asks him
8.
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.
He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man.
‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’
The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me.
I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.
That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’
The man shakes his head.
‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.
I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day
A German officer watches over his outpost
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.
He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man.
‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’
The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me.
I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.
That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’
The man shakes his head.
‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.
I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day
A German officer watches over his outpost
9.
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
Three old men are talking about
The man asked the doctor
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
Three old men are talking about
The man asked the doctor
10.
A American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a Golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta.
There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
‘O.K., thank you,’ said the American.
He then traveled all across America , Europe, England , Japan , Australia.
In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same.
‘$US10,000 per call’ sign under it.
The American decided to travel to New Zealand to see if New Zealanders had.
The same phone he arrived at Auckland, in New Zealand and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read ’40 cents per call.’
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
‘Father, I’ve traveled all over the world and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many Churches.
I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?’
The priest smiled and answered, You’re in New Zealand now, son.
“This is Heaven, so it’s a local call.”
The office manager called a local repair shop
The Surgeon Explains
A American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a Golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta.
There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
‘O.K., thank you,’ said the American.
He then traveled all across America , Europe, England , Japan , Australia.
In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same.
‘$US10,000 per call’ sign under it.
The American decided to travel to New Zealand to see if New Zealanders had.
The same phone he arrived at Auckland, in New Zealand and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read ’40 cents per call.’
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
‘Father, I’ve traveled all over the world and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many Churches.
I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?’
The priest smiled and answered, You’re in New Zealand now, son.
“This is Heaven, so it’s a local call.”
The office manager called a local repair shop
The Surgeon Explains
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11.
A man goes to confess that he’d stolen someone’s cow.
He was very much wracked with guilt in his confession.
The priest forgave him in God’s name, but added that in a secular sense, he still needs to return the cow.
The thief asks, “Will you take the cow, then, Father?”
The priest says, “No my son, I cannot accept.”
The confessor thief leaves.
Hours later, the priest clocks off and returns home.
Only to realize… his cow was missing.
A elderly man goes into a mental institution
Three babies are in their mother
A man goes to confess that he’d stolen someone’s cow.
He was very much wracked with guilt in his confession.
The priest forgave him in God’s name, but added that in a secular sense, he still needs to return the cow.
The thief asks, “Will you take the cow, then, Father?”
The priest says, “No my son, I cannot accept.”
The confessor thief leaves.
Hours later, the priest clocks off and returns home.
Only to realize… his cow was missing.
A elderly man goes into a mental institution
Three babies are in their mother
12.
A husband and wife were sitting quietly in the park when the wife looked over at her husband and asked the following questions.
“What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?“
“Definitely not!“ says the husband.
“Why not? Don’t you like being married?“
“Of course I do.“
“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?“
“Okay, okay, I’d get married again.“
“You would?“ with a hurt look.
Husband makes audible groan.
“Would you live in our house?“
“Sure, it’s a great house.“
“Would you sleep with her in our bed?“
“Where else would we sleep?“
“Would you let her drive my car?“
“Probably,it is almost new.“
“Would you replace my picture with hers?“
“That would seem like the proper thing to do.“
“Would you give her my jewellery?“
“No, I’m sure she’d want her own.“
“Would you take her golfing with you?“
“Yes, those are always good times.“
“Would she use my clubs?“
“No!“ says the husband.
“She’s left-handed.“
Long silence…
“Damn.“
A lady helps her husband
The newlywed wife said to her husband
A husband and wife were sitting quietly in the park when the wife looked over at her husband and asked the following questions.
“What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?“
“Definitely not!“ says the husband.
“Why not? Don’t you like being married?“
“Of course I do.“
“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?“
“Okay, okay, I’d get married again.“
“You would?“ with a hurt look.
Husband makes audible groan.
“Would you live in our house?“
“Sure, it’s a great house.“
“Would you sleep with her in our bed?“
“Where else would we sleep?“
“Would you let her drive my car?“
“Probably,it is almost new.“
“Would you replace my picture with hers?“
“That would seem like the proper thing to do.“
“Would you give her my jewellery?“
“No, I’m sure she’d want her own.“
“Would you take her golfing with you?“
“Yes, those are always good times.“
“Would she use my clubs?“
“No!“ says the husband.
“She’s left-handed.“
Long silence…
“Damn.“
A lady helps her husband
The newlywed wife said to her husband
13.
“How can I know the best way to act in life?”
The disciple asked the master.
The master asked him to build a table.
The disciple drove in the nails with three precise blows.
One nail, however, struck a hard spot and the disciple needed to deliver one more blow – which drove in the nail too deep all the way into the wood.
“Your hand was used to three blows of the hammer,” said the master.
“You had so much trust in what you did that you lost your attention and skill.”
“When action becomes a mere habit it loses its meaning and may end up causing harm, so never let routine be in command of your movements.”
A General stepped out taking
My mother taught
“How can I know the best way to act in life?”
The disciple asked the master.
The master asked him to build a table.
The disciple drove in the nails with three precise blows.
One nail, however, struck a hard spot and the disciple needed to deliver one more blow – which drove in the nail too deep all the way into the wood.
“Your hand was used to three blows of the hammer,” said the master.
“You had so much trust in what you did that you lost your attention and skill.”
“When action becomes a mere habit it loses its meaning and may end up causing harm, so never let routine be in command of your movements.”
A General stepped out taking
My mother taught
14.
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands.
They had been silent for a while, then the lass said, “A penny for your thoughts.”
The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, “Well, I was thinking’ how nice it would be if ye’d give me a wee bit of a kiss.”
So she did so.
But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, “What are ye thinking’ now?”
To which the lad replied: “Well, I was hoping’ ye hadn’t forgot the penny!”
Two old school friends meet on the street
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands.
They had been silent for a while, then the lass said, “A penny for your thoughts.”
The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, “Well, I was thinking’ how nice it would be if ye’d give me a wee bit of a kiss.”
So she did so.
But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, “What are ye thinking’ now?”
To which the lad replied: “Well, I was hoping’ ye hadn’t forgot the penny!”
Two old school friends meet on the street
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing
15.
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
They we’re celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and decided to walk down the street to their old school.
There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they’d shared and where he had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car and lands practically at their feet.
Sally quickly picks it up and decides to take it home until they decide what to do with it.
There, she counts the money, and it’s fifty thousand dollars.
The husband says, “We’ve got to give it back.”
She says, “Finders keepers,” and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home.
They say, “Pardon me, but did either of you find or know about some money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
She says, “No.”
The husband quickly interjects, “She’s lying!! She hid it up in the attic.”
She says, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
However, the agents sit the man down and begin to question him.
“Sir, please tell us the story from the beginning.”
The old man says, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…”
The FBI agents immediately look at each other and say, “Let’s get out of here!!”
A couple were Christmas shopping
The mother came on her little son
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
They we’re celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and decided to walk down the street to their old school.
There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they’d shared and where he had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car and lands practically at their feet.
Sally quickly picks it up and decides to take it home until they decide what to do with it.
There, she counts the money, and it’s fifty thousand dollars.
The husband says, “We’ve got to give it back.”
She says, “Finders keepers,” and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home.
They say, “Pardon me, but did either of you find or know about some money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
She says, “No.”
The husband quickly interjects, “She’s lying!! She hid it up in the attic.”
She says, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
However, the agents sit the man down and begin to question him.
“Sir, please tell us the story from the beginning.”
The old man says, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…”
The FBI agents immediately look at each other and say, “Let’s get out of here!!”
A couple were Christmas shopping
The mother came on her little son
16.
A boss says to his secretary, “we are travelling abroad for the week so make arrangements.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss and i will be travelling abroad for some reasons.”
The secretary husband makes call to her secret lover, “my wife is travelling for the weekend so come to my house so that we can be together.”
The secret lover makes call to the child she’s teaching lesson, “i will not be at home this week so don’t come for lesson.”
The child makes call to his grandpa “grandpa, my lesson teacher is not around so i’ll use the weekend with you.”
Then grandpa makes call to his secretary “my grandson is coming to use his weekend with me so we are not travelling again.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss said his grandson is coming to use weekend with him, so our trip is cancelled.”
The husband makes a call to secret lover, “We cannot spend the week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.”
The secret lover makes a call to little boy, “We will still have classes as usual this week.”
The little boy makes a call to his grandfather, “Grandpa! I’m sorry we won’t be able to spend the week together. My teacher called and said that I have to attend classes.”
The grandpa makes a call to his secretary, “Change of plans! My grandson is no more coming. So we are still travelling this week. Make arrangements.”
A old man and a 20 year old are paired together
Three women friends met for drinks after work
A boss says to his secretary, “we are travelling abroad for the week so make arrangements.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss and i will be travelling abroad for some reasons.”
The secretary husband makes call to her secret lover, “my wife is travelling for the weekend so come to my house so that we can be together.”
The secret lover makes call to the child she’s teaching lesson, “i will not be at home this week so don’t come for lesson.”
The child makes call to his grandpa “grandpa, my lesson teacher is not around so i’ll use the weekend with you.”
Then grandpa makes call to his secretary “my grandson is coming to use his weekend with me so we are not travelling again.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss said his grandson is coming to use weekend with him, so our trip is cancelled.”
The husband makes a call to secret lover, “We cannot spend the week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.”
The secret lover makes a call to little boy, “We will still have classes as usual this week.”
The little boy makes a call to his grandfather, “Grandpa! I’m sorry we won’t be able to spend the week together. My teacher called and said that I have to attend classes.”
The grandpa makes a call to his secretary, “Change of plans! My grandson is no more coming. So we are still travelling this week. Make arrangements.”
A old man and a 20 year old are paired together
Three women friends met for drinks after work
17.
I wanted to pick up a few more tennis balls before meeting my friend for game.
The club house had a bin of slightly used balls and I picked out a couple and went to buy them.
The cashier asked if I wanted a bag for them and I said, “it’s OK, I’ll just put them in my front pockets.”
While walking out of the store another guy came walking in and saw me with my pockets bulging.
“What’s wrong with your pockets?” he asked.
“Oh, it’s just tennis balls.” I said.
“Oh wow, how are you even able to walk?
I had tennis elbow once and I could barely move my arms.”
In a neighbourhood
A kangaroo at the zoo
I wanted to pick up a few more tennis balls before meeting my friend for game.
The club house had a bin of slightly used balls and I picked out a couple and went to buy them.
The cashier asked if I wanted a bag for them and I said, “it’s OK, I’ll just put them in my front pockets.”
While walking out of the store another guy came walking in and saw me with my pockets bulging.
“What’s wrong with your pockets?” he asked.
“Oh, it’s just tennis balls.” I said.
“Oh wow, how are you even able to walk?
I had tennis elbow once and I could barely move my arms.”
In a neighbourhood
A kangaroo at the zoo
18.
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her T-shirt open.
A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, “Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman’s right fronts is hanging out.”
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her front is hanging out.
When he gets face to face with her he says, “Ma’am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?”
She says, “Why, officer?” “Well, your fronts is hanging out.”
She looks down and says “OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!”
A young female teacher wearing
One late Saturday night a young guy
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her T-shirt open.
A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, “Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman’s right fronts is hanging out.”
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her front is hanging out.
When he gets face to face with her he says, “Ma’am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?”
She says, “Why, officer?” “Well, your fronts is hanging out.”
She looks down and says “OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!”
A young female teacher wearing
One late Saturday night a young guy
19.
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.
On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, “Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?”
“Why do you want me to throw them at you?”
“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”
“Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy.”
“But why?”
“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.”
A elderly man goes into confession
little Timmy made a wish that Santa
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.
On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, “Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?”
“Why do you want me to throw them at you?”
“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”
“Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy.”
“But why?”
“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.”
A elderly man goes into confession
little Timmy made a wish that Santa
20.
When the manager of a men’s clothing store returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said.
“I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had for so long!”
“Do you mean that repulsive, pink-and-blue, double-fronts thing?!” the manager asked.
“That’s the one!”
“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity!
That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”
“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.”
A man was called in for an audit
A Wild Boar & Fox
When the manager of a men’s clothing store returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said.
“I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had for so long!”
“Do you mean that repulsive, pink-and-blue, double-fronts thing?!” the manager asked.
“That’s the one!”
“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity!
That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”
“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.”
A man was called in for an audit
A Wild Boar & Fox
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21.
“You’re going to jail for all that marijuana in your pocket!” the policeman stated.
“But officer, this weed isn’t mine It keeps appearing in my pocket every time I flush it down the toilet.”
The man replied,
“Oh, really? This I gotta see If you can prove it, you’re free to go!” the policeman challenged.
The man takes all the marijuana out of his pocket and puts it in the toilet.
He then pulls the handle and watches it go down the drain.
Several minutes go by and nothing happens.
“Well, why hasn’t the weed appeared back in your pocket?” the policeman asked.
“What weed?”
A lawyer trying to get tickets
A man and waiter
“You’re going to jail for all that marijuana in your pocket!” the policeman stated.
“But officer, this weed isn’t mine It keeps appearing in my pocket every time I flush it down the toilet.”
The man replied,
“Oh, really? This I gotta see If you can prove it, you’re free to go!” the policeman challenged.
The man takes all the marijuana out of his pocket and puts it in the toilet.
He then pulls the handle and watches it go down the drain.
Several minutes go by and nothing happens.
“Well, why hasn’t the weed appeared back in your pocket?” the policeman asked.
“What weed?”
A lawyer trying to get tickets
A man and waiter
22.
A plane crashes
The only survivor is a flight atendant.
She finds herself on a deserted island and after a while gets really hot so she takes her shirt off exposing her cleavege. She sees smoke nearby and arives to see a man cooking some meat.
-Where are you from ?- She asks him
-Great Britian.- He replies.
-How long have you been here ?-
-Fifteen years.-
-Well could you give me some of that meat ? Im mighty hungry.-
-Oh yeah and what will you give me in return ?-
-Something you havent seen in fifteen years.-
She takes off her b*a and the two start kissing as one thing leads to another.
After they finish they lay on the cool evening sand covered only by a thin cloth blanket, the man sits up looks at the beautiful women laying next to him he asks her:
-Now where is the tea that you promised ?-
A ventriloquist was performing at a club
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner
A plane crashes
The only survivor is a flight atendant.
She finds herself on a deserted island and after a while gets really hot so she takes her shirt off exposing her cleavege. She sees smoke nearby and arives to see a man cooking some meat.
-Where are you from ?- She asks him
-Great Britian.- He replies.
-How long have you been here ?-
-Fifteen years.-
-Well could you give me some of that meat ? Im mighty hungry.-
-Oh yeah and what will you give me in return ?-
-Something you havent seen in fifteen years.-
She takes off her b*a and the two start kissing as one thing leads to another.
After they finish they lay on the cool evening sand covered only by a thin cloth blanket, the man sits up looks at the beautiful women laying next to him he asks her:
-Now where is the tea that you promised ?-
A ventriloquist was performing at a club
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner
23.
During a visit to a closed institution
A woman comes to the doctor with broken teeth
During a visit to a closed institution
A woman comes to the doctor with broken teeth
24.
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer,
lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?”
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for…
“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”
“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging,
I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”
“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of melons I’ve ever seen. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess”
A chemist comes back from his lunch break
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer,
lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?”
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for…
“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”
“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging,
I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”
“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of melons I’ve ever seen. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess”
A chemist comes back from his lunch break
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson
25.
Mrs. Green lived in two story house together with an elderly widow.
After not hearing from her for a few days, she got a bit nervous.
“Johnny”, she called to her son “do me a favor and go find out how old Mrs. Robinson is.”
So six-year-old John went down the stairs and knocked on Mrs. Robinson’s door.
“So how is she?” asked Mrs. Green when John came back up.
“How is she?”, repeated Johnny.
“I’ve never seen her so mad in my life, she said it’s none of your business how old she is.”
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster
A Scottish farmer is sitting on his front porch
Mrs. Green lived in two story house together with an elderly widow.
After not hearing from her for a few days, she got a bit nervous.
“Johnny”, she called to her son “do me a favor and go find out how old Mrs. Robinson is.”
So six-year-old John went down the stairs and knocked on Mrs. Robinson’s door.
“So how is she?” asked Mrs. Green when John came back up.
“How is she?”, repeated Johnny.
“I’ve never seen her so mad in my life, she said it’s none of your business how old she is.”
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster
A Scottish farmer is sitting on his front porch
26.
One day, a gentleman’s wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit, so she sends her husband out to pick up some snails for escargot.
He picks up the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute.
The two get to chatting and the friend suggests, “Wanna grab a pint?”
To which the man replies, “No, I should really be getting back, my wife’ll be pissed if I’m late for her dinner.”
So after some more minor prodding the man, of course, goes out for the one, snails in hand.
The fellas get to drinking and lose track of time, drinking into the night until the man looks up at the clock and realizes,
“Oops! I’m 4 hours late for the darn dinner!”
So he snatches up his bag of snails and tears down the street to home.
As the man starts up his walk, stumbling and plastered, he trips on the front steps, raising a cacophony of sound and alerting his wife to his beleaguered presence.
She slams open the door, looks down at the drunk, and darn near explodes.
“Where the hell have you been?! You’re four hours late for dinner! Explain yourself, ya drunk bastard!”
The man, knowing he’s screwed and looking down at his sad state and the snails scattered all about, decides to take the chance.
Raising his fist and adopting a motivational tone, he says with a dare, “Five feet more lads, we’re almost there!”
A boy was visiting his grandmother
A woman wakes up in the night
One day, a gentleman’s wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit, so she sends her husband out to pick up some snails for escargot.
He picks up the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute.
The two get to chatting and the friend suggests, “Wanna grab a pint?”
To which the man replies, “No, I should really be getting back, my wife’ll be pissed if I’m late for her dinner.”
So after some more minor prodding the man, of course, goes out for the one, snails in hand.
The fellas get to drinking and lose track of time, drinking into the night until the man looks up at the clock and realizes,
“Oops! I’m 4 hours late for the darn dinner!”
So he snatches up his bag of snails and tears down the street to home.
As the man starts up his walk, stumbling and plastered, he trips on the front steps, raising a cacophony of sound and alerting his wife to his beleaguered presence.
She slams open the door, looks down at the drunk, and darn near explodes.
“Where the hell have you been?! You’re four hours late for dinner! Explain yourself, ya drunk bastard!”
The man, knowing he’s screwed and looking down at his sad state and the snails scattered all about, decides to take the chance.
Raising his fist and adopting a motivational tone, he says with a dare, “Five feet more lads, we’re almost there!”
A boy was visiting his grandmother
A woman wakes up in the night
27.
A blonde struggling with her weight visited her doctor for advice.
He suggested she run ten miles a day for thirty days, assuring her she’d shed twenty pounds.
After diligently following the plan, she was thrilled to see the results and called to thank the doctor.
But before hanging up, she asked,
“One last thing—how do I get back home? I’m 300 miles away now!”
A elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone
Three drunkards were walking down
A blonde struggling with her weight visited her doctor for advice.
He suggested she run ten miles a day for thirty days, assuring her she’d shed twenty pounds.
After diligently following the plan, she was thrilled to see the results and called to thank the doctor.
But before hanging up, she asked,
“One last thing—how do I get back home? I’m 300 miles away now!”
A elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone
Three drunkards were walking down
28.
A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn’t want to pay up what should I do?”
“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,” replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500,” replied the man.
“Precisely that’s what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him.”
A older gentleman was on operating table
He starts dialing numbers on his hand
A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn’t want to pay up what should I do?”
“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,” replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500,” replied the man.
“Precisely that’s what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him.”
A older gentleman was on operating table
He starts dialing numbers on his hand
29.
A young woman was preparing for her wedding.
She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie.
She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.
The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.
She exclaimed, “Oh no! It’s short, pink, and wrinkled!”
Then her groom cried out, “I told you not to peek!”
A married couple moves into to a new home
They walked down to their old school
A young woman was preparing for her wedding.
She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie.
She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.
The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.
She exclaimed, “Oh no! It’s short, pink, and wrinkled!”
Then her groom cried out, “I told you not to peek!”
A married couple moves into to a new home
They walked down to their old school
30.
Two older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.
“I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous,” the first one said.
“Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing,” the other woman commented.
“But I broke him of that habit real quick.”
“What did you do?”
“I hid his teeth.”
The young couple admired the scarecrow
A woman with a minor injury
Two older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.
“I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous,” the first one said.
“Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing,” the other woman commented.
“But I broke him of that habit real quick.”
“What did you do?”
“I hid his teeth.”
The young couple admired the scarecrow
A woman with a minor injury
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