1.
The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.
“Well, I’ve seen you undressed. You don’t need that towel,” says the husband.
“I just feel more comfortable this way,” the wife responds.
“But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state,” continues the husband.
The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo.
“I’ll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time,” he responds, and gets his picture, then heads for the shower himself.
He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.
“Why are you wearing that towel now I want a photo of you in return,” demands the wife.
The husband does as he’s told, the photo’s taken and they check the result in their digital camera.
“What will you do with this photo of me, then?” asks the husband.
The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again.
“I’ll have it ENLARGED.”
A little girl was in church with her mother
A man and a woman were having a dinner
The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.
“Well, I’ve seen you undressed. You don’t need that towel,” says the husband.
“I just feel more comfortable this way,” the wife responds.
“But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state,” continues the husband.
The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo.
“I’ll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time,” he responds, and gets his picture, then heads for the shower himself.
He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.
“Why are you wearing that towel now I want a photo of you in return,” demands the wife.
The husband does as he’s told, the photo’s taken and they check the result in their digital camera.
“What will you do with this photo of me, then?” asks the husband.
The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again.
“I’ll have it ENLARGED.”
A little girl was in church with her mother
A man and a woman were having a dinner
2.
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like hell they’re getting divorced!”
She shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced don’t do a single thing until I get there, I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’
Mailmen Get It Regular
I think you’re bad luck
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like hell they’re getting divorced!”
She shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced don’t do a single thing until I get there, I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’
Mailmen Get It Regular
I think you’re bad luck
3.
A man and his wife were in a fancy restaurant.
While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon.
So the husband says, “what’s with the spoon?”
The waiter said, “well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil.
So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, “I’ll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else”.
While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, “hey, there’s a string on your pants”.
The waiter tells him, “not all my customers are as observant as you… the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time.”
The husband was impressed, but asked, “it’s a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?”.
The waiter leaned close and whispered, “well I don’t know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon.”
A man and his wife were sitting
A guy and a girl are lying
A man and his wife were in a fancy restaurant.
While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon.
So the husband says, “what’s with the spoon?”
The waiter said, “well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil.
So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, “I’ll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else”.
While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, “hey, there’s a string on your pants”.
The waiter tells him, “not all my customers are as observant as you… the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time.”
The husband was impressed, but asked, “it’s a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?”.
The waiter leaned close and whispered, “well I don’t know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon.”
A man and his wife were sitting
A guy and a girl are lying
4.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”
Bill told his friend Doug
Two lawyers were out hunting
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”
Bill told his friend Doug
Two lawyers were out hunting
5.
George was planning on going out with “The Boys” when his wife told him that he wasn’t leaving the house.
George’s Wife: “The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt.”
George: “But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!”
So after begging his old lady for an hour,..
George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced.
After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.
George: “Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!”
Bill, George’s best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill: “All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door.
Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself,
Just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned.”
So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.
Georges wife: “I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!”
George: “Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned.”
His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.
George’s wife: “Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?”
George: “Oh, That’s from the guy who shit in my pants.”
A minister gave a talk to the community center
Three friends who were lost in the forest
George was planning on going out with “The Boys” when his wife told him that he wasn’t leaving the house.
George’s Wife: “The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt.”
George: “But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!”
So after begging his old lady for an hour,..
George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced.
After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.
George: “Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!”
Bill, George’s best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill: “All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door.
Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself,
Just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned.”
So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.
Georges wife: “I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!”
George: “Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned.”
His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.
George’s wife: “Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?”
George: “Oh, That’s from the guy who shit in my pants.”
A minister gave a talk to the community center
Three friends who were lost in the forest
6.
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies. “And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” she asks. “The one I asked for – an Italian girl!” “Oh, that.
I did what I could.
We’ll just have to wait 9 months to see if it’s a girl.
The old man wrote a letter to his son
Young woman ran up to me at the cemetery
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies. “And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” she asks. “The one I asked for – an Italian girl!” “Oh, that.
I did what I could.
We’ll just have to wait 9 months to see if it’s a girl.
The old man wrote a letter to his son
Young woman ran up to me at the cemetery
7.
An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom.
So the wife goes to an toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking.
The worker suggests some privates underwear and takes her to see some.
The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband.
When she gets home she finds her husband is still out.
She makes her way up the bedroom to put on her new underwear.
She eagerly waits for her husband to get home.
After some time she hears him come in.
He calls out to her, “where are you??”
“I’m in the bedroom, dear!” She replies.
He makes his way up to the bedroom and sees his wife laying back in bed.
“Want some of this?” She asks as she spreads her legs open to give him a nice view.
The man takes one looks and says, “Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!”
The teacher asked the class to use the word
A few women were sitting around the table
An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom.
So the wife goes to an toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking.
The worker suggests some privates underwear and takes her to see some.
The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband.
When she gets home she finds her husband is still out.
She makes her way up the bedroom to put on her new underwear.
She eagerly waits for her husband to get home.
After some time she hears him come in.
He calls out to her, “where are you??”
“I’m in the bedroom, dear!” She replies.
He makes his way up to the bedroom and sees his wife laying back in bed.
“Want some of this?” She asks as she spreads her legs open to give him a nice view.
The man takes one looks and says, “Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!”
The teacher asked the class to use the word
A few women were sitting around the table
8.
Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a protection onto his weapon.
In an attempt to hide his full self enjoyment, Johnny’s father bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously, “What ya doing’, Dad?”
His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”
Johnny replied, “What ya gonna do, bang him?”
A queer couple celebrating birthday
After a wonderful night of lovemaking
Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a protection onto his weapon.
In an attempt to hide his full self enjoyment, Johnny’s father bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously, “What ya doing’, Dad?”
His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”
Johnny replied, “What ya gonna do, bang him?”
A queer couple celebrating birthday
After a wonderful night of lovemaking
9.
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
“What’s the matter?” he was asked.
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.”
A man went into a bank
This man drunk walks into a bar
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
“What’s the matter?” he was asked.
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.”
A man went into a bank
This man drunk walks into a bar
10.
A husband said to his wife, “Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight.”
As expected, the wife wasn’t happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening.
His wife replied, “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!”
The husband said, “I know all that.”
The wife looked on at him with incredulity.
She wondered when she would ever get a little peace.
“Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?” asked the wife.
The guy answered, “Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”
A elderly couple were having an elegant dinner
A couple that had been married
A husband said to his wife, “Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight.”
As expected, the wife wasn’t happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening.
His wife replied, “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!”
The husband said, “I know all that.”
The wife looked on at him with incredulity.
She wondered when she would ever get a little peace.
“Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?” asked the wife.
The guy answered, “Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”
A elderly couple were having an elegant dinner
A couple that had been married
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11.
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob in his new Mercedes.
Johnny points at the star emblem on the front and asks,
“Uncle Bob, what’s that star for?”
Uncle Bob grins and says,
“Oh, that’s my guide—it helps me stay on course.”
A few minutes later, Uncle Bob narrowly misses a cyclist, and Little Johnny laughs,
“Good thing it’s there! Without it, we might need more than just a map!”
A man eagerly waited at the train station
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob in his new Mercedes.
Johnny points at the star emblem on the front and asks,
“Uncle Bob, what’s that star for?”
Uncle Bob grins and says,
“Oh, that’s my guide—it helps me stay on course.”
A few minutes later, Uncle Bob narrowly misses a cyclist, and Little Johnny laughs,
“Good thing it’s there! Without it, we might need more than just a map!”
A man eagerly waited at the train station
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk
12.
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”
To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”
A woman went to doctor office
A man came home from work one day
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”
To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”
A woman went to doctor office
A man came home from work one day
13.
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, over-sized weapon’s.
“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.
“It’s hereditary, sir,” the older one replied.
“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file.
“Your father’s the reason for your elongated weapon’s?”
“No sir, our mother.”
“Your mother? You idiot, women don’t have weapons!”
“I know, sir,” replied the recruit,
“But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.”
There is a girl walking up the stairs
One day a man decides he wants
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, over-sized weapon’s.
“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.
“It’s hereditary, sir,” the older one replied.
“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file.
“Your father’s the reason for your elongated weapon’s?”
“No sir, our mother.”
“Your mother? You idiot, women don’t have weapons!”
“I know, sir,” replied the recruit,
“But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.”
There is a girl walking up the stairs
One day a man decides he wants
14.
Sandra and her husband Jim are expecting a baby in 2 months.
One day Jim comes home from work and asks Sandra, “Why haven’t we had make love in so long?”
“You know I’m worried it will hurt the baby,” Sandra told him.
“I’ll be really gentle. I promise,” Jim tells her.
Sandra protests but Jim manages to finally convince her that he won’t hurt the baby so they have making love.
Two months later Sandra gives birth to a baby boy.
When the baby was born he looked at the doctor and says, “Are you my father?”
The doctor shakes his head.
Then to Sandra, “Are you my father?”
“No, I’m your mother,” she tells him.
Finally the baby sees Jim and says, “Are you my father?”
Jim nods.
The baby starts hitting him on the head and says, “How does this feel?”
A wife comes home
Sandra and her husband Jim are expecting a baby in 2 months.
One day Jim comes home from work and asks Sandra, “Why haven’t we had make love in so long?”
“You know I’m worried it will hurt the baby,” Sandra told him.
“I’ll be really gentle. I promise,” Jim tells her.
Sandra protests but Jim manages to finally convince her that he won’t hurt the baby so they have making love.
Two months later Sandra gives birth to a baby boy.
When the baby was born he looked at the doctor and says, “Are you my father?”
The doctor shakes his head.
Then to Sandra, “Are you my father?”
“No, I’m your mother,” she tells him.
Finally the baby sees Jim and says, “Are you my father?”
Jim nods.
The baby starts hitting him on the head and says, “How does this feel?”
A wife comes home
15.
Two drunks are talking in a bar…
The first one says “You know what’s weird about city hall? When they built it they didn’t take into account wind loads. We get so much wind here the top floor rocks back and forth 20 feet”
The second one says “yeah, but because of that wind you can jump off the roof of the building across the street, and the wind will catch you and blow you right back to the top.”
“Bullshit! You’re having me on.”
“It’s true!”
They argue back and forth for a while until the second drunk slams down his glass and says “I’ll prove it.”
They stagger across the street to the other building and climb the stairs to the roof.
Second drunk: “Watch!”
Before the first drunk can stop him, he jumps off the roof.
He plunges several storeys but then – swoosh! – he soars right back up and drops gracefully back onto the roof.
The first drunk stand there, his mouth hanging open in amazement.
“I’ve gotta try this!” He leaps off the building,plunges, and… splat.
The second drunk shrugs and goes back to the bar.
As he walks in alone, with a crowd gathering around the body of the first drunk across the street, the bartender looks at him and shakes his head.
“You make a mean drunk, Superman.”
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
Once there was a young man whose friends
Two drunks are talking in a bar…
The first one says “You know what’s weird about city hall? When they built it they didn’t take into account wind loads. We get so much wind here the top floor rocks back and forth 20 feet”
The second one says “yeah, but because of that wind you can jump off the roof of the building across the street, and the wind will catch you and blow you right back to the top.”
“Bullshit! You’re having me on.”
“It’s true!”
They argue back and forth for a while until the second drunk slams down his glass and says “I’ll prove it.”
They stagger across the street to the other building and climb the stairs to the roof.
Second drunk: “Watch!”
Before the first drunk can stop him, he jumps off the roof.
He plunges several storeys but then – swoosh! – he soars right back up and drops gracefully back onto the roof.
The first drunk stand there, his mouth hanging open in amazement.
“I’ve gotta try this!” He leaps off the building,plunges, and… splat.
The second drunk shrugs and goes back to the bar.
As he walks in alone, with a crowd gathering around the body of the first drunk across the street, the bartender looks at him and shakes his head.
“You make a mean drunk, Superman.”
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
Once there was a young man whose friends
16.
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and –WHACK!!– he knocks him off the bar stool and says,
“That was a karate chop from Korea.”
The little guy thinks “GEEZ” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden –WHACK– the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says,
“That was a judo chop from Japan.”
So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back –WHACK!!!– He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says,
“When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.”
A old man was walking in the forest
A overweight guy who is watching TV
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and –WHACK!!– he knocks him off the bar stool and says,
“That was a karate chop from Korea.”
The little guy thinks “GEEZ” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden –WHACK– the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says,
“That was a judo chop from Japan.”
So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back –WHACK!!!– He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says,
“When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.”
A old man was walking in the forest
A overweight guy who is watching TV
17.
An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have lovemaking and tell if he see’s them doing anything wrong.
So they have lovemaking.
While they are getting dressed the doctor said, “Well I don’t see anything wrong!”
A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong.
They have lovemaking and the doctor says, “Well again I don’t see anything wrong.”
This goes on for weeks.
Then the doctor asks why they keep coming.
The guy said: “If we go to her house her husband will catch us.
If we go to my house my wife will catch us.
A hotel costs fifty bucks.
Here it’s thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half!”
A woman at the Welfare Office
The doctor looked benignly at the woman
An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have lovemaking and tell if he see’s them doing anything wrong.
So they have lovemaking.
While they are getting dressed the doctor said, “Well I don’t see anything wrong!”
A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong.
They have lovemaking and the doctor says, “Well again I don’t see anything wrong.”
This goes on for weeks.
Then the doctor asks why they keep coming.
The guy said: “If we go to her house her husband will catch us.
If we go to my house my wife will catch us.
A hotel costs fifty bucks.
Here it’s thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half!”
A woman at the Welfare Office
The doctor looked benignly at the woman
18.
One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went.
He said, “We’re learning about make love education.”
She smiled, and said, “At least he’s learning something useful.”
Billy went up to his room.
A little later, Billy’s mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner.
She opens his door and sees him j*rk*ng off.
She says, “Billy, when you’re done with your homework, supper’s on the table.”
A Chinese man had three daughters
A guy walks into a bar and sits down
One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went.
He said, “We’re learning about make love education.”
She smiled, and said, “At least he’s learning something useful.”
Billy went up to his room.
A little later, Billy’s mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner.
She opens his door and sees him j*rk*ng off.
She says, “Billy, when you’re done with your homework, supper’s on the table.”
A Chinese man had three daughters
A guy walks into a bar and sits down
19.
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement.
He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists
A young blonde with a coach ticket
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement.
He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists
A young blonde with a coach ticket
20.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
“Good morning Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with make love,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.
A woman goes to the supermarket
A 75 year old man was walking
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
“Good morning Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with make love,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.
A woman goes to the supermarket
A 75 year old man was walking
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21.
One day, while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
He’s inquiring about a particular petroleum jelly product to see how it’s being used, and by whom.
“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?”
“Yes. My husband and I use it during make love,” she answers.
The researcher is stunned by the blunt reply but quickly regains his composure.
“Um, er… I admire you for your honesty,” he continues.
“Can you tell me exactly how you use it?”
“Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail
A boy is wandering in a hotel
One day, while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
He’s inquiring about a particular petroleum jelly product to see how it’s being used, and by whom.
“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?”
“Yes. My husband and I use it during make love,” she answers.
The researcher is stunned by the blunt reply but quickly regains his composure.
“Um, er… I admire you for your honesty,” he continues.
“Can you tell me exactly how you use it?”
“Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail
A boy is wandering in a hotel
22.
Two blonde girls walk into a department store.
They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
“That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Tracy”
“Yeah. What’s it called Sharon?”
“Viens a moi.”
“Viens a moi? What the does that mean?”
At this stage the store clerk offers some help.
“Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me.’”
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, “That doesn’t smell like come to me.
Does that smell like come to you?”
Two friends went to interview
A nun was walking in the convent
Two blonde girls walk into a department store.
They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
“That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Tracy”
“Yeah. What’s it called Sharon?”
“Viens a moi.”
“Viens a moi? What the does that mean?”
At this stage the store clerk offers some help.
“Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me.’”
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, “That doesn’t smell like come to me.
Does that smell like come to you?”
Two friends went to interview
A nun was walking in the convent
23.
Mrs Santa was in bed with the flu.
The elves were playing up and had gone on strike for more pay.
The replacement elves were much slower and were behind with the toy making.
Two of the reindeer were pregnant, two more were lame, another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest.
And to top it all, Rudolph’s nose had turned black!
Then Santa discovered that one of the runners on his sleigh had come off and the bells were missing.
What I need, thought Santa, is a good strong cup of coffee.
But when he opened the cupboard, the jar fell out and the coffee split all over the floor!
By now Santa was thoroughly fed up.
He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess, but found that the mice had chewed off all the bristles!
At that moment there was a knock on the front door.
Upon opening it, Santa was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas tree.
“Good morning, Santa”, she trilled, “Isn’t it a perfectly gorgeous day? I have brought you this beautiful tree, isn’t it lovely? Where would you like me to stick it?”
Two young guys appear in court
A frog in a trap
Mrs Santa was in bed with the flu.
The elves were playing up and had gone on strike for more pay.
The replacement elves were much slower and were behind with the toy making.
Two of the reindeer were pregnant, two more were lame, another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest.
And to top it all, Rudolph’s nose had turned black!
Then Santa discovered that one of the runners on his sleigh had come off and the bells were missing.
What I need, thought Santa, is a good strong cup of coffee.
But when he opened the cupboard, the jar fell out and the coffee split all over the floor!
By now Santa was thoroughly fed up.
He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess, but found that the mice had chewed off all the bristles!
At that moment there was a knock on the front door.
Upon opening it, Santa was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas tree.
“Good morning, Santa”, she trilled, “Isn’t it a perfectly gorgeous day? I have brought you this beautiful tree, isn’t it lovely? Where would you like me to stick it?”
Two young guys appear in court
A frog in a trap
24.
Three men are traveling on a ship, when they are accosted by the Devil.
The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man’s slave.
If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up.
The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets eaten.
The second drops an expensive watch, trying to impress the Devil, and gets eaten.
The third man fills a bottle with water and pours it into the sea yelling,
“You think I’m a fool? Try finding that!”
The brand new blonde waitress
God asks the nun
Three men are traveling on a ship, when they are accosted by the Devil.
The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man’s slave.
If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up.
The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets eaten.
The second drops an expensive watch, trying to impress the Devil, and gets eaten.
The third man fills a bottle with water and pours it into the sea yelling,
“You think I’m a fool? Try finding that!”
The brand new blonde waitress
God asks the nun
25.
A teacher asks a student:
“What kind of woman would you like to be with when you’re all grown up?”
“A woman like the moon!” Answers the kid.
“That’s beautiful,” breathes the teacher, “what a choice! Because you’d like her to be beautiful and radiant like the moon?”
“No, I’d like her to appear at night and disappear come morning!”
Three nuns who had recently died
Two Irish nuns have just arrived
A teacher asks a student:
“What kind of woman would you like to be with when you’re all grown up?”
“A woman like the moon!” Answers the kid.
“That’s beautiful,” breathes the teacher, “what a choice! Because you’d like her to be beautiful and radiant like the moon?”
“No, I’d like her to appear at night and disappear come morning!”
Three nuns who had recently died
Two Irish nuns have just arrived
26.
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory. Fearful that they may be developing early signs of dementia, Alzheimers, or the like, they speed off to their doctor.
The doctor gives them a thorough examination and says, “Honestly, you are both in great shape and should take pride in your physical fitness.
Go home, relax a little, and if you’re still having trouble with your memories, just try to write things down so you can’t forget.”
Gleefully returning home with fears of permanent memory loss behind them, the couple decides to celebrate with a movie. In the middle of the movie, the older gentleman makes a move for the kitchen.
“Where are you going?” asks the wife
“Just going to grab some vanilla ice cream,” replies the husband
“Oh, grab me some too, then!” The man nodes his head in affirmation and begins his walk towards the kitchen.
“Shouldn’t you write it down like the doctor recommended?”
“It’s just some vanilla ice cream, I can remember.”
“In that case, throw some whipped cream and a cherry on top, why don’t ya?” The wife added Again the man nodded in affirmation and began walking towards the kitchen.
“Well shouldn’t you write it down?”
“It’s just some vanilla ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top, I’ve got it,” the man replies growing weary of this conversation.
He is in the kitchen banging around for roughly 15 minutes and returns with two plates of steaming hot bacon and eggs. The wife looks at him utterly befuddled and says,
“Well hey, you forgot my toast!”
There was once a small town
A Texas State trooper pulled a car
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory. Fearful that they may be developing early signs of dementia, Alzheimers, or the like, they speed off to their doctor.
The doctor gives them a thorough examination and says, “Honestly, you are both in great shape and should take pride in your physical fitness.
Go home, relax a little, and if you’re still having trouble with your memories, just try to write things down so you can’t forget.”
Gleefully returning home with fears of permanent memory loss behind them, the couple decides to celebrate with a movie. In the middle of the movie, the older gentleman makes a move for the kitchen.
“Where are you going?” asks the wife
“Just going to grab some vanilla ice cream,” replies the husband
“Oh, grab me some too, then!” The man nodes his head in affirmation and begins his walk towards the kitchen.
“Shouldn’t you write it down like the doctor recommended?”
“It’s just some vanilla ice cream, I can remember.”
“In that case, throw some whipped cream and a cherry on top, why don’t ya?” The wife added Again the man nodded in affirmation and began walking towards the kitchen.
“Well shouldn’t you write it down?”
“It’s just some vanilla ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top, I’ve got it,” the man replies growing weary of this conversation.
He is in the kitchen banging around for roughly 15 minutes and returns with two plates of steaming hot bacon and eggs. The wife looks at him utterly befuddled and says,
“Well hey, you forgot my toast!”
There was once a small town
A Texas State trooper pulled a car
27.
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy.
The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
“Ever have an accident?”
“Nope, nary a one.”
“None? You’ve never had any accidents.”
“Nope. Ain’t had one. Never.”
“Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”
“Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”
Three women friends met for drinks after work
The nights are already cold so sharing the tent
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy.
The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
“Ever have an accident?”
“Nope, nary a one.”
“None? You’ve never had any accidents.”
“Nope. Ain’t had one. Never.”
“Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”
“Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”
Three women friends met for drinks after work
The nights are already cold so sharing the tent
28.
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, “You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?” “What dear?” she asks gently.
“I think you’re bringing me bad luck.”
A German guy lets his wife travel to Paris alone
A broke and depressed guy is looking for a job
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, “You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?” “What dear?” she asks gently.
“I think you’re bringing me bad luck.”
A German guy lets his wife travel to Paris alone
A broke and depressed guy is looking for a job
29.
Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend just past.
The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba’s last date.
“You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type” Faba declared.
“What’s that? What’s do you mean intellectual type?” Mujo asked with curiosity.
“Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and intelligent,” explained Faba to her friend.
Mujo giggles, and asked, “So, how was it?”
“First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie. And then he took me out for a drive.
After all that, he took me to his house. He began an intellectual conversation.
And finally, he took out his manhood.”
“What is this word, ‘manhood’,” Mujo asked, unfamiliar with the clinical terminology.
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator
One knight told his best friend
Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend just past.
The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba’s last date.
“You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type” Faba declared.
“What’s that? What’s do you mean intellectual type?” Mujo asked with curiosity.
“Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and intelligent,” explained Faba to her friend.
Mujo giggles, and asked, “So, how was it?”
“First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie. And then he took me out for a drive.
After all that, he took me to his house. He began an intellectual conversation.
And finally, he took out his manhood.”
“What is this word, ‘manhood’,” Mujo asked, unfamiliar with the clinical terminology.
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator
One knight told his best friend
30.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Atlanta to do a show for the Children’s Hospital.
He didn’t want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car.
A drunken good old boy from Byron got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to his car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”
A man was working on a preacher’s car
The Sleepy Teacher
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Atlanta to do a show for the Children’s Hospital.
He didn’t want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car.
A drunken good old boy from Byron got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to his car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”
A man was working on a preacher’s car
The Sleepy Teacher
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Eng Jokes