1.
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.”
So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.”
The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender.
Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money.
So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender.
“What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender.
“Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl
Two men died and went to Heaven
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.”
So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.”
The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender.
Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money.
So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender.
“What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender.
“Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl
Two men died and went to Heaven
2.
The teacher was teaching the kids about starvation.
Being a good teacher,she decided to call on selected students to draw a picture of starvation on the board.
Sue went first, she drew a round circle with three little lines in the middle of the circle.
The teacher said, “That’s very good Sue. What is it?”
Sue said, “That’s a plate with only three carrot sticks to eat, I think that… represents starvation.”
Next went Dan, he drew a round circle with 3 dots in the middle.
The teacher said, “That’s good Dan. What is it?”
Dan said, “That’s a plate with only 3 peas to eat. I think that represents starvation.”
Johnny went next. He drew a picture of a round circle with little squiggly lines all over in the circle.
The teacher said, “That’s good Johnny. What is it?”
Johnny said, “That’s an backside with cobwebs……..
If that isn’t starvation, I don’t know what is.
Once there were three men
Steve got a job as a lumberjack
The teacher was teaching the kids about starvation.
Being a good teacher,she decided to call on selected students to draw a picture of starvation on the board.
Sue went first, she drew a round circle with three little lines in the middle of the circle.
The teacher said, “That’s very good Sue. What is it?”
Sue said, “That’s a plate with only three carrot sticks to eat, I think that… represents starvation.”
Next went Dan, he drew a round circle with 3 dots in the middle.
The teacher said, “That’s good Dan. What is it?”
Dan said, “That’s a plate with only 3 peas to eat. I think that represents starvation.”
Johnny went next. He drew a picture of a round circle with little squiggly lines all over in the circle.
The teacher said, “That’s good Johnny. What is it?”
Johnny said, “That’s an backside with cobwebs……..
If that isn’t starvation, I don’t know what is.
Once there were three men
Steve got a job as a lumberjack
3.
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol.
At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee.
“I’m out of petrol,” the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
”Try it now,” said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
“Wow,” the man exclaimed.
“What did you put in my petrol tank?”
“BP,” answered the bee.
3 guys crash land on an island
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol.
At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee.
“I’m out of petrol,” the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
”Try it now,” said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
“Wow,” the man exclaimed.
“What did you put in my petrol tank?”
“BP,” answered the bee.
3 guys crash land on an island
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing
4.
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding…
Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license, please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk
.Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you, ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
I just made this one up
An estranged father take his teenage daughter
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding…
Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license, please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk
.Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you, ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
I just made this one up
An estranged father take his teenage daughter
5.
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38 meaning, repent and be baptized…!”
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks.
The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar, “I thought she said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
He was met at the Pearly Gates
Three older ladies were discussing
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38 meaning, repent and be baptized…!”
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks.
The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar, “I thought she said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
He was met at the Pearly Gates
Three older ladies were discussing
6.
A woman was out driving when she stalled at a red light.
Hard though she tried, she was unable to restart the engine and soon a long queue began to form.
The male driver immediately behind her was particularly impatient, sounding his horn continuously.
Finally she got out of her car, went over to the driver behind and said:
“I can’t seem to get my car started. Would you be a sweetheart and see if you can get it started for me? I’ll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you!”
A man walked into an insurance office
A little old lady tried to phone
A woman was out driving when she stalled at a red light.
Hard though she tried, she was unable to restart the engine and soon a long queue began to form.
The male driver immediately behind her was particularly impatient, sounding his horn continuously.
Finally she got out of her car, went over to the driver behind and said:
“I can’t seem to get my car started. Would you be a sweetheart and see if you can get it started for me? I’ll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you!”
A man walked into an insurance office
A little old lady tried to phone
7.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Alberta we settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney his first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart now it’s my turn.
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up you can have the duck.”
He dialed the employee’s home
A woman was at her hairdresser’s
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Alberta we settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney his first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart now it’s my turn.
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up you can have the duck.”
He dialed the employee’s home
A woman was at her hairdresser’s
8.
An elderly couple was driving across the country.
While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman then gave the officer her license.
“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said.
“I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”
Two women were playing golf
A Elderly Cowboy Slim Joe
An elderly couple was driving across the country.
While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman then gave the officer her license.
“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said.
“I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”
Two women were playing golf
A Elderly Cowboy Slim Joe
9.
A reverend awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard.
He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it.
He called the sanitation department, the health department and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.
In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done.
The mayor asked, “Why bother me? “You’re a clergyman. It’s your job to bury the dead.”
Jack Falls Apart
A few months after his parents were divorced
A reverend awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard.
He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it.
He called the sanitation department, the health department and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.
In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done.
The mayor asked, “Why bother me? “You’re a clergyman. It’s your job to bury the dead.”
Jack Falls Apart
A few months after his parents were divorced
10.
Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road.
One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens.
“Chickens, eh?” says his friend.
“Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”
“Heck,” says the guy with the bag.
“You guess right, I’ll give you both of ’em.”
“Um…five?”
A priest and a rabbi
A customer in a restaurant
Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road.
One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens.
“Chickens, eh?” says his friend.
“Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”
“Heck,” says the guy with the bag.
“You guess right, I’ll give you both of ’em.”
“Um…five?”
A priest and a rabbi
A customer in a restaurant
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11.
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
“What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a whole 31 days.”
The bartender thought about this for a while.
“But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked the bartender.
“Yeah, except today is the last night,” he muttered.
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag
A group of frogs was traveling through
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
“What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a whole 31 days.”
The bartender thought about this for a while.
“But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked the bartender.
“Yeah, except today is the last night,” he muttered.
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag
A group of frogs was traveling through
12.
A kangaroo at the zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.
Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.
He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.
He was out again the next morning.
A twenty-foot fence was put up.
Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,
“How high do you think they’ll go?”
The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks to lock the gate at night
I wanted to pick up a few more tennis balls
A guy is eating breakfast with his wife
A kangaroo at the zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.
Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.
He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.
He was out again the next morning.
A twenty-foot fence was put up.
Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,
“How high do you think they’ll go?”
The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks to lock the gate at night
I wanted to pick up a few more tennis balls
A guy is eating breakfast with his wife
13.
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
“Morris, pack your bags. …. I won the lottery!
The husband says, ‘Oh my God!
“What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
“Doesn’t matter to me,” she says.
“Just get the hell out.”
The first day of their Honeymoon
A Dad and a Son were watching TV
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
“Morris, pack your bags. …. I won the lottery!
The husband says, ‘Oh my God!
“What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
“Doesn’t matter to me,” she says.
“Just get the hell out.”
The first day of their Honeymoon
A Dad and a Son were watching TV
14.
A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk.
He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk. He says,’Open the vault skank’.
The woman says, ‘Sir, this is a seed bank.
We don’t have any money here’.
The man says, ‘Open the vault right now or i’m going to blow your bang head off’. She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said, ‘Take out one of those jars’.
The woman said, ‘please sir, i promise you we don’t have any money here.
This is a seed bank’.
The man said, ‘Take out one of those jars right now or ill blow your bang head off’.
The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said, ‘Take lid off and swallow it’.
She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying, ‘Sir, this is seed.
Please, i’m not drinking seed.
We don’t have any money here. Please leave’.
The man says, ‘Take the lid off and drink it or ill blow your bang head off’.
So the woman’s takes off the lid and kicks it back real quick and swallows it with little to no problem then turns to look back at the man and to her amazement he took off the mask and it was her husband.
He looked at her and said, ‘See! It’s not that bang difficult is it’.
A guy goes on to a ship
Girl melons got one size bigger
A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk.
He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk. He says,’Open the vault skank’.
The woman says, ‘Sir, this is a seed bank.
We don’t have any money here’.
The man says, ‘Open the vault right now or i’m going to blow your bang head off’. She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said, ‘Take out one of those jars’.
The woman said, ‘please sir, i promise you we don’t have any money here.
This is a seed bank’.
The man said, ‘Take out one of those jars right now or ill blow your bang head off’.
The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said, ‘Take lid off and swallow it’.
She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying, ‘Sir, this is seed.
Please, i’m not drinking seed.
We don’t have any money here. Please leave’.
The man says, ‘Take the lid off and drink it or ill blow your bang head off’.
So the woman’s takes off the lid and kicks it back real quick and swallows it with little to no problem then turns to look back at the man and to her amazement he took off the mask and it was her husband.
He looked at her and said, ‘See! It’s not that bang difficult is it’.
A guy goes on to a ship
Girl melons got one size bigger
15.
Three men are walking in a desert when they stumble across a wizard next to a magical slide
‘Slide down this ride shout out the name of your favorite drink’ the wizard commands
The three men question his logic but never the less the first man climbs to the top of the slide and begins to slide down
‘Coke’ the man shouts and to his amazement he winds up in a pool of coke
The second man is already at the top as he slides down he yells ‘Fanta’ and he too ends up in a pool of his favorite beverage.
The last man is up at the top of the slide is is a lot dumber then his comrades and is known for being idiotic sooooo when he is sliding down forgetting about what he is doing and enjoying himself he screams ‘weeeeeeeeeee’
Splash!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well I don’t know what you were expecting
A husband and wife were out playing golf
After intense partying with their friends
Three men are walking in a desert when they stumble across a wizard next to a magical slide
‘Slide down this ride shout out the name of your favorite drink’ the wizard commands
The three men question his logic but never the less the first man climbs to the top of the slide and begins to slide down
‘Coke’ the man shouts and to his amazement he winds up in a pool of coke
The second man is already at the top as he slides down he yells ‘Fanta’ and he too ends up in a pool of his favorite beverage.
The last man is up at the top of the slide is is a lot dumber then his comrades and is known for being idiotic sooooo when he is sliding down forgetting about what he is doing and enjoying himself he screams ‘weeeeeeeeeee’
Splash!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well I don’t know what you were expecting
A husband and wife were out playing golf
After intense partying with their friends
16.
A waiter takes an order from a customer who requests half a Caesar salad.
The waiter responds, “Well, we offer a small and a large. Would you like the small?”
The customer replies, “No, I don’t want a small or a large. I want half a Caesar salad. Why is that so difficult?”
The waiter says, “Alright… let me check with the chef.”
He heads toward the kitchen, unaware that the customer has left his table and is following closely behind.
Reaching the kitchen, the waiter tells the chef, “There’s a guy out there asking for half a Caesar salad…” He points toward the dining area with his palm, only to realize the customer is standing right behind him.
“And this distinguished gentleman,” the waiter quickly adds, “would like the other half.”
The owner of a company tells his employees
A little girl received a tea
A waiter takes an order from a customer who requests half a Caesar salad.
The waiter responds, “Well, we offer a small and a large. Would you like the small?”
The customer replies, “No, I don’t want a small or a large. I want half a Caesar salad. Why is that so difficult?”
The waiter says, “Alright… let me check with the chef.”
He heads toward the kitchen, unaware that the customer has left his table and is following closely behind.
Reaching the kitchen, the waiter tells the chef, “There’s a guy out there asking for half a Caesar salad…” He points toward the dining area with his palm, only to realize the customer is standing right behind him.
“And this distinguished gentleman,” the waiter quickly adds, “would like the other half.”
The owner of a company tells his employees
A little girl received a tea
17.
An old man is walking along the street one morning, feeling hungry.
He sees a sign in the window of a restaurant that says, “Try our Exotic Breakfast now”
So he walks in and sits down at a table.
The waitress comes over and asks what he wants.
The old man asks, “What’s your Exotic Breakfast?”
“Baked tongue of chicken,” she proudly replies.
The old man shouts, “Baked tongue of chicken! Have you any idea how disgusting that is? I’d never even think about eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth! Urgh!!”
The waitress is a little taken aback, but stays calm and asks him, “No problem, sir. What would you prefer, then?”
The old man says, “Just bring me some scrambled eggs.”
A man is getting into the shower
A mother mouse and a baby mouse
An old man is walking along the street one morning, feeling hungry.
He sees a sign in the window of a restaurant that says, “Try our Exotic Breakfast now”
So he walks in and sits down at a table.
The waitress comes over and asks what he wants.
The old man asks, “What’s your Exotic Breakfast?”
“Baked tongue of chicken,” she proudly replies.
The old man shouts, “Baked tongue of chicken! Have you any idea how disgusting that is? I’d never even think about eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth! Urgh!!”
The waitress is a little taken aback, but stays calm and asks him, “No problem, sir. What would you prefer, then?”
The old man says, “Just bring me some scrambled eggs.”
A man is getting into the shower
A mother mouse and a baby mouse
18.
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.
The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.
He told Dispatch, “Don’t worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!”
In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
One of the cops asked the old man, “I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them.”
The old man replied, “I thought you said, there weren’t any officers available.”
A very elderly couple
A woman came home from work late
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.
The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.
He told Dispatch, “Don’t worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!”
In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
One of the cops asked the old man, “I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them.”
The old man replied, “I thought you said, there weren’t any officers available.”
A very elderly couple
A woman came home from work late
19.
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom.”
A couple returns from their honeymoon
A elderly couple sitting down to lunch
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom.”
A couple returns from their honeymoon
A elderly couple sitting down to lunch
20.
The junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains.
Neither one could account for his trouble.
Arriving home from work one night, he informed her.
“I finally discovered why I’ve been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I’ve been sitting in the wastebasket.”
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single
A elderly man who sold flowers in a small town
The junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains.
Neither one could account for his trouble.
Arriving home from work one night, he informed her.
“I finally discovered why I’ve been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I’ve been sitting in the wastebasket.”
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single
A elderly man who sold flowers in a small town
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21.
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.
On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, “Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?”
“Why do you want me to throw them at you?”
“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”
“Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy.”
“But why?”
“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.”
A elderly man goes into confession
little Timmy made a wish that Santa
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.
On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, “Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?”
“Why do you want me to throw them at you?”
“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”
“Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy.”
“But why?”
“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.”
A elderly man goes into confession
little Timmy made a wish that Santa
22.
A couple was walking down their street in Christmas Eve, enjoying the lights, when suddenly…
…they feel a little precipitation.
The man says, “I think it’s raining, we should go back home.”
The woman says, “No, I think it’s snowing.”
The couple argues about this for a few minutes.
The woman looks around and sees a communist officer wandering around that street. “Let’s ask that communist officer.”
So the couple walks over. “Officer Rudolph, sir, is it raining or snowing?”
“Definitely raining,” says Officer Rudolph.
The man turned to his wife, grinning, and says, “See, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
A German officer watches over his outpost
One day, a park ranger stopped by my house
A couple was walking down their street in Christmas Eve, enjoying the lights, when suddenly…
…they feel a little precipitation.
The man says, “I think it’s raining, we should go back home.”
The woman says, “No, I think it’s snowing.”
The couple argues about this for a few minutes.
The woman looks around and sees a communist officer wandering around that street. “Let’s ask that communist officer.”
So the couple walks over. “Officer Rudolph, sir, is it raining or snowing?”
“Definitely raining,” says Officer Rudolph.
The man turned to his wife, grinning, and says, “See, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
A German officer watches over his outpost
One day, a park ranger stopped by my house
23.
A woman was cutting her husband’s thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack.
She offered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities.
“It has more vitamin C than an orange,” she remarked.
“And more hair than Dad,” added their son.
The Beggar & The Guru
The two were at the same table
A woman was cutting her husband’s thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack.
She offered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities.
“It has more vitamin C than an orange,” she remarked.
“And more hair than Dad,” added their son.
The Beggar & The Guru
The two were at the same table
24.
Husband: I won’t be able to sleep afterward.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: If you love me you’d be more considerate.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Yes I do, but let’s forget it for tonight.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Alright, I’ll do it.
Wife: What’s the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can’t find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven’s sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that’s fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
A husband and wife are in bed
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church
Husband: I won’t be able to sleep afterward.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: If you love me you’d be more considerate.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Yes I do, but let’s forget it for tonight.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Alright, I’ll do it.
Wife: What’s the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can’t find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven’s sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that’s fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
A husband and wife are in bed
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church
25.
A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture.
Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground.
But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating.
When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, and start eating again.
A bit later, one cow looks up just in time to see a tornado tearing through the pasture fence.
The tornado knocks the cows every which way, but the bulls just rock back and forth as they are buffeted.
When the cows get back on their feet and pick the straw out of their hide, they all walk over to the bulls.
One cow says, “Why do we cows get knocked over by wind but you bulls keep standing?”
The two bulls laugh and reply, “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”
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A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture.
Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground.
But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating.
When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, and start eating again.
A bit later, one cow looks up just in time to see a tornado tearing through the pasture fence.
The tornado knocks the cows every which way, but the bulls just rock back and forth as they are buffeted.
When the cows get back on their feet and pick the straw out of their hide, they all walk over to the bulls.
One cow says, “Why do we cows get knocked over by wind but you bulls keep standing?”
The two bulls laugh and reply, “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”
A dog and a cat were having an argument
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store
26.
When Pat and Mike met each other on the street one day, Pat noticed that Mike had a terrible cold.
“Have you seen a doctor about that cold?” he asked.
“No,” said Mike, “But I probably should do you know a good doctor?”
Pat gave him the name of his own doctor and assured him that he’d be in good hands.
About a week later, they met again and Pat wasn’t sure if the cold was really better.
“Did you see my doctor?” Pat inquired.
“Oh, yeah,” Mike replied.
He was a really nice guy!
“Well, did he give you something to help your cold”?
“Sure did!” Mike answered, somewhat enthusiastically.
“He told me to drink a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath.”
“Well, did it help?” Pat asked hesitantly.
“How do I know?” Mike retorted.
“I haven’t even finished drinking the bath yet!”
A teacher from Primary School
Girl taunts old man
When Pat and Mike met each other on the street one day, Pat noticed that Mike had a terrible cold.
“Have you seen a doctor about that cold?” he asked.
“No,” said Mike, “But I probably should do you know a good doctor?”
Pat gave him the name of his own doctor and assured him that he’d be in good hands.
About a week later, they met again and Pat wasn’t sure if the cold was really better.
“Did you see my doctor?” Pat inquired.
“Oh, yeah,” Mike replied.
He was a really nice guy!
“Well, did he give you something to help your cold”?
“Sure did!” Mike answered, somewhat enthusiastically.
“He told me to drink a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath.”
“Well, did it help?” Pat asked hesitantly.
“How do I know?” Mike retorted.
“I haven’t even finished drinking the bath yet!”
A teacher from Primary School
Girl taunts old man
27.
A man was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed the following question to his wife of 20 years, “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”
She answered, “Of course I will. I’ve already been doing it for the past 5 years haven’t I?”
A husband look at his wife one day and said
The husband was falling asleep
A man was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed the following question to his wife of 20 years, “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”
She answered, “Of course I will. I’ve already been doing it for the past 5 years haven’t I?”
A husband look at his wife one day and said
The husband was falling asleep
28.
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter found a boyfriend.
Being a protective father that he is, he starts interrogating her about the mystery guy.
“Did he finish college?” he asked.
“Yes, Dad. In fact, he was always top of his class,” replied the proud girl.
“Well, does he have a decent job?” he asked further.
“But of course!” she said.
“Given his good fortune, does he give to charity?” asked the curious dad.
To which the daughter replied, “He is the most generous person I’ve ever known. In fact, many people think the same.”
“That’s great, Emily! I can’t wait to meet this guy,” he said finally.
Emily smiled at him and said, “Oh you know him, Dad. He’s the priest at our Church!”
A ship captain was alerted
A man goes to a female dentist
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter found a boyfriend.
Being a protective father that he is, he starts interrogating her about the mystery guy.
“Did he finish college?” he asked.
“Yes, Dad. In fact, he was always top of his class,” replied the proud girl.
“Well, does he have a decent job?” he asked further.
“But of course!” she said.
“Given his good fortune, does he give to charity?” asked the curious dad.
To which the daughter replied, “He is the most generous person I’ve ever known. In fact, many people think the same.”
“That’s great, Emily! I can’t wait to meet this guy,” he said finally.
Emily smiled at him and said, “Oh you know him, Dad. He’s the priest at our Church!”
A ship captain was alerted
A man goes to a female dentist
29.
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.
He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.”
So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him,
“Mr College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.”
The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time.
The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air.
While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground.
The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.”
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse.
He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm.
Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse throw open the door and asks,
“Ma, are you all right?”
As she pulls up her panties she says, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!”
Two guys are driving along in a car
A man was riding on a full bus
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.
He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.”
So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him,
“Mr College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.”
The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time.
The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air.
While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground.
The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.”
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse.
He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm.
Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse throw open the door and asks,
“Ma, are you all right?”
As she pulls up her panties she says, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!”
Two guys are driving along in a car
A man was riding on a full bus
30.
Only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man, “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners, straight from California.”
“Go away!” said the old lady, “I haven’t got any money to spend on things like that!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty!”
He said at least wait until you’ve seen my demonstration.
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder, cross my heart.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Wait here while I go get a spoon.
I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
A police officer stopped a motorist
Atheist Is Attacked By A Bear
Only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man, “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners, straight from California.”
“Go away!” said the old lady, “I haven’t got any money to spend on things like that!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty!”
He said at least wait until you’ve seen my demonstration.
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder, cross my heart.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Wait here while I go get a spoon.
I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
A police officer stopped a motorist
Atheist Is Attacked By A Bear
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