1.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I can only sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A blonde goes to the local bar
A lawyer defending a man accused
A blonde was trying to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I can only sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A blonde goes to the local bar
A lawyer defending a man accused
2.
Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
“Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.
I know you’re about my age
How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really! Like a newborn baby?”
“Yep No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants”
A young caveman
Bill Gates goes to purgatory
Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
“Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.
I know you’re about my age
How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really! Like a newborn baby?”
“Yep No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants”
A young caveman
Bill Gates goes to purgatory
3.
The animals of the forest are having a meeting.
For months on end, there was one big party and the forest looks like the end of spring break. Vomit everywhere, empty bottles and trash on every clearing.
They agreed that this can’t go on and voted to go tea total.
The bear was elected sheriff and tasked to control the others.
First day he makes his round.
The fox is sober, so are the wolf and the deer.
The rabbit is missing.
After some search, the rabbit was found pis$ed in his burrow.
The bear gave him a lecture and threatened to kick him out of the forest should be be found drunk again.
Next day, the usual round.
All animals are sober, rabbit missing.
Again, found drunk in his burrow.
The bear gives him one last chance.
Next day all is well, but the rabbit is again missing.
After a long search, the bear takes a break at the lake.
He sees a straw stick out of the water and smells a strong wiff of vodka.
He grabs the straw, pulls it out of the water and is astonished to find the rabbit hanging on to that straw.
He was hiding under water, drunk as never before.
The bear shouts: That’s it, you are out! We animals of the forest took a pledge to quit drinking!
The rabbit squints, burps and answers: Us fish never took no pledge! Leave me alone!
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town
A elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop
The animals of the forest are having a meeting.
For months on end, there was one big party and the forest looks like the end of spring break. Vomit everywhere, empty bottles and trash on every clearing.
They agreed that this can’t go on and voted to go tea total.
The bear was elected sheriff and tasked to control the others.
First day he makes his round.
The fox is sober, so are the wolf and the deer.
The rabbit is missing.
After some search, the rabbit was found pis$ed in his burrow.
The bear gave him a lecture and threatened to kick him out of the forest should be be found drunk again.
Next day, the usual round.
All animals are sober, rabbit missing.
Again, found drunk in his burrow.
The bear gives him one last chance.
Next day all is well, but the rabbit is again missing.
After a long search, the bear takes a break at the lake.
He sees a straw stick out of the water and smells a strong wiff of vodka.
He grabs the straw, pulls it out of the water and is astonished to find the rabbit hanging on to that straw.
He was hiding under water, drunk as never before.
The bear shouts: That’s it, you are out! We animals of the forest took a pledge to quit drinking!
The rabbit squints, burps and answers: Us fish never took no pledge! Leave me alone!
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town
A elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop
4.
Johns tennis elbow was hurting one morning so he decided to go see the doctor.
When he gets to the office he is asked to take a urine test.
He complains about it but finally does it anyway.
About 15 minutes later the doctor called him into the examination room.
“Hey John, that tennis elbow is hurting?” Doctor asked.
“Oh, the receptionist told you about it”? Asked John.
The doctor says “No, no not at all. I bought a new urinalysis machine and it tells me everything.”
“That’s bullshit” says John.
The doctor assures him that it’s true and tells him to take some med and come back in two weeks with another urine sample.
The receptionist give John a specimen cup before he leaves.
Two weeks later John is getting ready to see the doctor but after telling his family about this bullshit machine they decide to play a joke with the old doctor.
John pisses in the cup and so does his wife and teen age daughter, then he jacks off into it.
As he is in the garage he puts a couple drops of oil from his dip stick into the cup and then shakes everything up.
He gets to the office and hands the specimen cup to the receptionist with a big smile on his face.
This time it takes 30 minutes for the doctor to call him and the doctor looks very upset when he calls him.
The second the get into the room the doctor says “Alright bastard, your daughters pregnant, your wife has VD, your cars about to throw a rod and if you don’t stop jacking off your tennis elbow is never going to heal.”
Two guys were working at a sawmill
A man hires a blonde to paint stripes
Johns tennis elbow was hurting one morning so he decided to go see the doctor.
When he gets to the office he is asked to take a urine test.
He complains about it but finally does it anyway.
About 15 minutes later the doctor called him into the examination room.
“Hey John, that tennis elbow is hurting?” Doctor asked.
“Oh, the receptionist told you about it”? Asked John.
The doctor says “No, no not at all. I bought a new urinalysis machine and it tells me everything.”
“That’s bullshit” says John.
The doctor assures him that it’s true and tells him to take some med and come back in two weeks with another urine sample.
The receptionist give John a specimen cup before he leaves.
Two weeks later John is getting ready to see the doctor but after telling his family about this bullshit machine they decide to play a joke with the old doctor.
John pisses in the cup and so does his wife and teen age daughter, then he jacks off into it.
As he is in the garage he puts a couple drops of oil from his dip stick into the cup and then shakes everything up.
He gets to the office and hands the specimen cup to the receptionist with a big smile on his face.
This time it takes 30 minutes for the doctor to call him and the doctor looks very upset when he calls him.
The second the get into the room the doctor says “Alright bastard, your daughters pregnant, your wife has VD, your cars about to throw a rod and if you don’t stop jacking off your tennis elbow is never going to heal.”
Two guys were working at a sawmill
A man hires a blonde to paint stripes
5.
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention.
Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.
One said to the other three,
“People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears
but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.”
The others agreed.
Then one said,
“Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time right now to hear each other out?”
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed,
“I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.”
The second psychiatrist said,
“I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever
I can so I can buy the things I want.”
The third followed with,
“I’m involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.”
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed,
“I know I’m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep a secret…”
There’s this dad who is trying to get his daughter
A man and a woman, who had never met before
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention.
Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.
One said to the other three,
“People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears
but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.”
The others agreed.
Then one said,
“Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time right now to hear each other out?”
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed,
“I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.”
The second psychiatrist said,
“I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever
I can so I can buy the things I want.”
The third followed with,
“I’m involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.”
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed,
“I know I’m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep a secret…”
There’s this dad who is trying to get his daughter
A man and a woman, who had never met before
6.
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father
7.
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to.
The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked.
She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming.
All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her.
This took everyone by surprise.
The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, “My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.”
A doctor had just finished a marathon
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to.
The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked.
She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming.
All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her.
This took everyone by surprise.
The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, “My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.”
A doctor had just finished a marathon
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor
8.
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand,
he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week
Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays… But I fish on Fridays.”
God Will Save Me
A beautiful redhead
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand,
he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week
Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays… But I fish on Fridays.”
God Will Save Me
A beautiful redhead
9.
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat at the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
The bartender approached and told him: “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replied: “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each me brothers and one for me self.”
The bartender admitted that this was a fine tradition, and left it there.
The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way: He ordered three pints and drank them in turn.
One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars took notice and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said: “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The Irishman looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explained.
“It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
A woman hired a contractor to repaint
Three nuns who had recently died
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat at the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
The bartender approached and told him: “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replied: “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each me brothers and one for me self.”
The bartender admitted that this was a fine tradition, and left it there.
The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way: He ordered three pints and drank them in turn.
One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars took notice and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said: “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The Irishman looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explained.
“It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
A woman hired a contractor to repaint
Three nuns who had recently died
10.
A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types “my tool”.
As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysterics.
The laptop had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
A old man and his grand daughter were sitting
A husband and wife were sitting
A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types “my tool”.
As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysterics.
The laptop had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
A old man and his grand daughter were sitting
A husband and wife were sitting
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11.
A young man walks into a supermarket and buys a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste, a loaf of bread, a container of milk, two boxes of cereal and a frozen dinner.
The girl at the cash register looks at him and says “Single, huh?”
The man replies very sarcastically, “How did you guess?”
She replies, “because you’re ugly.”
A Swedish truck driver once got stuck in a tunnel in Norway.
Soon a Norwegian came by the tunnel and found out that the truck was wedged in with the load stuck against the ceiling.
The Norwegian suggested that the Swede let the air out of the tires.
The Swede looked angrily at him, “You moron! The truck is stuck up on top.”
The disciple asked the master
A hungry Wolf
A young man walks into a supermarket and buys a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste, a loaf of bread, a container of milk, two boxes of cereal and a frozen dinner.
The girl at the cash register looks at him and says “Single, huh?”
The man replies very sarcastically, “How did you guess?”
She replies, “because you’re ugly.”
A Swedish truck driver once got stuck in a tunnel in Norway.
Soon a Norwegian came by the tunnel and found out that the truck was wedged in with the load stuck against the ceiling.
The Norwegian suggested that the Swede let the air out of the tires.
The Swede looked angrily at him, “You moron! The truck is stuck up on top.”
The disciple asked the master
A hungry Wolf
12.
A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at a table with a tiny man playing a tiny piano.
“Hey, where’d you get that?” The man asks.
The sitting man pulls a lamp from his pocket and tells him to rub it and wish for anything he wants.
“Be sure to speak slowly and clearly,” The man warns.
After a second to think, the guy rubs the lamps and a genie pops out.
The man screams at the genie in excitement, “I want a million bucks!”
Suddenly, Poof, a million birds appear in the bar.
“I said I wanted a million BUCKS, not DUCKS!”
The little girl is asking her mother
Two old couples got together
A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at a table with a tiny man playing a tiny piano.
“Hey, where’d you get that?” The man asks.
The sitting man pulls a lamp from his pocket and tells him to rub it and wish for anything he wants.
“Be sure to speak slowly and clearly,” The man warns.
After a second to think, the guy rubs the lamps and a genie pops out.
The man screams at the genie in excitement, “I want a million bucks!”
Suddenly, Poof, a million birds appear in the bar.
“I said I wanted a million BUCKS, not DUCKS!”
The little girl is asking her mother
Two old couples got together
13.
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.
After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch watched the turtle with pain.
Suddenly the female bird says to the male, “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”
Three Guys Go In For A Job Interview
Little Johnny is constantly late for school
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.
After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch watched the turtle with pain.
Suddenly the female bird says to the male, “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”
Three Guys Go In For A Job Interview
Little Johnny is constantly late for school
14.
As a group of frogs was traveling through the woods, two of them fell into a deep pit.
When the other frogs crowded around the pit and saw how deep it was, they told the two frogs that there was no hope left for them.
However, the two frogs decided to ignore what the others were saying and they proceeded to try and jump out of the pit.
Despite their efforts, the group of frogs at the top of the pit were still saying that they should just give up.
That they would never make it out.
Eventually, one of the frogs took heed to what the others were saying and he gave up, falling down to his death.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die.
He jumped even harder and finally made it out.
When he got out, the other frogs said, “Did you not hear us?”
The frog explained to them that he was deaf.
He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
Moral of the story: People’s words can have a big effect on others’ lives. Think about what you say before it comes out of your mouth.
This guy come into a bar and asks bartender
A new captain becomes leader of a company
As a group of frogs was traveling through the woods, two of them fell into a deep pit.
When the other frogs crowded around the pit and saw how deep it was, they told the two frogs that there was no hope left for them.
However, the two frogs decided to ignore what the others were saying and they proceeded to try and jump out of the pit.
Despite their efforts, the group of frogs at the top of the pit were still saying that they should just give up.
That they would never make it out.
Eventually, one of the frogs took heed to what the others were saying and he gave up, falling down to his death.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die.
He jumped even harder and finally made it out.
When he got out, the other frogs said, “Did you not hear us?”
The frog explained to them that he was deaf.
He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
Moral of the story: People’s words can have a big effect on others’ lives. Think about what you say before it comes out of your mouth.
This guy come into a bar and asks bartender
A new captain becomes leader of a company
15.
An old lady comes in for her medical check-up:
“Doctor Ribbit, you remember how you warned me that I should avoid going up and down stairs as much as I can?”
“Yes,” agrees the doctor,
“the last X-rays made that very clear Mrs. Jenkins.”
“You know, I’m not sure it was such a great idea doctor… I have to say all that climbing up and down the rainwater down pipe is becoming quite hard!”
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
A man is playing with a stray dog
An old lady comes in for her medical check-up:
“Doctor Ribbit, you remember how you warned me that I should avoid going up and down stairs as much as I can?”
“Yes,” agrees the doctor,
“the last X-rays made that very clear Mrs. Jenkins.”
“You know, I’m not sure it was such a great idea doctor… I have to say all that climbing up and down the rainwater down pipe is becoming quite hard!”
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
A man is playing with a stray dog
16.
Little Sally asked her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block, he told her no because Fluffy was in heat.
Little Sally says what does in heat mean?
Without any explanation her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it and told her to go around the block and come back straight home.
When she returned she was alone. Her dad asks; where is Fluffy?
Little Sally says, Fluffy ran out of gas a few blocks back and another dog is pushing her home.
John and his wife are getting ready for bed
A mother found a candy bar wrapper
Little Sally asked her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block, he told her no because Fluffy was in heat.
Little Sally says what does in heat mean?
Without any explanation her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it and told her to go around the block and come back straight home.
When she returned she was alone. Her dad asks; where is Fluffy?
Little Sally says, Fluffy ran out of gas a few blocks back and another dog is pushing her home.
John and his wife are getting ready for bed
A mother found a candy bar wrapper
17.
A man and his wife arrive from a business trip and go to his favorite steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town.
The waiter sits them and says, “Our special today is duck or shrimp.”
The man replies, “I want a T-bone steak medium-well.”
The waiter, a bit miffed continues, “What about the mad cow?”
The man looks at the waiter and says, “She can order for herself.”
A father is talking to his son about girls
Susie asks her mummy
A man and his wife arrive from a business trip and go to his favorite steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town.
The waiter sits them and says, “Our special today is duck or shrimp.”
The man replies, “I want a T-bone steak medium-well.”
The waiter, a bit miffed continues, “What about the mad cow?”
The man looks at the waiter and says, “She can order for herself.”
A father is talking to his son about girls
Susie asks her mummy
18.
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven.
The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.
The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”.
The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men.
Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says ” I know we are dead but it could be much worse”.
The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
3 Archers are competing at a contest
Three construction workers where sitting on the bridge
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven.
The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.
The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”.
The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men.
Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says ” I know we are dead but it could be much worse”.
The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
3 Archers are competing at a contest
Three construction workers where sitting on the bridge
19.
A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
“Hi, is Tony home?”
“No, he went to the store.”, she replies.
“Well, you mind if I wait?”
“No, come in.”
They sit down and the friend says “You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.”
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over. ”
Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen
A young couple were in their honeymoon
A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
“Hi, is Tony home?”
“No, he went to the store.”, she replies.
“Well, you mind if I wait?”
“No, come in.”
They sit down and the friend says “You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.”
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over. ”
Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen
A young couple were in their honeymoon
20.
Little Johnny runs to his dad and says, “Dad, there’s water in the carburetor of the car!”
“How can you be so sure?” the father asks.
“I just know there is,” replies Little Johnny.
“Do you even know what a carburetor is?”
“No,” says Little Johnny.
“OK, where is the car?”
“In the lake.”
Joey goes into a pharmacy
A son challenged his father game of golf
Little Johnny runs to his dad and says, “Dad, there’s water in the carburetor of the car!”
“How can you be so sure?” the father asks.
“I just know there is,” replies Little Johnny.
“Do you even know what a carburetor is?”
“No,” says Little Johnny.
“OK, where is the car?”
“In the lake.”
Joey goes into a pharmacy
A son challenged his father game of golf
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21.
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect.
Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”.
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said.
“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”
A teacher reprimanded the teenager
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect.
Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”.
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said.
“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”
A teacher reprimanded the teenager
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover
22.
The man checked his speed and saw he was going 30mph.
He thought, “Am I crazy, or is this chicken keeping pace with me at 30mph?”
So he sped up 40mph, and to his surprise, the chicken kept running right next to his car.
“This can’t be right.”, the man thought.
“No chicken can run this fast.”
So he sped up to 50mph.
The chicken, amazingly, kept pace with his car the man looked closely at the chicken, and he saw it also had 3 legs.
“A 3 legged chicken, running 50 miles per hour? Am I dreaming? How can this be real?”
So the man sped up to 60mph.
The chicken also sped up and kept pace with his car then, to the man’s astonishment, passed his car and ran a few yards ahead, then suddenly turned hard left down another road without slowing down.
The man hit the brakes, and turned down the road to follow the chicken, but the chicken was out of sight but a little ways down the road, the man saw a farmer out to get his mail.
The man stopped next to the farmer and said, “Hey! Did you just see a 3-legged chicken come tearing down this road at 60 miles per hour?”
The farmer looked at the man and said, “Yup, I saw him he was one of mine.”
“One of yours??”, said the man, incredulous.
“Yup”, said the farmer.
“You see, I raise 3 legged chickens.
I like to eat the drumstick, my wife likes to eat the drumstick, and now our little boy likes to eat the drumstick, so I got tired of us fighting over them and decided to use some selective breeding until I got 3 legged chickens.”
“That’s amazing!”, said the man.
“Well, congratulations on your successful breeding program and how do they taste?”
“Well”, said the farmer.
“I don’t know I’ve never been able to catch one.”
A important race on a new horse
Two nuns were shopping
The man checked his speed and saw he was going 30mph.
He thought, “Am I crazy, or is this chicken keeping pace with me at 30mph?”
So he sped up 40mph, and to his surprise, the chicken kept running right next to his car.
“This can’t be right.”, the man thought.
“No chicken can run this fast.”
So he sped up to 50mph.
The chicken, amazingly, kept pace with his car the man looked closely at the chicken, and he saw it also had 3 legs.
“A 3 legged chicken, running 50 miles per hour? Am I dreaming? How can this be real?”
So the man sped up to 60mph.
The chicken also sped up and kept pace with his car then, to the man’s astonishment, passed his car and ran a few yards ahead, then suddenly turned hard left down another road without slowing down.
The man hit the brakes, and turned down the road to follow the chicken, but the chicken was out of sight but a little ways down the road, the man saw a farmer out to get his mail.
The man stopped next to the farmer and said, “Hey! Did you just see a 3-legged chicken come tearing down this road at 60 miles per hour?”
The farmer looked at the man and said, “Yup, I saw him he was one of mine.”
“One of yours??”, said the man, incredulous.
“Yup”, said the farmer.
“You see, I raise 3 legged chickens.
I like to eat the drumstick, my wife likes to eat the drumstick, and now our little boy likes to eat the drumstick, so I got tired of us fighting over them and decided to use some selective breeding until I got 3 legged chickens.”
“That’s amazing!”, said the man.
“Well, congratulations on your successful breeding program and how do they taste?”
“Well”, said the farmer.
“I don’t know I’ve never been able to catch one.”
A important race on a new horse
Two nuns were shopping
23.
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend,
“My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her.
Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend,
I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.”
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight’s best friend.
He said, “Hey, you gave me the wrong key…!!”
Bob was fixing a door
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend,
“My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her.
Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend,
I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.”
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight’s best friend.
He said, “Hey, you gave me the wrong key…!!”
Bob was fixing a door
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang
24.
One night four college students were out partying late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning, they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt.
Then they went to the Dean and said they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their way back the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back.
So they were in no condition to take the test.
The Dean thought for a minute and said they can have the re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day, they appeared before the Dean.
The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of only 2 questions with the total of 100 Points:
1) Your Name? __________ (1 Points)
2) Which tire burst? __________ (99 Points)
Options – (a) Front Left (b) Front Right (c) Back Left (d) Back Right
A Swedish truck
A king had his men place a boulder
One night four college students were out partying late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning, they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt.
Then they went to the Dean and said they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their way back the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back.
So they were in no condition to take the test.
The Dean thought for a minute and said they can have the re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day, they appeared before the Dean.
The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of only 2 questions with the total of 100 Points:
1) Your Name? __________ (1 Points)
2) Which tire burst? __________ (99 Points)
Options – (a) Front Left (b) Front Right (c) Back Left (d) Back Right
A Swedish truck
A king had his men place a boulder
25.
A high school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.
“What’s the matter son?” asked his mother.
“Aw, gee,” said the boy, “it’s my marks. They’re all wet.”
“What do you mean, ‘all wet’?” she asks.
“I mean,” he replied, “well below C-level.”
John and Tony were in the bar
A blonde goes to the doctor
A high school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.
“What’s the matter son?” asked his mother.
“Aw, gee,” said the boy, “it’s my marks. They’re all wet.”
“What do you mean, ‘all wet’?” she asks.
“I mean,” he replied, “well below C-level.”
John and Tony were in the bar
A blonde goes to the doctor
26.
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot.
Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot.
After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.
The bartender is curious and asks him “every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket.
Why?” The man replies,
“I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home.”
A artist asked the gallery owner
A man went to a gift store
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot.
Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot.
After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.
The bartender is curious and asks him “every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket.
Why?” The man replies,
“I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home.”
A artist asked the gallery owner
A man went to a gift store
27.
Moishe the Carpenter, returning home with his week’s wages, was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street.
“Take my money,” said Moishe, “but do me a favor: shoot a bullet through my hat otherwise my wife won’t believe I was robbed.”
The robber obliged he threw Moi-she’s hat into the air and put a bullet through it.
“Let’s make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers,” said Moishe, “otherwise my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of h*les through my coat.”
So the robber shot a number of h*les through the carpenter’s coat.
“And now?”
“Sorry,” interrupted the robber.
“No more h*les I’m out of bullets.”
“That’s all I wanted to know!” said Moishe.
“Now hand me back my money and some more for the hat and coat that you’ve ruined or I’ll beat you black and blue!”
The robber threw down the money and ran.
Once there was a business executive
A dead donkey in his front yard
Moishe the Carpenter, returning home with his week’s wages, was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street.
“Take my money,” said Moishe, “but do me a favor: shoot a bullet through my hat otherwise my wife won’t believe I was robbed.”
The robber obliged he threw Moi-she’s hat into the air and put a bullet through it.
“Let’s make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers,” said Moishe, “otherwise my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of h*les through my coat.”
So the robber shot a number of h*les through the carpenter’s coat.
“And now?”
“Sorry,” interrupted the robber.
“No more h*les I’m out of bullets.”
“That’s all I wanted to know!” said Moishe.
“Now hand me back my money and some more for the hat and coat that you’ve ruined or I’ll beat you black and blue!”
The robber threw down the money and ran.
Once there was a business executive
A dead donkey in his front yard
28.
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
“Good morning, Ma’am what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is he guy blind or what?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But, Officer, I’m not fishing can’t you see that?”
“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that I will charge you with r*pe,” snaps the irate woman.
“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the Game Warden.
“Yes, that’s true … but you have all the equipment.”
I think you’re bad luck
A little girl whispered to her mother
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
“Good morning, Ma’am what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is he guy blind or what?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But, Officer, I’m not fishing can’t you see that?”
“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that I will charge you with r*pe,” snaps the irate woman.
“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the Game Warden.
“Yes, that’s true … but you have all the equipment.”
I think you’re bad luck
A little girl whispered to her mother
29.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, “let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
Three nuns passed every day through a street
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, “let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
Three nuns passed every day through a street
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
30.
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,
“Are you a little girl or a little boy?”
“I don’t know,” replied the other baby giggling.
“What do you mean, you don’t know?” said the first baby.
“I mean I don’t know how to tell the difference,” was the reply.
“Well, I do,” said the first baby chuckling, “I’ll climb into your crib and find out.”
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby’s crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he said proudly.
“You’re ever so clever,” cooed the baby girl, “but how can you tell?”
“It’s quite easy really,” replied the baby boy,
“You’ve got pink socks and I’ve got blue ones.”
SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
Baby Love, Cup Of Tea & Dad
A man comes home with his little daughter
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,
“Are you a little girl or a little boy?”
“I don’t know,” replied the other baby giggling.
“What do you mean, you don’t know?” said the first baby.
“I mean I don’t know how to tell the difference,” was the reply.
“Well, I do,” said the first baby chuckling, “I’ll climb into your crib and find out.”
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby’s crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he said proudly.
“You’re ever so clever,” cooed the baby girl, “but how can you tell?”
“It’s quite easy really,” replied the baby boy,
“You’ve got pink socks and I’ve got blue ones.”
SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
Baby Love, Cup Of Tea & Dad
A man comes home with his little daughter
Tags:
Eng Jokes