1.
“Brown bears are usually harmless they avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way.”
However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous.
If you see any grizzly bear droppings leave the area immediately.
“So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the ramblers.
“It’s easy,” replies the ranger.
“They’re full of small bells.”
He didn’t speak for two years
A old Man walked into the bank
“Brown bears are usually harmless they avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way.”
However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous.
If you see any grizzly bear droppings leave the area immediately.
“So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the ramblers.
“It’s easy,” replies the ranger.
“They’re full of small bells.”
He didn’t speak for two years
A old Man walked into the bank
2.
Haggard and tired Fred returns home from a long day of golf with his golf buddies.
Fred’s wife greets him at the door and seeing his condition exclaims, “Honey, you look awful, how was your game?”
Heaving a sigh, Fred replies, “Worst game of golf I’ve ever played.”
His wife asked what happened.
He went on to explain, “Charlie had a heart attack and dropped dead on the first tee.”
“Oh, that’s just terrible,” his wife exclaimed.
“It WAS terrible,” Fred replied.
“All day long it was: Hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie.”
You Are All The Same
A duck walks into a general store
Haggard and tired Fred returns home from a long day of golf with his golf buddies.
Fred’s wife greets him at the door and seeing his condition exclaims, “Honey, you look awful, how was your game?”
Heaving a sigh, Fred replies, “Worst game of golf I’ve ever played.”
His wife asked what happened.
He went on to explain, “Charlie had a heart attack and dropped dead on the first tee.”
“Oh, that’s just terrible,” his wife exclaimed.
“It WAS terrible,” Fred replied.
“All day long it was: Hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie.”
You Are All The Same
A duck walks into a general store
3.
A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into hers, damaging the front bumper, and that she hadn’t made a note of the licence plate number.
“What kind of car was he driving?” asked the husband.
“I don’t know,” she said.
“I can never tell one make of car from another.”
Hearing this, the husband decided it was time for her to learn and for the next few days, whenever they were out on the road, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could identify every make.
It worked. A week later, she bounded in with a big grin on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Pontiac G8!”
The truck driver stopped
A Texan visitor to England asked
A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into hers, damaging the front bumper, and that she hadn’t made a note of the licence plate number.
“What kind of car was he driving?” asked the husband.
“I don’t know,” she said.
“I can never tell one make of car from another.”
Hearing this, the husband decided it was time for her to learn and for the next few days, whenever they were out on the road, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could identify every make.
It worked. A week later, she bounded in with a big grin on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Pontiac G8!”
The truck driver stopped
A Texan visitor to England asked
4.
Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, “I was cleaning the Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!”
“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.
“Well, of course I threw them in the trash.”
The second nun said, “Well, I can top that, I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of protection!”
“Oh my!” gasped the other nuns.
“What did you do?” they asked.
“I poked h*les in all of them,” she replied.
The third nun said, “Oh shit!”
The doctor entered the room and advised
Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher
Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, “I was cleaning the Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!”
“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.
“Well, of course I threw them in the trash.”
The second nun said, “Well, I can top that, I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of protection!”
“Oh my!” gasped the other nuns.
“What did you do?” they asked.
“I poked h*les in all of them,” she replied.
The third nun said, “Oh shit!”
The doctor entered the room and advised
Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher
5.
Out on the prairie, a farmer is tending to his flock of grazing sheep, when suddenly a brand new BMW pulls up on a nearby road.
The man in the car is dressed in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and an expensive tie.
He sticks his head out of the car window and loudly calls to the farmer, “If I can count how many sheep you’ve got grazing there, would you let me take one of the sheep with me?”
The farmer looks at the man, then at his dispersed flock of sheep, and yells back, “Fine by me!”
The man drives up next to the farmer and sets up his Dell Notebook on his car’s hood.
The man then uses his iPhone to establish a 4G connection to NASA.
He connects to a GPS system, pulls the exact coordinates and relays them to another satellite which subsequently scans the grazing area with a high-definition camera.
Without breaking a sweat he opens the image in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany Within a few seconds his iPad receives an email saying “picture processed and data stored”, after which he logs in to an MS-SQL database via ODBC and exports the data to an Excel sheet containing lots of advanced formulas.
He then relays his data to Xircom, and within seconds he gets a reply.
The man finishes his technical wizardry by printing a 150 page report using his high-tech HP Color Laser Jet.
He casually glances at the documents and says to the farmer: “Hmm… You’ve got exactly 156 animals here.”
“That’s right,” says the farmer, “a deal’s a deal – you’re welcome to one of the sheep.”
The farmer looks on as the man walks around deciding on which sheep to pick, after which the man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his brand new car.
The farmer then says, “Tell you what, if I can guess your profession, would you give me back my sheep?”
The man considers this for a moment, and then replies, “Sure Let’s hear it then, what do I do?”
“You’re a consultant,” says the farmer.
“That’s right!” exclaims the man with surprise, “How on Earth did you know?”
“It’s a no-brainier,” says the farmer, “you came here without being asked, you charged me for something that I already knew and you haven’t got the faintest clue about my line of work.
So be a sport, open the trunk and give me back my dog!”
A couple stays at the Watergate Hotel
A wood-chopping contest
Out on the prairie, a farmer is tending to his flock of grazing sheep, when suddenly a brand new BMW pulls up on a nearby road.
The man in the car is dressed in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and an expensive tie.
He sticks his head out of the car window and loudly calls to the farmer, “If I can count how many sheep you’ve got grazing there, would you let me take one of the sheep with me?”
The farmer looks at the man, then at his dispersed flock of sheep, and yells back, “Fine by me!”
The man drives up next to the farmer and sets up his Dell Notebook on his car’s hood.
The man then uses his iPhone to establish a 4G connection to NASA.
He connects to a GPS system, pulls the exact coordinates and relays them to another satellite which subsequently scans the grazing area with a high-definition camera.
Without breaking a sweat he opens the image in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany Within a few seconds his iPad receives an email saying “picture processed and data stored”, after which he logs in to an MS-SQL database via ODBC and exports the data to an Excel sheet containing lots of advanced formulas.
He then relays his data to Xircom, and within seconds he gets a reply.
The man finishes his technical wizardry by printing a 150 page report using his high-tech HP Color Laser Jet.
He casually glances at the documents and says to the farmer: “Hmm… You’ve got exactly 156 animals here.”
“That’s right,” says the farmer, “a deal’s a deal – you’re welcome to one of the sheep.”
The farmer looks on as the man walks around deciding on which sheep to pick, after which the man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his brand new car.
The farmer then says, “Tell you what, if I can guess your profession, would you give me back my sheep?”
The man considers this for a moment, and then replies, “Sure Let’s hear it then, what do I do?”
“You’re a consultant,” says the farmer.
“That’s right!” exclaims the man with surprise, “How on Earth did you know?”
“It’s a no-brainier,” says the farmer, “you came here without being asked, you charged me for something that I already knew and you haven’t got the faintest clue about my line of work.
So be a sport, open the trunk and give me back my dog!”
A couple stays at the Watergate Hotel
A wood-chopping contest
6.
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner having a bite to eat.
After the meal they start to discuss their plans to expand the family moonshine business.
All of a sudden, the woman on the table next to theirs starts to cough.
It’s going on for a while, so Billy-Bob walks over and asks ‘kin ye swalla..?’
the woman shakes her head..
‘Kin ye breeve?’
as she turns a shade of blue, the woman shakes her head again
Without a seconds thought Billy-Bob lifts her dress, pulls her p**ties down and gives a long wet lick to her right b*m cheek.
So shocked by this the woman’s body shuddered with disgust and the blockage cleared with a jolt.
Billy-bob walks back to his table, Billy-Ray turns in amazement… ‘I done did hear about that Hind Lick Maneuver, but i didn’t see it be done before!’
A plane crashes
A woman was having a daytime affair
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner having a bite to eat.
After the meal they start to discuss their plans to expand the family moonshine business.
All of a sudden, the woman on the table next to theirs starts to cough.
It’s going on for a while, so Billy-Bob walks over and asks ‘kin ye swalla..?’
the woman shakes her head..
‘Kin ye breeve?’
as she turns a shade of blue, the woman shakes her head again
Without a seconds thought Billy-Bob lifts her dress, pulls her p**ties down and gives a long wet lick to her right b*m cheek.
So shocked by this the woman’s body shuddered with disgust and the blockage cleared with a jolt.
Billy-bob walks back to his table, Billy-Ray turns in amazement… ‘I done did hear about that Hind Lick Maneuver, but i didn’t see it be done before!’
A plane crashes
A woman was having a daytime affair
7.
He says, “Doc, I want to be castrated.”
Doc says, “Look, I don’t know what kind of cult you’re into or what your motives are, but I’m not going to do that sort of operation. ”
John: “Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I’m a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?”
Doc says, “Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don’t understand it, but OK.”
He puts John to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when John wakes up.
“Well, Doc, how’d it go? ” John asks.
“It went fine, just fine. It’s really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it’s really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don’t mind my… ” “CIRCUMCISED!” yells John.
“THAT’S the word!!! “
A guy was in an elevator one day
A old lady went to visit her dentist
He says, “Doc, I want to be castrated.”
Doc says, “Look, I don’t know what kind of cult you’re into or what your motives are, but I’m not going to do that sort of operation. ”
John: “Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I’m a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?”
Doc says, “Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don’t understand it, but OK.”
He puts John to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when John wakes up.
“Well, Doc, how’d it go? ” John asks.
“It went fine, just fine. It’s really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it’s really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don’t mind my… ” “CIRCUMCISED!” yells John.
“THAT’S the word!!! “
A guy was in an elevator one day
A old lady went to visit her dentist
8.
A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.
As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.
“Wait!” says the bartender.
“You drank so much beer. Wouldn’t it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?”
“Not for me,” says the pig.
“I’m the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home.”
Two 90 year old men Mike and Joe
A guy sits down in a movie theater
A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.
As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.
“Wait!” says the bartender.
“You drank so much beer. Wouldn’t it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?”
“Not for me,” says the pig.
“I’m the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home.”
Two 90 year old men Mike and Joe
A guy sits down in a movie theater
9.
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything,
including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.
They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived.
Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.
Finally one of them said,
“I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there.
Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!”
The partner agreed to do that.
About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
“What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced,
“They were twins and mine died!”
Tax his land, tax his wage
A teacher told her young class
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything,
including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.
They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived.
Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.
Finally one of them said,
“I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there.
Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!”
The partner agreed to do that.
About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
“What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced,
“They were twins and mine died!”
Tax his land, tax his wage
A teacher told her young class
10.
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a bared beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had melons bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “units” than his dad.
His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.
“Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother,
“Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
One evening a husband and wife
A woman goes out shopping with her husband
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a bared beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had melons bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “units” than his dad.
His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.
“Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother,
“Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
One evening a husband and wife
A woman goes out shopping with her husband
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11.
A plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.”
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so.”
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
The pilot replied, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”
A old man went to the Doctor
A blonde came home from school
A plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.”
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so.”
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
The pilot replied, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”
A old man went to the Doctor
A blonde came home from school
12.
Two couples go on vacation together.
After a week, they are thoroughly bored.
The men decide that maybe life will take on new meaning if they change partners.
They all agree that it’s an experiment worth trying.
The morning after the switch, one of the husbands says,
”I’m glad we tried this. It was exhilarating. Come on, let’s go in the other room and see how the girls got on.”
A boy goes drug store with dad
Bill has worked in a pickle factory
Two couples go on vacation together.
After a week, they are thoroughly bored.
The men decide that maybe life will take on new meaning if they change partners.
They all agree that it’s an experiment worth trying.
The morning after the switch, one of the husbands says,
”I’m glad we tried this. It was exhilarating. Come on, let’s go in the other room and see how the girls got on.”
A boy goes drug store with dad
Bill has worked in a pickle factory
13.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said,
“My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
He entered their bedroom
A elderly married couple is having problems
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said,
“My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
He entered their bedroom
A elderly married couple is having problems
14.
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake.
The owner of the farm shouted:
“Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 10 million dollars.”
The silence was deafening.
Suddenly, a man jumped into the water.
He was chased by crocodiles, but with great luck he was unharmed.
The owner announced: “We have a winner!”
After receiving their reward, the man and his wife returned to the hotel room.
The man tells his wife:
“I did not jump in myself, Someone pushed me!”
His wife smiled and said coldly: “It was me!”
Moral of the story: Behind every successful man, there is always a woman to give him a little push!
Paddy and Murphy are working
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake.
The owner of the farm shouted:
“Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 10 million dollars.”
The silence was deafening.
Suddenly, a man jumped into the water.
He was chased by crocodiles, but with great luck he was unharmed.
The owner announced: “We have a winner!”
After receiving their reward, the man and his wife returned to the hotel room.
The man tells his wife:
“I did not jump in myself, Someone pushed me!”
His wife smiled and said coldly: “It was me!”
Moral of the story: Behind every successful man, there is always a woman to give him a little push!
Paddy and Murphy are working
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday
15.
An old man is in the surgery, and he asks the doctor if there was any way he could find out if his wife was hard of hearing.
The doctor replied, “If she won’t come in for a hearing test, you could try talking to her when you get home.
If you get no response, then move a little closer and repeat what you’ve said.
If she doesn’t hear you at first, you can gauge just how deaf she is by how close you get, until she does hear.”
Armed with this information, he sets off home.
Opening the front door he notices his wife in the kitchen down the passageway, with her back to the door.
Closing the door quietly, he says to his wife, “Hi honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?”
He gets no response, so he moves a little closer and says again, “Hi honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?”
Still no response; so he enters the kitchen,and says, “Hi honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?”
Again she doesn’t respond, so he walks up to her touches her arm and says, “Hi honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?”
With that she reels around and shouts at him, “Dangers and mash, for the fourth bang time, you deaf bastard!”
Two sisters blonde and brunette
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting
An old man is in the surgery, and he asks the doctor if there was any way he could find out if his wife was hard of hearing.
The doctor replied, “If she won’t come in for a hearing test, you could try talking to her when you get home.
If you get no response, then move a little closer and repeat what you’ve said.
If she doesn’t hear you at first, you can gauge just how deaf she is by how close you get, until she does hear.”
Armed with this information, he sets off home.
Opening the front door he notices his wife in the kitchen down the passageway, with her back to the door.
Closing the door quietly, he says to his wife, “Hi honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?”
He gets no response, so he moves a little closer and says again, “Hi honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?”
Still no response; so he enters the kitchen,and says, “Hi honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?”
Again she doesn’t respond, so he walks up to her touches her arm and says, “Hi honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?”
With that she reels around and shouts at him, “Dangers and mash, for the fourth bang time, you deaf bastard!”
Two sisters blonde and brunette
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting
16.
A young couple move into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging up the washing outside.
Wife: “That laundry isn’t very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly
Perhaps she needs better laundry detergent.”
Her husband looks on, remaining silent.
Every time her neighbor hangs out her washing to dry, the young woman makes the same comments.
A month later, the woman is surprised to see a nice clean load of washing on the line and says to her husband:
Wife: “Look, she’s finally learned how to wash her clothes correctly
I wonder who taught her this?”
The husband replies, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
Moral of the story:
Some people nowadays, what they see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which they look, not on what’s really behind/inside of it…
While rummaging through the boat
A doctor entered the hospital
A young couple move into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging up the washing outside.
Wife: “That laundry isn’t very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly
Perhaps she needs better laundry detergent.”
Her husband looks on, remaining silent.
Every time her neighbor hangs out her washing to dry, the young woman makes the same comments.
A month later, the woman is surprised to see a nice clean load of washing on the line and says to her husband:
Wife: “Look, she’s finally learned how to wash her clothes correctly
I wonder who taught her this?”
The husband replies, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
Moral of the story:
Some people nowadays, what they see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which they look, not on what’s really behind/inside of it…
While rummaging through the boat
A doctor entered the hospital
17.
One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
Then he asked for another.
After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.
“What’s the matter?” the bartender asked.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . .”
He took another drink, and said, “And tonight is the last night.”
The bartender asks the guy sitting
A man walked into a bar and ordered
One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
Then he asked for another.
After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.
“What’s the matter?” the bartender asked.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . .”
He took another drink, and said, “And tonight is the last night.”
The bartender asks the guy sitting
A man walked into a bar and ordered
18.
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl
She was just like my mother you were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Thomas replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
Two young guys appear in court
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl
She was just like my mother you were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Thomas replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
Two young guys appear in court
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo
19.
A Wild Boar was sharpening his tusks busily against the stump of a tree, when a Fox happened by.
Now the Fox was always looking for a chance to make fun of his neighbors.
So he made a great show of looking anxiously about, as if in fear of some hidden enemy
But the Boar kept right on with his work.
“Why are you doing that?” asked the Fox at last with a grin.
“There isn’t any danger that I can see.”
“True enough,” replied the Boar, “but when danger does come there will not be time for such work as this my weapons will have to be ready for use then, or I shall suffer for it.”
Moral: Preparedness for war is the best guarantee of peace.
The manager of a men’s clothing store
The old man and young man
A Wild Boar was sharpening his tusks busily against the stump of a tree, when a Fox happened by.
Now the Fox was always looking for a chance to make fun of his neighbors.
So he made a great show of looking anxiously about, as if in fear of some hidden enemy
But the Boar kept right on with his work.
“Why are you doing that?” asked the Fox at last with a grin.
“There isn’t any danger that I can see.”
“True enough,” replied the Boar, “but when danger does come there will not be time for such work as this my weapons will have to be ready for use then, or I shall suffer for it.”
Moral: Preparedness for war is the best guarantee of peace.
The manager of a men’s clothing store
The old man and young man
20.
A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Walmart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.’ he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them.’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.
‘On the PA system: ‘Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’
A man and his wife went without talking
A husband and his wife are having a fight
A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Walmart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.’ he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them.’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.
‘On the PA system: ‘Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’
A man and his wife went without talking
A husband and his wife are having a fight
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21.
Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.
Johnny asked, “Grandpa, are you going to take that new pills?”
Grandpa looks at him and says, “No Johnny, I will not.”
“But Grandpa, why?” asks little Johnny.
Grandpa replies. “Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to.”
little kid is walking street with his Daddy
Wife questioned her husband about his new secretary
Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.
Johnny asked, “Grandpa, are you going to take that new pills?”
Grandpa looks at him and says, “No Johnny, I will not.”
“But Grandpa, why?” asks little Johnny.
Grandpa replies. “Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to.”
little kid is walking street with his Daddy
Wife questioned her husband about his new secretary
22.
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle he’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something It’s driving me crazy, It’s all I think about I can’t sleep just between you and me, what are you smuggling?” Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
A married couple is driving along
A frog and an iguana
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle he’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something It’s driving me crazy, It’s all I think about I can’t sleep just between you and me, what are you smuggling?” Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
A married couple is driving along
A frog and an iguana
23.
A young man sees her and eagerly approaches offering to get her a drink.
Annoyed, she says “A drink? Yeah right, as if… And very original, like I’ve never been offered a drink before. Not even a pick up line? You think you just see a woman and you have the right to just walk up and bother her!? Why would I let someone like you get me a drink?
“Well, because…” He said… “I’m your waiter.”
A doctor and engineer were in love with same woman
The owner of a company tells his employees
A young man sees her and eagerly approaches offering to get her a drink.
Annoyed, she says “A drink? Yeah right, as if… And very original, like I’ve never been offered a drink before. Not even a pick up line? You think you just see a woman and you have the right to just walk up and bother her!? Why would I let someone like you get me a drink?
“Well, because…” He said… “I’m your waiter.”
A doctor and engineer were in love with same woman
The owner of a company tells his employees
24.
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman.
She exclaims “Wow, what a great chest you have!”
He says, “Solid dynamite, babe.”
He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, “Wow, what massive calves you have!”
He flexes his leg muscles and says, “Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart.”
Then he removes his underwear and the blonde goes running and screaming in fear.
He gets dressed and goes chasing after the woman.
When he catches up to her, he asks, “Why the hell did you go running off like that?”
She replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was.”
The phone rang and a little boy answered
A guy was in an elevator one day
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman.
She exclaims “Wow, what a great chest you have!”
He says, “Solid dynamite, babe.”
He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, “Wow, what massive calves you have!”
He flexes his leg muscles and says, “Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart.”
Then he removes his underwear and the blonde goes running and screaming in fear.
He gets dressed and goes chasing after the woman.
When he catches up to her, he asks, “Why the hell did you go running off like that?”
She replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was.”
The phone rang and a little boy answered
A guy was in an elevator one day
25.
A husband said to his wife, “Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight.”
As expected, the wife wasn’t happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening.
His wife replied, “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!”
The husband said, “I know all that.”
The wife looked on at him with incredulity.
She wondered when she would ever get a little peace.
“Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?” asked the wife.
The guy answered, “Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”
A elderly couple were having an elegant dinner
A couple that had been married
A husband said to his wife, “Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight.”
As expected, the wife wasn’t happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening.
His wife replied, “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!”
The husband said, “I know all that.”
The wife looked on at him with incredulity.
She wondered when she would ever get a little peace.
“Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?” asked the wife.
The guy answered, “Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”
A elderly couple were having an elegant dinner
A couple that had been married
26.
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father
27.
There was once a man who was looking to create a new idiom.
He was having trouble thinking of one, so he decided to look around there. He didn’t find anything.
So he got into his car, drove to town, and looked around there for inspiration.
As you can probably guess, he had no luck.
The man eventually gave up and went to see a friend on their farm. He was driving as he passed down a rustic looking well.
He pulled over and rushed to closer inspect the well.
It was located near the ocean, it had a handle to pull up the bucket that had a weight on the other side, and it looked very old.
The man was suddenly struck with inspiration. He ran home and told other people. His idiom?
Well, Weight and Sea. I’ll tell you in a bit
3 sailors get stranded on an island
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot
There was once a man who was looking to create a new idiom.
He was having trouble thinking of one, so he decided to look around there. He didn’t find anything.
So he got into his car, drove to town, and looked around there for inspiration.
As you can probably guess, he had no luck.
The man eventually gave up and went to see a friend on their farm. He was driving as he passed down a rustic looking well.
He pulled over and rushed to closer inspect the well.
It was located near the ocean, it had a handle to pull up the bucket that had a weight on the other side, and it looked very old.
The man was suddenly struck with inspiration. He ran home and told other people. His idiom?
Well, Weight and Sea. I’ll tell you in a bit
3 sailors get stranded on an island
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot
28.
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can’t stand it any longer!
The woman goes into her supervisor’s office, tells him what the coworker does, and that she wants to file a make love harassment suit against the man.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and asks, “What’s loving threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies, “He’s a midget!”
A Texan visitor to England asked
Three men want to become agents
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can’t stand it any longer!
The woman goes into her supervisor’s office, tells him what the coworker does, and that she wants to file a make love harassment suit against the man.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and asks, “What’s loving threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies, “He’s a midget!”
A Texan visitor to England asked
Three men want to become agents
29.
A guy was limping, so his friend asked him what was wrong.
He replied, “My foot bugs me sometimes.
It’s just an old basketball injury.”
His friend said, “Uh, aren’t you kinda short for a basketball player?”
He replied, “Oh no, I never played basketball.
I just lost a ton of money on the NBA finals last year and kicked in the TV.”
Little Johnny on the plane
A elderly man is stopped
A guy was limping, so his friend asked him what was wrong.
He replied, “My foot bugs me sometimes.
It’s just an old basketball injury.”
His friend said, “Uh, aren’t you kinda short for a basketball player?”
He replied, “Oh no, I never played basketball.
I just lost a ton of money on the NBA finals last year and kicked in the TV.”
Little Johnny on the plane
A elderly man is stopped
30.
A young couple were on their honeymoon.
The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.”
And she says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
Three women are about to be executed
A father and his son go grocery store
A young couple were on their honeymoon.
The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.”
And she says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
Three women are about to be executed
A father and his son go grocery store
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