1.
A man walks in a bar and the bartender asks, “What'll you have?”The man answers, “A scotch on the rocks, please.”The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That'll be five dollars.”“What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this,” the ma
A man walks in a bar and the bartender asks, “What'll you have?”The man answers, “A scotch on the rocks, please.”The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That'll be five dollars.”“What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this,” the ma
2.
A married couple got into an accident and the husband's face was badly burnedThe doctor told him that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinnySo the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.However, the only skin on her body
A married couple got into an accident and the husband's face was badly burnedThe doctor told him that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinnySo the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.However, the only skin on her body
3.
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said,
“I
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said,
“I
4.
Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together.They made a decision, one day to make it,..“yesterday once more”.They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young.The next day, Grandpa go
Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together.They made a decision, one day to make it,..“yesterday once more”.They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young.The next day, Grandpa go
5.
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party…After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest roomThose who remained talked about their kids.The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joyHe started working at a succe
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party…After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest roomThose who remained talked about their kids.The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joyHe started working at a succe
6.
Three house pets- a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat–all die and go to heaven.As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.God turns to the golden retriever and says“The
Three house pets- a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat–all die and go to heaven.As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.God turns to the golden retriever and says“The
7.
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children.
Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
“Darling wife,” the husband whispers, “assure me that the
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children.
Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
“Darling wife,” the husband whispers, “assure me that the
8.
I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said, “You just had breakfast?”“Yes.” she replied.“Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummyOur body takes all the good stuff it needs from out of the food then what's l
I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said, “You just had breakfast?”“Yes.” she replied.“Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummyOur body takes all the good stuff it needs from out of the food then what's l
9.
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money.
The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public.
But
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money.
The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public.
But
10.
A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner.
This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervou
A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner.
This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervou
11.
A newly married Liam goes to the meet Father Charles.
He greets the priest and says, ‘Father, I need to talk to you.
‘ The Priest asks, ‘Is it a confession, my son?’ Liam replies, ‘No, Father.
I need to clarify something.’ The Priest takes Liam t
A newly married Liam goes to the meet Father Charles.
He greets the priest and says, ‘Father, I need to talk to you.
‘ The Priest asks, ‘Is it a confession, my son?’ Liam replies, ‘No, Father.
I need to clarify something.’ The Priest takes Liam t
12.
A guy was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on i
A guy was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on i
13.
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament. “Sir,” she said “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons o
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament. “Sir,” she said “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons o
14.
Story: Last BoastA fir tree said boastingly to the bramble bush growing in its shade:“You are useless.Nobody wants you.I am everywhere used for roofs and houses.Men can't do without me.”“You're so right,” said the bramble.“Here's a man coming to you with
Story: Last BoastA fir tree said boastingly to the bramble bush growing in its shade:“You are useless.Nobody wants you.I am everywhere used for roofs and houses.Men can't do without me.”“You're so right,” said the bramble.“Here's a man coming to you with
15.
A young man walks into a supermarket and buys a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste,a loaf of bread, a container of milk, two boxes of cereal and a frozen dinner.The girl at the cash register looks at him and says “Single, huh?”The man replies very sarc
A young man walks into a supermarket and buys a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste,a loaf of bread, a container of milk, two boxes of cereal and a frozen dinner.The girl at the cash register looks at him and says “Single, huh?”The man replies very sarc
16.
A guy comes home from work and he is quite upset.His wife looks worried and asks him what's wrong.He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.“Honey, what i
A guy comes home from work and he is quite upset.His wife looks worried and asks him what's wrong.He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.“Honey, what i
17.
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror.However, this does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.Then one day, fresh out of the shower, she
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror.However, this does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.Then one day, fresh out of the shower, she
18.
A very loving couple had been married for over 10 years without any child and it was becoming their 11th year.
Steve and Sarah stayed with each other and greatly hoped that they will have a child before their 11th year of marriage runs out because they
A very loving couple had been married for over 10 years without any child and it was becoming their 11th year.
Steve and Sarah stayed with each other and greatly hoped that they will have a child before their 11th year of marriage runs out because they
19.
His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!”“I bought it today,” he says.“With what money?” says his mother arching an eyebrow.They knew what a new F150 cost.“Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”The father lo
His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!”“I bought it today,” he says.“With what money?” says his mother arching an eyebrow.They knew what a new F150 cost.“Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”The father lo
20.
In Mexico City, the 200 meter final was runAmerican (black) athletes Tommie Smith and John Carlos came first and third, while Australian (white) Peter Norman won the second.While they were waiting for the medal ceremony, Carlos came to Peter Norman and as
In Mexico City, the 200 meter final was runAmerican (black) athletes Tommie Smith and John Carlos came first and third, while Australian (white) Peter Norman won the second.While they were waiting for the medal ceremony, Carlos came to Peter Norman and as
21.
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red lightThe driver is a real bast..., steps out of his car and comes striding toward theofficer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!So the officer calmly tells him o
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red lightThe driver is a real bast..., steps out of his car and comes striding toward theofficer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!So the officer calmly tells him o
22.
An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape he was in.
The doctor asked, “Why do you think you have such good health?”
The old-timer said,
“I’m a turkey hunter and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up before dayl
An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape he was in.
The doctor asked, “Why do you think you have such good health?”
The old-timer said,
“I’m a turkey hunter and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up before dayl
23.
Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.The Pope proceeds onto Highway 95, and starts accelerati
Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.The Pope proceeds onto Highway 95, and starts accelerati
24.
They decide to meet for tea and discuss their lives.The first older lady starts telling the second about all the wonderful things her husband has done for her over her life. “See this big ol' ring right here on my finger? My husband bought me that, beca
They decide to meet for tea and discuss their lives.The first older lady starts telling the second about all the wonderful things her husband has done for her over her life. “See this big ol' ring right here on my finger? My husband bought me that, beca
25.
The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she shoul
The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she shoul
26.
A woman goes to her doctor for her annual check up.The nurse starts with certain basic items.‘How much do you weigh?' she asks‘Eight and a half stone,' the woman says.The nurse puts her on the scales and tells; her weight is actually ten stoneThe nurse as
A woman goes to her doctor for her annual check up.The nurse starts with certain basic items.‘How much do you weigh?' she asks‘Eight and a half stone,' the woman says.The nurse puts her on the scales and tells; her weight is actually ten stoneThe nurse as
27.
Scottish couple wants their kids to visit on Christmas EveHowever, there are some methods that make things easier…A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your m
Scottish couple wants their kids to visit on Christmas EveHowever, there are some methods that make things easier…A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your m
28.
So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road.He pulls over and looks around, but can't see anyone.So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way.A couple of miles
So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road.He pulls over and looks around, but can't see anyone.So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way.A couple of miles
29.
Three newlywed men were discussing their wives.The first guy married an Iowa gal; he says, I told my wife she had to all the cooking.The first day I didn't see anything, but on the second day, she fell into line.The second guy married a Minnesota gal; he
Three newlywed men were discussing their wives.The first guy married an Iowa gal; he says, I told my wife she had to all the cooking.The first day I didn't see anything, but on the second day, she fell into line.The second guy married a Minnesota gal; he
30.
An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop.
They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said:
Butter – 10 francs.
In respo
An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop.
They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said:
Butter – 10 francs.
In respo
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Eng Jokes