1.
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
Because he also told me he is not believe in god.
“Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
Because he also told me he is not believe in god.
“Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell
2.
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip when they came upon this great trout brook.
They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip when they came upon this great trout brook.
They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they
3.
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & beautiful young woman entered.She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked di
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & beautiful young woman entered.She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked di
4.
In the piece, there's a long passage of about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.Rather than sit around that whole time, some bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.After slamming
In the piece, there's a long passage of about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.Rather than sit around that whole time, some bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.After slamming
5.
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.“So, what is it?” grumbled the governor.“Judge Gerber has just died” said the att
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.“So, what is it?” grumbled the governor.“Judge Gerber has just died” said the att
6.
Two men were talking about a friend who had recently passed away.
“By the time Jack died, he had a transplanted heart, a plastic hip joint, a plastic leg and a plastic arm.”
“Where did they bury him?'”
“They didn’t bury him — he was recycled!”
Two men were talking about a friend who had recently passed away.
“By the time Jack died, he had a transplanted heart, a plastic hip joint, a plastic leg and a plastic arm.”
“Where did they bury him?'”
“They didn’t bury him — he was recycled!”
7.
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for adviceThe doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days.This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she's been trying to get rid of.The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thi
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for adviceThe doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days.This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she's been trying to get rid of.The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thi
8.
Jerry was at a marriage seminar, and the leader of the seminar, a lady, was asking everybody how long they were married for.When it was Jerry's turn Jerry said that he was married for almost 50 years.“Wow,” the leader gushed, “that's amazing, perhaps you
Jerry was at a marriage seminar, and the leader of the seminar, a lady, was asking everybody how long they were married for.When it was Jerry's turn Jerry said that he was married for almost 50 years.“Wow,” the leader gushed, “that's amazing, perhaps you
9.
An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to get him to paint t
An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to get him to paint t
10.
A seven years old and a four years old kids are upstairs in their bedroom.“You know what?”, says the seven years old, “I think it's about time we started swearing.”The four years old nods his head in approval.“When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna
A seven years old and a four years old kids are upstairs in their bedroom.“You know what?”, says the seven years old, “I think it's about time we started swearing.”The four years old nods his head in approval.“When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna
11.
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow,and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”The man walks up to him and says,“I didn't know y
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow,and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”The man walks up to him and says,“I didn't know y
12.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular
13.
A man is talking to the family doctor:,..
“Doctor, I think my wife is going deaf.”
The doctor answers:,..
“Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing.
Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question.
If she doesn
A man is talking to the family doctor:,..
“Doctor, I think my wife is going deaf.”
The doctor answers:,..
“Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing.
Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question.
If she doesn
14.
Saint Peter asks, Tell me what the purpose of Easter is“They're not very smart, but they're nice, and I'm not sure whether to let them in or not.”God says, “Well we do have standards here. Ask them some simple questions, if they get them right, let them
Saint Peter asks, Tell me what the purpose of Easter is“They're not very smart, but they're nice, and I'm not sure whether to let them in or not.”God says, “Well we do have standards here. Ask them some simple questions, if they get them right, let them
15.
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day
16.
A little girl and her mother are at church when the little girl starts to feel sick.Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church.When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up.“Yes,” the girl says.“But I didn't ha
A little girl and her mother are at church when the little girl starts to feel sick.Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church.When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up.“Yes,” the girl says.“But I didn't ha
17.
He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve, so he thought he might just as well ask them.“I've got two things for you, but you'll have to decide who gets what. The first thing is the ability to pee standing up…”Adam interrupted, “Oh please
He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve, so he thought he might just as well ask them.“I've got two things for you, but you'll have to decide who gets what. The first thing is the ability to pee standing up…”Adam interrupted, “Oh please
18.
So he goes to the computer and realizes that an engineer accidentally landed up in hell.He get's on the phone to the Devil.StPeter: “So, Dev, we have an issue with this engineering guy Robert. He is supposed to be with us. Can you send him up?”Devil: “
So he goes to the computer and realizes that an engineer accidentally landed up in hell.He get's on the phone to the Devil.StPeter: “So, Dev, we have an issue with this engineering guy Robert. He is supposed to be with us. Can you send him up?”Devil: “
19.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were each given the same red rubber ball and told to find the volume.The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were each given the same red rubber ball and told to find the volume.The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in
20.
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him of the shoulder to get his attention.The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate-gla
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him of the shoulder to get his attention.The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate-gla
21.
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller,
“I want to open a f***kng account here.” The astonished woman replies,
“I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.”
The woman leaves the window & goes ov
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller,
“I want to open a f***kng account here.” The astonished woman replies,
“I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.”
The woman leaves the window & goes ov
22.
Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Bob! How y
Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Bob! How y
23.
A naturopathic doctor opens up a wellness clinicHe puts a sign outside that says ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $100.'A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
A naturopathic doctor opens up a wellness clinicHe puts a sign outside that says ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $100.'A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
24.
– Hello! Gordon's pizza?– No sir it's Google's pizza.– So it's a wrong number?– No sir, Google bought it.– OKTake my order please..– Well sir, you want the usual?– The usual? You know me?– According to our caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizz
– Hello! Gordon's pizza?– No sir it's Google's pizza.– So it's a wrong number?– No sir, Google bought it.– OKTake my order please..– Well sir, you want the usual?– The usual? You know me?– According to our caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizz
25.
A woman overhears her 7 year old son playing with his toy train set.
As he’s moving his train around, he stops the train and says “This stop is Los Angeles.
If this is your stop, get the bloody hell off. If this is not your stop, stay the bloody hel
A woman overhears her 7 year old son playing with his toy train set.
As he’s moving his train around, he stops the train and says “This stop is Los Angeles.
If this is your stop, get the bloody hell off. If this is not your stop, stay the bloody hel
26.
I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.
I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn’t think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says, “Ribbit. 9- Iron”.
I looked around and didn’t s
I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.
I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn’t think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says, “Ribbit. 9- Iron”.
I looked around and didn’t s
27.
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
“But
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
“But
28.
Two men are out huntingOne of them goes into the bushes to take a leak.A few moments later, there's a scream.The man's buddy runs up.”What happened to you?” the buddy asks.“A snake bit me in the privates!” he answers, pointing to said snake, kicked to dea
Two men are out huntingOne of them goes into the bushes to take a leak.A few moments later, there's a scream.The man's buddy runs up.”What happened to you?” the buddy asks.“A snake bit me in the privates!” he answers, pointing to said snake, kicked to dea
29.
A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read.It said, “I can't talk! Help me!”The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table.The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing t
A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read.It said, “I can't talk! Help me!”The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table.The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing t
30.
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”“Yes, Father, it is.”“And who was the girl you were with?”“I can't tell you, FatherI don't want to ruin her reputation.”“Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell m
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”“Yes, Father, it is.”“And who was the girl you were with?”“I can't tell you, FatherI don't want to ruin her reputation.”“Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell m
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Eng Jokes