1.
A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remem
A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remem
2.
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep.Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.”The shepherd thinks
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep.Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.”The shepherd thinks
3.
I got the craving for a McDonald's Big Mac about a week ago and went to our local McDonald's drive-through.The girl who took my order at the window was, much to my surprise, wearing a full-on black BurqaThe only thing I could see of her was her eyesI went
I got the craving for a McDonald's Big Mac about a week ago and went to our local McDonald's drive-through.The girl who took my order at the window was, much to my surprise, wearing a full-on black BurqaThe only thing I could see of her was her eyesI went
4.
This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it every time.
My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him “If you pick
This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it every time.
My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him “If you pick
5.
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over.
He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel.
There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.
He said, “I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to d
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over.
He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel.
There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.
He said, “I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to d
6.
The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.
Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowl
The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.
Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowl
7.
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire.
The fire was more than the county fire department could handle.
Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.
Despite some doub
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire.
The fire was more than the county fire department could handle.
Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.
Despite some doub
8.
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says,“Please come over here and help meI have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.”Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it's finished?”The little silver-haired
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says,“Please come over here and help meI have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.”Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it's finished?”The little silver-haired
9.
A few decades ago, an American, a Russian, and an Australian were having dinner.
The American says “We are so advanced, we have built airplanes that can go to outer-space.”
The other two ask, “What? Outer-space?”. The American says, “Not exactly, bu
A few decades ago, an American, a Russian, and an Australian were having dinner.
The American says “We are so advanced, we have built airplanes that can go to outer-space.”
The other two ask, “What? Outer-space?”. The American says, “Not exactly, bu
10.
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany.I assumed that most Germans would speak English.But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue–including the ticket inspector on the train.He punched my ticket, then
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany.I assumed that most Germans would speak English.But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue–including the ticket inspector on the train.He punched my ticket, then
11.
The head monk said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.”The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said,“What are your two words?””Food cold!”the man replied.Three more years went by
The head monk said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.”The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said,“What are your two words?””Food cold!”the man replied.Three more years went by
12.
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”
“What happened?” The father asks.
“Well, she asked me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answered ’63’ , then she asked, ‘and 9 * 7?’
So I asked ‘what’s the bloody difference?’ “In
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”
“What happened?” The father asks.
“Well, she asked me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answered ’63’ , then she asked, ‘and 9 * 7?’
So I asked ‘what’s the bloody difference?’ “In
13.
A class of 3rd graders return from their field trip to the farm and the teacher asks them,
“What kind of noises did you hear at the farm?”
The first kid raises his hand and says,
“I heard the cow go moo!”
The second kid raises his hand and say
A class of 3rd graders return from their field trip to the farm and the teacher asks them,
“What kind of noises did you hear at the farm?”
The first kid raises his hand and says,
“I heard the cow go moo!”
The second kid raises his hand and say
14.
The Wine Taster At An Old Vineyard Died. A Homeless Guy, Looking Ragged And Dirty, Came To Apply.
He Persuaded The Manager To Give Him A Try.
The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit.
“It’s a red wine, Merlot, three
The Wine Taster At An Old Vineyard Died. A Homeless Guy, Looking Ragged And Dirty, Came To Apply.
He Persuaded The Manager To Give Him A Try.
The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit.
“It’s a red wine, Merlot, three
15.
Four elderly ranchers were enjoying breakfast in a small cafe in northern Arizona.They were talking about everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the “good ol' days.”Eventually, the conversation moved on to their spouses.O
Four elderly ranchers were enjoying breakfast in a small cafe in northern Arizona.They were talking about everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the “good ol' days.”Eventually, the conversation moved on to their spouses.O
16.
A bus driver was plying his regular driving route when an old lady got on the bus and sat behind the driver,
For every ten minutes into the ride, She kept asking the driver a question.
The first ten minutes into the ride, the old woman piped up and
A bus driver was plying his regular driving route when an old lady got on the bus and sat behind the driver,
For every ten minutes into the ride, She kept asking the driver a question.
The first ten minutes into the ride, the old woman piped up and
17.
A plane crashesThe only survivor is a flight attendant.She finds herself on a deserted island and after a while gets really hot so she takes her shirt off exposing her cleavage.She sees smoke nearby and a rives to see a man cooking some meat.Where are you
A plane crashesThe only survivor is a flight attendant.She finds herself on a deserted island and after a while gets really hot so she takes her shirt off exposing her cleavage.She sees smoke nearby and a rives to see a man cooking some meat.Where are you
18.
… heading downtown to go to the movies, when a young punk got on.She had spiked, multi-colored hair that was green, purple, and orange.Her clothes were a tattered mix of leather rags, her legs were bare and she was wearing worn-out shoes. Her entire face
… heading downtown to go to the movies, when a young punk got on.She had spiked, multi-colored hair that was green, purple, and orange.Her clothes were a tattered mix of leather rags, her legs were bare and she was wearing worn-out shoes. Her entire face
19.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.To his amazement, a genie came forth.This particular genie, however, stated that he could only de
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.To his amazement, a genie came forth.This particular genie, however, stated that he could only de
20.
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.From morning till night and sometimes later, she was always complaining about something.The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule he tried to plow a lot.One
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.From morning till night and sometimes later, she was always complaining about something.The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule he tried to plow a lot.One
21.
Yesterday afternoon, my Mother-in-law narrowly escaped injury when the aircraft she was piloting was forced to make an emergency landing in a rural area because of bad weather.The CAA (Civil Aviation Authority) issued a preliminary report, citing pilot er
Yesterday afternoon, my Mother-in-law narrowly escaped injury when the aircraft she was piloting was forced to make an emergency landing in a rural area because of bad weather.The CAA (Civil Aviation Authority) issued a preliminary report, citing pilot er
22.
A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario.
He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose.
The next week he returns, and sure
A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario.
He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose.
The next week he returns, and sure
23.
A man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession.
I had make love with Fanny Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say
A man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession.
I had make love with Fanny Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say
24.
A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.
They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find an
A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.
They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find an
25.
A New York State trooper pulled a car over.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to the Bronx to do a show for the Children’s Hospital.
He didn’t want to be late.
A New York State trooper pulled a car over.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to the Bronx to do a show for the Children’s Hospital.
He didn’t want to be late.
26.
A married couple got into an accident and the husband's face was badly burnedThe doctor told him that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinnySo the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.However, the only skin on her body
A married couple got into an accident and the husband's face was badly burnedThe doctor told him that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinnySo the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.However, the only skin on her body
27.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gu
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gu
28.
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computersHe dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, “Hello?”Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computersHe dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, “Hello?”Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having
29.
A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch.
Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly the wife st
A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch.
Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly the wife st
30.
Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar.
One is crying.
The other asks what’s wrong. “I’ve puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me.”
The other drunk says “do what I do pal.
Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked
Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar.
One is crying.
The other asks what’s wrong. “I’ve puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me.”
The other drunk says “do what I do pal.
Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked
Tags:
Eng Jokes