1.
“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
“Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”
“Because it gets late early.” (On why it’s so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.)
“If the people don
“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
“Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”
“Because it gets late early.” (On why it’s so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.)
“If the people don
2.
Dan married a woman with an identical twin.
Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
“Tell the court why you want a divorce,” said the judge.
“Well, your honor, every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a vis
Dan married a woman with an identical twin.
Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
“Tell the court why you want a divorce,” said the judge.
“Well, your honor, every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a vis
3.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, C
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, C
4.
“Mum, am I adopted?”“No, of course not”, replied his motherWhy would you think such a thing?Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test resultsNo match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.Perturbed, hi
“Mum, am I adopted?”“No, of course not”, replied his motherWhy would you think such a thing?Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test resultsNo match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.Perturbed, hi
5.
Two blondes decide to go duck hunting.
Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven’t bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says “I just don’t understand it.
Why aren’t we getting any duck
Two blondes decide to go duck hunting.
Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven’t bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says “I just don’t understand it.
Why aren’t we getting any duck
6.
The doctor and his wife were playing golf at the club and she drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway.
The doctor said Wow I have never seen you play this well before! Marie says, I took lessons.
A couple of days later on the tennis cour
The doctor and his wife were playing golf at the club and she drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway.
The doctor said Wow I have never seen you play this well before! Marie says, I took lessons.
A couple of days later on the tennis cour
7.
A deeply religious Rabbi lived happily with his family, an admirable woman and two dear sons.One time, he had to be away from home for several days due to workWhen he was away, a serious car accident killed his two boys.Alone, the mother suffered in silen
A deeply religious Rabbi lived happily with his family, an admirable woman and two dear sons.One time, he had to be away from home for several days due to workWhen he was away, a serious car accident killed his two boys.Alone, the mother suffered in silen
8.
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls.
To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the ball with on onion.
Several weeks later the patient returned for a checkup.
“How’s your s*x life?” the doc
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls.
To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the ball with on onion.
Several weeks later the patient returned for a checkup.
“How’s your s*x life?” the doc
9.
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellow head for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blu
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellow head for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blu
10.
Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York.About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left.However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New Yor
Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York.About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left.However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New Yor
11.
There was once a great actor, who had a problem.
He could no longer remember his lines.
Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says,”This is the most important part, a
There was once a great actor, who had a problem.
He could no longer remember his lines.
Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says,”This is the most important part, a
12.
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.Suddenly, the plane developed engine troubleIn spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.Finally, the pilot grabbed a
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.Suddenly, the plane developed engine troubleIn spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.Finally, the pilot grabbed a
13.
In a part of Las Vegas humans don’t know about, a group of animals are playing cards in Las Vegas… and arguing.
Lion: “Stop taking glances at my card, you’re a cheetah!” Cheetah: “No, you’re a Lion!” Warthog: “You guys are just ignoring the guy with th
In a part of Las Vegas humans don’t know about, a group of animals are playing cards in Las Vegas… and arguing.
Lion: “Stop taking glances at my card, you’re a cheetah!” Cheetah: “No, you’re a Lion!” Warthog: “You guys are just ignoring the guy with th
14.
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, ‘Hello.'‘MrsSanders, please.'‘Speaking.'‘MrsSanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another MrSanders arrived
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, ‘Hello.'‘MrsSanders, please.'‘Speaking.'‘MrsSanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another MrSanders arrived
15.
Two unemployed guys are talking.
One says: “I’m going to become a lion-tamer.”
The other replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.”
“Yes I do!”
“Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roar
Two unemployed guys are talking.
One says: “I’m going to become a lion-tamer.”
The other replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.”
“Yes I do!”
“Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roar
16.
A farmer had just gotten a new rooster for his hens and the old rooster of many years was worried he would be replaced.
However, he had a cunning plan on dealing with this young rival.
He went up to the new rooster and said, “Right, I’ll make you a
A farmer had just gotten a new rooster for his hens and the old rooster of many years was worried he would be replaced.
However, he had a cunning plan on dealing with this young rival.
He went up to the new rooster and said, “Right, I’ll make you a
17.
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade of an ancient walnut tree.His body was at rest, but, befitting his calling as an imam, his mind did not relax.Looking up into the mighty tree he considered the greatness and wisdom of God.“God is great and God is goo
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade of an ancient walnut tree.His body was at rest, but, befitting his calling as an imam, his mind did not relax.Looking up into the mighty tree he considered the greatness and wisdom of God.“God is great and God is goo
18.
There was an old man who was admitted in a hospital.A young man would visit him every day, and sit with him for more than one hourHe would help him eat his food, and take his shower.He would then take him walking in the garden of the hospital.After that h
There was an old man who was admitted in a hospital.A young man would visit him every day, and sit with him for more than one hourHe would help him eat his food, and take his shower.He would then take him walking in the garden of the hospital.After that h
19.
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying a bill,
so he asked his BLONDE secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14% how much would you take off?” he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying a bill,
so he asked his BLONDE secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14% how much would you take off?” he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but
20.
A married couple are out one night at a dance club.There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.The wife turns to her husband and says,“See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned h
A married couple are out one night at a dance club.There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.The wife turns to her husband and says,“See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned h
21.
One of the priests said, “Sometimes it feels like such a burden to always be the one who listens to other people's problems – I can only talk about my sins with the bishop, and he just visits once a year…”The others nodded in agreementSuddenly, one of the
One of the priests said, “Sometimes it feels like such a burden to always be the one who listens to other people's problems – I can only talk about my sins with the bishop, and he just visits once a year…”The others nodded in agreementSuddenly, one of the
22.
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up
23.
An elderly couple is both lying in bed one morning, having just woken from a good night’s sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds.
“Don’t touch me”
“Why not.” He asks?
She answers back. “Because I’m dead.”
The husband says to her.
“Wha
An elderly couple is both lying in bed one morning, having just woken from a good night’s sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds.
“Don’t touch me”
“Why not.” He asks?
She answers back. “Because I’m dead.”
The husband says to her.
“Wha
24.
One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone.
In a worried state, she awakens her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.
Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there’s the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocio
One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone.
In a worried state, she awakens her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.
Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there’s the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocio
25.
Two men were marooned on an Island.One man pased back and forth worried and scared while the other man sat back and was sunning himself.The first man said to the second man, “arn't you afraid we are about to die.”“No,” said the second man, “for you see I
Two men were marooned on an Island.One man pased back and forth worried and scared while the other man sat back and was sunning himself.The first man said to the second man, “arn't you afraid we are about to die.”“No,” said the second man, “for you see I
26.
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.One woman said, “I call my husband the dentistNobody can drill like he does.”The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.One woman said, “I call my husband the dentistNobody can drill like he does.”The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his
27.
The Mechanic Asks The Heart Surgeon… when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc, can I ask you a quest
The Mechanic Asks The Heart Surgeon… when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc, can I ask you a quest
28.
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.He had a large pond in the back.It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.One evening the old farme
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.He had a large pond in the back.It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.One evening the old farme
29.
During a shortage of eligible men, a bear, a pig and a rabbit are called up for national service.While waiting for the medical examinations, they all admit they're terrified of being killed.‘I'm ungainly and pink,' says the pig, truthfully.‘The enemy will
During a shortage of eligible men, a bear, a pig and a rabbit are called up for national service.While waiting for the medical examinations, they all admit they're terrified of being killed.‘I'm ungainly and pink,' says the pig, truthfully.‘The enemy will
30.
The most famous of all debates in American history are the seven between Abraham Lincoln and Stephen ADouglas campaigning in Illinois in 1858 for a Senate seat.On one occasion, Douglas attempted to buffalo Lincoln by making allusions to his lowly start in
The most famous of all debates in American history are the seven between Abraham Lincoln and Stephen ADouglas campaigning in Illinois in 1858 for a Senate seat.On one occasion, Douglas attempted to buffalo Lincoln by making allusions to his lowly start in